Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Cycling: Who Has The Time?

Did you know that long before people with beards made self-aggrandizing videos of their cycling exploits, people with beards made self-aggrandizing videos of their cycling exploits?

The difference, however, is that people went bigger back then--and I'm not just talking about the helments:

I'm also talking about the routes:

Sure, it was a little easier back then since the continents were slightly closer together in 1980 due to continental drift.   Still, that's a whopping 45,000 miles:

Which took them six and a half years to complete:

That is one long-ass vacation.  Indeed, to put it in contemporary terms, imagine how lost you'd be if you set out on an around-the-world journey in the spring of 2007 and returned to America today.  First of all, when you left phones looked like this:

And now they look like this:

("It has no buttons!  Do I need an implant in my brain?!?  Burn it!!!")

Also, the top-grossing movie when you left would have been "Spider-Man 3"

But you'd return to find the pop-cultural landscape completely transformed, thanks to innovative blockbusters such as "The Amazing Spider-Man 2:"

("Dear God!  They're back to 2 now?  Did the Universe collapse on itself?!?")

You also would have missed the whole economic meltdown, including that unfortunate period towards the end of 2008 when we had to eat our fellow humans to survive:

But please don't bring it up, because we've all agreed not to talk about it.

So it's pretty hard to imagine anyone checking out for six and a half years today, given that most of us now avoid going anywhere for more than a few days lest we have to catch up on all that streaming TV we've missed.

Those episodes of "Orange Is The New Girls" aren't going to watch themselves.

Yes, time moves inexorably forward--as does technological innovation, and here's a pitch I recently received for a new product:

I want to introduce you to perhaps one of the most unique products you will ever come across. 

I doubt it, but I'm listening...

Our company’s name is HappySacs, and we make a product that was designed to eliminate public displays of adjustment (PDA).  What I mean by that is men have scrotums.  Scrotums cause a ridiculous amount of discomfort.  And because of that discomfort men seem to think it is okay to adjust themselves in public.

A "ridiculous amount of discomfort?"  Really?  Are men dropping to their knees and plaintively wailing, "Will this nutsack-induced agony never cease?!?"  I mean sure, there's occasional discomfort down there, but of what body part is that not true?  My arm fell asleep the other day, but I wouldn't say limbs cause me a ridiculous amount of discomfort.  So just because these people have freakish mutant "pants yabbies" doesn't mean they should try to pass it off as some curse of the human condition.

As for the reason men "seem to think it is "okay to adjust themselves in public," it's simply because men are assholes and think other people are interested in their balls--to wit, sending total strangers marketing emails about them.

I read on:

We have gone through many designs, and our final design will be finished in the next 30 days.  I would love to send a sample in the coming weeks so you can see the product for yourself. 

Yeah, please don't send me any painstakingly-designed testicular products, regardless of how positively "scrotastic" you think they may be:

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.  We will be launching a Kickstarter campaign the first week in December...

Of course you are.

Still, despite myself, I checked out their website, and this is their big breakthrough:

So keeping your nuts in a baby sock is what passes for innovation these days?

This country's in worse shape than I thought.

Not to mention I've already got a similar accessory, though I only wear it on special occasions:

Then I opened my next email, which was another product pitch making an incorrect assumption about me, this one for some kind of morning energy crap:

I wanted to reach out because I believe we have similar audiences and could create a mutually beneficial partnership. Similar to you, I want people to be healthy, the best versions of themselves.  

No.  People trying to be "the best versions of themselves" is exactly the problem.  It's why cycling is full of weenies.  If anything I want people to embrace just how badly they suck.

[And yes, I realize I'm projecting my own suckiness onto others in the same way the baby sock people are projecting their genital problems onto me, but I'm a solipsist so I win.]

Maybe people would lower their sporting ambitions if the Tour de France gets shortened:

“Nothing is untouchable,” he Spanish newspaper AS reported him as saying. “We want to plan for a better sport, in that the best riders compete in the best races. With the current structure of three Grand Tours of three weeks it is impossible. We have too many races and days of competition in a lengthy calendar, which requires a significant financial strain. The sport of cycling isn’t simple. We are looking for adequate solutions.”

It's true, nine weeks of Grand Tours every year is almost as absurd as a six-and-a-half year bike vacation.

I say shorten the Giro, the Tour, and the Vuelta to one week each, run them consecutively in July, and be done with it.


Anonymous said...

podiation for 2d?

Anonymous said...


Visegripmikey said...

I am 1st, 2nd and 3rd too, because I am a part of you!

BigRedClydesdale said...

I'm sorry, was that Jesus or Chuck Norris riding that bike?

Anonymous said...

happy sack = the poor man's kuku penthouse

Anonymous said...

I have a beard... Maybe i should finaly invest in a camera.

semi serious cyclist said...

blisteringly early scathe. top ten methinks

semi serious cyclist said...

But I'm sorry- you clicked on 'The Happy Sack". If it were a hundred dollar a square yard of softshell and provided aerodynamic efficiencies, they might have something.. Surely a ligther version of crabon fibre empregnated anti-stench v2.1 will be forthcoming.

bad boy of the north said...

wow.... another early morn.top ten.make sure you don't confuse happy sacs with hacky sacks.

semi serious cyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It's 8 degrees American here so I drove the car I own to work.

babble on said...

RCT - Yeah, the Weather Underground told me that there is a snowfall warning for Tennessee and a hard frost warning in Florida. You might just as well give in and move to Canada.

45,000 miles- that's not a vacation, that's a whole stage of life! I would do it in a heartbeat, though. Well, in a billion heartbeats. Now that I am old it just doesn't beat as fast anymore...

Go Pro said...

The makers of The Happysac should be 'Hot Karled' with their own product.

JB said...

Is Happy Sac an SNL skit? "That's delicious bass!"

Scrotal unpleasantness has already been solved.

Joe K. said...

This sisyphean sissifying of cycling will not stand!

It will sit quietly and play with its ball sack sack until it is happy.

Spokey said...


got up early today and rewarded by being in the top 186282

this blog sure provides Catharism Ratcohoc

Anonymous said...

@BSNYC, thank you for including the happy sacs website. It gave me great pleasure to sign my boss up (unbeknownst to him) to receive updates about their kickstarter campaign. (Fool actually think i work! Ill show him...!)

Spokey said...

that "modern" cell phone sure looks like that original motorola droid (A855). I got mine closer to 2007 than 2014. how about something like this instead?

Spokey said...

what's wrong with men making an adjustment in public to turn their sad sacs in to happy sacs?

A bunch of sexists I say.

besides, wimmin have those boobie sacs and they still adjust themselves in public. would happy sacs work any better?

I sometimes adjust the tongue on my shoe in public because I like to keep it nice and straight. should I start a kick starter for Happy Toe Bags?

and where is McFly on all this?

McFly said...

Who among us would not love to send a sample in the coming weeks? I ask you.

Freddy Murcks said...

Happysacs is a painstakingly designed after-market KuKu Penthouse. It's marketed towards people too smart to buy $500 bike shorts but who are too stupid to buy shorts that fit properly enough to control the pants yabbies. That's a niche market if there ever was one. They will probably literally sell tens of them.

Freddy Murcks said...

By the way, since the Hapysacs looks like nothing more than a teabag for your teabag, I find it funny that they claims to have gone through many designs.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Dang early risers !!


Anonymous said...

Ms. Babble, I am sure your heart supplies the appropriate amount of output!

Buffalo got slammed!! Hard to tell where the Canada ends and the south of the Canada Border starts.

I am sure they all need ski equipped fatbykes by now !!

vsk 147

McFly said...

I will patiently wait for Lance Armstrong Designer Series thank you very much. 1/2 the material = 1/2 the cost. Plus I am smallish so it should still fit.

Anonymous said...

While it is hard to tell whether you are just being "ironic" I am taking issue with today's rant.
How could you possibly not just put your hand over your heart and pledge allegiance to the bearded 6.5 year bike tour? I'd like to see you track these guys down for some follow up? What do you do with a life after?
Also, your urban hipster is showing with your attitude (yeah you got a bad attitude), about the grand tours. The three nonstop months of cycling in the old country afford many of us freds a chance to dream if not to spend our fortunes just to taste. Revel in the greatness of our sport, don't belittle it!

JLRB said...

Interesting retrospective - Other side of the coin - if I leave now on an epic 61/2 year ride, what will 'Merica look like when I return?
(and how many gels and bananas will I need?)

Drock said...

What will I read during the kids nap time today now that I have finished reading today's post, I know I'll check back to see if snob jersey is in blue yet. Here's a poor mans trick you won't see on that kick start thing, apply duct tape to outside of cycling shoes then put those cover over the top. At 10 degrees last night my feet kept warm. Down the middle you dumb ass dog handler, or the lack of handling. How may dog hits does it take before I have to true my wheel, I've started handing out leashes to those who feel the law doesn't apply to them. Next is firecrackers.

RoadQueen said...

Nice nut sack. You'd need a wool one this time of year, though.

So I have questions about the Happy Sack. (I bet that 6.5 year vacation guy would have loved one of those babies).

This seems like an ok concept when they boyz are hanging and swinging, but what happens during a cold retreat? Does that sack stay on, or will it become an unmanned vessel in the shorts, thus causing even more discomfort?

Can it be used in conjunction with the Kuku Penthouse? If you get an erection, will your comfy boner pull the sack off your nutz?

Lucy, you got some 'splainin to do.

Anonymous said...

My wife keeps my balls in a lock box. I'll ask her if they need to be put into the aforementioned satchel.

Anonymous said...

I think Canada must have bought the rectangular states last week because there are no degrees outside, I swept snow from the sidewalk and everyone's wearing toques.

Mum said...

We are not amused.

Flyover BC said...

My cell phone looks like the 2007 version. Have I been in technological purgatory for the last six years?


crosspalms said...

Took the bus today and still could have used some of those Happy Toe Bags.

Hee Haw the Barista said...

What gauge is that rail specific bicycle, and, more importantly, where do I buy one?

jodphoto said...


I confess I have used an unmatched sock for a happy sack. It's warmer, holds the entire ensemble, enhances the profile and doesn't have a drawstring to cut off what little circulation makes it through the scranus.

Also, why would a bicycle tour around the world result in your being out of touch with cultural and technological advances?

babble on said...

Yesterday's "If at first you don't secede, try try again" comment wins my vote for COD, and hey! Looks like you made it!

vsk - I can't actually feel it slowing, and it sure seems to go all out on those long rides, but that's what they say, anyway.

Queenie? I love the way you think things through. You know what the Canadian solution to cold temperatures is? When people are faced with the possibility of hypothermia, we are told to get naked and under the covers with someone else. Seriously. You should try it.

Works. Every. Time.

Daniel said...

For one without the mentioned 'parts', you have asked the good 'hard' questions.

Anonymous said...

Issue the HappySac to every player in MLB.

leroy said...

Oh great.

Today is going to be an endless stream of caustic asides from my dog about the indignity of having his gear fixed.

Thanks for nothing Happy Sac.

(That's what he said.)

grog said...

Why stop with happy sack? Let's have the shaft shirt, the head helment, the individual ball-bag, and of course customized fashionable accessories.
And where's Recumbabe these days?

Anonymous said...

You're so solipsist.

RoadQueen said...

Babble - one of my favorite pastimes. :) Hey, maybe I'm Canadian and don't know it?!

RoadQueen said...

David - I'm a good student with a mind for details and analysis.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...hey, wait a minute, there are flip phones right now!??!!! technology sure goes fast... and i haven't even gone on vacation yet.

RoadQueen said...

Saddle Up, Cowboy

Pants Yabbies Protective Yarn

Anonymous said...

Happysacs, weird. Cold as ass here today, going to be a rough ride home but better than the subway, with the naked guys, wilding young ladies and Ebola that is if you don't get pushed in front of the train before you get on it. Just another week underground in NYC.

McFly said...

Is the HappySac compatable with my CockSock(tm)? Can it be retro-fitted? Colorways? Etc?

DB FTW. I know that feel, bro.

dop said...

that happy sack guy is such a good salesman, he could sell could sell nutsacks in BALBEG

Spokey said...

leroy @12:14 PM

caustic asides from my dog about the indignity of having his gear fixed.

so you're saying the mutt is a fixie? does he know he passé?

Anonymous said...

shorten the tour? what would be -- all commercials, no cycling?

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

A nony mous at 12:47pm

I am undoing all my warmer weather "improvements". Subway train and "'Spress Bus" yesterday, subway train and "'Spress Bus" today. Was not ready for the lack of so many degreezes plus the fucktonnes (US) of north wind. Would have definitely pushed me backwards!
No salad, big fat Subway Sammich and a vat of non-bloomberg approved soda.

I do take the D train and watch out for pushy pushers.

Hibernation time.

vsk 320

Anonymous said...

What's maybe better than shortening these races? How about removing all the cheating stupid silliness.

1904 Cadardi said...

That's what a cycling specific webtacular blog is all about: reading about ball snoods!

If Kenny will let me be so bold. Comedy gold, Snob, comedy gold.

Anonymous said...

Wonder what Tilford has been up to lately?

Stup Id Sac said...


Anonymous said...

I'd like a retro wool King of the Mountains Happy Sack. Keep 'me warm, camouflage the genital warts.

Anonymous said...

Patent Pending the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Matt said...

You could go to hot new destination Des Moines and newly-elected Senator Joni Ernst could hack those yabbies right off and save you having to buy the Happy Sack. Though you might want one to carry them around in so you show them to friends and acquaintances.

CommieCanuck said...

How are these guys chafing their scrotum? What are they doing? Why don't they make them for women? Sexist pigs.

CommieCanuck said...

BTW..too small.

We use these up here.

I have ~1200 of them in my basement.

bad boy of the north said...

commie canuck....too funny!fell off my chair.

babble on said...

LOL! That's a fuckload of monster yabbies you've got going on in yer pants... er... basement, Commie!

CommieCanuck said...

Reduce, reuse, recycle.

Anonymous said...

ABD, the nut bra

Anonymous said...

Commie, 3:05, Photo of the Day

leroy said...

Oh, so that's why they're called the Crown Jewels.

Thank you Mr. CommieCanuck.

Anthony Keidis said...

I'm fucken suing. We rocked these in the 90s.

Olle Nilsson said...

Ah 1980, before the invention of the razor. Bearded men were just called men. Bearded East German athletes were a whole nuther story.

Anonymous said...

Whatz so new about a junk sack anyway

JLRB said...

AK and Bama Phred - I can't unsee that

JLRB said...

45,000 miles in 6.5 years? True Fred's would be using kilometers. AND 19 miles a day = slackers.

crosspalms said...

From ilovecharts, the lazy person's Strava.

Spokey said...

that sure looks like some biology class presentation of the fertilization process. Either that or a woody allen movie from when he was funny

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I don't think I have the balls to wear a Happy Sac. Is it 100% Frumunda cheese cloth?

McFly said...

RQ did you help your man pick that out and do the whole seamstress thing? After a lengthy assessment of course.

Anonymous said...

You can pry my happy sacs off of my cold, dead scrotum.

Anonymous said...

wow, your idea regarding the giro, tour and vuelta actually makes sense.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 8:03pm,

It's a great idea if I do say so.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Texas Longhorn said...

Does the Happy Sac protect one from being infected with the eballa virus?

Duke of Pedalmore said...

After procuring one of the 'Happy Sacs', I experienced quite some difficulty in attaining the proper fitment on the intended area of my anatomy. Becoming quite vexed, I summond the maid to assist in the operation and between her fumblings and the sensitivity of the region, I mortified myself by becoming physically aroused.The enire situation was quite a cock-up, I dare say.

Duke of Pedalmore said...

'entire', is what I surely did mean to write.

Grump said...

Knock it off....My phone STILL looks like that!!!!

Dooth said...

I could only wear black leather Happy Sacs.

David Pearce said...

J'ACCUSE!, monseiur!

Sacré Bleu, Or perhaps I should say Happy-Sac-ré Bleu

Shorten Le Tour to une semaine?? Vous-etes Fou?

Mais non!! RIEN!!

David Pearce said...


Read Milan Kundera's The Incredible Lightness of Being, and watch the great movie of the same name.

Daniel Day-Lewis is great as the great doctor and even greater as the lover. Imagine being able to have sex with both Lena Olin AND Juliette Binoche.

And Juliette Binoche is just cute as a button with her street photography and her East German Praktica camera, intercut with and photoshopped into scenes from the 1968 Russian invasion and the crushing of the Prague Spring!

That is a movie, man! I'm reading the book now, and I bet I could read it faster than the near three hours of the movie, but it's a great movie. Makes one think. Makes one want to have sex!

Lena Olin is now acting in the TV show Welcome to Sweden and Amy Poehler and her brother Greg are the Executive producers and maybe both of them act in it too.

[You can see when I get a jones for something, I get a little too deep into it! Sorry. But, "the unexamined life....", etc., etc.]

JLRB said...

Well this line hasn't been misused in a while SO

"Find a fucking sac and get your balls in there"

JLRB said...

An old classic - dress silly for any weather

Anonymous said...


Spokey said...

forget it.

it's 22 degrees out there. i'd put up with that if it were canadian, but that's cheap plastic american degrees.

i was barely able to get in to the car i own today. time to dig out the lined jeans.

Spokey said...

too cold & lazy for the sprint tonite. the vodka didn't warm me up enough

Anonymous said...

How ya' liking those Rossby waves?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant idea Rock Crushing Machine, that would make July truly spectacular, with the worst crashes spread throughout Europe, instead of just concentrated in France.

Jake, from Allstate said...

Better idea - turn the grand tours into triathlete events - more crashes = better tv

Bill "The Anesthesiologist" Cosby said...

Would you like a glass of wine?

Due Proccess said...

to Bill "The Anesthesiologist" Cosby:

If you or anyone else believes a crime has been committed, you should take your evidence to the police.

Due Process said...

to Bill "The Anesthesiologist" Cosby:

Some New York City statistics from 2008:

EMS and Hospitals treated maybe 2,200 to 2,700 rape victims.

NYPD received 890 reports of 1st degree rape.

NYPD arrested 944 1st-3rd degree rape suspects, of which 399 were convicted (42%.)

No information on how many rapes each of the suspects committed before being arrested.

Spokey said...


Spokey said...


woke up and no century

Spokey said...

so the century is for me you lazy bastards

Anonymous said...

vsk said . . .

Century + 1


Anonymous said...

Is it possible that you moderate comments that aren't part of your fanboy banter? Because yesterday I posted a comment (you know, from anonymous), suggesting that the 6.5 year bike tour was worth a follow up and that the TDF, Giro and Vuelta are worth the time. All I see today is quibble from the rabble.

Angry Beaver in Mirimichi said...

“Nothing is untouchable,” the Spanish newspaper AS reported him as saying."

He was talking about his refusal to hide away the family jewels in a sac.

Spokey said...


i doubt it. there is some stuff that google does automatically. For ex they'll do a spam detection. Given that snobbie is notoriously lazy, he probably never looks at the spam stuff.

I rarely do and my lazy index is only 1/2 that of snobbie (figuring same laziness but 2x the years = 1/2 the lazy index)

robot says it's not spam, posting is all up to marion huiedsl

Anonymous said...

So what surgery did Bono need for his arm bobo?

leslie nielson said...

I'm not sure....and don't call me bobo

caged MonkeyMan(person)(entity) said...

oops sorry bonobo

Anonymous said...

Erm, spring 2007 was 7 1/2 years ago.

Spokey said...

is it my imagination or is bike lobby now gone porno by tweeting boobies?

JLRB said...

Erm, so waht watt what

Jane Goodall said...

”oops sorry bonobo”

Do you mean this type of Bonobo?

JLRB said...

BamaPhred - Bono got seriously banged up

A little more than a booboo for bono

JLRB said...

re you a MAMIL?

caged MonkeyMan(person)(entity) said...

more like this type of bonobo


Jane Goodall said...

Even I don't watch them when they are doing that.

Spokey said...

what the heck?

arm falling off bike

bono has a bike with arms? where do i get one? I could use some spares

BikeSnobNYC said...


No. For some reason your comment must have triggered the mysterious algorithms of G**gles spam detection. It is not a conspiracy against you.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

PS: I'm flattered you think I'm a hipster. Do you have any idea how old I am?

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