Friday, April 11, 2014

BSNYC Friday Juice Cleanse!

I admit I enjoy giving Specialized a hard time, but I also have to give credit where credit is due, because the Scarlet "S" has now invented a mesh mountain biking midriff bra that reaches near-triathlete levels of sheer dorkiness:

The SWAT line from Specialized was launched last summer. SWAT stands for storage, water, air, tools, and is Specialized’s buzzword for ditching your hydration pack, bento box, and other unsightly accessories. The SWAT clothing system centers around these bib short liners, regular (non-bib) short liners, and a baselayer — all with pockets, so you don’t have to wear a road jersey over it.

So hydration packs and the like are unsightly, but somehow a form-fitting fanny pack is not?

Of course, law enforcement agencies have been using "SWAT" for years, and it stands for "Special Weapons And Tactics."  However, Specialized's lawyers were able to successfully argue that the police can no longer do so, since the acronym contains the word "Special."  Therefore, "SWAT" now applies entirely to Specialized's new off-road Barney corset, and law enforcement will have to make do with a revised acronym:

It stands for "Tactical Weapons And Tactics."

Hey, what do you want?

Specialized didn't give them very much time to rebrand themselves.

Speaking of living in a police state, here in America the surest sign your city is in decline is the presence of both homelessness and bicycles--at least according to this photograph:

Admittedly, bikes are mentioned nowhere in the article, though I did puzzle over this:

“Year by year, our city — which once was a beacon of innovation and opportunity to the world — is becoming less livable,” the report said.

Los Angeles a "beacon of innovation and opportunity?"  When was that exactly?

Meanwhile, while LA crumbles, Manhattan is becoming so prosperous that people are having "status children:"

Yes, the third child is now the "status child," where have you been?  Furthermore:

“Now children don’t have a lot of utilitarian value anymore,” he said. “Kids are like status symbols, or a very expensive pet or hobby.”

By the way, if you're wondering why so few Americans continue using bicycles as transportation into adulthood, it's because even parents with extra kids won't let their offspring ride a three-wheeled plastic scooter on the sidewalk at walking speed without strapping a foam dunce cap to their heads first.

I guarantee you that in ten years full-grown human adults will be wearing helments just to pull their wheeled suitcases through the airport terminal.

Speaking of the future, National Geographic says that Americans will all be beautiful interracial Benetton models by 2050:

Which is a complete load of crap, because everybody knows this is what Americans will look like in 2050:

By the way, that's the "status child."  They already ate the first two.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right wet your pants slightly with excitement, and if you're wrong you'll see grace.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may all your status children be delicious.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Which "Cobbled Classic" will take place this Sunday?

--L'Enfant du Nord
--The 98th Annual Great American Peach Cobbler Bake-Off!

2) What are these?

--"Pedal Pockets"
--Rotor carriers
--Insulated top tube musettes
--SPD-compatible doggie socks

3) What is this?

--The "Helmet Jacket"
--The "Wheel Satchel"
--The "Bike Poncho"
--The "Velo-Leche" Cycling-Specific Sports Nursing Bra

4) What is this?

--An on-the-bike sunglasses holder
--An awesome robotic space insect from the planet Crabon
--A Tridorkian brainfart
--All of the above

5) What does this button do?

--Shifts your rear derailleur
--Emits a 175 decibel blast of deafening sound to alert motorists to your Fredness
--Broadcasts your location via GPS so your spouse can pick you up when you get a flat
--Makes your helment go pee-pee on your head

This change comes at the behest of a well known bike company. According to their lawyers the ALIZE name was too close to one of their trademarked bike names and, as such, we need to stop using it.

6) What was this trademarked brand name?

--No particular brand name, it's just a form letter Specialized sends out to all the other bike companies every six months

7) A moronic Brooklyn community board member actually believes there's a "War on Cars" because he's a moron.


***Special This-Would-Really-Be-Much-More-Useful-On-Adult-Bikes-Themed Bonus Video***

Just imagine having a master switch that could stop all the Freds...


JB said...

Buene Fritag!

smelly butt said...

crotch and boobz

Fred Nifacent said...

toppish 10ish

Serial Retrogrouch said...


Marcel Da Chump said...

Top ten status child

Serial Retrogrouch said...

damned it, google

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Happy Friday.

Anonymous said...

the ocho

Anonymous said...

Top Ten!! Now Off to RIDE!!!!!

Synonomous said...

Browser locked up; podium out of reach again. Time to hit the gravel before it snows. Have a great weekend, Wildcat.

I see reality I just wish it would go away said...

Fuck Yeah Septic Death!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Excellent week, Wildcat!
You were great.

Off to ride Adrienne Barbeau. It's 60 degrees today.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It's raining but at least it's Friday.

dancesonpedals said...

dare I say scranus?

dancesonpedals said...

dare I say scranus?

the Jimboner said...

and Beer.

dancesonpedals said...

dare I say scranus?

dancesonpedals said...

eat a peach

JB said...

LA was actually innovative, back in the day. The civil engineering that Mulholland designed and oversaw to get fresh water to LA is pretty amazing (although the decision by others to undertake this effort could be questioned).

MiniBrake CEO: "With the help of this device, cycling will be fun without any worrys [sic] and without a risk of possible accident."

I'm guessing they don't have a lawyer "on-board" yet. Sheesh. They just grabbed themselves a bakefiets full of liability.

Anonymous said...

It's pronounced scränüs.

Healemenettes are driving me crazy. So is the yearly Festival of the Shoaling o'th'Noobs but that's another story. I just want to tell America: The obsession with safety isn't making you more safe, just more tame. Grow some balls or some uterine fibroids.

By 2050 yeah blow me, what's that, like 36 years from now? Yeah remember how everybody in 1978 was like totally so genetically different and weird-looking compared to today? Meh. On the other hand, by 2500 AD, Americans will be dark-skinned, look slightly Asian-ish, and be wearing hides, i.e. just like before the whites came and briefly fucked things up.

Olle Nilsson said...

Special--Ed's lawyers are going to be busy suing all those companies that have been making that product for years for long distance runners (and stuffilist runners).

JB said...

Roille, stop flouting your umlauting skills.

Lorne said...

MiniBrake, just what any kid needs is some device locking up their rear when they least expect it.Even more fun on gravel and descents.

Anonymous said...

LA is indeed a great case study for all sorts of civil engineering feats JB. The water project you speak of did in fact make LA (a desert) "livable" except you know like literally. It was selling their soul to the automobile (and some of those projects were no less ingenious) that made it the sprawling dystopia it is today.

crosspalms said...

Not just clothing, anybody can do that. A clothing system. Next they'll call it a clothing gruppo.

Blog Drafter said...

Et duo et ünis et rideo.

Anonymous said...

billy crashes his road bike
Nope. Always stay centered unless you ride fixed gear and need to keep that pedal off the ground. The forces will be better balanced, your stability throughout the turn will be much better and the distribution of traction will be more even. It also puts less strain on the bike as there will be no bending loads. Front to back, with no braking most of your weight should be put on the bottom bracket. I think Sheldon Brown should have an article on that.

los_angeles_is_pants said...

Los Angeles in decline???? Hahaha!!!

Ok, for sure, entertainment production has left the city. No question about that. But the entertainment business is still huge and tech sector is growing.

a committee of lawyers, developers, labor leaders and former elected officials who make up something of the Old Guard here.

It's another union-busting rant by the 1% that have run the city for a couple of generations now. They are unhappy they don't get dedicated lanes for themselves to speed effortlessly from downtown to the sea. I tell you this mass transit business is communism!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"On the other hand, by 2500 AD, Americans will be dark-skinned, look slightly Asian-ish, and be wearing hides, i.e. just like before the whites came and briefly fucked things up."

I like that Roille. Circle of life.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

....Sir Snob.... you have an uncanny way of making one barf at smugness on and off the bike.

...going home to make a status child now.

dancesonpedals said...

I figure that in the future we'll all be running around in the rain in LA and speaking a funny slang language like BLADE RUNNER...I designed your the director's wife take pleasure from the snake....if i could afford a real snake would i be working in a place like this...christ deckar, you look worse than that skin job on the sidewalk...good evening jr..did you ever take that voigt-compt test bad she can't live...but who does...all these memories will be lost, like tears in a rainfall

Makeout said...

I will now have a smoke & a third cup of coffee.

jodphoto said...

When your kid goes over the handlebars because a twitchy parent unexpectedly pushes the button on the MiniBrake, Then what? I guess they should bundle them with the air bag helmet. This kid will reach his dork quota by age 8 and never have sex until age 42.

balls™ said...

Status child? Maybe we should limit the number of kids. Then, allow people to buy the privilege of extra kids. Or, better yet- there could be a lottery system for having children at all...

We could breed for luck.

Status child?!?!?

(I wish I'd pulled that snark out of my own scranus)

Anonymous said...

What about when you're 23 and start asking questions like "Mom was I an accident?" and your mom's like "No honey, you were our status child."

JB said...

Status-child parade photo: "I have the wealth to support all of the organisms you see here!

Mr Plow said...

I will never give up my bento box.

Anonymous said...

Is it a little weird that the MiniBrake's is a...bear? Oh, I get it, a pedo(l)bear!

Anonymous said...

You spend allot of money on your cars and bikes."

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

My Status Child lives in Laurel Canyon and I'm headed there Thursday for a visit.
I'll report back on the decline and fall of LA.

JLRB said...

"wanton steed-hitching"


JLRB said...

Status children are nothing - real status is a third nut or nipple said...

I'm a Twat and i shall be suing anybody that claims otherwise.

McFly said...

I love kids. They are delicious. No status child for us. I had my vas defference ectomied and it was a vast difference. You still got to do the occasional money shot for status' sake.

JLRB said...

Specialazzed ass hydrator

Do I understand that hideous thing is actually integrated with cycling underpanties?

dancesonpedals said...

An integrated fanny pack sounds so mom-jeans

RoadQueen said...

Puppies and Sunshine. What a post.

JB said...

"in the winter, the water is warmed by scranus heat"

I'm off for my nice-weather-afternoon constitutional. Meaning: I'm walking to 7-11, AYHSMB.

Anonymous said...

Geez - just what we need - something to make the average cyclist more dorky looking than he already is. Remember aero bars for weekend riders? Remember those horrible flags on the back of the bike so you wouldn't be run over? Remember all the stupid idiotic bike fades over the ages (crabon) that were designed to separate a cyclist from his money? Specialized should be ashamed.


JB said...

Hey anyone know what a Cut 13" Frame is? Seriously. For scale, the wheels are 26".

Anonymous said...

A friend said you should have 3 kids, that way if you lose one at the mall the remaining 2 still have a buddy. He was ahead of his time or not a very good parent.

Anonymous said...

A third kid is good for spare parts.

dancsonpedals said...

Friday with extra scranus.


CommieCanuck said...

Great scientific news guys, Women are now redundant. Expect a lot more low cost upskirt and upnose porn.


comentatorbot_9374 said...

Status-child parade photo: "I have the wealth to support all of the organisms you see here!

It's worse than that. Every conversation about the child is a status test. "Is your child at Marbury??? Mine got accepted two years early..." Not kidding.

Well done JB.

Sinyard will be suing smaller companies in the bike industry for IP infringement on their revolutionary " storage system embedded in clothing for athletic activity". Not kidding.

Anonymous said...

N ot K i dd ing

JB said...

commentatorbot_9374: Yes on the status test. I have 2 little urchins. That # is based upon how long it took me to figure out what was going on.

Anonymous said...


Sdingda NEW

xyxax said...

Isn't this weekend's gobbled classic the Lawn Fair Dinner?

buster hymen said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Fre Uncio said...

Well good, those are my favorite parts anyway.

Anonymous said...

_ A |D\
\ / \ /| D A A A
_ \ / \ \ / | D \ / \ / \ / \
\ \ / \ \ /|D/ V V V

Anonymous said...

No? How about

_           |D
 \   / \   /| D
_ \ / \ \ / | D
 \ \ / \ \ /|D
  L_V   L_V

Anonymous said...

All right I give up. But it was awesome.

Anonymous said...

I need a mini brake that will fit on the wife's wine bottles.

Regular guy said...

I learned one thing this week and it wasn't on the quiz.

Re: Wednesday's post.

When using a Fly6, adjust the camera mount location to ensure your seatpack zipper yabbies are not visible in the video.

I was just in L.A. on Tuesday and Wednesday. Don't nobody worry, it seemed just as unlivable to me as it did the last time I was there 10 years ago.

Anonymous said...

JB, that is a Gary Fisher Mullet. They made an even uglier version.

dancesonpedals said...

anonymous at 5:14

I know a brilliant urologist who can correct that hypospadias

lubricating isovioc

ce said...

Jörs Trüüli on expedition finding his cached cheese doodles

Twat Waffle said...

I think if you're a regular visitor who is able to read for comprehension, you can do pretty well on the quiz without cramming.

Blade Runner on Earth said...

In LA not long ago and the traffic didn't move. Just like it didn't move the time I was there before that. Tired of gridlock? Think a bike is an alternative? Think again, you'll be deader than a door nail in no time the way frustrated drivers drive out there. Oh yeah, and the smog looks like a fog bank.

Anonymous said...

Am I mistaken or did he call a small crescent wrench an Allen key?

Grump said...

The MiniBrake could be used to teach a kid to not ride out into the street by just attaching it to the front wheel. A few endos and the kid will stick to the sidewalks and bike paths.

McFly said...


Bogusboy said...

Because I'm a complete fucking idiot who's blabbering on the phone instead of watching my child, he's going to get hit by a car.
But wait! With Minibrake, I can avert impending disaster without even dropping my call! Thank you, Minibrake!
In sixty years on this planet I've seen some amazingly lame shit, but this....

Olle Nilsson said...

That Peter Sagan is pretty crafty, coming up with the mini brake. Still, does anyone really believe it's for children's bikes? Should make for some interesting sprint finishes. See if you can spot it on his competitor's bikes. His English is really improving too.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobs,

While it is usually ridiculous to helment a child on a scooter, have you seen how fast those euro "micro" scooters can go? The kid in the nyt is on one and they can definitely outrun even a young fast footed parent.

Anonymous said...

I like how in the crash photo the wife spectator is terrified and her husband is happily smiling at the carnage.

The New Nuclear Family said...

If my first two children couldn't break the stoopid Minibrake then I'd slap them up the side of the head. But my status child I'd never slap as I always want him looking his best. He's already been accepted into Harvard doncha know?

Anonymous said...

Stop the freds
douche the head
bottle butt
mall coffee
special iz ed
pictures more

Anonymous said...

Y'es I got all the answers right on the quiz ! I guess that is the double shot flavored gel on top of listening to & cumming twice (in a five minute span) while watching Caleb Moreton( can't a girl love hung gay men,yES THEY CAN)!!!. I am such a lucky ducky

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

Informative, nice work.

babble on said...

Me, too! I'm lucky as fuck. But DAMN! I stopped short of the status child... what was I thinking?

Anonymous said...

No status child? Probably cause of that stupid little bird on your window sill. You know the species. The swallow.

Anonymous said...

Snob, SPECIALIZED is apparently not immune to litigation either. They were recently forced to change a model name from CARVE to CRAVE. ANy thoughts?

Holy Roller said...

Anon @ 6:35. You're sort of weird, even for this crowd. Your play on words doesn't really work that well at all though one can discern how you're trying to be witty. Just think, what would Jesus post. I'll pray for you.

Peyronie's said...

-------\ \
\ \
\ \
\ \
\ |
-- /

Hey! It still works!

Peyronie's said...

Gol-durn formatting -- with leading spaces that was a fine rendition of a


I'm trying to raise awareness, but I'm not quite ready for the knuckle tat.

Peyronie's said...

Gol-durn formatting -- with leading spaces that was a fine rendition of a


I'm trying to raise awareness, but I'm not quite ready for the knuckle tat.

Peyronie's said...

Gol-durn formatting -- with leading spaces that was a fine rendition of a


I'm trying to raise awareness, but I'm not quite ready for the knuckle tat.

Peyronie's said...

Sorry for the triple! -- captcha kept claiming incorrect transcription.

Lather, rinse, repeat ...

McFly said...

Specialized has just filed the formal paperwork to TM the name Niki Terpstra. Their first order of business will be to sue the living crap out of Niki Terpstra and take his cobble.

leroy said...

Great. Just great.

My dog read your post.

Now he claims he's a status child and wants to borrow the car.

But only after I get a better car. He has a status to maintain.

David Pearce said...

Dear Snob,

You'd think for the video of the MiniBrake in action, they could actually use a rear wheel that was trued up and / or a tire that was seated correctly.

That wobble is really horrendous, and makes me distrust the whole thing even more.

Washington, D.C.

Kolarian hopeanep said...

Septic fucking Death

Anonymous said...

Setting up WIWM.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th! Thanks for the leadout.

Barnaby said...

Disappointed that there was no Azazel/allez reference

Olle Nilsson said...

McFly, he rides a Special--Ed. By default, they get all his winnings. Cause how else would he be able to win if not for the awesome Sinyardship built into that plastic?

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