Salmon Spread 'Em!

So Alec Baldwin got arrested on his bike yesterday, but I prefer to make this all about me:

(I, Fredly Adonis.)

Since the invention of the English language back in the late 19th century, many people have used it to write books and poems and articles and stuff.  Some of this stuff is pretty good, too, which is impressive given that English is an ugly language best described as German, only with more lisping and fewer umlauts.  One example of good stuff written in English is "The Charge of the Light Brigade," by Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.

It is so big. [scoff] She looks like,

one of those rap guys' girlfriends.

But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*

They only talk to her, because,

she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?

I mean, her butt, is just so big.

I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,

out there, I mean - gross. Look!

She's just so ... black!

Actually, that wasn't Tennyson.  That was Sir, Mix-A-Lot.

But I digest.

The point is that, in literally decades of writing stuff in English, only a few great literary minds have transcended lame stories about whales and scarlet letters by adding new expressions to the language, thereby changing the very way English is used and forever leaving their verbal body jewelry in this ever-changing tongue.  Here's a short list of writers who have furnished us with indispensable turns of phrase over the years:

William Shakespeare

("This pen smells like ass."--William Shakespeare)

Shakespeare's contributions to English expressions are too numerous to enumerate here:  "Discretion is the better part of valor," "Fast in February, fried in July," "This pen smells like ass"...the list goes on.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

("Half a league onward, / All in the valley of Death..."--Alfie Tennyson)

Tennyson was the first writer in English ever to liken his phallus to a serpent, as he did in "Ulysses" with this metaphor:

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you've got buns, hun

Prior to this, it was customary for male writers to liken their appendages to hedgehogs, which was confusing as well as off-putting.  (As for "buns," many readers mistakenly assume Tennyson is referring to the buttocks, but the fact is he just really liked bread.)

And then there's me:

Wildcat Rock Machine

("It's not that my anaconda don't want none, it's just that this closeout chamois cream I bought from Nashbar is kinda burny."--Wildcat Rock Machine)

Sure, to date I've only contributed one (1) enduring expression to the English language, but it's a doozy.  (H/T to Shakespeare on "doozy.")  So what is it?  Why, it's "salmon," of course!

(Oh, come on, how is that even a thing?)

Sorry, wrong definition, here's the one I invented:

(How the hell is mine only number five?  Who edits this thing?  It's like this "Urban Dictionary" isn't a real dictionary at all!)

But yeah, the point is that I coined the term "salmon" for someone riding against traffic on a bicycle, and I did it exactly five years ago yesterday, on Wednesday, May 13th, 2009:

(Actually, I probably used it a bunch of times before this, but whatever.)

Since then, "salmon" (as both noun and verb) has become common parlance in the cycling community and beyond, to extent that David Byrne even used it in the New York Times back in 2012:

How do I use a bike on a typical day? The other afternoon, I took a break from writing and biked south to Chelsea to get groceries. I rode down the protected bike lane on Ninth Avenue; it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets, though you do have to watch out for salmon-cyclists who ride against the flow of traffic.

The hyphen notwithstanding, that's my word, and the very moment David Byrne--the David Byrne, who doesn't even own a car for chrissake!--used "salmon" in our newspaper of record is the very same moment I should have retired.  I mean really, how much better does it get for a bike blogger?  David Byrne using your word in the Times is like Rob Ford using your pipe in one of his crack-smoking videos.

Yet instead I keep plugging away, hoping in vain that one day something even more exciting happens, like Rob Ford name-checking me in one of his crack-smoking videos.

By the way, read this line again, only out of context and in a Russian accent:

it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets

And tell me it doesn't sound like Vladimir Putin explaining that he now prefers cycling in khakhis to cycling in the nude.

In any case, back to Alec Baldwin, who, on the fifth anniversary of my coinage of the term "salmon," was arrested after police stopped him for salmoning:

Or, if you preferred, he was BUSTED IN NYC FOR ILLEGAL BIKING!!!

Which undoubtedly prompted millions of Americans to ask the following question:

"Were Mr. Baldwin's civil rights violated?"

"Oh my god, was he wearing a helment!?!?"

The answer, of course, is no, condemning him to fry in the electric chair of popular opinion for all eternity.  Moreover, not only wasn't he wearing a helment, but it appears he wasn't even wearing a hat.  Indeed, it looks like he may have been wearing a visor:

Shielding your eyes from the sun yet leaving your scalp exposed to melanoma-triggering ultraviolet rays?  Does this guy have a death wish or what?!?

Anyway, as the inventor of the term "salmon" (have I mentioned that's one of mine?), I'm now dismayed that it's being used to smear and pillory an innocent celebrity:

Oh, come on, get over it.  What did Alec Baldwin ever do to you?  Granted, if you're a paparazzo he may or may not have lobbed a homophobic slur or two your way, but otherwise he's done nothing except act well in movies and be hilarious on TV.  Come on, they arrested the guy!  If he had been a member of the smugerati riding a bamboo bike while wearing shants and an artisanal fanny pack the cycling community would be in an uproar, but because it's some Long Island schlub in a visor all anybody can do is ridicule him.

Jeez, some "bike culture" we are.  Alec Baldwin rides a bike in New York City!  Is he any different from us?  Okay, a little hairier maybe, but if you wax him, does he not wince?  [H/T to Shakespeare again, that guy's a freaking quote factory!]  We should all have his (hairy) back.  Therefore, it shames me deeply to see the word I invented (yep, "salmon," that was all me) used to shame one of our own as he's hauled off to jail.  I invented "salmon" to be our word!  Had Baldwin merely been photographed salmoning I'd have been the first to mock him for it.  Yet the very moment he was molested by the long arm of the law the entire dynamic changed.  It's like continuing to taunt a classmate with "Your momma" jokes* after you find out his mother's in the hospital.

*[Your momma's so hairy she looks like Alec Baldwin in "Miami Blues."]

Also, wasn't wasn't this the day the police were supposed to be busting drivers?

The NYPD says it's cracking down on people who text and drive or fail to stop for pedestrians.

Police announced two 24-hour-long enforcement initiatives this week.

One started at midnight and is in effect all day Tuesday.

The other is in effect all day Friday.

The NYPD urges everyone to yield to pedestrians at crosswalks and put their phones away while driving.

Yeah, I know it sucks, but rest assured that after Friday you'll be able to resume your usual menacing behavior.

Of course, I still find salmoning just as irritating as I did five years ago, but that's just it--it's annoying.  Most cycling violations are, if we're to be honest, little more than annoying.  Sure, some violations are potentially dangerous to the rider and others, but usually they just cause you to swerve a little and curse the rider for being a dick.

In light of this, it would make sense for the police could treat a lot of these violations like the annoyances they are.  Here's an idea: next time the police encounter a salmon, they should just tell him or her to turn around.  Catch and release, it's as simple as that!  If you were salmoning and a cop told you to turn around, wouldn't you just turn around?  Sure you would.

Instead, whenever they stop someone on a bike, it always seems to turn into something like this:

Paybarah, a designer specializing in lettering and typography, told us he was stopped on the morning of March 20th while biking west on Houston past Broadway. He says he was stopped by "Officer Rich" of the 10th Precinct, who was in an undercover cop car, after he (admittedly) ran a red light. Paybarah took out his ID and immediately started taking video as the cop approached him: "After those 10 seconds I was pulled off my bike, pushed up against the metal fence, placed in handcuffs and put into the back seat of the car. Other officers came. They joked saying they were going to 'handcuff my bike to the tree.'"

Certainly in Baldwin's case it wasn't as simple as "he was salmoning so they arrested him," and there was also the question of whether he was being "disorderly," as well as that whole creepy "taking him to the station until they could confirm his identity" thing.  (The police love to do that with cyclists.)  Still, with all the celebrities out there driving drunk and wrecking cars and all the rest of it, it seems a shame to excoriate Baldwin for salmoning, when instead we should be high-fiving him for riding a bike in the first place.

But what do I know?  I'm only the guy who invented the term.