Thursday, December 4, 2014

Sponsored Post: Fossil Fuels Are The Blood of Jesus!

("I read the news today, oy vey...")

Well, if nothing else, whether it's running people down with your car or simply executing them in public for the sheer fuck of it, New York City sure is a great place to kill.

But let's not dwell on all that right now.  Instead, let's celebrate life, and the casual risking of it in pursuit of fleeting Internet fame, local bragging rights, and relatively small amounts of money from multinational beverage conglomerates with annual revenues of almost US50 billion:

On an overcast 70-degree day in mid-October, about forty thrill-seeking bike messengers and cyclists sped off on an illegal bike race known as the alleycat, zig-zagging through traffic, running through red lights, and evading NYPD to compete for a hefty first place prize of $1,000 courtesy of the Coca-Cola Company, one of many sponsors. None of the competitors — mostly men on road and fixed gear bikes — knew where the 34-mile course would take them until the start of the race.

Not like I'm exactly crazy about the idea of people salmoning over the Willis Avenue Bridge, but to me the paltry purse offered by the Coca-Cola Company is by far the most egregious offense here.  I'd expect a measly grand from Chrome Industries or some other bunch of shants-wearers, but Coke?  They could have at least offered the winner some stock, for fuck's sake.

Then again, I'm not so sure this "collabo" was so good for Coke's bottom line:

Note that their stock price dips around mid-October, which is when the race took place.  Then it recovers during the following weeks, only to begin falling again yesterday which is exactly when the above video "dropped."

So is the alleycat scene in fact undermining the entire global economy?

Well, I'm not an economicalist, but clearly all indicators point to "yes."

("The economy is a seized cog, and low interest rates are the chainwhip."--Paul Krugman)

Anyway, my advice to the so-called cycling underground is this: next time a gigantic company wants to sponsor you, grab those fuckers by the balls and squeeze!  You're selling yourselves short with this penny-ante crap.  Tell them you want a purse of at least US$1 million, or else you'll expose how they're putting mind-control drugs in Dasani water.  (Fun fact: Dasani is rejected water deemed not sufficiently pure for the Coca-Cola bottling process.)

And people call me a sellout because I blog for an artisanal British bicycle saddle manufacturer?


By the way, have I mentioned that Brooks saddles are not only comfortable, but they also complement the aesthetic of your fine custom bicycle?

Sure, I've ruined it again with the dorky grips and corporate saddle bag, but still.

Also, I've got some jerseys for sale, just so you know:

I'm not selling out.  I'm selling in, baby!

Speaking of selling, the folding nerdists at Bike Friday have launched a Kickstarter campaign for a new cargo bike:

Not only that, but it's been funded more quickly than a multinational beverage corporation sues a lowly blogger for claiming that Dasani water contains 14% urine:

(Just looking at that makes me have to pee.)

And no, that's not true about the 14% urine.  The fact is that nobody is certain exaclty how much urine Dasani water contains.  According to Wikipedia, "Dasani uses tap water from local municipal water supplies," so presumably its urine content is dependent upon that of the respective municipalities' tap water.

You don't want the Cleveland batch is all I'm saying.

Anyway, back to the Bike Friday "Haul-a-Day" (which I would have called the "Smugtanic"):

(Leave your caucasian fleshtone expansion/contraction jokes in the comments below.)

Not that anyone cares what I think, but I wholeheartedly approve.  As a Big Dummy rider, my only real quibble with it is that it is a bit unwieldy at times:

So being able to truncate your smugness flotilla when you need to dock it in the ol' bike room or force your ungrateful child to shuttle you around for a change makes good sense to me.

Of course, as intrigued as I am, I completely forgot I saw one at the Philly Bike Expo until just now:

In my own defense, when you're in Philadelpha you only have two things on your mind: 1) cheese steak procurement; 2) your subsequent escape.  So I'm sure I missed a lot of nifty bike stuff.

Meanwhile, a far less inspiring Kickstarter campaign is this one, for the "B-Link Gear Bicycle Safety System:"

Basically, the inventor figured out he was more important than everyone else because he has a child:

("See this?  I'm the only person in the world who has one.")

So he came up with a set of "smart bike lights:"

So what is smart exactly about a yellow bicycle light?  Well, surely not the color, but it does automatically signal your turns when you input your route into your phone:

Which is great just as long as you NEVER DEVIATE FROM YOUR PRE-PLANNED ROUTE.

I mean really, you're riding a bicycle, not filing a flight plan with the FAA.  What happens when you suddenly decide to swing by so-and-so's house for some marijuana salad and a couple hits off the kale vaporizer?  You've got to stop and log a new route first?

Not only that, but it rats you out to mom when you get to where you're going:

And by way of obsessing over his family's movements, he's hired this guy and his creepy outline of a beard:

Presumably securing his services for the price of one (1) Scattante:

Best of all, let's say you get in a pretend crash with a Subaru:

In this case a timer starts:

And if you don't reset it within the allotted time it just assumes you've died, at which point it sends a still image of your final moments as well as a press release to your preset list of media contacts:

I feel safer already.

Lastly, here's some vintage velodrome porn:

The music, alas, is comtemporary.


Buffalo Bill said...

mmm delicious jesus blood

Vernal Magina said...


JB said...

S-Works Nut Sak

dop said...


dop said...


dop said...


il Pirata est Mort said...

Take out brain. Implant phone. Time to head to the next planet I think.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus #8

Anonymous said...

Zoom zip! Crescent fresh!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...



Grump said...

That alleycat race reminds me of a Saturday morning training ride that I used to be able to do until I became "Gravity Challenged".

grog said...

It's all about the love of riding crazy. Where's Recumbabe?

louis said...


Anonymous said...

Brooks is an artisanal bike manufacturer?

esmarolda said...


Joe K. said...

I for one can't wait for the S Works fat bike and cargo bike.

That's when you know the "trends" have jumped the shark.

I bet the guy in the Coca Cola lobby shining shoes gets more than $1000 for an hour and twenty minutes worth of work.

Anonymous said...

Epilepsy sucks. Fortunately it's only a major inconvenience sometimes and not debilitating all the time.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

I shudda placed betta !

I also should have rode in as the frikkin R D N traines were phucked up today.


BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:13pm,

Oops, in my haste left out the word "saddle." Thank you for the smug rhetorical question-styled correction. Hope you were able to discern my meaning anyway.

--Wildcat Machine

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Oh yeah, saw it the other night, 6th Ave + 9th Street in "the Slope man, yah..."

Artisan Grilled Cheese...

No more faith left.


Tooch said...

I'd think a cargo bike should be able to shrink the cargo half when not in use. That's where the extra size is. With this bike, it looks like you can only downsize the front half (plus the seat post and handlebars, but that's not a unique trick).

Yeah, the chain would be an issue if you retract the back half of the bike, but he's an inventor, he should be able to invent something

Anonymous said...

I nominate JB @12:32 for "icon of the week"

Anonymous said...

Kinda like assholes who drive a giant pickup truck around tight city streets, can't park for shit, and never haul or tow anything huh? :-)

Joe K. said...

A shaft driven rear-end could give you the extension you would need to carry a load and then shrink nicely afterward to not always get in the way.

Also, any extending cargo bike should consider a driveshaft that can extend.

6315 cargo bikes would be sold.

Joe K. said...


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the olde timey Veledrome stuff!


Spokey said...

uh top scranus?

teach me to go grocery shopping during the snobbie posting witching hour

robot is babbling about some docteurs ynback. What the hell is that? Some French chiropractor?

Anonymous said...

Still, DMV Commissioner Barbara Fiala has faced intense criticism after Hsi-Pei Liao publicized on Twitter the dismissal of the tickets in Ally's death. (The commissioner has also been criticized for getting a speeding ticket herself, shortly after her son was arrested for drunk driving after hitting a cyclist and fleeing the scene.) - See more at:

Spokey said...

recumbents can do that. I think it's an option on the ice adventure. I it's just a spring loaded idler wheel. I'd ask my brother but he spent all his money on stupid shit instead of something useful like that. Useful in that I'm 4 or 5 inches taller and it would be much nicer for 'borrowing' his trike

Anonymous said...

What the hell is a "reliabitity engineer"?

crosspalms said...

That Krugman knows what he's talking about.

The Bard of Avon said...

Is Martin Amis Klugman's ghost writer?

How I Love You My Dear Old Mammy said...

Titties haven't appeared on this blog in ages. I'm guessing that Al Gore said nevermore.

Spokey said...

krugman knowing what he's talking about?

perhaps. that would be a pleasant first.

as for coke, well babs did tell me to stop drinking that shit.

maybe i didn't catch snobbie's drift right, but i think the purse is not the problem. the salmoning is and i'd say arrest coke for criminal conspiracy. guess i should switch to some sort of organic cola like blue sky or something. except that shit is so expensive i'll have to cut down on the vodka and cokes.

McFly said...

Cal looks like he should be selling watches or phone covers from a kiosk in the mall.....with a really hot Israeli girl with long dark hair to lure you in.

Anonymous said...

"A shaft driven rear-end could give you the extension you would need to carry a load and then shrink nicely afterward to not always get in the way."

I'll take Things That Happen After The Kids Are Asleep for $600 Alex.

Spokey said...

Cal is the name of his t-shirt

Salah calls him Ahab. That kind of worries me.

robot endeavoured zedmco but i put that hunk or rust down.

dop said...


BRRrrrrrr said...

How "underground" can an event be with big-time corporate sponsors and the NYC Council Speaker attending? BTW, how does the Speaker participate in an illegal event?

caged MonkeyMan(person)(entity) said...

Easy. He was issued several tickets but the tickets were dismissed.

Anonymous said...

Lucas jumped the country for Guatemala. Update?

Bill Mohel said...

That pink folding bike is made out of foreskins. If you rub it, it gets bigger.

Freddy Murcks said...

My expandable flesh toned thingy occasionally causes a goofy tiller effect while steering.

JLRB said...

The lead paragraph links are enough to make me want to crawl up in a ball and avoid this fucked up world.

Peace to the families of the victims.

Del Boy said...

Dasani suffered a similar fate to Peckham Springs in the UK. Bottling tap water ain't luvly jubly if you get found out

Anonymous said...

Bike Friday's "Hannah Scholz"... or is it "Shoals"? Hahahaha! I made a funny!

babble on said...

OMG I never ever thought of vapourizing the kale! Yer soo clever, snobberdooder. :)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'm going to start a kickstarter campaign to raise money so i can buy one o'dem haul-a-days. they get my endorsement so long as you give me yours.

Anonymous said...

Speltzer Woerd said...



You fix please, yes?

the Jimboner said...

I am afraid that it is terribly lovely jubbly.

Anonymous said...

This isn't a "rhetorical question-styled correction", it's more of a belligerent interventionist-type denunciation.

That bike? It sucks.

The grips and saddle bag are fine, it's the overall conceptual design ethos that is a crime against humanity. It's a Frankenbike. The saddle, bars and frame set-up is a perfectly routine "urban hybrid" deal and quite inoffensive, but then you stick tractor wheels on it!?

And those forks! WTF is going on there? It looks like a triumph of form over function where the form suffered an accident at birth.

Rounding off the blasphemy is a mocking single speed drive!!!

I don't care if it's the sweetest ride ever that's perfectly suited to its application, it's as ugly as sin as must be destroyed. Scrap that affront to decency.

The jungle backdrop is quite fetching, on the other hand, but the snow needs to try harder.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, you're welcome. Always happy to help out.

crosspalms said...

anon 4:50 goes to the symphony:

"I hated everything about the concert except the conductor's bow tie."

rural 14 said...

I read the article in the West Side Spirit - "failure to yield" is the "culprit" in running down pedestrians.

I'm an outatowner for the last 30 years / but when i come to visit i remember that the culture of driving (and biking) in NYC is to accelerate through crosswalks immed, otherwise pedestrians will 'get in the way'.

A few times, when I've come in to NYC w my truck for work, and I yield to pedestrians as we must, here in Canada's Maple Syrup smuggling and competition state, maniacs in cars blast their horns at my stopped vehicle as I let the pedestrians cross. How about a better crossing system? And a campaign to promote yielding? Even though pedestrians do leap out into the street, in Jill Abramson's article - NY TIMES FORMER EDITOR - it seemed as if the cases discussed were reckless driving - which is a cultural phenomena as much as anything else. Change the culture - not with Zero Vision was it? but with the same huge marketing campaigns as used in subway cars / buses etc for both advertising and poetry / self promotion of the MTA...people talk about all those 3 things. Who can I call? PSAs - all those things could shift the terrible driving culture, along with some education of cab drivers and Uber etc drivers who likewise seem to be crappy.

Anonymous said...

Who's the sexy bearded woman in the alley cat video?

Olle Nilsson said...

I was all set to critique your brake lever set up, but I see you've got it dialed in to the correct 20 minutes past the 4 o'clock position. Carry on.

Anonymous said...

Damn, all out of caucasian fleshtone expansion/contraction jokes.

I suspect that Jesus wasn't around when plants and animals were being laid down to be compressed in order to form the wonderful fossil fuels we so enjoy today. But. If. He. Was. I'm sure he wouldn't mind shedding a little blood for the cause.

McFly said...

I can't mountain bike without Ergons. I tried. Wrists protested. Reinstalled Ergons.....bliss.

Anonymous said...

That velodrome music was painful.

Is there a pill for that said...

I've heard the Haulaway is erectically dysfunctional due to the top tube's massive contraction in winter and moisture saturation sagging problem in the summer. You've got about 3 days in the Spring and Fall to Haulurnutz around otherwise the damn thing's like trying to ride a wet noodle.

Freddy Murcks said...

Anonymous dipshit @4:50 - The reason for the tires is that Snob uses the bike for off road mountain bicycle cycling. And biking is not a fucking fashion show. Snob can set up his bike however the fuck he wants and he shouldn't have to take grief for dilrods like you.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:50pm,

Something else is bothering you and it's not the bike.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

glarg said...

another folding longtail cargo bike:

Xtracycle + Tern.

Nuttin 2 Sey said...

tree nuts

Yeah Cleveland! said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - When I am "accidentally" accidentally hit (again) it will be by a youngish person or an oldish person. When I am "accidentally" on purpose hit it will be by a hick in a pickup truck. On today's commute I hit (ha!) the daily double. A young girl paying more attention to her phone than her driving tried to sideswipe me. Luckily I was paying attention and was able to avoid her. Later an asshole in an oversized pickup truck initially tailgated me while honking his horn. Then he nearly hit me while passing, slammed on his brakes and yelled the requisite obscenities. Having no balls he then floored it and took off. All this whilst on a 5 lane road with a posted speed of 35 mph.
I hate people.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Please insert "rusted out POS" after oldish person and "driving a rusted out POS" after young girl.
Thank you.

Dooth said...

Just saw that alleycat video and holy moly was that Melissa Mark-Tommy-Vigorito, a major city official, endorsing scofflaws?

Smell my farts said...


caPt scrAnus said...

nuts and bolts

ce said...

Well, on Sunday I had several 20 oz pre-packaged bottles of water in my wildland fire pack and after drinking 5.7 quarts all I had left was my 17 oz stainless steel emergency bottle. There was a chance that the weather was going to come in and the helicopter wouldn't be able to get us out that afternoon so I thought it might be wise to start "refilling" my bottles. Sounds like a great idea on Discovery Channel, but when already dehydrated the reality was a pathetic dribble of dark orange liquid. If I mixed the amount I collected with my emergency bottle I would have been lucky to reach 14% urine content.

Love the Bike Friday by the way.

VIMAX said...

have to take grief for dilrods like you.

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JLRB said...

So Coca Cola went from Bill Cosby to Girl's covered in milk to this alley cat bullshit purse?

All I wanted was a Pepsi

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Gave my dog $5 for an instructional video on how to dominate next year's La Marqueta race.

Not sure about this.

dop said...

Hey JLRB, get a real pepsi

Nothing like Brittney when she's taking her meds

Spokey said...

here i'm up early, sipping me joe (not the potbelly kind) and no quiz.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Make sure you don't shart in your shants.

They should put another vintage velodrome in Coney Island!

Of course some douche on a "smart" phone will wander into it during the motor pace and get some Dick Power where it hurts!


Spokey said...

can't believe i let dop con me in to watch full 1/2 of that insipid tripe. maybe it's time to start quaffing the vodka straight.

dop said...

insipid tripe!?! Is that a thesaurus in your pocket or are tyou just glad to see me?

83 said...


84 said...


ocho cinqo said...


eighty-sixed said...


87 said...


olds 88 said...


javascript void said...


Spokey said...

be quiet.

i'm busy watching the commentariat count. if snobbie can't post the quiz at least i can try for the centurion.

90 said...


dop said...

let's settle this like men...with a pointless century sprint

Count of Sprint said...

is it safe?

93 said...


95 said...

95 in the shade

95 said...


Spokey said...


97 said...

getting there...damn echo

dop said...


dop said...


Spokey said...


Spokey said...

you win. congrats. it's still tripe.

dop said...

I think I got that

Spokey said...

you did bugger

Spokey said...

so where's the quiz. before all pandemonium breaks out here

dop said...

that's the magnanimity & sportsmanship for which cyclists and bloggers are renowned..

so where's the fucking quiz?

leroy said...

Today's quiz will be late today because:

A) my dog needs time to sell the answer key.
B) see A
C) see B
D) all of the above.

CommieCanuck said...

Nice vintage movie...but you just know they were all doping on McGillicuddy's nerve tonic and Cocaine Cola.

Anonymous said...

Krugman is an idiot.

Colm Barry said...

The US being the litigious society it is I wonder why Coca Cola engages in such "trifles" - after all, if one biker got run over by a HGV and the orphans sued Coke for half a billion, what then? The legal fees alone even if the case was thrown out would amount to a thousand years' purses and the bad publicity would give Pepsi a boon by announcing they just made a grant to make bicycle paths safer ...

Vlad said...

Hello bikesnobnyc! It's me, Vlad from Bucharest! Down here we use mountainbikes alot for moving about in the city, because aur streets ar full of holes, mud, sometimes small rivers, etc. So I really enjoyed your post on the brooks blog about mountain bicycling.
What I wanted to ask you is: do you ever use fenders on your mountain bike? I know you are a big proponent of fenders, but I noticed that you didn't have them on your ride. Didn't you get all dirty and muddy?
Happy holidays!

Anonymous said...

I do love your points here. Is anyone else seeing this constant repost for the NYBS jersey and hat etc? Yes, you must plug your gear. Sell sell sell, but wow is it ugly! Does the black and orange jersey come with a smart hat? Is it a joke? said...

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