This Just In: I'm Off AGAIN What Kind Of Lousy Blog Is This!?!

See this date?

Sorry, let me try that again.

See this date?

Goddamn it!  Piece of crap Apple computer.  Yeah, I got your "keynote" right here.  [Indicates "KuKu Pentouse."]

Okay, see this date?

Probably not, but it's Monday, September 23rd, 2013.  This date is important because, after this post, I'm not posting again until then.  Why?  Because I can't.  Why can't I?  Because none of your business.  Isn't it a ripoff that I'm taking off after just having taken off to go to Australia?  No, the blog's free, you schnorrer, so how can that be a ripoff?  Anyway, according to the blogging thingy I use this is my 1,504th post, and at something like a thousand words a post that's over a million and a half words already (or closer to half a million if you don't count the word "scranus" or its derivatives) so you have plenty of free bullshit to read in my absence.

So yeah, I'll see you again on the 23rd.

In the meantime, yesterday we had a primary erection in New York City, and the big winner was mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio--who, as it happens, was pretty much the only candidate who was unequivocally pro-bike lane and anti-people-getting-run-over.  (Even though at first he really wasn't.)  I guess that's a good thing, though I guess we'll find out if he's really able or inclined to do anything about it if he ultimately gets elected, which we don't know if he will, since there may still be a "runoff" before the general erection, and erection runoff can be extremely unpredictable.   

And the big loser, of course, was Anthony "I'm Going To Have a Bunch of Ribbon-Cuttings Tearing Out Your Fucking Bike Lanes" Weiner, who concluded his campaign by giving everyone the finger:

That guy is going to snap very soon and in a big way, and to be honest it really scares me.

Anyway, for now it's just more of the same as far as bikes are concerned:

The driver rolled down his window and called her a, “Stupid bitch!” My friend, who was understandably angry, responded by smearing some of her blood on his windshield. The driver then stormed of out his car and punched her in the face. Not once, but twice.

His license plate number was GRC1130, and it was handed over to the police.

But that was more than a week ago, and the NYPD still hasn’t done anything. And that’s the reason why I’m posting this…

Disgusting.  Whatever happened to decency?  When I run over a cyclist and he or she smears blood on my windshield in protest I just give it a spritz with the wipers and get on with my life.  

Maybe the driver was out of washer fluid.

Fortunately, we've got plenty of whimsical David Byrne bike racks to ease the pain:

Between Byrne's nonsensical phrases and KAWS's ditzy shapes and colors, visiting Brooklyn is increasingly like entering the bedroom of a five year-old:

(No sleep 'til Brooklyn bedtime!)

I guess that would explain those new signs:

Speaking of Brooklyn, in its ongoing quest to emulate Portland in all things it played host to a handmade bike show recently.  Here's Gizmodo's coverage, which provides compelling insight into how stupid most people are about bikes:

Mark

Wow, this is a perfect example of why my gizmodo reading time has declined steadily over the past year. My apologies to "Nick Stango", but your knowledge of bicycles and what makes them special or unique is non-existent. I am so sick and tired of single speed bicycle owners claiming that they know something about the sport, it's equipment, etc. Your comments on "GEARED" bicycles reveal that you are not a cyclist, and never will be even if you slept on your "fixie", period. Your comments on the frame with the ISP are also mis-informed and the design of the seatmast in question is a bad one. I'll be frank here: your bike is most likely a piece of crap. Most fixies are. Here is a picture of a real bike (mine):

Note the German-A fork, Extralite crank, stem and brake levers. This MTB weighs well under 20lbs. Also, my apologies to the craftsmen of the show being reported on, it's not their fault Gizmodo sent a non-subject matter expert to cover your show.

Yesterday 8:40am

Hilarious.  I daresay Mark would make the most irritating riding partner in the world--more so even than this guy (via Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market) who actually needs to pay people to ride with him:

Portland Road Racer looking for ride guide - $20 (honey run & table mtn)

I am a Cat 3 roadie from Portland, and I will be passing through Chico this coming weekend. On Saturday, I would like to connect the honey run and table mountain rides, and would like some company in the form of someone who is fit and knows this route WELL, and can ride a steady, 180-200w pace for 80ish miles. I will throw $20 bucks your way and buy you a beer at the end.

There's nothing sadder than an amateur bike racer scrounging around on Craigslist for his wattage fix like a crackhead checking the cushions for loose change.  He also provides a picture of his bike so you know it's cool enough to 69 with yours outside the café:

Anyway, if you live in the area, are able to tolerate both Cat 3s and people from Portland (yikes), and you want to make $20 the Fredly way be sure to drop him a line.

And with that, I'm disappearing until Monday, September 23rd.  Thank you for reading, ride safe, and may the six-fingered lobster eternally bless you.  Amen.

XOXO,

--Wildcat Rock Machine