Friday, June 7, 2013

BSNYC Friday Cloacal Kiss!

Bikes: Dorothy Rabinowitz and the "majority of citizens" she represents may hate them and think they ruin the neighborhood, but the people who are paying shitloads of money for New York City apartments actually consider bike share an amenity, as reported by the New York Times:

For some New Yorkers, there could be no happier activity on a spring afternoon in Manhattan than a leisurely bike ride. Actually owning a bicycle — the initial costs, the flat tires, the bruised shins that come from hoisting a bike up into storage — can detract from the charm. But what if your apartment building eliminated these hassles?

I'd really like to know how these people are bruising their shins while attempting to put a bike in storage.  Are they trying to punt it into the crawlspace?

Meanwhile, unrelated to anything, did you know ducks have massive fusilli wangs?

For a strange sexual history, it’s hard to beat birds. In some lineages, bird penises have evolved to spectacular lengths. Ducks, for example, have corkscrew-shaped penises that can grow as long as their entire body. They use their baroque genitalia to deliver sperm to female reproductive tracts that are also corkscrew-shaped — but twisted in the opposite direction.

Act all aloof if you want, but the phrase "baroque genitalia" made my day.

And don't pretend you don't want to see that duck dork:

(Long duck dong.)

Unfortunately though, the same dumbasses who want commercials during "Sesame Street" also don't want scientists spending our money to study bird junk:

Research on the sex life of birds has come under fire from critics who claim that it’s unimportant and a waste of federal money, particularly in times of lean spending. In April the criticism from Fox News and conservative pundits became so intense that Patricia Brennan, an expert on bird genitalia at the University of Massachusetts, wrote an essay for Slate defending the value of her research.

This is ridiculous.  Studying bird schvontzes is important.  Picture this: intelligent life from elsewhere in the universe finally deigns to visit us, and the President of the United States is giving them a tour of what remains of our nation's natural beauty.  Strolling by a pond, the Hermaphroditic King/Queen of the Aliens notes some ducks and remarks, "Beautiful animals.  What can you tell me about their genitals and how they reproduce?"

"Well, I, uh, the thing is we don't know much about ducks because we didn't want to spend the money to study them.  We think they come from eggs but that's about all we know at this point.  Anyway, can I interest you in purchasing a firearm and shooting one?  Guns are only minimally regulated here."

"Wow, you people are fucking retarded," the Hermaphroditic King/Queen of the Aliens will reply before s/he and his/her retinue all reproduce exponentially by mitosis, eradicate humankind in disgust, and take over the planet.

Look, it's important to understand the world around you, much more so than it is to be able to shoot at it.  Did you know this?  I didn't:

Male birds that lack a penis have an opening known as a cloaca. To mate, a male bird presses his cloaca against a female’s, so that his sperm can flow into her body. Scientists have a poetic name for this act: the cloacal kiss.

That's right, now I know some birds make more birds by rubbing their vaginas and manginas together, and I'm a better person for it.

In any case, I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said, "A society is only as great as its knowledge of animal genitals."

Lastly, via Streetsblog, Citi Bike has made the "Daily Show:"


And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see the woman who represents the majority of citizens.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may all your kisses be cloacal.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) What is this?

--A bell
--A belll
--A handlebar-mounted Pez dispenser
--The new Apple secret decoder iRing

2) What is this?

--Outlier's new $75 linen towel
--Rapha's new $125 "Feed Zone" dinner napkin
--An artisanal dhoti
--A ceremonial Scarlet Shroud of Shame with which the Hasidim of Brooklyn forcibly cover the menstruating hipster women who venture into their neighborhood

3) The ShamanCycle is:

--"Balanced but not overly confident in extreme situations"
--"A giant 10-person eagle bicycle with beautiful metal wings and flaming eyeballs"
--A human-powered sweatlodge set to debut at Portland's Pedalpalooza
--A ceremonial Scarlet Shroud of Shame with which the Shamans of Park Slope forcibly cover the menstruating hipster women who venture into their neighborhood

(This guy is amazed by socks.)

4) People in Portland actually think sock stores are amazing.


5) Fill In the Blank: Dorothy Rabinowitz believes New York City's best neighborhoods have been "________" by Citi Bike.


(Kickstarter entrepreneur fingerbangs his star-fangled nut.)

6) This Kickstarter project is going to revolutionize:

(He's all begrimed.)

7) Fill In The Blank: "While in this nearly frozen state, the ____’s heart stops beating completely, its lungs cease working, and its brain activity is almost unmeasurable."

--Dorothy Rabinowitz

***Special Cringeworthy Person-Who-Watches-Way-Too-Much-E!-Channel-And-Her-Friends-Are-Too-Nice-To-Tell-Her-She's-Not-Funny Bonus Video!***


ChamoisJuice said...


Anonymous said...

i will share my bike with you!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


balls™ said...


Anonymous said...

cloacal KISS

Anonymous said...

Ballin, full on.

Anonymous said...

in bocca al lupo tutti!

The Monkey Handler said...

Humm, duck, yumm

Perry said...

If it's not baroque, don't fix it.

Serial Retrogrouch said...


Anonymous said...

Ooh just outside, not going to bother.


balls™ said...

This NYC bike-share backlash really has me wondering if drivers actually do hate me when they see me out on my bike.


ChamoisJuice said...

Weed storage top cap already exists in a clean, flush look.

Fuck steeter tube goiters.

Comment deleted said...

"Keep that bitch in the air. That's how you do a Citibike!"

As always, TDS cuts right through the bullshit, kinda like Snobby.

CommieCanuck said...

15th...damned Citi Bike.

Blog Drafter said...

I can't believe I read the word dhoti in a bike blog...awesome, Snob. Damn, you get around.

Anonymous said...

Oooh! Definitely Top XX

3G said...


Dot Rabinowitz said...

...and another thing, the crunching sound a cyclist makes while being run over by my town car begrimes my ears, and my driver has to hose off the blood on the tires for 20 minutes. We didn't have these problems when I was growing up in New York with my Dandy Horse.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Cloacallly grown.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i feel all begrimed now...
jon's piece was hi-larious... dorothy must be turning in her grave.

Anonymous said...

the daily show fucking nailed it. awesome.

Comment deleted said...

Mia is the fey, crypto-fascist-liberal version of Dottie.

If I get any more "I've got mine, stop begriming it with your populist transit alternative" bullshit this week, I'm going to lose it.

(which would probably consist of blurting out "twatwaffle" at some undeserving local soccer mom).

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Pretty cool old vintage Bridgestone Joel's got there.

McFly said...

Got Baroke Genitalia? Get you some Cialis. All day strong. All day long.

I'm the reason that she walks that way.

Comment deleted said...

Fun, old-timey-back-in-the-dies-Latin fact: cloaca means "sewer".

How'd we like it if science had decided to call our (admittedly lacking in corkscrew-ness) center of male thought the latin word for "slime hose"?

crosspalms said...

Obviously we need a Kickstarter for duck genital research so we can lift the dead hand of government off it. Private enterprise (Long Duck Dong LLC?) has been itching to get into this lucrative field, with a view to teaching ducks how to open wine bottles.

Anonymous said...

Stick THAT in your treasure box.

Anonymous said...

mia in a minute, took 1:50
from my life!!

mikeweb said...

I finally figured out who Dottie copied her hairstyle from.

Not to mention her dreadfully unoriginal societal ideas.

Which were in turn, copied from other ideas.

Daffy Duck said...

I've worked with a lot of wise-quackers, but you are dethpsicable!

wle said...

that lionfire shaman guy
nice aviator 70s specs dude
very spiritual

wle said...

that's "Long Duk Dong:
Last of the Hollywood Stereotypes? "

Mar 24, 2008 – He was comic relief in a slapstick movie — and to many, one of Hollywood's most offensive Asian stereotypes.

to you


mikeweb said...

And Mia copied her schtick from Andy Rooney, but not before douchifying it. And making it a lot more stupid.

crosspalms said...

The bike rack placement in that first photo is intriguing. I'd hit more than my shins if I lived there.

That shaman looks kind of like how I picture bikesgonewild.

Mia takes almost 2 minutes to cover her minute.

Jon Webb said...

That is the happiest duck I ever saw.

McFly said...

I may be wrong but it apprears that Penelope Crabtree has some Incognito Big-Ass Knockers which are my paersonal FAVE of all the variety of knockers.

She can bruise my shins with those puppies any ol' day of the week.

Except Tuesday. That's taco night and I cannot miss it.

crosspalms said...

Is that really Nietzsche or a cleverly Photoshopped Rollie Fingers?

I think there's some
wslatork mummery
going on

Newt said...

I visited YouTube just to give that Mia gal a "thumbs down." I'm retired, so I have time on my hands [also, I was outraged by her nonsensical rational and glib comments].

mikeweb said...


I think the only logical explanation is that Rollie Fingers actually is Nietzsche, and is of course a vampire, which explains the eternal life thing.

Goose dick? said...

Can I get a duck dick wine bottle opener from Hammacher Schlemmer?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I'd like to begrime Mia by giving her a coacal facial.

DerZoots said...

It's friday and I can't hear any of the audio on the videos because worky computors haz no speaking speaker devices.


Says the robo-detector!!!!!!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


Buffalo Bill said...

Wait, don't tell me, Mia is Dorothy's fashion consultant. Amiright?

Comment deleted said...

Are there really, as Louis CK claims, barrels of duck vaginae* in Chinatown?

*(Or more properly, cloacae, I suppose).

DB - add another thing to your checklist.

the Commentariat said...

That cloaca to cloaca rubbing is called "scissoring" to us porn aficionados.

Extra Good said...

leroy said...

Thank you Mia for demonstrating that being funny isn't as easy as it looks.

Just sayin'.

Everybody else -- ride joyously all!

Comment deleted said...

Damn, Commentariat, I'm not one to judge, but duck porn?

Rule 43 is verified once more. Actually, Extra Good has already verified this in the case of full-frontal duck schvantz.

And...I'm done talking about duck genitals for today.

babble on said...

OMG I love you, Snob. Once again you made my day.

I finally figured out how the term screwing came about... my question is this: did the person who invented it actually fuck a duck?

Anonymous said...

"Singing songs like 'The Man I Love' or 'Porgy' is no more work than sitting down and eating Chinese roast duck, and I love roast duck."

-Billie Holiday

ChamoisJuice said...

Acceptable Tandem

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that "Mia" is Danny DeVito. Is that from Funny or Die?

Surly Bastard said...

Mia In A Minute brings her big bowl of crazy to the party.

Anonymous said...

Hey Babs,

I think it must have been the other way 'round.

CommieCanuck said...

I finally figured out how the term screwing came about... my question is this: did the person who invented it actually fuck a duck?

..and does the male duck spin around while in the act? I'm so out of touch since Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom" went off the air. Marlon Perkins would have sent Jim Fowler to fuck a duck, while he waited in safety behind that bush.

Anonymous said...



Dooth said...

*Little known fact*,,,Dorothy Rabinowitz is an expert on baroquen genitalia.

babble on said...

Pantpantpant... finally... pantpant

Saved by the Rack!

babble on said...

Hey! I have a treasure box, too. It likes to be cockwalloped.

Anonymous said...

Ha, even Rollie's 'stache is another idea stolen from Nietzche. But Nietzsche's slider was total shit. They called him "Home Run Friedrich" back in the day. An unmitigated disaster on the mound.

Speaking of mounds: Babs! Those injections really work hey?

Key words of the "Two-Wheeled Amenity" article: happier, leisurely, charm /vs./ costs, bruised, hoisting, hassles

Quite a polarized view of a thing. Imagine getting that worked-up over your vacuum cleaner. How about "unremarkable, useful, what's for dinner."

The bruised shins are probably from trying to goose-step right alongside the bike like the Nazis all bikers are. Fucking Nazi bikers.

He fucking always spells athlete wrong, but he's still

our achlete

Comment deleted said...

Hey Frilly! Long time no bump. Happy Friday.

Babs, I still can't comment directly on your blog for some reason (but nobody else seems to have that problem). Anyway, really enjoyed the flight down to the beach, and the tender fart/love story.

BamaPhred said...

Lantern Rouge
Can't touch this today.
I would only begrime Snob's work.
Enjoy weekend
I'm time travelling to ecuidr hurdlow

Donald D. said...

Frilly Tush, Frilly Tush, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Nothing could be finer than staring at Frilly's Tush in the morning.

No Nina sightings, kidnapped by a gang of barista's I bet.

Over at Babbleville on her blog a few months ago, I think it was, she posted a picture of herself riding a bike with a basket on the front, and if memory serves me right, I think there was a "Canadian Goose" in it. Geese are way bigger than ducks, if you catch my drift.

babble on said...

Thank you!

That was a tender heart/nuclear fart story... !

and yes, prolotherapy really works. Yesterday is the second time I've had it done on the nerves instead of the joints, but the results on the joints are undeniable. I use the less expensive option, with the vitamins, b12 and procaine, and that typically takes two or three sessions before the results are permanent. My first treatment gave results which lasted for over two years before I needed a booster. You can also do the same thing with your own platelets, and while it is more expensive, it is also more effective, so most people only need one treatment.

Dooth said...

I always thought baroque genitalia was a result of being pussy whipped, until I met Dorothy Rabinowitz, ball buster extraordinaire.

StartledPanther said...


Anonymous said...

I may look into that since my knee sucks lately.

Anonymous said...

Not in the good way.

And with that I have

achieved cinest

Jimboner said...

Whoa...hit the Friday weed early and just listened to Cowgirl in the Sand 6 times in a row, time to go outside and look around.

ce said...

For Mia to ever be funny I think she first needs to do some study at, wait for it, The School of Hard Knock Knock Jokes.

Oh yeah!

I went there. Man, were the final exams hard! For example:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Duck who?

I told you to duck! Now you've gone and copped a corkscrew cock to the eye!

Anonymous said...

Frilly! Where have you been?
Have some Fred race here in Galena this weekend, criterium and road race. Of course, we're expecting rain later tomorrow.
Have a good weekend everyone.

Anonymous said...

Everybody at the University of Iowa looked like LionFire the Shaman when I went there.
I was a biology major and learned all about cloacas, but this was the first time I've heard the word since my vertebrate biology final. Thanks for the memories, Snob.

Comment deleted said...

That's "cloacae", DB. You oughter know!

Damn, just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in!

ng said...

love how during Mia's clip, at the 1 min mark, when she starts to rant about the lack of helmets, there's a guy taking a bike out of the rack behind her...wearing a helmet.

leroy said...

My dog asked me if I wanted to hear a dumb knock, knock joke.

I said sure.

He said, okay, you start.

I just don't get him sometimes.

Scott in Seattle said...

I feel sorry for that "Mia in a Minute" girl. Yes, she is dumb, but she is clearly a failed comedian with like 5 videos with a combined 300 views. As far as I can tell, the only comments she has recieved are Bike Snob readers saying nasty things to her. Only, for all she knows they could be from strangers who just think she sucks. It's one thing to take on powerful figures like Dorothy Rabinowitz, whose media power spreads far and wide. It is another thing to crush an unknown woman, whose uninformed opinions no one listens to anyway, and whose dreams of being a comedian have clearly already been crushed. It would be more in keeping with the conventions of literary warfare if someone would contact her, and let her know that she isn't being attacked for personal but for political reasons. I mean, she doesn't seem to be a die-hard bike hater, but probably has just been misinformed by the likes of the Post and the WSJ.

Anonymous said...

Comment Deleted:
You are right. Got into to the Stella Artois tonight and messed up the grammar.
That's why they didn't let's into the Iowa Writers Workshop.

Anonymous said...

speaking of duck dorks

babble on said...

With a nick knack patty-whack,
give yer dog a bone.

Knock knock jokes
should stay at home.

babble on said...

Actually, I howled at that one. Make sure it's a meaty, juicy bone.

Oh! And please do ask him how the Druid revolution came off last week, K?

April @ Fitegg said...

A leisure bike ride in Manhattan would be a great way to relax and be fit. Yep the shin bruises will definitely be part of the whole deal I guess.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dammit, I forgot there was a quiz today. (Plus the tyranny of standardized schpelling!)

~Rex Horatio Cohasave

Socrates said...

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

babble on said...

Socrates - yes! We must think from the end. What kind of world would you like to live in?

babble on said...

Yes. Astonishing.

Anonymous said...

Mia prefers the Citibikes to be paisley or polka dot...that's her idea of good taste. And she has a problem with the bike rack design, but offers no design of her own, just names a couple of has-been fashion designers. She's also not the prettiest of ladies. But thinks she's hot enough to stick her face in the camera; made me puke in a minute.

Anonymous said...

double dingus on you

McFly said...

Headed to Ben Hawes for a MTB excursion tomorrow day. Ever heard of it? Owensboro KY. I hear its BMXey.

Anonymous said...

McFly, start a BikeSnob Tennessee blog.

Anonymous said...

To Bike Snob:

Good luck with the bikeshare in NYC! Just watch out for this - if this could happen in Canada, imagine what NYers could come up with!

Socrates said...

E.O. Wilson, the biologist, thinks this should be a Millennium for restoring nature.
Paolo Soleri thought that we should be living in dense, three dimensional cities that could be traversed with-out motor vehicles. People could use vehicles for travel or recreation but everyday destinations would be accessible by foot or elevator. Shrink the human footprint.

babble on said...

Wilson is right. It will be a millennium for restoring nature one way or the other, whether we decide to do it for ourselves, or whether nature takes care of itself following our untimely demise as a species. And if we do choose to be present in the next millennium the only way we will make it is if we build those big, dense, beautiful,sustainable, liveable cities Soleri and other visionaries dream of.

Yeah Snogger! said...

CitiBike/Forrest Bike

McFly said...

Drove 2 hours. Rode one 8 mile super rad lap. Sky darkened and it rained like a motherfucker. Still better than work. The end.

wishiwasmerckx said...


McFly said...

I dont think the cute thing on the left is into it, Balke.

ce said...

I'd read Bike Snob Tennessee.

Kilpatrick said...

You've got to write about this:

why? because there a woman from Brooklyn with a quote about NYC:
“I just don’t see this becoming the new Amsterdam,” said 32-year-old Brooklynite Kym Chamber.

The author does not note any irony

Alvin said...

This is cool!