Thursday, September 24, 2015

Warning: This post is a visual cacophony that if you look there long enough it will induce a dizzying type of vertigo.

America is the greatest country in the world.



After Norway, Australia, Switzerland, and the Netherlands of course:



There is, however, one area in which we are the undisputed number one world champions of the world, and that is in the discipline of being spoiled.  We are Earth's obese children, jacked up on corn syrup and throwing a temper tantrum at the mall because the want the new AirFucker® SuperStealth Action Death Drone for Christmas.  Consider the city of Coronado, CA, where residents struck a crucial blow against the 70% (!) of children there who walk or ride bikes to school:



See, the city planned to add twelve (12) more miles of bike lanes, but some local residents made some sound arguments against them:

“You are covering Coronado with paint stripe pollution,” said resident Gerry Lounsbury.

“The graffiti on the streets does not help our property values,” declared Aileen Oya.

The lanes “bring to mind a visual cacophony that if you look there long enough it will induce a dizzying type of vertigo,” said Carolyn Rogerson.

Whoa!  Step aside, Delia Ephron!  Forget "blue pulls focus"--you should have gone with "Citi Bike  is a trip-tastic psychedelic LSD mindfuck that induces a dizzying type of vertigo akin to the after-effects of licking Timothy Leary's scranus."

Though in fairness to Caroyln Rogerson (who really should see a doctor about that vertigo), the bike lanes in Coronado do look like this:



But that's only like half the crazy:

Gerry MacCartee asked if the community couldn't think of a better option than “these black streets with these brilliant white lines everywhere because believe me, it takes away from your home, from your outlook on life.”

WON'T YOU FREE GERRY MacCARTEE FROM HIS WHITE-LINED PRISON!!!

And Darby Monger crafted an analogy to describe the addition of bike lanes to her beloved city.

“It’s very similar to personally taking all three of my daughters to a tattoo parlor and having them completely body tattooed,” she said.

Yes, Darby Monger, you fucking lunatic, it's VERY SIMILAR TO THAT!  And listening to your profound stupidity is VERY SIMILAR to watching a drunken clown shoving a sack full of live kittens up a dairy cow's ass one at a time.



Anyway, obviously the city council laughed all of this off, right?

Nope.

After public comment, the City Council voted to suspend all new proposed bike lanes.

"I still believe in bike lanes, but we as a council have said we’re not going to force them down the throats of people who don’t want them," said Coronado Mayor Casey Tanaka.

Wow.

There's only one thing to say to that, Coronado Mayor Casey Tanaka:




Anyway, I think Coronado should remove all of its bike infrastructure so we can watch and laugh as their property values plummet.

Incidentally, I was first alerted to the above by Chris from Marin Bikes, who also casually mentioned a new bike they've got called the Pine Mountain 1:



My first thought upon seeing it was, "Yeah, I could ride that," and indeed this fall it looks like I may get a chance to do just that.

Speaking of riding and fall, with the autumnal equinox comes great responsibility: school is in full swing, Halloween costume pre-curation begins, the temperature drops which means you've got to put on pants...  Therefore, by way of dodging them, I scampered up one of my secret backroads this morning in search of some serenity:


I've had the Milwaukee for a little over five months now and I'm sure you'll be pleased to know I continue to love it:


We're about to enter into the very best time of year for riding in these parts and I consider myself fortunate to be equipped with such a capable bicycle-cycling cycle.

Meanwhile, in sporting news, apparently the winner of the elite women's time trial in Richmond, VA caused a big kerfuffle by riding a non-sponsor bike:


Take a close look at the photos from the time trial and you’ll notice something isn’t quite right. She looks fast and aero, of course, but take a closer look at that all-black outfit and all-black bike. That last part is key because her bike shouldn’t have matched her national kit and she should have been riding her blue and white trade team Wilier time trial machine, supplied by the UnitedHealthcare team. The decision by Villumsen to defy team orders and ride a non-sponsored piece of kit almost cost her her job, and behind the stunning ride was an argument between her, her trade team and her national federation.

Oh, relax and leave her alone, nobody cares.

At least she didn't ride an "Eff You See Eye," as forwarded by a reader:


“The idea would be that your smart phone runs the whole bike. Everything from disabling it if you want to lock it up, to being able to program in your ride route, or suggest alternative routes if you’re trying to get to a specific place. It knows when it gets dark and turns the lights on, lets you know when tire pressure is low, or senses a car getting too close to you and warns you. It’s infinite how many things digitally and electronically we could do with a bike like this. It’s like, you could program this bike and say, ‘I wanna burn this many calories’ or ‘I wanna produce this many watts.’ Well, that could tell the motor only to work so hard, so that you’re producing on average 200 watts for the whole ride.”

Sounds awful.

But look, it has a door with a magnet:


I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for the UCI.

105 comments:

Wrench Monkey said...

What the F, Jeff?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

firstly

Anonymous said...

Podium!!

N/A said...

Good afternoon!

Anonymous said...

Podium

crosspalms said...

I know when it gets dark, too, and I turn the lights on. If I decide to ride to the grocery and back (which I just did), I do. It's like my phone is running me!

Is Coronado Spanish for fuck-o?

Anonymous said...

Brasil

BamaPhred said...

Scranus

Freddy Murcks said...

I tried to read the story about hullabaloo over Villumsen's non-trade team bike on the VeloSnooze website, but it was so boring and stupid that I fell asleep almost immediately. Who gives a flying fuck what she rode. It's not like anyone paid any attention to the women's TT (or to the men's for that matter). If her trade team hadn't made a stink about it, I am pretty certain that NOBODY (including her bike sponsor) would have ever been the wiser. As it stands now, literally dozens of people know. Which is literally dozens more than were aware that there had been a TT world championship race.

Wrench Monkey said...

You know, if I stare at the psychedelic nonplussed guy for a while and then look at the Rivendell ad, it is very disturbing.

N/A said...

Coronado can cram it.



BS, your Milwaukee bike is indeed delightful, and I find myself gazing upon its glorious visage every time you post it up. It was expertly curated.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dear darby monger...

...chances are you wont have to wait long for your 3 daughters to themselves go and cover their bodies with tattoos. might as well do it now... at least you might get a say in what tattoos to choose... maybe a bicycle symbol? sharrows?

Anonymous said...

That Marin could be the smugness flotilla I've been looking for!

Anonymous said...

I tried to come up with a witty comment about the Coronado house wives, but all I could think was "Give me a fucking break"

Anonymous said...

where can i get a spare 33.3-inch tube for my f-ing rear wheel?

JB said...

Wildcat, etc.,

I'm guessing that the 'Chris from Marin sending you the Coronado story' thing is a ruse to keep us from realizing that you have a California twin that happened to be sitting front-row at the council meeting, conveniently right behind where the old ladies stand to kvetch. Tell him to ace the Bluetooth earpiece thing. Never a good look.

Yours truly,
JB

Unknown said...

It looks like Gerry MacCartee is a woman in the video. Can you please change the pronoun so that HER white-lined prison can be mocked appropriately?

Sorry, I live in San Diego, so I more hopping mad than I should be about this. Elite property owners don't want poor plebes riding their bikes in their vicinity, you know, like local children going to school or the legions of tourists who rent beach cruisers. This has me so upset I'd probably do something drastic like take my beater bike over on the ferry and take the middle of a lane in a Cutters outfit this weekend.

PotbellyJoe said...

Great post as usual Snobi Wan.

I hate when i go to ride and the bike I have for free doesn't fit me to the mm. It's like, "What the hell are you guys paying me for?"

That being said, I congratulate the plucky Kiwi on her win on the bike she clearly trained on and felt was a better fit rather than her paycheck bike. That took ovaries.

I also am impressed she adapted to riding right-side-up in time for the racing in the northern hemisphere.

Comment deleted said...

At last, the tide of begriming has been halted by the valiant NOMPAs (Not On My Pristine Asphalt) of Coronado!

As if anything will stop the stratospheric climb of CA real estate...

clyde said...

Toppus XX

JB said...

I'm guessing these rich Coronado geezers want to continue tacking back and forth up and down the road in their 4-wheeled catamarans without crossing any pesky white lines.

Gideon said...

Not one man to protest the bike lanes? Gender equality!

Anonymous said...

White_Lines

Anonymous said...

BS, you missed the part where the Coronado Inn didn't get the memo that biking was out: http://www.ecoronado.com/profiles/blogs/tandem-bike-riding-and-other-romantic-coronado-092220150600

Anonymous said...

PS: The whole Coronado scene coverage care of BikingInLA's blog.

PotbellyJoe said...

Ticket to ride, white line roadway
Tell all your friends, they can go my way
Pay your toll, sell your [Kia] Soul
buy a bike that costs more than gold
The longer you stay, the more you pay
My bike rides go a long way
Either down a road or through a plain
With nothin' to gain except paintin’ a lane

(Breeze! Sinyard! Breeze! Trek! GT! GO!)

(Ahhh) Carbon, baby
(Ahhh) Get carbon, baby!
(Ahhh) Get carbon, baby!
And don't ever shift down! (STRAVA!)

Grump said...

America is the greatest country in the world.???

Wait.......I thought that we had to make America great again.....
You can't have it both ways....
Somebody is trying to pull my leg, but I won't mention names.

leroy said...

I thought the cow in your picture would look more non-plussed.

As for Coronado, I agree with what my dog said.

JLRB said...

Coronado is one of the most boring places I've velocopeded about - flat, not much to see, flat, not much to see, oh look some military grunts training - I hope they don't kill me, flat, not much to see, oh crap I had a tail wind for the out part after all; repeat.

Last time I was there it appeared the high property values were safe and sound. Lots of modest homes becoming McFucko sized homes...

The only upside(s) to this cluster is (are): (1) Coronado is mostly a bedroom community - not a real busy place so bike lanes aren't critical; (2) peeps there seem pretty used to cyclists (tri-dork central) and are pretty nicey nice to bikes when piloting their carbon-belchers

PotbellyJoe said...

Next question, how many people in California are named Gerry?

There's like 20 people mentioned in the article and 2 Gerrys.

At that rate there would be 3.8 million Gerrys in California.

This clearly can't be a representative sample.

Spokey said...


sorry fellow fuck-o(e)s but i'm going to have to agree with coronado tattooed (& bearded?) ladies.

i'm reversing my stance on bike lanes. take 'me all out. paint over them.

you'll be happier. you'll be safer. it makes it harder for the dino eaters to aim.

leroy said...

My dog also explained why one shouldn't judge Coronadoans harshly.

I like it when he uses a visual aid to illustrate his point.

So much easier to follow.

Grump said...

Charles Darwin would not approve of bike lanes for kids. Only the most fit and intelligent of children should survive to adulthood to procreate more fit and intelligent humans. Just look around at your typical American oaf. You will see them stumbling around with a smart phone in one hand, and the other hand busy picking their nose.
Less bike lanes (and more body count)to make America Great again.


Anonymous said...

here are all 272 pages of the coronado bicycle master plan: http://www.livewellsd.org/content/dam/livewell/Partners/PartnerPDFs/CitiesandGovernmentsPDFs/Coronado%20Bike%20Plan.pdf

Ivan_EPO_Stevic said...

Does Ms. Villumsen even get paid?

Most of the women at UCI Road Worlds don't get paid at all, except maybe a shared hotel room. That's it.

It's worse than that actually. Most of them had to buy their team kit (all of it) as a part of being "hired."

In other news: Tobacco company Altria sponsors international bike race in Virginia and unrepentant doper Ivan Stevic in town for the road race.

What a joke.

Geico gecko said...

Fuhgeddaboudit....this is Noo Yawk...we get cacophony wholesale

Bryan said...

You couldn't pay me enough money to live in CA. I enjoyed my 2 weeks over there earlier in the year, but I was very happy to show them my skidmarks as I left.

It's great your still love your bikey bike. It is on the short list for me when I get tired of my current fred sled.

I would put money on that fUCI bro wanting to be a tri-bro, but can't ride a bike without someone breaking wind in front of him...I mean, breaking the wind. He probably gets lost really easy, too. I hope he pops his rear tube and doesn't have a spare.

Anonymous said...

Tobacco Company+Unrepentant Doper=A Marriage Made in Heaven

Anonymous said...

One of the Coronado bike lane hating women has a business where she sells baskets and trays with fruit painted on them. Very much a source of meaningful aesthetics.

Anonymous said...

The phallic-smothering power of the love box is well known. Hurtful slurs involving boxes are freely bandied about - think of the children, that woman is a real "box," "c'mon, baby, don't be such a 'square.'" Robert Egger doesn't like boxes. He doesn't like his member confined in them. When it comes to professional "boxes," he knows that box is lovingly embraceful, even with the turgid pierce of a UTI. But what about boxes for the rest of us? Egger believes it should be less about boxes and more about "stars."
I'm done now.

McFly said...

Just move to Smalltown, USA if you want to ride your bike in peace and not get mauled. You are such an anomaly that no one minds slowing down for 8-10 seconds. The only drawback is having to field questions like:

1) What happens to your feet and the pedals when you crash?

2) Do you wear those special outfits when you ride?

3) Are you going to do the Tour de France?

4) Who do you think you are Lance Armstrong?

5) You ever thought about puttin' a motor on that thing HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA?

Coronado_restaurant_worker said...

Anyone without proper luxury transportation and one or more full-time nannies is not welcome in Coronado.

As long as I leave quickly after my shift, everything is okay.

DB said...

Man, the Pope is everywhere.
I think he ran against the running presidents at the Nationals game last night.

Anonymous said...

remind me to never ever go to fucking Coronado. sounds like a good title for a song. human stupidity knows no bounds.

The King of Park Slope said...

F U C me on that POS ... kill me.

DB said...

I have been to Coronado, California and the residents don't have to worry about property values going down.
It's a beautiful place.
They just need fewer Reagan Republicans. It's a little right wing down there.

Hee Haw the barista said...

I'm worried about Ted Kascziynsczki ... do you think he's ok?

Anonymous said...

Check the inequality adjusted HDI, USA is much lower on that list.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_inequality-adjusted_HDI

JLRB said...

DB - He might pinch hit tonight - make-up double header so the bench might be wearing thin ... I'd be going if not for little league obligations

My firstest team clinched a playoff spot last night - well the right to play a one game playoff anyhow

P. Bateman said...

why a dairy cow?

and since when do dairy cows meow?

they most certainly do not.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcPOEtuAKw0

N/A said...

Maybe that cow self-identifies as a cat. Take your bovine-normative values elsewhere!

bad boy of the north said...

wow those!coronado ladies have their old lady underwear in a wad.now,there's a visual.
I guess it's hard to feel like a piece of kit in Coronado.

Anonymous said...

One of the Coronado bike lane hating women has a business where she sells baskets and trays with fruit painted on them. Very much a source of meaningful aesthetics.

Obviously Coronado needs bike lanes demarcated with miniature fruit trees in planters

or else paintings of them?

bad boy of the north said...

ooops...meant ...those Coronado ladies(remove the exclamation point after those).darn typing.

P. Bateman said...

well, then that cow is mad because its clearly a cow.

N/A said...

That's a moot point.

P. Bateman said...

dont you mean a moo point?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIkJ4BUChxI

N/A said...

Can't watch the link, but I bet I know what it is. And, yes.

Hoghopper said...

I detect white and asian privilege in that poll.

P. Bateman said...

@N/A - its joey from friends.

you know, like a cows opinion.

N/A said...

Heh, that's what I figured it was.

Hoghopper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P. Bateman said...

asian privilege? whats that get you these day?

Anonymous said...

The Coronado story, citizens complaining about how the painted bike lanes appear visually. But it's OK for businesses to have in your face signs along the lines of the Burger This and That, Bagel Blah, Blah, Murphy's Fake Irish Pub, etc, etc. Sure, makes a lot of sense.

P. Bateman said...

dont you go knockin' Murphy's. i play a lot of darts and hit on chubby women there.

Spokey said...

yeepers

hit murphy's in rapid city back on the 9/8. delicious beer cheese soup. nice outdoor sitting. but we makes better deviled eggs back here in snobbie's hemorrhoids.

Anonymous said...

Hey, the French Bakery has a great bagel with a smear of merde.

Regular guy said...

I would only buy property in Coronado if you paid me to, heavy military presence. Oh, and flat, flat, flat. Too bad you can't ride on the Coronado bridge, stuck with having to ride all the way down to that armpit Imperial Beach to get there/out. Every one of those ladies reminded me of my San Diego resident sister in law, overly concerned with aesthetics and property values, too much time on their hands.

And what's up with the mayors office? With an office that small, no wonder he has no pull.

Dooth said...

Darby and Gerry sold out their life as poets so they can live the good life. Now they're left spewing hyperbole and surrealism at every opportunity.

N/A said...

Coronado doesn't want bike lanes to pull focus from their stupid houses!

N/A said...

Darby and Gerry have done quite a bit of seminal work with Delia Ephron back in the late 90's, but you never heard it from me.

P. Bateman said...

i was pulling something recently...but it wasn't focus.


JLRB said...

These Coronadians have missed the mark. Bike lanes? Ugly?

Have they not noticed those ugly red octagonal signs with ugly white lettering? They mar the beauty of just about every intersection in town. Get rid of them all!

JB said...

Coronado likely doesn't have any of the normal BK/McDonald's signs. They probably make them put up those 3' high painted wooden signs like you see in fancy vacation places (e.g., Hilton Head).

P.S. I like HH!

P. Bateman said...

i still want to know what i'm missing out on by not having any asian privilege??

i mean, i have a lot of native american so i've been asked a few times if i'm asian. just wondering what perks i might be able to take advantage of.

Bill O said...

Asian Privilege 'splained

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I just checked out Coronado, CA. on Google Earth. It looks like Fuck - o ville to me.

Spokey said...

yeah but everything looks like fuck-o fuck-0 fuck-o fuck-o fuck-o fuck-o fuck-o fuck-o ville to you

Anonymous said...

Dead last!

Anonymous said...

According to the Wikipedia, Coronado native Tina Weymouth has been critical of the David Byrne, describing him as "a man incapable of returning friendship."

So there ya' go.

Also, from what I can tell, Spanish explorer Vázquez de Coronado, who was undoubtedly a racist and a homophobe, never set foot in California, although not all towns named Coronado are named after him, obviously.

P. Bateman said...

a racist, homophobe, and an accomplished explorer?

how did folks back then find the time to achieve so much?

i mean, i sold some ads today, pulled on it for a while, read this blog, ordered a pizza and now watching a 2.5 star at best movie on netflix and i'm worn out.

Andy said...

I agree, about the cow and the kittens. Just, wow.

David Pearce said...

Dear Snob & Snob Readers:

From today's post: "the temperature drops which means you've got to put on pants..."

I am SO BAD at transitions! From one season to another, I don't do it good!

Remember that Simon & Garfunkel song, "The Boxer"? And those lines in it:

"Well I'm laying out my winter clothes /
And wishing I was home / ....
Going home /
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me /
Leading me .... home /
Going home!"


By the time I die, sorry, to keep it light here, by the time I croak, I'll be perfect at laying out my winter clothes, and the clothes / sunglasses / sunblock for each season.

Hi Snob!

PLPos0713 said...

mayors got a man-bun

Wrench Monkey said...

I think it's time for us to all go to Coronado for an en masse complain ride. We can show them what real graffiti is. Fuckos.

Anonymous said...

Vertigo? Dizziness? Balls. The affrontery of the blessed path of the auto will not be tolerated. What a far-seeing and thoughtful council to not allow these 'road tattoos' to multiply. And I want that ibike, too. Hey, my hill is hard to climb and I might need assisted vehicle awareness.
Outie.

Anonymous said...

Phony caco

dop said...

Fuck'o the morning to you

McFly said...

I spotted at least 5 prime examples of MILF on Wheels in the 2:47 Coronado video. Who in their right mind would not want a designated lane for a Daily Milf Parade?

JB said...

Mountain biking in Nepal? I ride 1x in Colorado brah.

bad boy of the north said...

My wife and i saw one of the weirdest things yesterday.now you've probably seen it.......it was a street motorcycle with a road bike on a rack in the back.weird.

JLRB said...

CACO FUKO

JLRB said...

Think about it from the kittens perspective

JLRB said...

I don't know how it will go for NYC but the Pope's visit to 'Merica's dumb dome calmed traffic problems - 'cause everyone said fuck it we're closing - work from home

Spokey said...

is it starting to get a little chilly around here?

jeez. i go hie-eat-us for a couple weeks and you fuck-o(e)s start some global cooling shit. had to put on a corduroy shirt this morn.

N/A said...

I would like to see a MILF parade, if that's something we're voting on.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Man, I'm almost in the running for 100 !

Broke a rear (drive side of course) spoke this morning. Fortunately 1 block from work so I'll forget about it til ... hey what's that rubbing all about?

Glad I have like 3 spare beat up wheels to get spare spokes from.

vsk

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

I wonder if the naked booby chicks are still in Timeses Square?


vsk

Unknown said...

vsk said , for the 100 ...

A bunch of guys are getting together at the Kissena Park Velodrome Sunday morning at 10 to pay tribute to a fellow who passed away recently.
There will also be a vintage track iron day with folks from the Brooklyn Velodrome Vintage Wheelmen and others. Should be a nice day. It's usually in October / November so it will be a little warmer.

vsk

Spokey said...


good pulling it for the 100 vsk. i thought the boobies all ambled over to some other place when de-commie-o threatened to close those areas (whatever they're called. i know not parks).

Unknown said...

Them boobs is cash n carry.

Time for some funny selfieses !

vsk

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Anonymous said...

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