Thursday, June 27, 2013

When Baguettes Are Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Carry Baguettes

Incredibly, the cycling world continues to gear up for the Tour de France with a straight face, and [honestly, who can keep track at this point]-time winner Alberto Contador says he's "at 90 percent:"


Wow, I wonder how he'll get to 100%:


Don't skimp on the "A.1.," Bertie.

As far as I'm concerned, the last honest rider was Jean Robic, shown here worshipping the Great Lobster On High, as forwarded by a reader:


Not that he didn't dope, because he totally did, but because he donated all the proceeds from his "Playgirl" shoot to charity:


By the way, I had no idea Robic had such a formidable list of nicknames until I looked him up on Wikipedia and learned that he answered (and by "answered" I mean "head-butted you in the teeth") to any one of the following:

The hobgoblin of the Brittany moor
(Le farfadet de la lande Bretonne)
Leather-head (tĂȘte de cuir)
Kid goat (Biquet)

Yeesh.  That reads like the filmography of an expressionist horror film director.  Really, only Bradley Wiggins's sobriquets can rival Robic's in sheer evocativeness:


The Mod-goblin of West London
Bowl-Cut Bradley
Cuntzalcuatl
Noel and Liam Gallagher's Chimeric Twin
Cock, Frock, and Two Hairy Sideburns

But of course Wiggins isn't defending his Tour de France title this year because like his knee hurts or something, and honestly I can't blame him.  It seems clear to me after all these doping scandals that the only sensible approach to being a Tour de France champion is the "one and done" approach.  Seriously, just take the money and run, because coming back to win it again is like returning to the scene of the crime.  The more times you win the more urine samples they have to pore over, and they're way into examining vintage urine these days.  I mean, this guy didn't even win the Tour and they're going through his pee-pee from 15 years ago:


But don't be too hard on him, because, as he puts it, “I can’t firmly say that I’ve never taken anything illegal."

Coincidentally, at this moment, I also can't firmly say that I'm wearing pants.


As I finally passed her (we were almost off the bridge) my daughter snapped those pics with my phone. I was in the left turn-only lane waiting for the arrow when she pulled up and got off the Citi Bike to walk it across the intersection. Curious to see if she was a bike activist, I called out, "Did you do that on purpose?" She looked at me abashed and said "No, that was a total accident. It's my first time across the bridge."

Oopsie!  Having ridden over the Brooklyn Bridge many, many times myself, this seems to me like a really, really difficult mistake to make:


Then again, tourist traffic on the bridge has reached the point that maybe someone who's confused and high on the undeniable excitement of riding a Citi Bike might just assume the bike path is for pedestrians only.

As for whether it was appropriate for some guy to take her picture and send it into a website, that's a matter of debate.  One thing's for sure though, which is that the guy missed a lucrative opportunity to sell her the Brooklyn Bridge, because I don't doubt for a minute that she'd have bought it on the spot had he offered.

Then again, riding over the car lane on the Brooklyn Bridge is arguably safer than following the letter of the law, because Gothamist also reports that a cyclist was rear-ended while waiting at a red light:

This a$$hole was texting as he rolled threw a red light intersection and ran over a guy just sitting on his bike waiting for the light. PLEASE HELP US CATCH THIS GUY...

I tried to block his car with my bike, but he came out and almost accosted both of us. he was too big for us to handle...He sped off with his half way pregnant partner.

You can be halfway pregnant?

Anyway, just for fun, I looked up the driver's license plate on the NYC website (someone posted the plate number in the comments) and the driver has a shitload of unpaid parking tickets:

Interestingly, the make of car on the tickets doesn't match the make of car in the photo, which could mean any number of things, from the witnesses getting the number wrong to the driver engaging in some sort of "switcheroo."  Either way, if only the police were able to somehow use a license plate number to look up someone's address and then bring a driver to justice for running into somebody and then driving away, then maybe then the streets would be a safer place.

Oh well, too bad that's never gonna happen.

By the way, I've often looked up license plates after negative encounters with drivers, and usually the driver has a shitload of parking tickets.  Consequently, I've come up with a crazy theory, which is that people who park illegally all the time and then don't pay their tickets aren't responsible enough to drive cars, but of course you'll never see the police cracking down on that.  Instead, they crack down on cyclists who avoid riding on cobblestones:

Clarkson Street is a major exit off of the West Side Greenway for cyclists heading to points east. It’s also a place where one will find a lot of cyclists riding on the sidewalk, for reasons I’ll outline below. The question I have is this: is conducting a ticket sting at this location an effective use of limited NYPD resources? As is evident in the picture above, there are no businesses that face the street. Pedestrian traffic is very light to the point of not even existing at some hours. Does ticketing cyclists in this location do anything to enhance public safety?

Having often exited the Greenway here I can't blame people for riding on the sidewalk.  I mean, I always ride on the cobblestones, but that's only because I'm really a Fred at heart and get a big Fred boner whenever I see cobbles.  However, a normal, sensible person would clearly avoid this section of street for all the reasons listed in the post, because it is a fucking mess.

In "fairness" to the NYPD though, they actually ticket motorists exactly the same way.  Basically, what they do is find some spot where drivers are breaking the law because they really can't help it (some fucked-up turn lane or merge where traffic gets so backed up it's nearly impossible to be in the correct lane) and they just walk on down the line ticketing drivers like they're making their way through a buffet.

Otherwise, if you're in a car, you can pretty much whip around town doing whatever the fuck you want.

Meanwhile, I've just this very moment learned from Twitter that riding a bicycle in New York City is officially illegal:


Yes, you've long suspected it, but now they're coming right out and saying it:


Incidentally, that's the same street in the above-mentioned "crackdown" post, so it looks like it won't be long before the city has this "riding bicycle" problem licked once and for all.

Lastly, speaking of Fred boners, why not portage yours in a "Baguette Bag," as forwarded by another reader?

About Baguette Bag:

There’s something special about purchasing a fresh baguette while it’s still crispy and warm. The CYAN's Baguette Bag guarantees your trip home from the bakery will never be the same. Made especially for the baguette fans, the Baguette Bag protects the fluffy loaf while keeping your hands free. Place your just purchased bread into this stylish accessory and sling it over your shoulder – now you can bike or walk and carry other groceries in your hands without damaging the baguette. And if you're empty-handed, you can always keep your hands free while walking instead of worrying about protecting the loaf.

All You Haters Protect My Fluffy Loaf.

95 comments:

ChamoisJuice said...

In your face (^_^)

Dooshie said...

Wiggo

mikeweb said...

Ooops!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

toppish tenish

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

mmm steak

Tetanus the Clown said...

top ten

P. Bateman said...

more like faguette

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten again!

Flyover bike commuter said...

The pack is slow today. Yesterday, there were seven comments within 42 seconds of the post.

Comment deleted said...

Skinny, pale legs. But not totally unsexy.

Yes, I'm talking about RTMS.

mikeweb said...

I usually exit the Bike path at Morton St. a few blocks farther south. It also has cobbles for ample Fred-bonerage.

thegock said...

BAGG MANN

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

it's true about ticketing blitzen and motor vehicles... at the intersection of riverside drive and 95 street, they give out tickets at the rate of 1 per 5 min, or as quickly as the office can ride around the block to get back to his hideout.

i also saw three cops on foot two days ago at the exit of the willieburg bridge in manhattan just signaling red-light-hoppers to the side.

money money, money money money

Jimboner said...

My fluffy loaf is usually dispatched to the septic tank by about 6:30 am.

Freddy Murcks said...

Baguette bag or dildo bag? The choice is yours. The model looks like she might be leaning towards dildo.

scduryn cretals

Yarpo said...

Bust out the Chimicurri sauce!

i won't move, I'll...Immiste still

ChamoisJuice said...

BAGU ETTE

RoadQueen said...

Hey, it's almost FRIDAY!!!!!

streepo said...

Hands free coverage of my fluffy loaf? Sign me up!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Baguette about it.

Vegas said...

The early worm gets eaten.

offacidi justice
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O, have you been programmed to satisfy the urges of humans?

Anonymous said...

DOOD!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i wonder if they can make a foot long 'loaf protector'.

It's not for me, Leroy's dog was inquiring for a friend... and he didn't say if it's a present for Leroy.

Anonymous said...

It's all about protecting the loaf. That is actually a good band name

Anonymous said...

I'm here visiting the land of Cuntzalcuatl and the meh is palpable.

Can't get the damn Boris bike station to work... oh well, it's bound to start raining any minute.


ryinglaz fhall

indeed.

Anonymous said...

baguette of realitah

Anonymous said...

Thanks, again RCT for the heads up on the TdF program last night. I would have missed it and watched House Hunters International instead.
They are showing last years' TdF in the morning on that channel. Got to see Wiggo and the podium girls this am.

Yarpo said...

A Baguette Bag? Really? Fuuuuuuuuck Meeeeeeee...

Leather Head.

Anonymous said...

I haven't heard from you New Yorkers yet about watching the fireworks from the hotel rooftop or the pier, so I'm going to make an executive decision soon.
I count on you guys for advice.

Yarpo said...

Oh yeah, Chimichurri, not Chimicurri...I wan't me some steak...maybe I'll ride much, much, much, faster...

Anonymous said...

Oh!
Finger Bang!

Matt said...

The TdF may be all drug cheating sociopaths riding for Belgian septic tank cleaning firms, but I do love me some chateau porn.

Commumbl great

mikeweb said...

Sorry DB,

Which hotel again? Actually any hotel roof sounds like a little more 'civilized' way to do it. Assuming they don't have a big building next door blocking 70% of the view.

McFly said...

Baby-Girl and I rode our bikes to the store to pick up some catfood and used the sidewalk during some of our transit.

She ran over a darting baby bunny on accident. I thought it was ironic, here we are trying to care for one animal while we mangle another.

The circle of life is so mysterious.

BUNY TRAX

Matt said...

Here's the Next Big Thing: The Growler Cage!

That'll be great, ride to a picnic on a warm summer's eve, over some Fred-bonery cobblestones to avoid the policemen, pull the growler from the cage, pop it open and have it splooge half a gallon of 87 degree yeasty beer all over you and your date. Once the foam settles, it'll be about the same volume of beer as a regular can of Coors Light.

wealtsR Kirton

babble on said...

I'm a lover, not a hater. :)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

DB Yeah I stumbled onto that last night by accident. It was a very cool program. I flipped the tv on this morning and found last years stage 17 going. so I watched that before work. Getting me in the mood for this years tour de dope. Like matt says I'm just in it for the castle porn. That and I like to watch the peloton from the helicopter cam. It's mesmerizing like a school of fish or a flock of birds acting in unison.

ChamoisJuice said...

This post sucked. I want a refund. No yiddish. No recumbabe. Noone gives a shit about road racers, unless they have a funny name or their wife has huge tits.

Something to brighten your day

leroy said...

I concede today.

My dog asked me why I never wrote anything as funny as "Cock, frock, and two hairy sideburns."

Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

dnk said...

Never mind the absurd title of offense "riding bicycle" on that ticket ----- note that the line directly above ("In Violation Of") references Section 407. Am I reading that correctly? Google it: Section 407 of the NY penal code is about meetings of LLCs being conducted without legal notice.

Or something. I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV. What I do know is that a few months ago I got one of those dumb-ass tickets from NYPD: a red ticket, which meant that it was a criminal offense (rather than a yellow ticket traffic offense), which meant that I was supposed to go to court. My offense was Section 240.20.7, ie "disorderly conduct" --- I'm not even sure what it meant; I was riding my bike at the time and not being disorderly (the cops "got" me at where South 4th meets the BQE underpass). In my case, two days before my court date I received a letter from the department of justice saying that charges have been dismissed and there is no further information.

So go figure. But I really wonder why the hell they are handing out tickets for violating section 407. If anyone has a legal mind, I'd love to hear about it....

ken e. said...

i'm a skater, not a berater.
or if you'e an artist (small "a", thank you),
i'm a kuler, not a drooler.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Heh heh...
cock, frock, and two hairy sideburns...
fuck yer funny, snobber doodle doo. :D

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Mikeweb:
McKittrick Hotel on W 27th has a deal, 75$ for food, entertainment and cash bar.
Thinking it may be more comfortable for my wife than standing around the Greenway for six hours.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The hobgoblin of the Brittany moor; "Tiny guy, blond curls crimped under a string-of-sausages helment, gnarled face and Mr Punch hooked chin and nose."

Sounds like a Grimms fairy tale.

Thanks for the history lesson snobbie. Aside from Wiggo's mutton chops those old time TdF were real characters.

babble on said...

I'm preparing for the TdF by channeling Beryl Burton every chance I get. Gonna do it again, too, soon as the next sucker-hole in the clouds appears.

That woman could ride.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I always liked that one story of the TdF rider who carried his bike half way down the col to the next village where he commandeered the blacksmith's shop and forged himself a new crank arm or somthing.

Those were the days.

The Other Anonymous said...

This SNL skit is growing whiskers but still worth another look. (Actually the skit is more relevant than ever!!)

Ne marchez pas sur votre baguette!

Dee Dee said...

Here in Bellingham, WA, the cops will actually stop and let a cyclist cross a street. They might even wave at you. Of course, we just legalized weed so maybe there's a correlation.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

SIDE BURN
PANT LESS
BAGU ETTE
WARM LOAF
FRED BONE
HALF PREG

Bountiful harvest today.

Anonymous said...

Decision made, Mikeweb. The rooftop sold out so we made reservations at the Pier.
Thanks!

Anonymous said...

We are supposed to "take the lane" but in my basin it is sometimes possible to see 1/2 mile ahead on a sidewalk with no pedestrians in sight. If traffic is heavy with no bike lane the sidewalk is the best bet if I am alert for blind driveways. I pull to the side of the sidewalk and stop if I encounter a pedestrian walking in my direction. Alternatively, I can ride onto the grass 'parking strip" and roll around walkers. Riding on the sidewalk is legal accept in the designated Business District.

Anonymous said...

Last night, about 11,30 pm i was riding back home with a friend. We took a one way street (the wrong way) and rode on the sidewalk since a garbage truck almost hit us just 30 sec. before. This is 11:30 pm, no people on the sidewalk, industrial area, just dust, glass and potholes.

As soon as we got on the sidewalk, an undercover police car followed us (going the wrong way on a one way street) and told us to stop.

I am usually calm talking to these people, but this time I lost my temper and told them this is ridiculous, and to go ahead and give me a ticket because i will not pay it.

While we are waiting, a number of speeding, honking and doing whatever cars went by.

After 30+ minutes and two back up cars called on the scene, they finally got out the car and give us the summons. I did not say anything and just kept riding on the sidewalk.

Hand clap to the idiots that run this city and make it every day less livable.

City bike go to hell (and it will, as soon as it gets cold and bike will start creaking).

It was really a pleasure to ride before bike lanes.

please remove them > reduce number of summer riders and we will not get idiotic tickets anymore.




Meh de Tour said...

The chateau helicopter shots are the only reason to watch the TdFrauders. Oh yeah; and the podium babes, totally off the scale foxes.

Dooth said...

For this year's Tour, I have to remember to bang the chamber maid by the window when the helicopter flies by my chateaux. I'll wave at ya.

Mario said...

I could see riding on the sidewalk if the street was completely under repair, but just trying to avoid cobblestones?!? Pay yer fine, nancy.
Thank god DC is still dangerous enough that our cops have no time to hand out cycling tickets. Also, we ticket the fuck out of car drivers who run lights or drive too fast because of our dope new cameras.. Even got a budget surplus because of it. Plus, our bikeshare is just as shitty as everyone else'. Take that, fucking Copenhagen!

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 1:58: telling the cops that you won't pay the ticket ruins their day, and also keeps them from sleeping soundly that night.

Anonymous said...

2011 Vuelta had the most beautiful podium babe with the sweetest smile ever.

Just saying.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:58pm,

So just you and a few other people should be riding bikes?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

archers of loaf?

Anonymous said...

I prefer my baguette bag magenta, yellow or black. Cyan is so yesterday.

PhilboydStunge said...

Cuntzalcuatl? CF&2HSbs? Pick a new nickname for me too Snobby, OK? Engineer of Time, Not a Robot, Fluffy White Loaf, whatever. I'll renounce this lame-o one I already have. I'll give up that other one about falling headlong into too. Come on.

Anonymous said...

Nice raque on Mme. Robic.

Not so for the baguette mannequin.

I like

curvature deragl

Bike Tinker said...

I have a baguette peg on my top tube. Some people prefer the baguette on the seatstay, to keep it out of the way, but it gets kind of dirty.

crosspalms said...

Coming soon: bags for round loaves and bandoliers for dinner rolls.

ad soundtrack by sinreki rock

Anonymous said...

i'll be right back, i gotta go pinch a loaf!

Stinky cheese-eating priapic frog said...

Holy beret, lots of french stuff in todays post...

First things first, that "baguette bag" is totally ĂŒberdouchy. Everybody knows a baguette has to be carried under one´s arm. No deo please, that´s part of the taste. It´s a french thing, after all.

Secondly, L. Jalabert... Monsieur Jalabert was first known as a pure sprinter, then became an all-arounder, to finally end his career as a climber/grand Tour contender.
Monsieur Jalabert was also until last summer TdF commentator for France2 (french public TV), causing quite some outrage amongst those who knew about the peloton´s EPO habits in the 90´s. He had to resign for this job 3 days ago.

And finally, when being asked 3 days ago about his EPO doping, monsieur Jalabert answered: " I can´t say it´s false, I can´t say it´s true" ( http://www.liberation.fr/sports/2013/06/24/jalabert-positif-a-l-epo-en-1998-selon-l-equipe_913483 )

I do hope some of you cycling enthousiasts will enjoy my country´s sceneries for the coming 3 weeks, these are not fake.

Bonjour chez vous!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Enjoy the country's scenery? I hear that the entire TdF is shot on a soundstage in a grimy southwest London industrial park, just like the Apollo moon landing.

Anonymous said...

The heads-up on the Clarkson St. ticket trap is "news I can use". Thanks.

Stinky cheese-eating priapic frog said...

@ monsieur recumbent conspiracy theorist

It was EugĂšne Christophe
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eug%C3%A8ne_Christophe

Drew Levitt said...

I love bikes, and I love bread, but the Baguette Bag is all wrong. Instead, let us remember these words of wisdom from Sheldon Brown: "In France, exposed brake cables remained popular longer than elsewhere, because French cyclists sometimes like to transport baguettes home from the boulangerie by resting them crosswise across the brake hoods. The cables help hold the loaves in position."

Now that's expert portaging.

CommieCanuck said...

Mais oui, and Christophe went on to design the first toe clips.

Lance Armstrong has patents on two syringe designs and several new suppositories.

Reminds me of the days as a kid when I could not afford pedals, so my Dad bolted my ankles directly onto the cranks. Tell that to kids today, ...they'll never believe you. Cunts.

CommieCanuck said...

Does the Baguette bag come in 2X size for..uh..dark rye?

Anonymous said...

Is halfway pregnant what happens to women who try to procreate with a man with a Fred boner? They are, after all, only the ratio of potential vs. delusion, correct?

Andy Keller said...

This was a supreme post, I love the comments too. I have a book by Brian Bruns who is a humor writer and it's about RAGBRAI, it's hilarious. Called Rumble Yell...if you want a great cycling laugh then this is your play!There are too many laughs in this book about cyclists and other people thast it's perfect reading as a prequel to the Tour! http://www.briandavidbruns.com/BDB/Rumble.html

Anonymous said...

Continued from last post:
Perhaps the girlfriend was half way pregnant because they were engaged in coitus while driving, which they completed after speeding away from the scene. Later, the act resulted in full blown pregnancy.
That might explain why the dude was "too big for us to handle"

Anonymous said...

Hey Commie,

In High School French mumble-mumble years ago I once said "Mais oui" to the teacher who told me in no uncertain terms that was incorrect usage and never said. "Mais no" was frequently used, but never "Mais oui." Last year I went to France and was in Paris all of 2 minutes before I hear someone say "Mais oui".

If you happen to see my French teacher can you tell her she was wrong?

Merci

ETF said...


"Stupid Part Deux"

Video: Motorcyclist Caught Texting While Riding - Asphalt & Rubber

www.asphaltandrubber.com/news/motorcyclist-caught-texting

This guy doesn't know you can get a device to place a cell phone or smart phone on motorcycle AND bicycle handlebars.


Anonymous said...

And further to Christophe, wasn't penalized because he outside assistance when someone pumped the forge bellows for him.

Cheater.

babble on said...

Ah fuck.
Sucker hole - 1
Sucker - 0

you win, sucker hole, you win.

Rode hard and put away wet's the way of the day.

And can you believe it?
mons wethenur

CommieCanuck said...

French teachers are one step above Walmart greeters.

Young Rob Ford learning French

Comment deleted said...

Shee-it, Commie; are you saying Robs Fords are still mayors?

babble on said...

Sad, but true.

Anonymous said...

That baguette bag is so lame. Hasn't anybody seen Elliot Erwitt's famous photo of a man in a beret cycling away from the camera down a picturesque street, with a boy sitting behind him on the bike and looking back at the camera, and a baguette bungie-corded to the bike?

Here's a link.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.doubledoubleu.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/french-boy-bike-baguette-elliott-erwitt.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.doubledoubleu.com/?attachment_id%3D12152&h=479&w=385&sz=56&tbnid=fMpdHFbiyG2-WM:&tbnh=97&tbnw=78&zoom=1&usg=__NabMLWcgEAiVW1RMorMgXuklu3c=&docid=i_WqESoqn7GVfM&sa=X&ei=7M_MUc2kGKmqiQKJiIDwAw&ved=0CC4Q9QEwAA&dur=6548

Anonymous said...

Lately, we've had a similar problem in Montreal:

The Police is giving lots of tickets to cyclists for ridiculous reasons.

FĂčor example, they hide, then jump in front of you and give you a ticket for each reflector light missing on your bike.

So, if you don't have reflector lights on your pedals, you can get four tickets.

Stupid police. Now the cyclists stopped using the bike lanes because it's where the police set up their ticket traps.

The city, and the powerful bike lobby had to intervene to stop this mess.

The police backed down a little bit. As they say now, they recentered their 'awareness campaign' on dangerous cycling behaviors.

Idiotic robot police.


(sieve kitsnia)

Anonymous said...

I can say I'm firm, and not wearing pants.

ce said...

[Insert profanity riddled semi-coherent rant]

Stuart said...

The baguette girl is super cute and she isn't wearing any pants either. I hope this is a new trend.

McFly said...

Yeah at first glance I thought she was laying in a field with no panties with a dildo case beside her and then I was like Oh yeah that's right I am a total pervert.

Lafayette said...

CommunistRatFinkInCanada at 5:56: "French teachers are one step above Walmart greeters."

I'm a french teacher and I'm giving your post an "F", and I don't mean the letter of the alphabet.

CommieCanuck said...

Any French teacher I've ever had has been PFU.

The guy who gunned down Anthony Smith, one of the gang members pictured with Rob Ford, plead to a reduced charge of manslaughter, no trial. Apparently, in the drive-by shooting, he didn't mean to kill Smith with his gun, just hurt him a little.
Seems strange..until you realize that by pleading to the much lesser charge, any VIDEO evidence that involves Robs Fords obtained by police is now sealed and will never see the light of day. coincidence, surely.

Toronto Police are fucking corrupt. You should see how the lazy cunts do bike patrols -they coast downhill towards the lake, then take the subway back uptown.
MMDO NUTS

Unknown said...

You guys allow it to be quite simple for all your folks available.
electric bicycles

tai bigone said...

Tetanus the Clown said... manh tuong . tai tien canh