Monday, April 13, 2015

Purple Prose Is The New Purple Anodization

What a glorious weekend it was!

(Weather-wise I mean.  I had a massive pimple on the inside of my nose that made my weekend a living hell.)

Indeed, for the first time in 2015, I rode with exposed calves.  It was profoundly liberating to expose my pale, sickly flesh to the world (but profoundly nauseating if you weren't me).  Indeed, there were moments during my ride when I came close to experiencing pure bliss--but then I'd put a finger on my nostril to blow a snot rocket and OH I FORGOT ABOUT THE PIMPLE THE PAIN THE PAIN THERE IS NO GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!

The other thing I did for the very first time was wear the official Fred "Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" speed jersey from Walz:


So have I been hawking a jersey all winter long that I've never actually tried beyond walking around the living room in it while wearing nothing else but my underpants?  Sure.  But now that I've ridden in it, you can believe me when I tell you that this is one comfortable jersey.  Slipping it on is like swaddling yourself in the finest silk.  Climbing is effortless in this jersey--even on the steepest gradient you'll feel like a baby being lovingly lifted from a cradle by a highly-skilled nanny.  And descending?  Forget about it.  Time will stand still.  Even at Fred "Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" speed you'll feel like a tuft of down falling off a molting owl's ass.  Don't believe me?  Here's a nipple "selfie" I took at 80mph:


OK, I admit some of that was hyperbole.  Yes, the Fred "Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" is very possibly the most comfortable jersey I own, but I've been reading a lot of bike reviews lately, and the narrative style is starting to rub off on me.  In fact, my very favorite stylistic element of bike review prose is the "Spurious Anecdote," which is basically a highly dubious story that's designed to prove the author's ridiculous premise.  (The author's premise is almost always "You need to spend a shitload of money on this plastic bike.")  Consider this review for the Trek Domane Disc 6.9 which I was reading on the terlet this morning:


Here's the "Spurious Anecdote:"

And going down, oh my. Here's an anecdote that summarizes my experience: Coming off a high mountain pass in Colorado, I saw that I was closing in on a slower-moving car in my lane, and sat up to have a drink. I casually glanced at my bike computer and noticed that I was moving at nearly 60 mph—with just one hand on the bar, the bike still brilliantly composed.

Going down indeed.  I can hear John Burke moaning from here.  60mph?  One-handed?  Drinking?!?  Come on.  Yeah, I'm sure if you spend $8,000 on a Trek it will miraculously transform the act of high-speed descending into something like sipping a G&T on the bow of a yacht while off-handedly glancing at your Rolex.  (Note to "Bicycling:" you can keep that simile, by the way.)

But while creating a good "Spurious Anecdote" may seem like nothing more than unchecked exaggeration, it's not that simple.  No, there are strict rules to the form, and you need to include either 1) A superhuman feat the bike allowed you to do (see above); or else 2) A situation in which you totally get over on suckers with lesser equipment--to wit:



As I headed up Second on my lap of 2-5-10, the Colnago ascended smoothly, allowing me to maintain a conversation without gasping. When the road pitched down, our group of 20 spread out as we gained speed. Heading toward the first left-hander, I closed in on two riders pedaling side by side. I thought about braking, then didn't. A crease had opened between them and I slipped through, instinctively, nearly impetuously.

"Whoosh!"  Suckers.  Also, note that "the Colnago ascended smoothly, allowing me to maintain a conversation without gasping."  See, he didn't ascend, the Colnago did it for him--so much so that he didn't even breathe heavily.  So basically it's not a bike.  It's a combination horse/asthma inhaler.

Yes, personification is a highly useful literary device when reviewing bicycles, and this reviewer uses it to great effect:

Given the low weight and stiff frame, I expected the bike to leap forward and was surprised when it didn't. Instead, speed increased steadily rather than in chaotic bursts. The bike maneuvered with a similar calmness. Initiate line changes with your hips and the bike snaps across the apex.

Furthermore, he combines personification with yet another effective tool, which is making up an undesirable thing no bike ever does, and then saying this bike is good because it doesn't do that thing that never happens, as in: "I expected the bike to leap forward and was surprised when it didn't."  Why is he surprised?  What bike that isn't a motorcycle has ever done that???  He might as well have said, "I expected the bike to throw me to the ground, remove its own saddle, and begin pegging me.  I was surprised when it didn't."

Surprised, and perhaps disappointed.

And I don't mean to single out Bicycling here, because it was Lennard Zinn who penned what may be my favorite "Spurious Anectode" of all time:



A couple of weekends ago, we had a race here at the nearby Flatirons Mall on a grassy hillside above the Denver-Boulder Turnpike. One corner was an uphill buttonhook around a tree after dropping off of a downhill sidewalk and descending along the sidehill. I noticed most riders in my category repeatedly pumping their lever to shift from their smallest cog to their largest in anticipation of the buttonhook that required coming to a near stop and then turning sharply left uphill. They couldn’t pedal hard down toward the corner due to the decreasing gear as well as all of the hard effort from their right arm. I, on the other hand, could pedal most of the way to the corner in a high gear, and just as I started applying my brakes, I could just hold down the right downshift lever and keep turning my feet. It doesn’t require nearly the force, concentration, or time to make the shift all of the way from one end of the cogset to the other, and I closed some gaps on that downhill that way.

The best "Spurious Anecdotes" unwittingly undermine themselves by underscoring how absurd the pursuit of amateur glory on an expensive bicycle is--in this case, a middle-aged man using an expensive, state-of-the-art electronic shifting system to defeat other middle-aged men with lesser equipment in a bike race being held behind a shopping mall.

Then again, professional cyclists are no less ridiculous.  Consider yesterday's Paris-Roubaix, in which a number of riders slipped through a railroad crossing as a high-speed train approached:


"Several riders deliberately, and against all safety rules, crossed a closed safety barrier," said a SNCF statement. “Millions of television viewers saw live this extremely grave and irresponsible action which could have been tragic.”

As the peloton approached the crossing, the barriers began falling. Riders rode on through, around and under the barriers. AFP reports that one rider was hit by a closing barrier, and that eventual winner John Degenkolb was amongst those who went through.

That is textbook Freds-on-the-Sunday-group-ride behavior--like the guy on the Serotta who runs a solid red light at a busy intersection so he doesn't get dropped from the Gimbels Ride.

Lastly, the New York Times recently ran a story written by a bicycle messenger:


It was mostly an enjoyable read, though this passage was a bit jarring:

I scanned my body for pain. It seemed I was O.K. Only then did I realize that I was sitting in a sea of aluminum cans. They were spilling out of the giant trash bags that the other cyclist, who was now on the ground next to me, had been carrying on his bike, apparently on his way to delivering them to a recycling center.

Amid the cans, I thought for a second about how just a few weeks ago I had been living with my parents in the suburbs of Kansas City. How strange that I was now sitting on a wet Manhattan street next to a complete stranger. But during our brief encounter, when he came over to help me up and see if I was O.K., I thought about what we did have in common: We were both working with our bikes.

Sure, the transplant from the suburbs of Kansas City is exactly like the person collecting cans for a living.

In any case, that crash would never have happened had she been riding the Colnago V1-r.

86 comments:

T. Macleod said...

Domo arigato, Mr. Podio!

Freddy Murcks said...

The breathless prose of bike reviews is inspired by the similarly breathless prose of sex columnists. Going down, indeed.

Freddy Murcks said...

By the way, podio.

Anonymous said...

Goodbye, Mr. Wiggins

Anonymous said...

The things you say, your purple prose just gives you away...

Tom Morley said...

The bicycle/train thing happened on a Sunday Atlanta group ride a few years ago.

NJRoadie said...

Top tensie. Scranus!

Anonymous said...

Rapha!

PotbellyJoe said...

I have electronic shifting on one of my bikes. It's really fantastic at times. There is the nagging doubt in my head at times that I can't remember when i last charged it. Also, since my shed doesn't have electricity in it, I also have to remember to grab it before I leave for the ride.

I've never left my shifter cables behind to start a ride.

Freddy Murcks said...

Going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, [harder, faster!] up and down, up and down, up and down.... Ah, that fresh, inexperienced Colnago was better than I could have ever imagined.

Anonymous said...

"I can hear John Burke moaning from here.:

Pardon my ignorance, but which John Burke could you hear moaning?

Also,
Good one, Snob!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dang diddly not even 10thy

Anonymous said...

You should send a free Woo Hoo Jersey to Julie and have her model it for us (I mean you). Maybe then I would buy one.

JB said...

Old-guy nose-hair advice: don't pluck them, cut them. Reduces the ingrown hair/pimples that totally suck.

Also, whenever I give 'em a good trim up in there, I can actually notice that there is less air friction it's easier to breath through my nose. That's like 2 watts, right there.

(just saw my name on Fridee's post. I was working! Back to read it..)

spatula said...

as well as all of the hard effort from their right arm.

You had me at hard effort.

bad boy of the north said...

yeah..i know.it's 1147am est.time for a g&t.now,where are those bitters?

bad boy of the north said...

i'm also in the top twenty while sitting on my yacht.

dop said...

Be very careful. The veins draing our face have no valves. (they go both ways...rimshot) a minor infection in your nose can end up rotting your brain...ask your barber to give you a little trim (the indignities of middle age) or buy one of these

Anonymous said...

Hey, Potbelly Joe,

Could you charge your electric shifter with a dyno hub? Somebody must have thought of this already, right? Summoning curmudgeon, who set me straight on how dropouts can be rear forks. I now refer to the real fork as forks, because I now know why (I used to think it was just one of those United Kingdom things, like the extra e or u in "merry olde England" or "colour".)

leroy said...

Well honestly, yet another example of pro cycling providing poor role models for my impressionable dog.

We watched the Paris-Roubaix race on our computer yesterday.

Now he's changed the words to that Maroon 5 song and singing that he's got the moves like Sagan.

I warned him about streaming media on the carpet.

And technically, I think he means a movement.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Middle something.

Saw a guy with a real nice Dancelli on the ride to work today. The Chrome H+Son rims looked nice w the white tires. I wonder if there is any stopping power if the rims get wet?

I hope it stays arm for the ride home tonight.

vsk

Anonymous said...

vsk corrected ...

I hope it stays WARM for the ride home 2night!

vsk

BamaPhred said...

Hilarious! I am gasping for air, from laughter. All of this, so true.

Le Quackupuncturist said...

Too much greasy fried pig anus + beer = pimples in nose.

Somebody said...

"Could you charge your electric shifter with a dyno hub? Somebody must have thought of this already, right?"

Shimano called it the Coating System

Did not last long.

Somebody said...

Coasting (not Coating)

balls™ said...

Going down is fun.

Bryan said...

At least that plastic Trek has fender mounts. I wish my Synapse did. That is the only thing missing from an otherwise perfect plastic bike. More bikes need to come with fender mounts.

You don't get Cat 6 recognition on a plastic bike beating the Freds on less expensive plastic bikes...you get recognition riding an old steel bike with downtube shifters and a Brooks saddle beating the Freds on plastic bikes. "Oh, you have a 2x11 electronic drive train? My 2x7 works just fine, seeing as I beat you uphill" --of course, if you have have friction shifters over indexed, you get even more points.

Anonymous said...

If road bike advertisements stuck to the facts it would get boring quickly: "It's a couple grams lighter than last year's model and this year's less expensive models!"

Alternately, "They're all the same. Pick the one with the paint job you like most."

Anonymous said...

A Fred being pegged by his bike seat? I'd pay money to see that.

cycle

Anonymous said...

BTW - rode yesterday for the first time in 2 years (injuries and operations). The first ride on a beautiful spring day after a long time off the bike is sooooo nice. Riding an old Trek steel mountain bike that cost less than the old man seat I put on it. I don't care anymore about the speed or the distance. Being old has its advantages. Now, I just ride and love it.

cycle

il pirata est Mort said...

I think the 60 MPH downhiller had his cyclometer in KPH mode.

Once bounced a Mtn bike and came down chest first on the seat and snapped the post in half. The bike bounced again and I came down with chest on broken post this time. Left a nice circular wound on my sternum that unfortunately didn't scar. Pegged indeed!

Buffalo Bill said...

We have a train station right in the core of our little cowtown, with several level crossings nearby that can fuck traffic right up.

When a big ole freight comes through, the barriers come down and the bells ring for a good 5 minutes before the train actually reaches the crossing. All the cars have to wait, while all the bikes and peds go through.

So far the only casualties have been drivers having aneurysms as they shout at those cheating cyclists.

Buffalo Bill said...

I wish we had a TGV though, that would be sweet.

and a lot more dangerous - why do they have any level crossings with those things?

NHcycler said...

@cycle 12:58:

"BTW - rode yesterday for the first time in 2 years (injuries and operations). The first ride on a beautiful spring day after a long time off the bike is sooooo nice. Riding an old Trek steel mountain bike that cost less than the old man seat I put on it. I don't care anymore about the speed or the distance. Being old has its advantages. Now, I just ride and love it."

Congrats on your recovery, and may you have many more years of cycling enjoyment. I hope most of us re-read your comment several times to allow your wisdom to sink in, at least a little.

Snob's ride reports show the good side of riding, even in NYC. There's never too much reinforcement of this. I'll coin a phrase -- it's not about the bike!

Thanks for the reminder

Jim Varney's Ghost said...

I've been waiting for a good "Ernesto Rides a Grand Fondue",or something but I've go nothing, as usual, KnowwhutImean,Vern?

balls™ said...

We're supposed to believe that Paris-Roubaix is a big deal, but while I don't expect the TGV to schedule around the race... why can't the race schedule around the train? Something? This isn't the first time this has happened.

More than anything, I think it shows why professional racing is only a joke shared by a very small group of followers (mostly old men).

Anonymous said...

There's another verbal maneuver they use, e.g.: 'The previous incarnation of Trekolnarello's XXX was that the seatpost flexed too much/not enough'

[Even though at the time, which was only 18 months ago, we said the bike was mind-blowingly flawless in every way]

'This new version, however, provides the perfectly-dialled amount of seat post flex, as if linked to your scranus by telepathy'

Anonymous said...

I already added the phrase "pegged impetuously" to my lexicon.

PotbellyJoe said...

@Anonymous 12:02, I'm assuming you can't only beacause no system seems to be set up for it. The Shimano battery has postive and negative terminal and the port it plugs into immediately goes down to e-tubes, so you would have to overcome sending surges of power into the system, i assume.

The battery seems to last a decent amount of time. I have charged it three times since buying the drivetrain, for a total of 1900 miles on that bike.

bk jimmy said...

The Kansas City transplant also says "the only time we really touch is when we crash into each other," but that's just because she's new in town.

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/05/this-just-in-fixed-gears-officially.html

Freddy 'Pencil Dick' Crabon said...

Mr. Snob ...

What is the position of the FonDon't BOD re the use of nitrous oxide and other non prescribed medicinal aids?

P. Bateman said...

what or who else is rubbing off on you?

Anonymous said...

There is a photo (Cycling News) of Paree Roobay winner Degenkolb being greeted at the finish by his wife holding their baby. It's a look every married guy knows. Something like "Are you finally done? Can you just take the kid for awhile? You know we have to be at my sister's in less than hour, or did you forget about that?"


LeSoigneur said...

Yesterday I had the car following me down the Fairfax side of White's Grade pull alongside at the bottom and tell me I was doing 42mph. Not even woo-hoo speed and you can be sure I was holding on with both hands.

CommieCanuck said...

I expected the bike to leap forward and was surprised when it didn't. Instead, speed increased steadily rather than in chaotic bursts. The bike maneuvered with a similar calmness. Initiate line changes with your hips and the bike snaps across the apex.

Someone should make an app that spews this utter bullshit.
I expected the bike to leap forward and was surprised when it didn't. Then, to my horror, I realized my motorcycle was out of gas.

CommieCanuck said...

I'll coin a phrase -- it's not about the bike!

That was coined by a rider who finished 97th at the TDF in 1993. He also won the "Thrift Drug Triple Crown of Cycling" about that time, a title that would be like soo ironic in about 20 years time.

THRF DRUG

LeSoigneur said...

Bryan,

I have passed people on various plastic bikes going up aforementioned White's Grade on my fixed gear. I laugh.

---

And sometimes I wish Blogger used a comments system that you could rate comments with, apart from the consensus COD exhanges. Cycle, Buffalo Bill and anon @2:43 get likes from me today

Rocket Scientist said...

The amount of dollars spent is directly proportional to one's overall cycling performance, it's just simple Fred math.

Anonymous said...

Also, whenever I give 'em a good trim up in there, I can actually notice that there is less air friction it's easier to breath through my nose. That's like 2 watts, right there.

Totally going to use this in a convo.

Sleeper said...

When I'm training I always use a track bike at railway crossings.

JB said...

Anon @ 2:43: COD.

Anonymous said...

I just swapped my Di2 set with a revolutionnary new derailleur system from Mishano. It's called the DiY, and doesn't require electricity to work! Amazing! The Future is there!

flattery_gets_you_nowhere said...

"Are you finally done? Can you just take the kid for awhile? You know we have to be at my sister's in less than hour, or did you forget about that?"

Truth: facts that piss people off.

Anonymous said...

"... A crease had opened between them..."

How can a crease open up?

A crease can develop, I suppose, but then it's not something you can slip "through, instinctively, nearly impetuously."

This prose is as purple as a luscious plum being lasciviously kneaded between recumbababe's breasts.



bad boy of the north said...

ahhh... a beautiful ride this afternoon even though I thought I was going to be tossed from the newburgh beacon bridge.

Anonymous said...

"...starting to rub off on me."

i know; i do that alot.

Dooth said...

Spurious anecdotes? Is that what they're calling "talking shit" these days?

babble on said...

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! OMG I laughed till I cried at this one. Pure, solid, heavyasfuck gold, snobi wan! Best line? Definitely: "I expected the bike to throw me to the ground, remove its own saddle, and begin pegging me..." but "OH I FORGOT ABOUT THE PIMPLE THE PAIN THE PAIN THERE IS NO GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!" will live on in perpetuity.

Cycle - welcome home. It's pure joy, isn't it, especially after a forced leave... glad to hear you're back in the saddle. :)

bad boy of the north said...

Cycle...welcome back to the fold.

Richard Breaks said...

Purple prose is the new Purple Haze. Unless you're living in Colo or Wash. Then Purple Haze is the New Purple Haze.

A crash in the Tour du Alcoa Tennessee said...

"Only then did I realize that I was sitting in a sea of aluminum cans."

babble on said...

EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMG. I just found a false widow guarding an egg sack in my kitchen cupboard! Fucking spider has a violin on her back and can climb to the top of a mason jar NO PROBLEM. My little guy has a leopard gecko, tree frogs and a penchant for collecting critters, so bugs don't generally bug me. I see a cricked in the house and other than being surprised that the cat isn't on it, I just pick it up and put it in a tank. But THIS?!? This spider totally gives me the willies. YUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK!!! :S

B. Cookson said...

balls™ @ 1:35

Dear Mr. Balls™,

I’m quite certain that John Degenkolb, winner of this edition of Paris-Roubaix, would GREATLY value the information that, in your esteemed opinion “professional racing is only a joke shared by a very small group of followers (mostly old men)”.

Maybe you could send him a note to that effect?

Anonymous said...

B. Cookson 7:15

Poe's law?

The One a Race I Wanted Above All Others said...

What, Hincapie didn't win again. Excuse me I meant BIG GEORGE. Retirement is no excuse.

dop said...

My 18 yo daughter was home sick from school today & watched many videos. She showed me a collection of 'The Ten Greatest Movie Swordfights of All Time' . I noted that Liam Neeson got two mentions, for his fight with a Sith in Phantom Menace, and going against Tim Roth in Rob Roy.

My daughter said, "Yeah dad, he's like a white Samuel Jackson".

The mind reels.

BamaPhred said...

So what does one expect bike reviewers to write? "There I was, descending at 60mph, when suddenly I flatted. The bike disintegrated, but fortunately I managed to land in feathers from a molting owls' ass and did not suffer injury. so I said fuck this noise and walked to the nearest Waffle House."

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

That would be awesome, Bama!

TeamKarp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TeamKarp said...

Some more anecdotes for you:http://teamkarp.blogspot.com/2015/04/first-ride.html

McFly said...

2:43 COD, indeed...

I assume applying pressure to an Internal Nostril Pimple is akin to child labor.

Instinctive and impetuous crease slipping is for Sunday nights son.

McFly said...

child *bearing* labor

leroy said...

Dear Ms. Babble @ 6:58 --

Oh what I wouldn't give for a spider with a violin on her back instead of a dog with a banjo on his knee.

I get no sleep around here.

leroy said...

And 2:43 pm was definitely COD.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Yesterday I rode after work on a beauty of a day. I was a bit rusty, taking it slow, but the guy in the pickup was in midseason form, asking me what the fuck I was doing.

JLRB said...

McFly @ 6:19-20 - thank you for clarifying - I was picturing the smallest of Snob's kiddees laboring away in his nostril with a miner's hat and pick axe

JLRB said...

The threat of your bike throwing you to the ground and pegging you is yet another reason to apply copious amounts of lube to your seatpost

Unless of course its a crabon seatpost - in which case you apply crabon assembly paste , which adds friction - increasing the pain of the pegging - some Freds like it like that

dop said...

Snot Rocket Haiku:

You can pick your friends

Though you shouldn't pick their nose

Nor a nasal boil

babble on said...

Oh Leroy,
I'll take yer dog and his howling party mates over that arachnid any day. But she has been freed now, so I slept like a baby. Apparently the boy found a great spot a block or two away. I just hope she doesn't find her way into someone else's kitched cupboard.

No Early Tuesday Post said...

Pegging, gives new meaning to the "square peg, round hole" idiom.

BamaPhred said...

Never fear Babble. Haven't seen a spider yet that could withstand a good smack from a rolled up newspaper section. The f*&^(*g scorpion in the shower put up a good fight,however. I had to switch to whacking it with a sneaker.

Anonymous said...

We have all whacked one in the shower Bama. No need to explain. Clean up is a snap

BamaPhred, Time Wasting Edition said...

WAAAHHH, anon, I wouldn't need a sneaker for that! And no one made a wise crack about Snob riding exposed. On a brighter note, not one nasty comment was made about Annie the Courier. She seemed like a nice sort, and unkind comments would have just seemed, well, unkind.
I'm like going to totally miss the podium race

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

The One...758: "What, Hincapie didn't win again. Excuse me I meant BIG GEORGE. Retirement is no excuse."

Just finished watching Le Tour du Cobbles and Phil Liggett didn't mention Big George once, not once I tell you.

Anonymous said...

Great post! I snorted a couple of times, and I don’t even have a zit in my Danger Triangle.

For some great examples of purple prose, check out the wine reviews in Wine Advocate, Wine Spectator or Wine Enthusiast. One advantage cyclists have as wine tasters: We probably know what ”fresh road tar” actually tastes like.