Monday, September 8, 2014

Put this in your bottom bracket and inflate it.

Greetings from New York City, the best cycling city in America according to Bicycling magazine.

As everybody knows, Bicycling's best city prize is the kiss of death--just ask Portland!

But this is New York City--Home Of The Whopper™--and we're not content to just rest on our laurels in this town.  No, you can be assured that the NYPD is working its hardest to make sure we remain in the Number One slot.  And how are they doing it?  By not working!

Shortly after the Aug. 7 crash in Brooklyn, witnesses not only gave cops the car’s plate number but told them where it was parked, about two blocks away.

When she failed to hear from the cops, she called “and the detective told me he would contact the [car] owner if he had time,” said victim Dulcie Canton, 38, who sells high-end Dutch bikes at a Tribeca shop.

Hey, look, in defense of the police, it's not like they have any evidence or anything.  All they have are witnesses, the car's license plate number, the identity of the owner (Richard Rivera Jr., 31), and a video of the incident:

(Still showing moment after impact; video is non-embeddable.)

Naturally, the victim's lawyer is outraged:

Canton’s lawyer, Steve Vaccaro, said, “We think a criminal case is justified. Look at the video — it’s just horrible.”

The video is indeed horrible--and quite damning, for it proves the victim is guilty of riding a bicycle in New York City.  In light of that, the victim's lucky she's not in jail.

Anyway, in the meantime, the cops ain't doing shit, and they ain't saying shit neither:

Meanwhile, he said police haven’t even contacted the owner of the surveillance video, adding that despite numerous letters to the precinct, he hasn’t even been able to get cops to interview Rivera.

Police did not comment.

And should Rivera's day in court ever come, he's got a bulletproof defense:

A woman answering the door at Rivera’s home disputed the accusation, saying, “I bet the lady don’t even know what color the car was.”

And that's how you reach number one:

I don't think I'll ever understand how New York City won this.  Similarly, I don't understand how Bicycling considers this to be a "great bicycling tattoo:" 

(Helmnented skull soaring on Sideburns of Doom.)

Then again, you can make a pretty strong argument that there's no such thing as a great tattoo, for in the end only their comic value endures:

Speaking of life in America's greatest cycling city, yesterday afternoon I was in pedestrian mode when I encountered a procession of numbered Freds:

My first thought was that some city councilperson had finally succeeded in implementing some kind of bicycle licensing scheme, but it turned out to be the New York City Century making its final swing through the Bronx:

I might have hung around and cheered them on, but I was late for my appointment to have my tattoo fixed:

Unfortunatly they refused to do the work for free, because somehow their under the impresion the misteak was my fault.

I even reminded them I was a published author but they remained unconvinced:

Moving on to product news, if you like disembodied hand bottom bracket insertion porn, you're going to love the "CrankPump:"

Says the video:

All the stuff needed to repair a tire hangs off your bike, making it look ugly and un-aerodynamic.

To which I reply:

"Are you fucking kidding me?  You think that bike's ugly because of the pump?!?"

(There is no god.)

By way of proving their "point," they then show this infernal bicycle without the frame pump or the saddlebag, but--surprise!--it's remains just as ugly:

Taking the pump off this thing is the futility equivalent of the person sitting next to you on the bus soiling himself and then popping a Tic Tac.

As for the "pump," it shouldn't surprise you at all to learn it's not one:

Yeah, what you got there is a Co2 inflator, and once it's outta gas you can "pump" it all you want and it ain't gonna do shit.  Co2 inflators need to be banned immediately because they give Freds a false sense of security, and the last thing Freds should ever feel is secure.  See, what happens is Fred packs his Co2 inflator and thinks he's all set, but when he flats he botches the inflation and uselessly expels all the gas without inflating the tire like a john ejaculating prematurely on a prostitute's thigh--or, if he does manage to actually inflate the tube, he fails to remove whatever caused the puncture from the tire and then flats again immediately.  It is at this point that Fred stops someone like me who suffers from the twin curses of "humanity" and "personal responsibility," for I then proceed to fix the flat for him using the pump and patches I always carry, all the while secretly fantasizing about gauging his eyes out with a pair of tire levers.

Speaking of tire levers, it stands to reason that the inventor of this "pump" has also attempted to reinvent that piece of equipment too:

Look at these stupid fakakta pieces of garbage.  Seriously, why bother?  Is there a more perfect tool than the Park nylon tire lever?

I'm sure the people who invented the CrankPump think it's too long, in which case I suggest they go shove it up their bottom bracket.

And if nothing else, never ever buy a cycling product from someone who fixes a flat like this:

Sure, if you're patching a Dutch bike tube and you've got a fender, a coaster brake, and an internally-geared hub to deal with, fine.  Fish out the bad section of tube and patch it.  But if you can't open a quick release and repair or replace the tube on a racing bike like a grownup then you should not be in the flat repair tool business.

Lastly, here's a reminder to refrain from riding your bicycle on the subway, and to be careful with your nuts:

What's eating Gilbert Grape? - w4m (Rockaways)
My friend and I met you at Surf Club in the Rockaways this past Saturday night. We were astounded by how much you look like Leo Dicaprio but you've heard it before. You even slurringly, accurately described yourself as Leo from the Gilbert Grape era. Needless to say I was attracted. Even when you started drinking my drink, even when your nuts started popping out from the bottom of your short shorts. But between your hot body, your witty banter, your ability to speak eloquent French, and your Leo-like baby face, I looked passed the dangling dinglers and I started getting pretty into you. My friend disappeared for a while and we made out in a corner. We eventually decided to leave and go home together. But our subway ride was cut short when a cop pulled you off the A train!

I'm not entirely sure why you got popped. Yes, you were pretty drunk. Yes, you were sitting on top of the seat dividers. Yes, you tried riding my friend's bike inside the moving train car. Yes, your balls revealed themselves again and again. And when the cop called you off, the train doors closed too quickly for us to realize was happening. My friend and I were still on the train as it left the station without you! 

I was super bummed. My hookup dream was deferred. The entire train was a little stunned that it had happened. Many people had seen your privates popping out, and many people were chiming in on why you might've been stopped by the cops. Many people were confused why we were putting up with your antics. But the truth is, despite it all, you were charming. 

It seemed like you'd been having a rough couple of days - getting fired on Friday afternoon and getting in a bar fight Friday night. Getting pulled off the subway in a random part of Queens, for who-knows-what, instead of going home with moi, hopefully was the last misfortune, and you've gotten yourself a little straightened out, or at least into a pair of underwear. I hope you made it home without too much trouble.

If you see this Kevin, I'd love to see you and your short shorts again sometime!

Looks like Gilbert's grapes got him into some trouble.


  1. Top 20 ...must be the new Walz Cap.

  2. Orrrrrr the dumbass pinches the tube on a stupid o'clock ride during the first week at a new job and has to call in the calvary in order to get to work on time. Don't laugh. It happens sometimes.

    Geze, this blog seems stuck on the sweaty dinglers these days... you know I am good with that, but please. More boobies!

  3. Looks like a good century.

  4. bottom bracket is already adjusted for inflation, thank you very much... it is extra beefy.

  5. Oh! Oh oh oh oh! I almost forgot!
    Don't be a brainwashed ultramaroon! Join the cool kids! Exit the rat race. Feel the wind in you hair, (and maybe on your balls, too) and put a smile on your face!

  6. Sad story about Kevin, but good to know the NYPD can actually spring into action sometimes.

  7. Toppus XX !!!

    [no slap fights in the peloton, please]

  8. Balls! Who calls them grapes?

  9. That's why you shouldn't wear short-shorts on hot days.

  10. I'd bet dollars to donuts the cops use the word "nuisance" to describe the victim of the hit and run.

  11. I try to pump a lot to help other people to suck-seed.

  12. I can't believe the Rivera's played the color card. They will probably SUCK SEED.

  13. Streepo you witty bastard.

  14. sounds like Kevin "long nuts" is a pretty serious aspiring racer.

    he has shaved a few grams by wearing some short-shorts, not wearing underwear and i also would guess he's shaving his nuts.

    and he practices his aero form while on the subway. or do you say IN the subway?

    and he was so focused on peddaling perfect circles that he was completely oblivious to the spectators and totally ignored this chick just like the Tour de France (or tour de short pants) riders ignore the big red devil.

    that is seriously one strange missed connection. who knew that i could flash a gal my nuts and she'd still find it charming?

  15. The old Zucker Brothers classic "Kentucky Fried Movie" had this lovely gag:

    Attractive young woman (lasciviously): "Show me your nuts!"

    Man (maniacally) : "Blugga-blugga-blugga!"

  16. IMHO I favor steel tire levers. The nylon type lose thier stregnth over time and will not extract the bead from rim.

  17. Snob,

    I guess you're off the payroll at Bicycling magazine?

    Totally worth it, if the cops actually ever bother to call Richard Rivera Jr.

    You sir, are vertically stiff.

  18. just when you think the NYPD can't get any worse you read a story like this, confirming their reputation as New York's Laziest. I guess they are waiting for the guy to mow down a few more people before putting down the donut and springing into action. Fuck the Police.

  19. sounds like the Leo lookalike also shared the characters mental capacity.

  20. The detective is undoubtedly spending all of his time investigating Wall Street.m

  21. The Park Tool tire levers are the one tool they got wrong. Don't ever buy those -- when you have to use them you will see they are too thick. Get the Kool Stop ones instead.

  22. Park tool levers are too thick? Damn, I better go back and undo all the flats I've fixed with them.

  23. Angry Beaver in MirimichiSeptember 8, 2014 at 2:01 PM

    "like a john ejaculating prematurely on a prostitute's thigh"

    One can rest assured that Babble has caused many a PE, where it landed may be a different story.

  24. When I first saw the picture of the blood vial thing being inserted into the bottom bracket I thought someone found the source of the perpetual motion bike doping mini-motor scandal

  25. CO2 is the way to go. Unless you like wanking your pump for a half hour to get inflated to partial pressure.

    But, carrying only one CO2 cartridge is like going fishing with one worm.

    A spare tube, a patch kit, an inflator, a few extra CO2's and 2 aluminum levers weigh less than a water bottle.

  26. Tire levers are like bottle openers - only rookies require them

  27. Oh goddamm vacation stuff! Ms. Babbles sees the fun stuff on the facebooks. Here's the narration of the bad . . .

    On week doo of my staycation. Ride to Prospect Park on a C record Paramount wall hanger. Sublime. So much different from my commuter hacks.
    2nd Ave (that's Ridge Blvd when you're UpTown Baby) and 60th St Brooklyn... pssfssfssfss. Rear flat. Rim strip fail... never wouldda happened with my Fond De Jante. No probles, nice cardboard litter laying around to insulate the rim eyelets.
    Decent ride to the the park. In the spirit of blogulations today->
    Going down the hill in a decent gear, chasing some Fred and Frederica . . . unbelievable pain... smooshed my left ball somehow between my left thigh and the Brooks Perfessional. That will take the woo hoo out of your woohoo speed.
    Passed the fredzes first (gravity was on MY side)... then pulled over to see if I would pass out. Didn't think it would be a good idea to try to "ride it out".
    Anyway, I got home.
    Before that (getting home I mean).
    15th Street, west of the park, has alternate side of the street parking 11:30am to 1pm.
    Where the fcuk do you think people would park in the worlds greatest socialist entitlement bastion, I mean bikeen city? In the bike lane, claro!
    I can't wait to get back to work, this vacation shit is dangerous.


  28. Isn't your Softrides warranty voided if you take off the pump & seat bag?

  29. How much did Park pay for the brand-specific tire lever shout-out?

    The robot's answer: udiense their

  30. My dog advises that's not Gilbert Grape.

    That's Frank Mills, of the eponymous song from the tribal love rock musical "Hair."

    You can't master shaggy dog stories without some knowledge of hair.


    vsk @ 2:21pm: Tell the truth: will you remove the cardboard "rim strip" before the next ride, or leave it in until the next time the tire needs to come off?

  32. So, Snob, gauge is the new gouge?

    It's so hard to know what with all the spelling hijinks around here…

  33. My dog says I'm crazy for devoting my time since October 2008 to developing a tattoo needle with spell check.

    He says I'd just gauge my eyes out with that thing.

    But clearly, there's a need.

  34. anonymous vsk at 2:21...when I read your post, I hear an Arnold Schwarzeneger impersonator

  35. Just wrapping up my staycation. Staycations blow. "Just write me a check."

  36. Good to have Snob back daily. Try and stop being so in-demand BSNYC.

    Wore my badass hat on vacation rides. No one noticed. Hell, no one saw me straining up the hills.

    CO2 cartridges are for bitches. I pondered them. Light plastic levers and a pump work fine.

    And check this bike vid, then go take another look at your own bike, and smile:

    Ride Muthafuckas ride.

  37. I tried aluminum levers on my shiny gold shamals, and they scarred the rims. The plastic levers might be thicker but they leave the shiny intact.

    Um, and I am pretty sure any ejaculation is a good ejaculation, as long as you are willing to blow the magic hose up to attention again afterward.

    Knob gobblers rock a doodle do.

    Just sayin'...

  38. Steel core levers for me, I like the added weight makes me feel more like the drivers I see with their bellies in the steering wheel.

  39. commentatorbot_9q73September 8, 2014 at 3:55 PM

    jodphoto, listen to the WildCat Rockmanstien.

    You know who regrets counting tire repair grams? The rider stuck out on the road with a flat, a broken tire lever and an empty co2 cartridge. Good thing you were counting grams.

    Oh, we know that's never going to happen to you. Oh yeah, we know.

  40. commentatorbot_9q73September 8, 2014 at 4:02 PM

    Zefal tire levers for me.

    Zefal frame fit pump for me too.

    I just discovered Zefal still makes the hpx classic. I'll be replacing my 20+ year old hpx real soon.

    Unlike a co2 cartridge, it always gets the tire back to 6+ bar.

  41. I had CO2 years ago. My memory has been slip sliding away since the first metric centurion years but I kind of recall those things being pretty heavy. OTOH you can barely feel the weight of the roadie morphie. i'm woundering if a couple co2s might weigh more than the pump.

    And woo-hoo speed with a boorks saddle? doesn't that void the warranty? Doesn't fredding or freddinaing require some crabon cipo saddle or something?

  42. I figure the first time I depended on C02, the tire bead wouldn't seat right.

    Have a nice rhythmic ride home!

  43. Dulcie looks pretty damn embeddable.

  44. I prefer co2, because it's a complete bitch to pump a tire to 90 psi with a mini..but I believe in using suspenders and a belt..or in carrying a mini frame pump & a couple of cartidges...I used to take the mini pump from my fred bike & throw it in the pannier on the commuter bike...of course, the day I forgot to do that I had a flat & used my first cartridge on a spare with a slow leak... I patched the spare, and used the second cartridge & realized my patch wasn't over the all my bikes have a mini pump on the hell with graham

  45. Internet Challenge: Do they make titanium tire levers?

    You bet they do.

  46. dop

    i pump 700x37s to just over 80 with the road morph and don't mind it. i think the little peg that lets you operate it almost as a real floor pump helps a lot.

    ok, enough of this though. we'll never agree on inflation or tire irons (i don't use irons).

    so let's get back to the boobies or at least exploring why NYPD seems as useless as tits on a bullfrog.

  47. “I bet the lady don’t even know what color the car was.”

    Yeah see that's the funny thing about being hit from behind by cowards.

  48. I found the Park levers to be too thick as well, always was a fight to get between the tire and the rim, so I found a different slightly thinner set and use them in conjunction with an alloy one in case the going gets tough depending on what bike I'm riding at the time that I get the flat... Whoa! Look out! Runaway sentence.

  49. don't know about titanium but i have seen crabon. i assume that any fredina who does carry tire irons would insist on crabon.

  50. I carry CO2 on the mountaining bykecicle because pumping up a 2+" 29er tire with a mini-pump sucks rocks. I still carry a mini-pump because hiking several miles of trail with a flat tire because you f'ed up with the CO2 sucks even more.

    Roading, I'm totally a frame pump kinda guy. Still using a plastic Silca with the Campy head. And only carry one (1) lever because my choosen tire, the Continental Deutschland UberAliSport, gets a little slutty and comes off the rim pretty easily after a few miles of break in.

    Because I'm sure you care.

    Oh, and BSNYC, the New York City cycling tourism anti-promoter. What is wrong with your city? The coppers don't even pretend anymore.

  51. When I was youngster I could never remove tyres without levers. I don't know what has changed in the modern era, but I now remove and reinstall all my tyres by hand.

    Nevertheless, I carry plastic levers with me, considering them disposable items.

    Obviously I'm very strong and handsome and a happy dinglers dangler, but I'm not too proud to carry tyre levers and all of youse should carry 'em also.

    PS. CO2 canisters is for girls.

  52. Well y'all. When my tire gits flatter than a skinny girls chest, I just grabs me a flat screwdriver or the back end of a spoon an' I ain't got no need for any plastic, made in China Land, high priced tire remover tools. Yup. Easy as pie... Dependin' on how drunk I is at the time. Oh yeah, an' how many patches can you put on b'fore you gotta throw the tube on the trash heap in th' back yard? I bet you sissy boys use more tubes in a week than I do in 100 years.

  53. I knew a girl named sissy who had a mouth that could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch...all them hankshaw girls was like that...she didn't need no cartridge, no frame pump nor floor pump neither...just put her lips together and blew

  54. 1904 Cadardi

    I can see where mtb tires might induce me to carry co2. But i only do road and my tires vary from 27 1/8 (or 1/4) to 700x37 so a pump is fine for that.

    I've been using continentals since the mid-90s (TT->TT2K->Travel Contact) and maybe they're just easier. I've heard schwabs are harder. I figure locally I'm OK. If I trashed a tire, I'd probably call spousy for a rescue even if I was outside a bike shop (not that there are any locally) that didn't have a conti. I carry a good spare while traveling. I guess if I ever get to the point where I've used that and have to buy another brand while on the road I ought to think about picking up a set of tire levers for safety's sake.

    robot claims to change 8461 tires / month without levers

  55. Sheeeit! I do believe I meant 10 years. Never was much fer countin'.

  56. dop, how can you trust a man who doesn't even trust his own pants?

  57. I use my tongue for tire removal

  58. I dunno..let's see...suspenders and a that one too many? or two too many

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  61. muhammed yasir bawaniSeptember 8, 2014 at 6:55 PM

    Oh, and I also offer digital prostate massage at home, office or bus station at extremely reasonable rates.

  62. Excluding the comment from streepo, this sounds like a fuckin' noob MTBR forum about repairing flats.

    I just stand around until someone offers me a tube and then act dumb and let them repair it for me while I peep the ladies.


  63. Am I the only one who got suckered into looking at 16 awful bike-related tattoos? Most of them were horrible, a few were only bad. There was one on a girl that actually wasn't bad. But guys with tramp-stamp style bike tatts on ugly white backs? And who in their right mind designs and 'gifts' a family member a bike tatt? I guess that's at least a good excuse for a bad tatt.

  64. muhammed yasir bawaniSeptember 8, 2014 at 7:08 PM

    And top quality excellent lube for all your bicycles part distilled from my very own man juice.

  65. More complete video of hit and run. This leaves no doubt.

    check this link:

  66. muhammed yasir bawaniSeptember 8, 2014 at 7:13 PM

    Make money from your flats by using the shards of glass embedded in your tire as a needle and excess oil from your chain to tattoo tramp stamps on pale Anglos.

  67. I am visiting NYC this week from the flyover state where I live and I had my first Citi Bike experience yesterday. I must say it was wonderful. I am staying in the Hassidistan section of Brooklyn where there are no Citi Bike docking stations so I had to walk about a mile to get a bike, but it was still great. Good job, New York. I am glad, however, that I didn't get hit by a car while I was riding. While Citi Bike seems to be a great addition to the city, the NYPD is really uncool.

  68. I find it funny that spammers post spammy job listings here. Why doesn't anyone every post a job listing for lubing bicycle chains with Babble's lady juice. I'd do that in a second.

  69. Zing! Nine.five out of 11.

    By the way, gauging means "to measure". I think you were going for "gouging", meaning to violently expunge.

  70. WAIT a minute!!! You mean I can patch Bea bike's back tire without removing the stupid-assed thing from the bike!?! But how on Earth do you figure out where the patch goes? And can you change the whole tube the same way?!

    Stunned and amazed, if slightly doubtful... xox

  71. Oh. And be afwaid. Be vewy afwaid. Once babble's lady juices are peddled on the internet, the End Times are nigh.

  72. babs

    seems harder but imagine pulling one side of the tire over the tube and having the two beads pressed together. The whole tube would be accessible. But again seems much more cumbersome than simply pulling the wheel off.

    However, topology 101 tells us that changing the tube on a standard bike without removing the wheel is quite impossible in the normal three dimensions.

  73. It is hard to imagine that you could find the leak on a busy road without pulling the tube out. And yet taking the tire off that particular bike is a cumbersome project to say the least...

    besides. who patches a tube on the roadside. I thought all the sane peeps put the spare tube on at the moment and patched it later in the comfort of their own home, drink in hand.

  74. We all know where Thomas "Fathead" Barraga hides his inflatabator device.

  75. i'm lazier than that. unless i'm traveling, i toss the tubes when i get home. even traveling i use new tubes until i run out. if i hit a bike store i buy new ones otherwise i'll patch when the day is done. but patching is a last resort as far as i'm concerned. but i'm lucky. i generally get a flat once a year or so. one so far this year. i think i have 3 of maybe the 4 tubes (nashbar) i bought in 2011. i think they were something like 3 for $7. i guess if i flatted more, i'd think about patching.

    i also run 700x37 tires @ 80psi. Supposedly lower pressures help in the flat dept.

  76. jodphoto:

    Fucking depressing. NYC apparently just sucks. Just from the cops. Even the music in my headphones did not help that story. Does anyone have a good cop story from NYC? I need one.

  77. Dear Snob,

    I love the way your blog post builds from one great point to an even greater point. Granted, it built a little slow at first, but it began with a bang, grew with a CrankPump, and climaxed with w4m personal that will probably go down (see what I did there!) in the anals of all time great personals advertisements!

    I'm sorry, but I can't fit a CrankPump into my bottom bracket, because it is filled to the gun'alls with electronic motor assistance mechanisms so I can get a polka-dot jersey and be King of the Mountains in my mind.

    Instead, I am going to get a:

    TL-1: Display box (25 qty)

    of Park Tool Tire Levers, because I only can fix a flat with a set of entirely new and clean levers. Consider me the Jack Nicholson of tire levers in As Good As It Gets.

    Now, you'll pardon me, I pray, but I must go and CrankPump one out,

    And so to bed,
    S. Pepys, etc., etc.

    Anti-robot: 3326; Confidents level: 99.999999%

  78. JB @ September 8, 2014 at 2:31 PM-

    I already forgot about the cardboard and will most likely wait til the next flat. However, now that you've reminded me, I will tape some rim tape under the Brooks for the next flat... if I remember when I get up.


  79. dop @ September 8, 2014 at 2:39 PM
    -Arnold Schwarzeneger impersonator



  80. Now I have to post this: yaaaaaalgh

  81. Gauged?? Bloody spell check...

  82. Now Babble I am sure if the tube was pulled out, even on a busy road, you could find the leak. Long as your riding shotgun and not driving. With the hands-free turned off.

  83. The NYPD are very uncool, it's true, but at least they weren't the ones doing the hitting and running. Try dealing with Quebec law enforcement. Canada is like that all over: go big or go home.

  84. I think the first sentence you wrote for this post was the final sentence in the post. The one about Gilbert's Grapes.