Thursday, July 24, 2014

Le Tour: Keeping It Classy

For awhile I was regretting not following the Tour de France television coverage, but now I feel like this is all I need:
I could watch that all day long.

In fact, I think I will.

["Jeeves?  Cancel my waxing appointment!"]

In other Tour de France news, in addition to being dopers, it appears the riders are also filthy racists:

(Yeah, I realize it's only one guy, but I'm going to go ahead and impugn the entire peloton, because why not?)

Here's what happened:

But on Tuesday, words were some of the loudest elements of the day. After the stage ended in Bagnères-de-Luchon, a report emerged that indicated Switzerland’s Michael Albasini called Kévin Reza, the only black rider in the race and one of few in the sport, a “dirty negro,” according to Reza’s general manager at Europcar, Jean-René Bernaudeau.

Reza, was not amused, nor was his team's manager:

Reza, he said, was upset after the stage, and that the comments were “unacceptable, inadmissible,” reported France’s Sud Ouest website. “I do not tolerate racism,” Bernaudeau said. “After doping it is the other scourge of the sport.”

Uh, I'd argue that racism is a way worse scourge than doping.

For his part, Albasini denies making the comment:

Albasini said he was racing on the limit, working to drive a then five-man break that had some 45 seconds on the main field. He was frustrated with what he saw as Reza’s lack of contribution to the effort. “I wasn’t happy, and I was angry. I said to him some words that maybe I shouldn’t have, but none of them were racist.”

He also said, “[Reza] came up and asked what I said. I said it again, I didn’t choose nice words, but that’s how it is when you are on your limit, but there were definitely no racist comments. I told him, how nice it was to have one guy on your wheel when you are going full gas, so I don’t understand how it came out that I was saying something racist.”


So why hasn't Albasini been thrown off the Tour?  Well, because: A) The Tour de France is morally bankrupt; and 2) He attributes the "misunderstanding" to the peloton's frustrating lack of ethnic homogeneity:

Albasini (Orica-GreenEdge) also cited the international flavor of the peloton as a reason for what he characterized as a misunderstanding.

“You know there are many languages spoken in the bunch, I don’t speak English perfectly, I speak a little bit of French, not perfectly, [Reza] doesn’t speak my languages. That can happen, a misunderstanding.”

Yeah, see?  He didn't call Reza a "dirty negro."  He was merely saying, "Dirty knee.  Grow?," which in cycling slang is a polite way of asking a rider to pull through.  (A "dirty knee" is a wheelsucker, and to "grow" is to take a pull.)  The correct response is of course, "No, I cannot, I must remain neutral like Switzerland and sit on your wheel like your country's banks sit on Nazi gold," but instead he got all huffy, and there you go.

By the way, I'd like to preemptively apologize to the people of Switzerland for my remarks, because they are a proud group who have been downtrodden for far too long:

(Swiss bankers discuss the unique hardships of living in a country with the highest nominal wealth per adult in the world.)

Honestly, some of my best friends are Swiss [disclaimer: I know no Swiss people], and I love your useful knives, your hole-riddled cheese, and your comically oversized alpine horns:

And don't go pointing out that Albasini is from the Italian part of Switzerland or anything like that, or that it's patently unfair to lump all Swiss people together, because a dirty Swiss is a dirty Swiss, everyone knows that.  Really, they're almost as bad as the Canadians--and speaking of Canadians, here's one who wants $8,000 to ride his bike off his roof so that he can buy a truck:

I don't see what could possibly go wrong, especially since he's clearly thought of everything:

Risks and challenges 

If I biff it I may need the pledge money for medical bills haha

Wait a minute!  They don't have medical bills in Canada!  I bet he's actually an American posing as a Canadian, he's already tried and failed to ride off his roof, the hilarious footage of said failure is now in the can, and so now he's trying to raise money for his medical bills.

That's a cunning financial scheme of nearly Swiss proportions.

Meanwhile, here's another cyclist looking to raise money for the world's fastest Trans-European Fred Run:

Here's the route:

I may have to launch my own Kickstarter for a documentary that simultaneously follows both of these athletes as they prepare mentally, physically, and spiritually for a pair of wildly different cycling feats that are, underneath it all, equally pointless.

Lastly--and I am very late to this--someone in Portland really hates blinky lights:

I'm pretty sure I know what Knog is going to name their next light now.


Anonymous said...

Yeah buddi.

Serial Retrogrouch said...


Anonymous said...

Spooging all over the podio.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

foiled by RF... chapeau

Blog Drafter said...

Damn quick!

Vernal Magina said...

finally geez wtf

Anonymous said...

top ten?

Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

Ah thanks for reminding me of Tzatzoo Guy a.k.a. "The Outlier"

Anonymous said...

Sorry: Tzatzoo GOY

crosspalms said...

Knog: Seizure? I hardly know her.

Anonymous said...

Rollicky Fingers !!

Podalicious !!


Buffalo Bill said...

Vinnie, Vino, no Vida.

Anonymous said...


Comment deleted said...

"Dirty negro", a friendly greeting in Switzerland, is often misinterpreted by other cultures.

On those very rare occasions that you happen to be Samuel L. Jackson racing the Tour and find yourself trying to encourage a recalcitrant peloton member, only then is it ok to say "Take a pull, negro!"

Olle Nilsson said...

AND AND - poor guy's having a seizure while spray bombing the pavement.

Morning Machine Fred said...

Thank you for your superb takedown of this racist and his racist handlers. Unbelievable. Did they even hear what they said. Oh, yes, of course they did.

Too bad most of those Swiss bankers can't leave Switzerland anymore for fear of arrest. So much for a tax haven.

Oh, and yes, looks like I'm going to have to settle for stage wins at this point.

Orestes Munn said...

I'll wear my epileptic tights if and when I want, thank you very much!

streepo said...

Vive le scranus!!!!

babble on said...

Podium kisses, gentlemen... XX
Just keeping it classy. :D

Marcel Da Chump said...

Swiss cheesy

JLRB said...

Racism is no laughing matter, but if it was I'd make fun of the Swiss for being hip to the 1950's racism lingo, but it's not so I didn't

BamaPhred said...

Reza needs to respond with, "Suck on this, M*F*."
Yes, I saw Nibali run over the woman, best part of that 4 hours.
Kept looking for bikini girl, but no luck.

Orestes Munn said...

Europe is going Neofascist, in case no one noticed.

Kenny Banya said...

As it is for the rider in motion, it actually reads: "LIGHTS EPILEPTIC YOUR AND AND FUCK".

Flyover BC said...

Everyone in the Peloton can dope but not everybody can be black.

And didn't the token African drop out on day three.

JLRB said...

Not all Africans can be black.

Tom said...

Icky Yucky Stinky Stupid Switzerland:

Flyover BC said...

Not to be confused with a tokin' African.

I have Swiss friends. They are a fun bunch, but a little provincial.

Next time you meet the swiss, buy a bowl of boiled shrimp and offer to share. When the ask what it is, tell them "water bugs".

Trust me, you won't have to share.

BamaPhred said...

Actually, I thought the Europeans all hated each other, French hate the Germans, who hate the Russians, etc.

Yes, I had forgotten about the neofascism.

db said...

I thought Portland was the land of tolerance....

Anonymous said...

The Swiss I met were living in squats in Geneva and they were at the rock show in the basement of a bar (also a squat) and they were all on Ecstasy. Not too shabby.

Anonymous said...

scranular fortitude

BamaPhred said...

The Kenyans are great marathon runners. Would this translate into European stage racing? I actually know nothing about either subject.

JLRB said...

I actually watched a few minutes of the biekcycling tour of today, and managed to catch the good part of the bikini clad chick on the phone saying look I am on TV getting hit by the skinny dude who was leading all the other skinny dudes up the mountain.

I shudder at the thought of what it would look like if tried to keep up with those crabon jockeys

Anonymous said...

I was thinking the same thing. All the athletic achievements of that continent, only one black guy in the Tour?

Could it be the money (i.e. nobody will give them any)? NAAHHH

BamaPhred said...

Yes, the one black guy is actually a Frenchman.

Von Trapp said...

How much weed could Hans fit into that pipe!

leroy said...

My dog insists the last week of the Tour de France is also known as National Brotherhood Week.

They even have their own theme song..

I'm not sure he's right, but I don't doubt him enough to bet money.

Flyover BC said...

Froome isn't the sort of Kenyan that runs.

Let's face the facts...

he had enough money for a bike.

Orestes Munn said...

The Swiss are OK on the whole and tend to resemble the people in the bordering countries who speak the same language. The whole country is pretty mercenary, though. I once organized a three day meeting at a hotel where the rooms were about 500 bucks a night and they had the nerve to charge me for a single photocopy. …oh, and they sheltered all that Nazi loot, but hey...

Anonymous said...

Fuck, you want a gazillion-dollar idea, there it is: Go to Africa, recruit the locals and start the African takeover of bicycle-cycling. Unless I'm desperately naive about what's keeping them out of the sport now. If it's just money then all it takes is one forward-thinking, patient investor.

Flyover BC said...

I don't know what Reza's nationality is. His is an Arabic of Persian name though.

Anyway, the Swiss guy's cheesy story is full of holes.

Most Swiss speak French, German, and Italian.

Anonymous said...

This my be decidedly un-PC, but i thought epileptics need medical approval to drive in Oregon.

Flyover BC said...

Yes Fred of the sea, the swiss are mercenary, or at east they used to be.

That's how they raised/made money, by fighting for whoever paid the most.

Orestes Munn said...

Wonder how the Holy See keeps the guards loyal.

Canadian Ice Dancer said...

I have a Swiss Army knife and it has this long hook thing that folds out next to the main blade and I don't have a clue what the hell it's used for. I have been known to give my ice skate laces an extra tug sometimes with the thing but I feel it has a higher calling.

1904 Cadardi said...


McFly said...

Whats redundant is racism in racing is redundant.

Dooth said...

@Fred of the Sea,
The Holy See turns a blind eye on his guards.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 3:27. I think you are rated to drive if they can see your fit.

Orestes Munn said...

When the Pope goes for a hoon on his gold Colnago, is he Fred of the See?

JLRB said...

I Hear The Epileptic Lights Are Bright on Broadway

Flyover BC said...

It's easy to keep the swiss guard loyal, good pay and all the Italian chicks they can....

Flyover BC said...

... probe with their pikes,.

swing their halberds at.

BamaPhred said...

If the Pope rode in his robe and helment/mitre he could be mistaken for the Grand Wanker of the Swiss Knights.

Wait, Albasini already has that title.

Anonymous said...


recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The epileptic lights ought to be a hit with the eliptigo set.

BamaPhred said...

For another yuk I watched the Nibali thing again. I hadn't noticed was a nice strong, quick, forearm shot he dished out on the way by. Kind of like leaning into a pitch without looking like you leaned into it. Nice job.

The King of Park Slope said...


Did I do that right?

BamaPhred said...

How about WHAT a nice shot...


BamaPhred said...

But he was a dick for hitting bikini girl

gsport george said...

It is a little known fact that most automobiles are fitted with flashing lights in each corner which can be activated at will by the driver. It is thought that in olden times the driver would use these to signal his intention to turn in a particular direction.
Happily in these more enlightened times, these lights are simply used to inform traffic wardens that the owner of the vehicle is aware that he or she hasn't chosen the BEST place to park, and they will endeavour to return and move it at their earliest convenience, but in the meantime if the traffic officer could see their way clear to chastise any cyclists who choose to scrape alongside it as they veer out of the bike lane then it would be much appreciated...

BamaPhred said...

He could have said Nice Tits on the way by just as easily

Jeb said...

Are those leather bib-short things that all them euro-folk seem to wear while they go about doing their commie stuff, are they ok to ride a bike with? What sort of cattle they made from, rain deer or somthin'?

Anonymous said...

The video didn't display full frame on my tablet device until I made it full screen, so for a while I didn't get the reference. I thought it was the man (?) on the left in a white nurse's uniform and lurid blonde wig -- he (?) appeared to be making masturbatory movements.

That, I feel, is somehow classier than the selfie malfunction.

Now that I think of it, professional cycling is as whitey a sport as swimming. Used to be golf and tennis, too, but they've de-apartheided in recent years. If a cyclist marries a swimmer, you can be certain it's a white supremacist arrangement.

The Portland epileptic might be dyslexic as well. I think we should all be little bit more tolerant... unless they're also Swiss.

Yesterday's Snobby Bloggy didn't have the word Wednesday in the title and I'm still feeling a little uneasy because of the lapse.

Anonymous said...


But she was wearing German colours, so... you know, she's a nazi.

Anonymous said...

Package hook

Spokey said...

the guy trying to set the euro record (yawn anyway) doesn't have a prayer.

I don't see an air spear. chances: none

Spokey said...

ok, so what is a package hook for?

JLRB said...

opening packages without cutting the goods?

JLRB said...

SO bikininini titititis didn't appear to be doing the selfielfie thing - she appeared to be using the phone in the old fashioned talking fashion when hit by the yellow jerseyed gent's elbow - I think he went for some elbow titie to propel his self(ie) up the mount - could be a DQ coming

Orestes Munn said...

I always thought that hook thing on knives was for gutting game, but I'm not a game gutter.

Olle Nilsson said...

Those Swiss socialists, even Billionaires can't get into their good books.

Anonymous said...

One of those road graffiti actually says "Fuck and and your epileptic lights". Nobody else notice that ?

crosspalms said...


Q. What is the purpose of the hook on my Swiss Army knife?
A. It is also called a parcel carrier, in which you put the string of a parcel on the hook instead of your hand to make transportation that much easier

This will not put Peter Pan's mind at ease.

JLRB said...

Alec Ballsdwin Gets Off

"I'm asking for an apology"

"I'd rather pay a fine"

ouabacher said...

What, no Robbie Hunter comments? I thought I must've been reading the Onion.

"When I turned pro 16 years ago I was the first South African. But I mean, a person does their work and becomes good bike rider and all of the sudden no one remembers where you’re from or anything like that,”

McFly said...

In all fairness if Michael Albasini is from Switzerland he may not have ever even seen a black man.

Spokey said...

boy that seems pretty useless.

I was going to say, I don't see opening any packages with this thing. It is not sharp at all.

Here's what I'm talking about

note there is no edge. It is fairly thick

Dave said...

The hook is for tightening up your catgut on your antique wooden Duncan tennis racquet. Everybody knows that.

Another old classic:

The whole world is festering
with unhappy souls
the French hate the Germans,
the Germans hate the Poles,
Italians hate Yugoslavs,
South Africans hate the Dutch,
and I don't like anybody very much.

Spokey said...

and if it for carrying string, then what's that nub thing with the fancy inset

Spokey said...

I decided not to hate anyone. Waste of the few minutes I have left on this planet.

But remember if you decide to invade here, I still have that 12 ga.

Albasini said...


Big Charlie said...


Someone's already got that idea.

Joe K. said...

"...but instead he got all huffy, and there you go."

You never go full Huffy...

BamaPhred said...

Kenyan Riders have a web site,a Twitter account, and Facebook page

Kenyan Riders website

@kenyanriders Twitter

Kenyan Riders Facebook


Victorinox said...

Wild Bill could have used a parcel carrier for his pizza struggles. I wonder if it's old-timey enough for him? I'm sure it would work to tamp down the wadding in your flintlock.

ouabacher said...

Wow I remember that Huffy ad! Love the Martin Mull stache.

Evil Genius said...

Fools!! Parcel carrier?? I think not. It actually can be used to tighten spokes. Try it for yourselves. Mwahh ha ha!

Spokey said...


close. Just tried (really did). It does appear that the gap is in fact the correct width.

Problem 1. The depth of the slot is not enough to keep it from twisting off. Perhaps my ineptitude.

Problem 2. Can't spin it enough. The knife body is stopped by the other other spokes before it can be turned enough to move the tool to the next flat. But I tried it on a rear wheel that is a 48 hole 4x lace so maybe on those wimpy radial jobs, perhaps.

I did try it on a spare spoke (being spokey I gots lots of those lying around) and could tighten the nipple.

Perhaps a real nipple expert (thinking McFly of course) could chime in.

Spokey said...


hmm seems like it's time to gear up for a sprint. Roille up for yeller and centurion on the same day? It's something Nibali can only wet dream about now that tit-elbowing is off the bucket list

at last a simple 176

BamaPhred said...

93 looking for bikini girl to bump into

babble on said...

and counting...

Anonymous said...

Naw, podio kisses from Babs is enough for me. *swoon*

Spokey said...


BamaPhred said...

And there she is

Spokey said...

getting read for the sprint. TIghtening my spokes with the victorinox.

Spokey said...

first gear is alright

second gear hang on tight

third gear outta sight

Spokey said...

100th gear

BamaPhred said...

Tried to give her a nudge but she stuck a clothes lined me. I'm no Nibali

BamaPhred said...

Can't type meant to say she clothes lined me. Congrats to Spokey

Spokey said...


we understood. Get a gawk on the way down at least?

babble on said...

Well done, sir, well done.

Evil Genius said...

Curses! I spoke too soon. Not enough research. However I've got that screw thingy appendage down as the tool for removing valve stems.

Nacnud said...

"I'm pretty sure I know what Knog is going to name their next light now."

The Spazzo?

msw said...

"I speak a little French... he doesn't speak my languages".

Yes, Frenchman Kévin Reza, born in Versailles, near Paris, in France, doesn't understand French. Mmm hmmm.

JLRB said...

Classy pile curation

Spokey said...

wow I'm actually up, got my coffee etc before the quiz appears. The End is Nigh

OTOH robot is pizzed at me again. Gave me a oordsveh supposed

Spokey said...

pile UP on route 440 this morning.

semi serious cyclist said...


I think this is old news you're fully aware of, but NPR was pimping shoaling and salmon in this NPR blog spot. i forget if you mentioned in back in your bloggery about your lingo attribution, but it showed up in my news feed today, so i thought i would let you know your phrases are getting more cred on the internets today.

CommieCanuck said...

Dirty knee , grow?

and Sarah Silverman hates Knickers.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Semi Serious, you can't be even semi-serious...

...two things, he's not credited in the NPR piece... and snob already covered it and slammed them for the wrong definition of shoal... hahaha... a shoal of fish... the twat heard school of fish and confused it with how the brits pronounce schedule.

Velochic said...

Hi there Eben,
I picked up your book Bike Snob Abroad by chance at the library. Great reading. Thanks!
Have you been to China? That's where riding a bike is so everyday it's not a topic for discussion: not a stitch of lycra to be seen. Here in Australia much the same as the US it seems.

Johann said...

African blacks can't cycle. They can run like motherfuckers, especially if he has your TV under his arm.

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