Friday, May 8, 2015

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Next Sunday, May 17th, is the Gran Fondo New York:

(Pro for a day, Fred for a lifetime.)

So why does this matter?  Because I'll be "leading" an alternate ride that very same day called the BSNYC Gran Fondon't:

(Click here for theme music.)

So what is the BSNYC Gran Fondon't?  Well, first of all it has no association whatsoever with the Gran Fondo New York.  If anything, it's the anti-matter that resulted from the creation of the Gran Fondo, and if it helps let's compare it to the GFNY 50 miler:

Note that for US$299 (plus an additional $14.95 they just call a "fee") the GFNY will graciously allow you to ride a bicycle to Bear Mountain or wherever, including return transportation.

On the other hand, for US$0 (plus an additional $0 I simply call "nothing")* the Gran Fondon't will involve riding 50 miles on the opposite side of the river from the GFNY.  Furthermore, the BSNYC Gran Fondon't will provide no return transportation or indeed any transportation of any kind, though we will finish close to where we start.  (Feel free to use the subway, the Metro North, the car that you own, lease, or finance, or any other form of transport that is in no way my problem, responsibility, or concern.)  Also, the Gran Fondon't is not a sanctioned ride, nor is it being held under the auspices of any organization.  Rather, it's simply going to be people who enjoy riding bicycles (and who happen to read this blog) meeting at a certain place and time in order to go on a ride together, at the end of which we'll finish up someplace where we can purchase and consume beer.  (You buy your own beer, cheapskate.)

*[I will, however, ask you to make a completely voluntary donation in the amount of your choosing to a non-profit volunteer organization in order to help support some of the trails we'll be using.]

So, in short:

BSNYC Gran Fondon't!

When: Sunday, May 17th, 7:30am;
Where: Starts uptown.  Way uptown;
What: 50-ish (?) miles of mixed terrain north of New York City and east of the Hudson, figure around four hours of riding, nothing crazy;
Who: People who enjoy riding bicycles in a somewhat spirited but not antagonistic fashion;
Why: Because I said so, that's why.

If you came to the "Super-Secret Early Morning Ride" last week you've got a pretty good idea of what to expect, except this will be a couple of hours longer, we'll go farther north, and we'll take in some more inspiring "countryside," such as it is.  This isn't a "no-drop" ride, but the pace will be civil.  (I define "civil" as "comfortable for me.")  Yes there will be dirt, yes your road bike will be fine, no you don't need to buy special equipment unless you're looking for an excuse to do so, in which case go ahead and buy some handmade Paris-Roubaix tubulars and a custom gravel bike.

Oh, and if the weather sucks I'm canceling, life's too short for slogs and death marches.

If you're interested email me at bikesnobnyc (@) yahoo (dot) com with the subject line "I DON'T DON'T WANT TO DO THE FONDON'T!" and I'll send you full details when they're ready.

Speaking of riding bikes, as someone who doesn't use Strava I was pleasantly surprised to read this tweet from Bicycling:
That is, until I read the article:

And discovered that, in lieu of Strava, Freds and Fredericas need to engage in self-bribery, psychological trickery, and even good old-fashioned hoarding behavior in order to convince themselves to ride their multi-thousand dollar bicycles:

You're Financially Motivated
Drop coins or dollar bills into a jar after every ride. Use the cash to buy a new piece of gear at the end of the year.

You Like Souvenirs
Pick up a pebble or a rock on every ride and add it to a pile near your doorstep, creating a cairn of your rides.

You Just Want Memories
Keep a handwritten diary of your rides. Note distance, destinations, milestones, and revelations.

You're Glued to Social Media
Create a unique hashtag, then tweet or post photos to Instagram every time you get on the bike. At the end of the year, you'll have a stream that doubles as a ride log.

Are you kidding me?  Stick-on stars?!?  Are these adult cyclists or kindergarteners learning how to tie their shoes?  If you need to pay yourself or build a midden by your door in order to ride your bike then just give up.  Really.  Nobody's making you do any of this.  It's supposed to be fun!  Me, if I'm lucky enough to have a window of a couple hours I can't wait to jump on the bike--I don't need to add another clipping to my toenail collection before doing so.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong, that's not great, because you'll see some fucking asshole scare an entire school off their bikes.

[Also, please note that QUESTION #7 IS A SPECIAL INTERACTIVE QUESTION, and if you get it right and follow the directions after the question YOU WILL WIN A PRIZE COURTESY OF CLASSIC CYCLE!]

That's right, the stakes just went up.  A lot.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and happy quizzing.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Alberto Contador says he has the necessary confidence to do a Giro-Tour double this year because:

--He won the Vuelta last year
--He has a newly-designed bicycle
--He's breathing freely thanks to the strips on his nose

2) What's going on here?

--A tall biker is chucking a u-lock at a driver
--A driver is chucking a u-lock at a tall biker
--The guy on the right is throwing the lock because the driver is heckling him for his socks
--God hates Portland, so He is cleansing it with a hail of u-locks

3) What are these "Spoke Fins" for?

--They're supposed to help you true your wheels
--They're supposed to help maintain spoke tension
--They're supposed to increase aerodynamics
--They emit a pleasing sound when you hit Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed

(Robbie McEwen, feelin' the PEAWAH!)

4) What is "PEAWAH?"

--Australian for "power"
--A female peacock
--A guitar effect
--An energy bar made from peas and water

5) This man wants $100,000 for:

--A "Loud Ass Bike Horn"
--A "Big Ass Bike Tire"
--An "Ass-Haulin' Bike Motor"
--Foghat tickets

6) Should you drill a hole in your crabon frame in order to turn the downtube into a hydration bladder?

--Oh yeah, absolutely, sounds like a great idea.
--What are you, a friggin' idiot?

7) What year is this Schwinn Grey Ghost?*


*First person to email me at bikesnobnyc (@) yahoo (dot) com with the correct answer wins a prize courtesy of Classic Cycle!  Use subject line "IWONIWONIWON!"

Prize has been claimed, thank you for playing!  Stay tuned for more exciting opertunity's to win!

***Special Bike Theft Report With Appearances By Your's Truley!***

Not bad, but could have used more me.


Unknown said...

9. The two psychological tendencies that underlie modern leftism we call “feelings of inferiority” and “oversocialization.” Feelings of inferiority are characteristic of modern leftism as a whole, while oversocialization is characteristic only of a certain segment of modern leftism; but this segment is highly influential.

Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Giro d'Italia tomorrow!

dop said...


herzogone said...

Top ten, trailing Ted

Anonymous said...

Wait, I got confused. How many bags of toenail clippings does it cost to enter the Grand Fondon't?

Anonymous said...


Serial Retrogrouch said...

je suis top dix

Anonymous said...

Is there a bike snob paris or london or milan? Or does this blog say something about the character of cycling in america?

Spokey said...



il Pirata est Mort said...

I smell Oscar!

That's because he's next to me in the subway and he stinks. Love U Snobby!

Anonymous said...

That quiz kicked my ass and I was here all week reading.
Shoulda studied more.

Al Fritz said...

Damn. Missed the Grey Ghost question by one year. (Chain ring tells you it is from the 70's.)

Grump said...

You are making it too easy for people to ride your Cheesy Fondue thingy. You should charge then $2 to partake of your ride. The catch?........Make them pay with a $2 bill. If you get 1700 people to do your ride, you'll make at$1152.50.


Anonymous said...

The Grey Ghost was the only one I got right. Had a friend who got the first one in Iowa.
Pretty sweet ride. Wishes he still had it.

Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Douche'baggs said...

Was Kelly McGillis ever cured of hoof and mouth disease?

jayteepee said...

I'm hoping the S&S couplers for my tall bike are done before next weekend so I can make it to the Gran Fondon't. Are there any shops in the area where I can buy u-locks in bulk?

The King of Park Slope said...

I remember being envious of the kid with a stick shift on his bike.

Hee Haw the Barista said...

That's not bad for Foghat tix ... I have all their 8 tracks.

Dr. Sigmund Fried said...

I'll be riding BSNYC's FonDon't telepathically. I will not be there physically. But I will be there spiritually. Telekinetically speaking. And I will be on Spandex Camel Toe Patrol.

PS - BSNYC. If you check your subconscious mind you will find my $2.00 entry fee.

PotbellyJoe said...

@BSNYC, Thanks again for another week of brightening my lunch hour with your jovial rants.

I was surprised to not see a comment on the Radio Shack takeover of Bicycling Magazine. At least that's what I have surmised has happened according to the logo.

But let's discuss serious topics. Beards.

I have one, it is trimmed periodically and well-kept. Do I continue to keep it closely trimmed, or just cut down to a goatee for the spring/summer?

The Mrs. won't let me go beardless, says my babyface makes her feel like a pedo.

Anonymous said...

I just KNEW that Grey Ghost and I are the same age!

Anonymous said...

After 10 years of marriage my wife asked me to shave my beard (she had never seen me clean shaven.) I did. She took one look and told me to grow it back.

True story.

Anonymous said...

Ted K, what is the point exactly? perhaps I'm missing the joke, which I'm certain is hilarious.

leroy said...

Public Service Announcement

My dog is not authorized to sell podium spots at the New York Gran Fondo.

Past doping incidents notwithstanding, the New York Gran Fondo does not condone fixing its competition to lend an air of authenticity to the ride.

If you purchased a podium position from my dog, he spent the money on beer.

He no longer has the beer, but will pee in a cup for you should you require a B sample on May 17.

He assures me the sample will test at a professional level.

JB said...

Snob's "leading" the Gran Fondon't. Sounds like he consulted his attorneys.

Justine Valinotti said...

George Carlin will make snacks for the ride: "Cheese fondon't for people who don't like cheese fondue!"

Bentit Surf said...

After 10 years of marriage my wife asked me to shave my beard (she had never seen me clean shaven.) I did. She took one look and told me to grow it back.

True story.

Upstairs Beard or Downstairs Beard?

Unknown said...

"Ted K, what is the point exactly?"

Well the original point was from the 5th comment on April 25, to post something besides PODIUM! that was about as meaningful.

The point is exact anymore, but it seems to be growing...

Unknown said...

April 23, not 25

Fred K. said...

Lighten up Francis.

GreySpoke said...

What's with the Inspector Gadget trench coat?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My scranus bribed me into riding my recumbent bike tonight after work. I'm good with that.

Billy said...

All of that business with the pipe and the three fingers through the locks made me very uncomfortable.

I got the Grey Ghost year in one (lucky guess) but too late for the contest.

I couldn't resist leaving a snarky comment on the watermelon head video. I toned it way down from my first draft.

grog said...

It's in the basement of the Alamo.
Go short. Size matters.

BamaPhred said...

Vegetable smashing, fuggettaboutit.
More RedDress or IMA, well you know the rest.

Ted K Critic said...

The movement Ted K is talking about has not been defined adequately, but I will assume for the sake of convenience and brevity (i.e. not having to complain about for the rest my review) that it has. I'm obligated to use a different term for it however, since "leftism" is inaccurate. Now mind you, I don't mean to suggest that its use is altogether unfounded, since certain characteristics Ted K describes could be said to apply in a cultural sense to what passes for a "left" in what passes for "discourse" in American politics. Nonetheless to assist in making a clean break and considering the problem afresh, I shall take a cue from software industry essayist Paul Graham, and name this movement or culture "Blub."

So paragraph 9 begins to describe Blub. Blub as a philosophy places a high premium on the rights and welfare of those considered weaker or disadvantaged. Blub, in effect, always roots for the underdog. It is Ted K's assertion here that this mindset is due to a direct identification with the weak/disadvantaged (or for short, "feelings of inferiority").

Oversocialization (being or having been assimilated into society to an excessive degree) of course is a feature of Blub as well, though not uniquely of Blub -- it is shared by adherents of Blub's opposing philosophy, and in fact by most people in the industrialized world. It should be seen, within the Ted K worldview, as one of the generalized ills of industrial society.

babble on said...

OMG yer so cute, Snobbydoodydoo, and a poet AND a philosopher, too. That woman you tricked into marrying you is a lucky girl. You can tell her I said so.

Anon @1:38 - yer wife may feel differently when she learns that beards contain fecal matter, so that, in fact, bearded men have poop on their faces.

Peak beard. Done.

Bort said...

Whatever "the point" supposedly was/is, the result is called "being a troll."

Kevin Spacey said...

Hey! We are twins.

Anonymous said...

If the Grand Fondon't is not a sanctioned ride.. Can Lance join in the fun?

Fred from Milan said...

That stick shift is actually spelt "STIK SHIFT". That makes it REALLY fab, as do the "Schwinn approved" brakes. Not to mention the pie plate that gave birth to all pie plates that have ever come since...

The wine choice was easy. I was so slow writing I had to guess right twice

Bryan said...

The Bicycling least she realized she was a middle of the pack rider and didn't need a coach and powermeter etc. That's the first step towards enlightenment. Now, scroll down to Tips with Kareena Dawn....vavavoom. I'll play Just The Tip all day every day with her

Anonymous said...

Archimedes can suck my dick. Good video, problem is that you missed your earlobe by a good two inches.

like a hole in the head said...

I'm considering an actual gravel bike. Quick talk me out of it.

Anonymous said...

Ted K.

So there is a point. so never mind then. keep up the good work.

Baldspot v. Blogspot: Who Will Win? said...

As someone who started losing his hair in his 20s-- I'm 35 now-- I wish Snob had showed his bald spot earlier... No wonder we're all about the Walz caps.

BamaPhred said...

So what prevents one from just riding the course during the GFNY cause they want to, and not be a part of GFNY? Is it not a public road, or do they close the course, so to speak?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I coulda been a contendah for the grey ghost, but I missed the kickoff of Friday Fun Quiz, cuz ai had to go get weed killah with Mrs Old Cyclist.

Fondont is a real possibility for me. That ought to keep some people away. I have that effect on people.

BTW, Snobbie, ' loved yesterday's Yankee comment. I thought I was the only one who noticed that.

dop said...

I agree with Bryan about the Bicycling articles...I occasionally measure my VO2...suffice to say my max is well below any elite rider's anaerobic threshold. Mere mortals can train all they like, and fill in all the , and they will still never match the stars

dop said...

fill in all the boxes on their spreadsheets

Anonymous said...

I just bought my plastic bag for the plane trip to the BSNYC Gran Fondon't !!

Can't wait!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Baldspot vs. Baldspot: Who Will Win?,

Where have you been?!? It's been all over the Internet for years!


Two things: 1) The abjectly terrifying prospect of being subsumed by thousands upon thousands of overzealous Freds (redundant I know) in lime green jerseys; 2) If you are such a Fred, the indignity of not having your every pedal stroke timed by the GFNY overlords' transponders.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

flesh colored hair said...

that's not a bald spot, I just get my hair cut that way.

David Pearce said...

Dear Wildcat Top Gun Rock Machine,

I like you.

I can see you are really getting good at the parenting thing, because you use phrases like, "Because I said so, that's why!"

Another good one, I think you will find, is, "'Shut up!' he explained".

Having a mirror right outside the door where one takes his daily shower (whether he needs it or not), is one of the best ways to motivate one's self to lose excess weight! Or, on the other hand, it may cause one to run directly to one's stash of arsenic. But we won't go there.

I regret to say just how much I have come to resemble my father, and not in a good way, either!

So I was idly wondering, dear Snob Machine, how closely have you come to resemble your own "Approve" avatar?!

And have a grand Fondon't!

Scandinavian Hilpster said...

Possibly the first time I've seen the word 'midden' in a blog

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well I don't have a stash of arsenic but I do keep a jug or two of weed killah out in the shed.

Anonymous said...

Cab fare from Bear Mountain to Grand Central is only about $150. Granted you'd probably have to pay him for the trip out too... so... $300 is the amount you can get away with charging for Grand Fondue. The "fee" is for the actual cost of snacks.

ken e. said...

got nothing, except maybe a touch of sun.


What! said...

Team L-DOPA will be riding the entire BSNYC FonDon't in the missing stoner formation which when viewed from above replicates the shape of a marijuana leaf with a missing frond, in honor of Jack Her, ahh Herr, uhhhhhhhh Here, uhhhhhhh Herer. Yah! That's it! Jack Hererer.

As last year Team L-DOPA will be riding our house brand rides with the gas mask bongs at full fire.

We miss you Jack

Anonymous said...

Aw, that bike theft video nearly made cry, but in the face of such a heart wrenching tale, Snobby was far too flippant for my liking.

Also, more than once in recents blogs, Snobby has referred to femaled Freds as Frediricas or some such. Isn't the correct terminology "Wilmas" or simply "Freds with boobs"?

Kerry said...


I hope you hooked that duder (or is it dudder?) up with one of your many bikes. I'm thinking your cracked specialized could use some love these days.

JLRB said...

Pro scranus for a day

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

David Pearce 4:12

I will one up you on looking like your father....every day I look more and more like my mother. THAT is not good at all!

Team L-Dopa said...

Snob! We were there on the 7th. The entire Team. Where were you? I mean really if you are going to run an event such as the FonDon't least you could do is show up?

Anonymous said...

that guy in the stolen bike video kind of looks like you - like you're brothers with two different dads. weird.

James said...

"Police said no criminal charges had been or were likely to be filed against the driver."

4Fuxake said...

Incisive, enlightening and engaging.

A smiley face AND two gold stars!

ce said...


1. The way Bib Shorts Guy is cropped cracks me up.

2. Different colour socks guy has his port and starboard sides mixed up.

P. Bateman said...

i'm late to the post and only skimmed the comments - did anyone say anything about putting 3 fingers and a pipe into the smaller hole?

feel like its worth mentioning.

also worthy of mention is the big brain on BikeSnob - dropping archimedes like it was nuthin'.

name dropper.

Anonymous said...

In the "screwing up repeatedly yet still not losing your license until finally you amputate somebody" department:


McFly said...

Pick up a pebble or a rock on every ride and add it to a pile near your doorstep, creating a cairn of your rides.

No way in hell is a true Fred going to add unnecessary weight to his Crabon Chariot of Crankitude.

Just Wait Until You Are Paying College Bills said...

So my daughter came home from college for the week end, and I showed the bike theft video. She said "Is that the Bike Snob person you are always talking about? He does not look nearly as mal-adjusted as I though he would."

Thought you would want to know.

JB said...

My 10yo son chose a helment mirror as a gift for my birthday. I'm very conflicted.

dop said...

sounds like a great're raising him right

PotbellyJoe said...

I had a teacher in HS who was 100% colorblind. We could tell when he and his wife weren't getting along because his clothes wouldn't match.

Perhaps mismatched-socks guy is in the same boat.

JB said...

My road bike bicycle is an old steel bike with downtube shifters, the helment mirror seems like it's crossing some sort of Sheldon-Brownian line.

PotbellyJoe said...

Sheldon-Brownian motion is the random movement of cyclists, suspended between style, function and no longer giving a shit about the thoughts of other cyclists.

Anonymous said...

PBJ for Comment of the (next) Day

ce said...

I'll dispute that, I give it to JB, with a special mention to PBJ for the creative spin off.