It's Wednesday All Over Your Face!

Bonjour.

Parlez-vous français, motherfucker?

(Trick photography makes this livre look like a giant Francophonic monolith, which it's not.)

Moi neither, but you can get my book in the French now from Marabout, presumably wherever books, baguettes, and berets are sold.

Moving on, here in New York City we're going to elect a new mayor soon.  Republican Joe Lhota says the best pizza is Grimaldi's:

(Lhota mimes cradling an ugly baby and/or stuffing his face.)

While Democrat Bill de Blasio says it's di Fara:

(De Blasio mimes bringing a delicious slice of pizza into his pie hole from the side.)

As for me, I say who gives a shit?  Firstly, botha 'yas look like you could stand to lay off the pizza for a little while.  Secondly, only an asshole waits on line for two hours for a fucking pizza.  Thirdly, pizza nerds are right up there with the most annoying people on the planet, and I put them on an equal plane with bike dorks, vinyl enthusiasts, and "street art connoisseurs."

What I do know is that Lhota intends to keep the current police commissioner, Ray Kelly, who recently announced that the official NYPD policy is to throw up its hands and give up when it comes to drivers who kill:

 “We do have 8.4 million people here. We do have a daytime population that’s over 10 million people, so you’re going to have a lot of traffic. And you’re going to have accidents.”

“We’ve worked closely with Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan; I think they’re doing a great job,” Kelly said, mispronouncing his fellow commissioner’s name as “Sadiki-Khan.”

Kelly defended NYPD crash investigation procedures and the partial reforms enacted last spring, but when it comes to cracking down on reckless drivers, the commissioner said there was little police could do. “Many of the advocates, and I assume you are one of them, want us to make these determinations when we haven’t observed the violation,” Kelly said. “It takes in-depth examination of a violation. It takes witnesses. It is much more complex than you might think.”

I mean, we all knew it, but it's still creepy to hear him actually say it.  So yeah, if you're wondering why the guy who ran over five schoolkids on the sidewalk on video hasn't gotten in any trouble, it's because the case is apparently too complex to crack.

I do actually like Lhota's "don't really give a fuck" riding style though, as forwarded to me by Leroy's dog's owner.

As for de Blasio, his policy is "Vision Zero," which sounds good on paper:

(Thinking about pizza.)

Though while I've heard his opinions on pizza I haven't heard much out of him on all the unprosecuted pedestrian deaths recently.  (And there have been a shitload.)  I'm sure he's afraid of alienating the drivers before election time.  He did, however, share his thoughts about bicycle commuting on Reddit:

TinkTailSold 

Hi, Mr. de Blasio.
If elected, will you ever bike to work?

deBlasio 

Unfortunately not, but let me tell you a story and I'll explain why I give you that answer. In 1990, I was in Seattle with my brother Steven, and we both bought mountain bikes, and we went on an amazing bike trip through western Montana, which is a really beautiful place… best seen by bike. Then I brought my bike back to Brooklyn, and although there were a few years when the kids were younger when I used it a lot, in recent years I almost never have used my bike. That's the sad truth. So I don't think it's likely I'll be using it to get to work, although I really appreciate and admire people that do, And I want to make it easier for people who do.

Oy.  He put his foot in his mouth there like it was a slice from di Fara's:

("Bikes: They're great in Montana.")

We are so fucked.

But let's turn away from all this negativity, at least for a moment.  Did you know today is a holiday?  No, not "Simchat Torah."  That's not even a real thing, silly!  It's my favorite day of the year, Messenger Appreciation Day!!!

In 1991, a mayoral proclamation decreed that October 9 of every year would be Messenger Appreciation Day in San Francisco. October 9 is “10-9″ in radio code and means “Say again” or “What?” 10-9 Day is celebrated informally all over the world. In 1997 Toronto joined San Francisco in celebrating Messenger Appreciation Day with a joint proclamation from the City of Toronto and Metro Toronto.

10-9 Day has been proclamied or recognized by Calgary, Chicago (proclamation), Edmonton, Portland, SanFrancisco, Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver , Houston and Washington DC.

San Francisco, huh?  Does that mean they'll take a break from totally screwing cyclists today?  (San Francisco wants to be New York so badly it's pathetic.)  By the way, if you don't know what a bike messenger is because it's the year 2013, here's a short documentary to get you acquainted with the concept:



If that's still not driving it home for you, just imagine a living, breathing smartphone "app" that will gladly live on your couch for three months if you let it.

Anyway, here's how to observe this auspicious day:

--Hug a messenger.  I know they're scary looking, but they love hugs.
--If you can't find a messenger in your city because they're obsolete, hug a food delivery person.  If all the food delivery people in your city use cars, just go to a café in your city's trendiest neighborhood and kick a "fakenger" in the groin;
--Refrain from sending PDF attachments.  Every time you send a PDF attachment a messenger gets one less bong hit;
--Round up the kids like it's Christmas morning and smash the shit out of a fax machine;

(If you're unfamiliar with the concept of the fax machine, it was a crude device that was basically an analog PDF.)

--If your workplace lets you use messengers, messenger stuff gratuitously.  Obviously there's almost nothing that actually requires messengering anymore, so you can always just send blank paper, pens, or your stapler to your friend across town.  Also, remember: messengers get paid more for oversize items, so if you can get away with it, steal all the toilet paper from your office bathroom and messenger it to your home.  #OccupyBathroom
--If your workplace doesn't let you use messengers, you can always lure one to your workplace and give him or her a gift.  The best way to do this is by placing a fake Craigslist Missed Connection.  Here's the general template you can follow:

To the HOT messenger outside the lobby of [your work address here] - w4m - 28 (Midtown)

You had sleeve tattoos and one of those bags with a seat belt for a strap and you did that scissor-kick thing when you dismounted your bike.  When you did it your nuts slipped out through the hole in your crotch and it really turned me on.  I have a pickup for you, so please come to [your floor here] and make a premium rush to my vagina.

Dozens of messengers (all males, alas) should arrive within 20 to 30 minutes, at which point you should present them all with gifts.  Don't worry, you won't have to break the bank!  Good gifts for messengers include:

--Canned beer;
--Those ambiguous cellophane-wrapped fig cookies they sell in the delis;
--Those coily plastic arm band things so they can wear their u-lock keys on their biceps;
--Cat food (they all have cats);
--Obamacare;
--Crest teeth whitening strips

Lastly, here are some Messenger Fun Facts:

--The typical bike messenger now derives 95% of his income from feature film stunt work and energy drink sponsorship, delivering only one (1) package a year to qualify as a "working messenger" for international competitions;
--Bike messengers wear pro team kit way more egregiously than Freds, but nobody gives them crap for it;
--It is said in the Book of Proverbs, "As a dog returneth unto its vomit, so does Hollywood returneth unto the bike messenger..."


I mean seriously, have we learned nothing?

[Unrelated to bike messengers but related to the theme song, remember when everything had to have funk in it?]

Lastly, here's a dramatic "Craigslist Bicycle Ride Along:"


Now I know why every other person in Brooklyn is riding a 20 year-old Cannondale that looks like it came out of a time capsule.