Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Someone stole my Wednesday!

So I have this new kind of cellular telephone that also has a camera in it.  Not only is this handy, but it also usually works rather well.  For example, here's a photo I took at the zoo the other day of one monkey lovingly grooming another monkey's anus:


Notice the clarity.  You can almost taste the ass grubs!

However, as of late the camera is not focussing when either my subject or I are in motion.  For example, here's a salmon I attempted to photograph yesterday evening:


Here's a pedestrian walking in that very same bike lane:


And here's someone riding her bike on the sidewalk in front of the Film Forum:


Rest assured I was in pedestrian mode when I took that last one, having already docked my Citi Bike--which, I might add, was in especially lousy shape, even for a Citi Bike.  Not only did it refuse to stay in any one of its three (3) gears, but someone had also stolen the bell:


This was especially irritating, since as you can see from the blurry photos above it would have come in very handy, and it's a good thing I wear a cowbell in my pierced nipple or else I'd have had no audible warning system whatsoever--save for my own voice, but I'm saving that for my semi-GNAR at the Philly Bike Expo this Sunday.

And who the hell steals a bell off a Citi Bike anyway?  Presumably it's the same people who steal the pens off the chains at the bank branches, which is even more stupid since if you walk into a bank they'll just give you a fucking pen.  In fact, it's all you can do to visit a bank and not leave with a bunch of plastic promotional shit with their logo on it.

Anyway, despite not having a bell I lived to tell the tale, and also to recommend "Social Grooming" at the Film Forum, which is three and a half riveting hours of monkeys cleaning each other's anuses.

Speaking of stealing stuff, people also love to steal entire bikes, presumably so they have somewhere to mount all those purloined bells.  Usually when your bike gets stolen nobody gives a shit, but it's different when you're a member of The Media, in which case the theft of your bike is officially newsworthy.  Then you get to tell everybody a bunch of stuff they already knew anyway, like the fact that eBay is a fucking cesspool:


Which is not to say this situation isn't ridiculous, or that eBay shouldn't be getting some negative attention for this.  Basically, Wall Street Journal reporter, author, and Fred Reed Albergotti's custom-painted bike (complete with his name on it) got stolen, he found the frame on eBay, and eBay ain't doing shit about it:


Though the joke's really on the guy who bought it, since some rube in Texas is now riding around on a bike painted in the livery of a defunct New York City club team sponsored by a home furnishings boutique:


Though this is not to diminish the team's historical significance, because they truly ushered in the era of the over-equipped New York City Cat 4 Supersquad:


People scoff at the portly weekend warrior riding around in the rainbow stripes of the World Champion, but at least that jersey represents actual victory, whereas the used Jonathan Adler Racing bike you bought stolen off eBay represents little more than a bunch of pack finishes in Central Park and one sad, now-bikeless Fred.

It's almost as pathetic as wearing a hat with some bike blogger's logo on it:


Just kidding, I am the Eddy Merckx of bike bloggers.

Unfortunately, I'm this Eddy Merckx, not the one who was good at bike riding:


So I guess what I'm getting at is that you should buy a hat.

And Mr. Albergotti wasn't the only media luminary to fall victim to bike theft recently, for Jonathan Maus of BikePortland was also groped by the sticky fingers of fate--though he managed to get his bike back:


This morning I did something really dumb. I left my bike unlocked and unattended on SW 4th Avenue for several hours without realizing it was even there. And, not surprisingly, it was stolen. OK, now that I shared that very embarrassing fact, here’s what’s happened since…

He should not be embarrassed.  It's not like he locked the bike poorly; he just plain forgot what he was doing.  Years ago I might have laughed at him for this, but I'm a parent now, so not anymore.  The truth is that parenting fries your brain worse than drugs.  For example, at least once a day I head purposefully down to my basement, stand around for a few minutes wondering what the fuck I'm doing down there, and finally head back upstairs again confused and ashamed.  So basically, either there are aliens living in my basement who regularly probe me and then erase my brain, or else I can't remember shit.  Really, Maus's little brainfart is mild by parenting standards.

Anyway, Maus eventually found his bike under a highway overpass in some sort of hobo encampment, which sounds about right for Portland:


And Maus's previous impression of hobo encampments as utopian idylls is now forever shattered:

On my way back south on the Esplanade (now ghost riding a bike), I rolled by those encampments at SE Salmon again. I thought it was very telling how many heads popped up and out of tents to stare at me now that I was carrying another bike — because the previous time I rolled through, no one noticed me at all. I started a conversation with two people who were disassembling a Raleigh singlespeed. (Keep in mind there are parts and bike frames everywhere.) I asked if this was some kind of bike shop. One woman was very interested in me. As if she thought I might be there to sell her the bike I was carrying. “You want to drop something off?” she asked.

I have always given these encampments the benefit of the doubt in terms of whether or not they were trafficking in stolen bikes. But after my conversation and experience today, that’s no longer the case. I am convinced there are active bicycle theft operations happening in broad daylight in Portland. It’s really absurd that more isn’t being done about it.

Though it's still safe to say that, as far as integrity is concerned, you should still hold them in higher regard than eBay.

Lastly, a reader has sent me this photo of an artisanal shovel-based filth prophylactic, spotted in Greenpernt, Brooklyn:


Nice, but if you were to mount that concave side up you could also carry a passenger in a pinch.

72 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Fasted mouse clicker east of the Mississippi.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Worst speller.

Joe K. said...

3?

Anonymous said...

Two claws up!

P. Bateman said...

podi...ummmm? no. mutha fucka.

shining trapezoid said...

top ten

bk said...

top ten!

Anonymous said...

ganja

Anonymous said...

��

McFly said...

I live to smell the tale.

dcee604 said...

What's up!

P. Bateman said...

it is indeed rather convexing as to why that shovel is not the other way around.

by the way, America's wang did not pass amendment 2 so for me, today is not Weednesday. its just regular wednesday. which as it turns out, ain't so bad.

ken e. said...

zzzz, got nothin.

Anonymous said...

I purchased one of my bikes off of Ebay, from a guy who seemed pretty legit. bike arrived as advertised and all went well. so not a complete cesspool. also a good place to purchase bike parts for older bikes.

Comment deleted said...

E Pluribus Scrotum.

Joe K. said...

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape now politically.

Open your eyes,
Look hard at these guys and see,
I'm just a farmer; I want to make them squeal,
Because I'm easy come, easy vote,
Little right, lotta no,
Anyway the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, elect me.

Obama, just killed us man,
This wasted chance to make,
Some changes in our states,.
Obama, we were almost there,
But now they've gone and thrown it all away.

Obama, ooh,
That was the Republican battle cry,
But if civics taught me nothing else it’s to
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really happened.

Too late, his time has come,
Sent shivers down my spine,
Making missteps all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, he’s got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

Obama, ooh (anyway the wind blows),
I don't wanna lie,
I sometimes wish I'd never voted for you at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scary Douche, Scary Douche, will you suppress voters?
Rove, Big Biz and Koch Bros,
Very, very frightening me.
(Mitch McConnell) Mitch McConnell.
(Mitch McConnell) Mitch McConnell,
Mitch McConnell in Kentucky
Damnit All.

No Pol is just a poor boy, nobody loves them.
They’re all just a rich asshats from rich families,
Building up crap to scare us to vote for them.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me vote?
The Kochs say! No, we will not let you vote. (Let him vote!)
The Kochs say! We will not let you vote. (Let him vote!)
The Kochs say! We will not let you vote. (Let him vote!)
Will not let you vote. (Let him vote!)
Never, never let you vote
Never let me vote, oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Obama see ya, Obama see ya (Obama see they won’t let me vote.)
Pelosi said she’s got a Super PAC put aside for me, for me, for me.

So you think you can phone me and change my mind?
So you think you can scare me and to think that we’ll all die?
Oh, Purdue, can't do that to me, Perdue,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out to vote.

(Oh, yeah, oh yeah)

Nothing really changes,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really changes,
Nothing really changes for me.

Anyway the wind blows.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Nodio.

My office moved across the street. I hope my Olmo doesn't get broken down by little Jawas or Sand People (that's a Star Wars reference by the way).

Portlandblogger looks at the valley of the bike damned (preumably dressed as Obi-Wan) and said "Never before has there been a more wretched hive of scum and villany".

Back to your regularly scheduled kvetching.
Cue the Canteena music (now try to get it out of your head!).

I won the inbound Cat 6s today!!

vsk
and terpitc

Anonymous said...

Ebay I doubt has any kind of enforcement bureau on the street to go and assess claims of thievery. Though every time I have pointed out an item for sale that was questionable for various reasons, it has been removed. I have bought many things and sold many things on ebay. Is there a pile of stolen shit on there? Why would there not be? If I stole a racing bike on the street would I strip all its parts and sell them separately on ebay and make cash from the deal? Hell yes. Would that make me a moral slimeball? Is the fact of rampant moral slimeballism in the world ebay’s fault?

I will certainly not express any further sentiments here about global earth science. And my dismay was not that cyclists could be stupid. Cyclists have proven that they can be dumb asses time and time again. My dismay was expressed at the “bicycle blog readers” which I mistakenly held to a higher intellectual standard. BSNYC no doubt did a spit take at my foolishness. I recant my dismay.

And thanks Spokey for the Naked Cyclist link. It was both distracting and frightening in one package.

And my ass is still sore from election night.

JLRB said...

This post is all too close to home ...yesterday I went to unlock my bike (in the garage of the building where I "work") and found that I had not locked it. Lucky for me nobody noticed and took off with it.

AND it took me three trips upstairs last night to finally do what I went up there to do. Parenthood

Anonymous said...

Yeah but remember, we can't count down here anyway. There's still hope!

Anonymous said...

eBay fencing stolen property? Shazam, who knew? Sweet baby Jeebus.

JB said...

Snob, I'd rather ride on the convex side of the shovel blade. No?

Anonymous said...

Snobby. I won't be attending your Philly Bike session since you are appearing at the same time as 6 women talking about how women should dress for bike riding. In fact, I'm already in line. This is assuming they will allow lecherous middle aged men attend.

Gotta do better than free hats to top that.

JLRB said...

SO what will the R's do with both House and Senate? Actually pass bills? Expose their true motives in time for the next election?

meet the new boss - same as the old boss

flank_steak said...

#1 Reed Albergotti is a douche.

I mean that like "I have worked with the guy in the distant past and it was not a good experience in any way."

###
That must be some kind of idyllic living in Portland if he's just discovered what people do on the periphery of society. It reads like he went to a zoo.

Anonymous said...

From the "automatically generated" transcript on the WSJ video site:

"our doubly SJ reporter Reed Albergotti not well he found his scaly body up for sale on e Bay ... "

Anonymous said...

on the shovel-fender bike, the cast-iron tractor seat is an additional bonus

PRE-DELETION BY CONTENTED CURATIONIST

wle

dnk said...

Potbelly Joe,

that was epic

il Pirata est Mort said...

How to turn a face plant into a date with a guillotine? Stick a shovel, sharp side up, in your bike frame.

Anonymous said...

Compare and contrast to whiny WSJ guy, who wants someone else to get his bike back. Mr BikePortland has huge brass nads in reclaiming his bike. That walk he took through the fence and under the railroad was pretty high risk, and he took pictures! I'm impressed.

Anonymous said...

Potbelly Joe, Comment of the Week.

Well done, Sir.

Alias Bob said...

In the past, Portland police have went to homeless camps and run the serial numbers and every single one has come back clean. There are numerous bike collectives that give away free bikes to homeless people, college students abandon mountains of bikes after they graduate (a.k.a. "Hippy Christmas"), in Albuquerque the bike collective arranged to pick up thousands of bikes (including Kleins, and Cannondales, etc) from the landfill, and even hundreds of bikes which were left on the bus racks and never claimed after weeks in storage. Some people actually feel sorry for homeless people and give them their unused bikes from their stable. Yes, some homeless types may steal bikes, but given the fact they can get so many other bikes hassle-free, it is likely that professionals and gangs who make enough to afford rent and are far more responsible for most bike thefts.

babble on said...

Orrrrr you could shovel some shit with it!

babble on said...

That's what shovels are for, right?!

Locked Bike Owner said...

Man, no love for a dude who's bike got stolen!? Tough crowd.

Olle Nilsson said...

Stuart, is there a high percentage of bike serial #s registered with the police in Portland? I mean it's Portland, so probably right? Any other city and that would be a meaningless result.

6 women said...

Anon 1:56 - prepare for disappointment

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ah election time

babble on said...

The sleepless nights of those early days with a wee babe causes permanent brain damage. In the UK, they call it nappy brain.

Probably translates nicely to shit for brains. So you never know... a shovel might just come in handy.

JLRB said...

some people look better blurry

Spokey said...

interesting that his san fran pole-eeze won't help. they are listed on the National Bike Registry.

As opposed to around here. Neither my town nor any surrounding towns are on it. I sent an email to the mayor and police chief a couple years ago. That didn't even warrant a fuck off response. Neither one responded.

Mayor McCheese said...

Spokey - Fuck Off

Sincerely,

Your Mayor

Anonymous said...

In addition to the tractor seat and shovel, how about that chain used to lock up with? They could just drag it behind the bike to trigger those pesky traffic signals.......

JB said...

Weird, the facingbook site of my neighborhood just posted a list of the biking cycles that the city has collected and are waiting to be claimed at Citying Hall. There's a "Cannondale mtn. bike, red with yellow writing" (vintage!?). Is it wrong that I want to claim it? for safe keeping, of course.

Richard Breaks said...

Yummy. I love ass grubs.

Spokey said...

why mayor

thanks for getting back to me. after 3 1/2 years i had begun to think you were ignoring me.

i've been keeping up with the town's new Complete Streets effort. although it's early in the program, i have noticed that some bike lanes are now gone so the streets will indeed be complete. for autos at least.

But if I could humbly make a suggestion. Leave some of the bike lanes. But paint bullseyes in place of current bicycle silhouettes. that would just put a little spark of joy on a tired commuter's face.

David Pearce said...

Dear Snob,

Which nipple is it? The one with the cow bell, I mean?

One of the few thing good things about today, besides the electioneering being over for a week, is that today is Guy "Guido" Fawkes Day.

Anyone care to join me in putting 36 barrels of gunpowder under the Capitol, to help start the new session off with a bang this coming January? (Ok, only kidding, but only partly.)

And I guess we'll get a few good laughs out of Mia Love and especially Joni "Castrator-in-Chief" Ernst, but for my part, I'm investing in athletic cups, and if my gonads ever descend out of my body again, after squealing and retreating like the piglets they are deep into my inner recesses, you know I'll be wearing one!

Alluding back to Monday, Timothy Hutton was in this movie Turk that you say was bad. Fair enough, I haven't seen it.

But he was also in a movie that I have and love, The Falcon and the Snowman and I think he was very good in it, along with Sean Penn, and the movie was pretty great, IMHO. And Christopher Boyce, Hutton's character, had a falcon named...........anybody?



Fawkes.

And of course Daulton Lee and Chris Boyce have now been released from prison, and Chris married his jailhouse advocate Cait, so it's all interesting.

And I met an older Australian in Martin's Tavern, (D.C.) a couple of weeks ago, sitting in the Nixon Booth. I happened to be in the JFK "Rumble Seat" [1/2] Booth", being a single diner as I am.

And I remembered that old newspaper photo of Australian PM Whitlam visiting Nixon in 1972 or -3 (that's in the movie).

So I asked this guy, what were his memories of Australia's "Constitutional Crisis", and was Whitlam sacked by the Governor-General under pressure from the CIA? My Australian visitor may have been an arch Conservative, opposed to Whitlam's Labor Party, but he said Whitlam was sacked because of financial mismanagement, not the CIA, and, not only that, but dammit, he was bloody happy the right bastard was sacked, too.

Well, the debate rages on. I think the stories of The Falcon and The Snowman are very interesting today, in the wake of the NSA & CIA allegations, and Snowden, and all the rest.

Angry Beaver in Mirimichi said...

Will the six women demonstrate the proper way to put a kit on?

Freddy Murcks said...

Is it really stealing if someone takes a bike that's left unattended on the street without a lock? In my neighborhood, leaving stuff unsecured on the street is how we recycle shit. E.g., we got a new microwave so we left the old on on the curb where it stayed for approximately 30 seconds before someone saw it and said "Sweet! Free microwave." and took it. I am generally an honest guy, but if I saw an unlocked bike sitting out on the street I might be inclined to say "Sweet! Free bike."

Freddy Murcks said...

By the way, was that a hobo camp or an artisanal outdoor living site? I only ask because it's Portland.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Personally, I like to sprinkle my ass grubs with a little truffle salt from Williams-Sonoma. It really makes the flavor POP.

McFly said...

MORETANYARIVEROORIMAFOOKINKILLYA!

David Pearce said...

Snob,

From Monday:

1. How dare you badmouth the IBM Selectric, one of the greatest typewriters of all time. With the greatest respect, may I add, a hearty "Fuck You!", and also "Happy Thanksgiving!" I have a Correcting Selectric, to protect me from the filthy rookers of the NSA. It is the apotheosis of all electro-mechanical typewriters, mine c. 1979. I also have an IBM by Lexmark Wheelwriter, c. 1982, the dawn of the typewriter meshed with the beginning of computer-age "codes", for bold typing, or auto return, and spelling help, etc., etc. I also proudly own and use the Olivetti manual typewriter, the one in the ad where the guy typing the next Great American Novel looks over his shoulder from his Eames Chair, and says to his significant other, "As long as you're up, get me a Grant's". And I also have an Olivetti Lettera 66 electric, which although it comes with a "portable" case with a handle, is both annoyingly loud and incredibly heavy and unportable. So Fie, Sir, I say Fie unto you!

2. Second, you put no [sic] behind Denis Hamil's quote (they were actually so poor, they couldn't even afford two "L's") At the next red light, I typed “Gracie Mansion” into my GPS. Soon I was crossing the Triborough Bridge, jolting the FDR south, when he obviously meant "joining" and not "jolting", even though the typo appeared in his very own story in the birdcage liner otherwise referred to as the New York Daily News.

David Pearce said...

Snob,

Really, it's all so obvious now, I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.

Please send postcard from Gran Fondo Camp soonest when you arrive.

Arbeit Macht Frei!

wishiwasmerckx said...

"That" Eddy Merckx beat Nikos Polychronopolous for the 2006 billiards world championship.

Anonymous said...

Scranus

Spokey said...

David Pearce

that orange crown on my head is a correction ribbon spool from a selectric of that era. Don't exactly remember whether it was the take up spool or the original one. Seems to me that one of them had a thing on top to allow you to turn and tighten it and this was the other side. but maybe the turnee thing was a cap or something and not part of the spool. I would think I took the original spool after the correction ribbon was all used up but again don't exactly remember. I have had the crown for about 35 years.

I do remember the golf balls better. Kind of cool the way they spun around and the little lever on top to release the catch that held the ball to the spindle piece.

But I like the manuals better. I have an Underwood from the 30s (aunt bess') and a Remington from the 40s (mom's) that are great. have some fixin' that i need to get around to on the remington. the plate that holds the spring piece that returns the platen came off but I think the underwood is ok.

Vlad said...

Dear Bikesnobnyc,
It is I, Vlad from Bucharest.
I don't know if you are aware of this, but between the lines of your caustic and hilarious posts, a distant Internet tourist like myself can see many other things. I see, for example, someone who is lovesick for his home town. It is also my case, with Bucharest, I think (though I may be mistaken) that we are both in a dysfunctional but intense relationship with our cities, like wives abused by their husbands but who still love them after all. Except we don't try to find excuses for the way our respective urban agglomerations are raping us when they come home drunk which is 8 days a week.

I found an image that dates from your childhood and wanted to ask you if perhaps this is actually your self or, if it's not, if it could be.

http://lightbox.time.com/2014/11/05/vintage-new-york-eccentric-coney-island/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+time%2Fphotoessays+%28TIME%3A+Top+Photoessays%29#12

Have a nice day!

Vlad

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JLRB said...

AnonyhaterofAmerican Women

Go fuck yourself. You sound like you would like a nice submissive women bought at a slave auction.

Sincerely,

Me

JLRB said...

I on the other hand have decided that I HATE installing fenders.

Sincerely,

Me

Anonymous said...

Snob, quick fix for the shitty cellcam focus is a sharp rap or two against the desk. Or handlebars. Dust inside sticks up the works.

Spokey said...

was going to respond to asshole point by point in my case but decided that would make me an idiot as well.



robot sez could auseudh but i think he's being too kind to the asshole

dop said...

David-

I think jolting was the word Denis (rhymes with penis) wanted. He obviously gets road woodies & is so horny he'd fuck a crack in the pavement

Spokey said...

i don't find installing fenders a problem.

however when i removed them because they were clogged with mud going down the C&O last year, i never put them back on. Both front and rear racks have solid horizontal platforms. I guess that helps. I find I don't seem to need them. Course I also try to avoid riding in the rain. Like today, i think i'll pass and if i go anywhere will take that camry that can cruise control at 25mph even if i may die with those drum breaks.

Dick Breaks said...

JLRB - I think you and I and everybody else knows that the thing that AnonyhaterofAmerican Women is really looking for is to get ass raped by an angry samoan. His "I hate American Women becuase they're too uppity" schtick is just a thin veil intended to try an conceal his male rape fantasies.

JLRB said...

Spokey - I have only installed one set of fenders before, and it went OK. This set came with the lamest instructions, extra parts that don't go anywhere, AND I am running into front fork crown clearance issues. Looks like I may have to downsize the tires. OR I need to drink more (or less) beer while attempting the install.

Spokey said...

disagree

drink more beer although IMHO scotch works better. Although your vision becomes blurred, it eventually has you seeing double which improves your ability to do fine work.

You have heard that two eyes are better than one. Haven't you?

But as an added bonus when you gaze upon the fenders with that double vision and see the second set of fenders, put that second set aside for another bike.


Alexander comphif proves i am a robot

agentdetroit said...

got a call at the shop from someone who's $3k shinola bike was stolen while they were at yoga class. do i really need to elaborate?…

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