Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Bangkok: I Spent A Week There One Wednesday...

Amid all the insane anti-bike rantings it's all too easy to forget that the the downright zaniest form of bicycle-related prose is the review, as I remembered while reading this one:


Actually, for a bike review it wasn't all that zany--apart from this:

Balanced but not overly confident in extreme situations

Are they talking about a bicycle or someone who's applying for a position with the Secret Service?  How exactly does a bicycle lack confidence?  I suppose it can be less than confidence-inspiring, but then again, as Desmond Tutu or Ronald Reagan or somebody like that once said, "If you're a wuss you're a wuss," and no amount of bicycle is going to change that.

Meanwhile, the Wall Street Jernel is now tempering its anti-bike blather with what it thinks is subtlety, and instead of getting some crazy old bat to ramble on about totalitarianism and "begriming," they're now implying we should all shut up because at least we don't have it as bad as Bangkok:


'

Though the only thing I took away from the article was this:

When Mr. Surong protested, the motorcycle driver got angry. "I heard his friends shout, 'punch him! punch him!'" Mr. Surong recalls. Then the man kicked his bike. Mr. Surong shouted "I will remember you," and rode off.

The next time I have a negative encounter with a motorist I will raise an index finger skyward, cry out, "I will remember you!," and disappear into the night.

But enough about bikes.  Let's talk about towels.  Have you ever thought to yourself, "Sure, my towel may be balanced, but it's just not overly confident in extreme situations"?  Of course you haven't.  Nevertheless, Outlier, the company who makes bike-friendly clothing for the sorts of people who read design blogs, have officially announced a designer towel that you'll be proud to swing between your legs and floss your taint with:


So here's the problem with your current towel--you know, the problem that didn't exist in your mind until they made it up:

The problem with towels today is that they're either fat, fluffy sand magnets or skimpy, stinky microfiber rags. We wanted a towel made from a material that not only felt and performed great, but also packed away clean and compact. We found the answer in a grid woven linen and like magic, a product was born. The Grid Linen Towel.

Grid Linen Towel?  If you say that fast it kinda sounds like "Grundle Towel."

Anyway, the big selling point of this towel seems to be that it doesn't get sandy at the beach, which is indeed a huge problem if you can't be bothered to take the three seconds to shake yours off before returning it to your beach bag.  Then again, take a look at the typical Outlier customer:


I'm guessing what happened was he went out to Rockaway, failed to take note of the wind direction before shaking out his towel, and then got beaten up by one of the locals.  Thus, the inspiration for the Grundle Towel was born.

So how much for this piece of functional art?  Well, it's $75 for the large, but you can leave it to your progeny:

As much as we love high tech fabrics, here at Outlier we start our searches in the history books. We found a surprising answer in the form of linen. Linen has the remarkable ability to absorb moisture while remaining dry to the touch. It is also one of nature's strongest fibers; it gets softer and softer over time and when treated properly can be handed down through generations.

Here are the words I plan to speak on my deathbed:

"Son, I want you to have my Grundle Towel.  Treat it properly.  Maybe one day you too can hand it down to your son, and eventually it will bear the 'frumunda' of a thousand generations."

Then, suddenly, I will sit bolt upright, point my index finger skyward, and cry out, "I will remember you!" before finally expiring.

Oh, also, you'll need a compatible washing machine:

A note on handling linen properly:
Linen has many times the lateral strength of cotton, which is why it was once used to make ropes; however it is significantly less flexible. In day-to-day use this doesn't make much difference, but in certain conditions, particularly those found in top loading washing machines, it can become a problem. So wash yours in a front loading washer on a gentle cycle and you should be all good.

So yeah, if you have a top-loader at home you'll have to replace that.  Maybe the Grundle Towel should also come with a Maytag discount coupon.  Also, hopefully the gentle cycle is sufficent to remove the skid marks from your Grundle Towel after you use it to vigorously dry your ass:


(He's getting way in there, you can tell.)

This is going to be the bestest and most foppish summer ever.

But how will your friends and you and your payload of fancy towels get to the beach?  Well, by ShamanCycle, of course!  So what is a ShamanCycle, anyway?  Why, it's "a giant 10-person eagle bicycle with beautiful metal wings and flaming eyeballs:" 



Also, shamans are messengers--but not the trendy kind who model Outlier clothing:

"Shamans are messengers.  We unite the human and the spirit worlds."

Though sometimes the spirit world is uncommunicative, which is when they use computers:


Of course, everybody has a job on the ShamanCycle, and the most coveted one is opening and closing the tail feather:


Meanwhile, the hardest job is crafting lines like this:

"The shaman cycle is a monument to the reality of the imagination and the medicine power of big art."


It's also the final "loogie" on the grave of the Native American culture, which has been officially reduced to three food co-op members tickling each other with feathers in a Park Slope backyard:

(I have no idea if these people are actually from Park Slope, but for the purposes of this blog, they are.)

This is the ceremony you're supposed to perform when you're refinancing your brownstone:


As for the concept behind the ShamanCycle, well:

"The idea for the ShamanCycle came to me in a dream:"


Having a dream about something doesn't mean you should do it in real life.  Actually, it usually means the opposite.  You know that dream where you show up for jury duty naked?  Well, you're not actually supposed to do it, nor should you launch a Kickstarter to build a gigantic 12 person jury box bakfiets--even if a "beautiful eagle" tells you to:

"A beautiful eagle came to me with an axle in her claws and said, 'Phoebe?  Build a bicycle for your people.'"

By "your people" I assume she means the people of Park Slope, a noble tribe called 'The Subaru' who are as powerful in numbers as they are of wallet.

"'I will shield them from the sun with my wings, and my flashing eyes will search the land for where my eagle medicine health is needed.'"

Oh, also, you gotta ride it naked:



Looks like somebody needs a Grundle Towel.

114 comments:

Anonymous said...

Biebers monkey is vito

ChamoisJuice said...

HERRO, sexy man! You look like James Bond!

Comment deleted said...

What have you done to Recumbabe? My eyes!

Anonymous said...

Top something woot woot

dnk said...

Dottie Rabinowitz is Rob Ford's crack dealer!

Anonymous said...

Please don't squeeze the Shaman.

Perry said...

Hey, hey we're the ass monkeees, people say we ass monkey around, but we're too busy singin' to put anybody down.

Anonymous said...

awwww, shit.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Sham cycle.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

straw mats are like 6 bucks and they keep my towel dry and sand free.

I LOVE MY STRAW MAT!

rochacha said...

Podium, ass monkey scranus taint

mikeweb said...

Stopped to read first. Now going back to Shamanize the links.

leroy said...

You know, "a towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchiker can have."

3G said...

Next time, I have GOT to remember my EPO.

Anonymous said...

You begrimed Recumbabe...shame on you!

Lob is not mocked!!

leroy said...

Hunh. Misspelled hitchhiker. Color me Dotty Rabinowitz.

mikeweb said...

So, the Trek Fuel "...can get nervous in the most furious trail situations, but there’s very little it won’t deal with."

What. The. Fuck. Is this thing like 'The Dude' of bikes or something?

mikeweb said...

Check that. The Fuel is obviously the Walter Sobchak of mountain bikes.

Cloc said...

Top 13!

DerZoots said...

Top Twoonty?!?!?!?!?!?


Problem with 12 person eagle bicycle.

BICYCLES HAVE TWO FUCKING WHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Robo-not-I-be-check: original riuvera

etherhuffer said...

Gruntle.

leroy said...

And I think Outlier overlooked the real problem with towels.

mikeweb said...

"Pedal power is energy created by people pedaling"

Mind. Blown.

Dave said...

Aww, shoot! Already the hammock recumbent has been eclipsed as the Apotheosis of Dorkitude. Oh well - here's a good song to sing while riding our ShamanCycle naked, soaring above the begrimed city and all those petty problems:

And Windy has stormy eyes
That flash at the sound of lies
And Windy has wings to fly
Above the clouds (above the clouds)

and so forth.

DerZoots said...

Jeah
TOP TWOONTY an shit.

Fucken A week may be turning around.
Nah that lazy emily will surely fuck up remainder of week. Although fat entitled sales girl had to finally take responsibility for one of her fuck ups.
Yes daddy is rich.
Yes you have the job because he invested in the company.
Which is why you HAVE to do your job properly. Don't waste daddies money now......oh wait that's why you're fat.

I see the error in my logic now.

Sadness.

Robo-no-fukwitme: Whatsde face

Anonymous said...

I once bought a working motorcycle for about what that douchewaffle towel is going for.

Olle Nilsson said...

It's a Trek mountain bike, so yeah, maybe the potential buyer is applying for a job with Peloton One. Maybe Dubya requires his posse to ride Treks too.

@rural_14 said...

Rural 1st!
Can we combine the Shaman girl and the towel?

crosspalms said...

I'm confused. Is Dottie the new portfolio tool? I'm not feeling overly confident in this extreme situation.

crosspalms said...

And props to Dot for riding naked, but where are the other 11 people and the giant eagle's head?

Anonymous said...

Sham Wow

The King of Park Slope said...

I'm moving.

Anonymous said...

Why don't the shamanCycle people just get a pedal pub and stick a bird on top. Better yet, why don't they just skip the bird and get a keg.

McFly said...

My problem is that I am extremely confident asride my bikecycle but not overly balanced......not even sufficiently balanced in some situations which results in GRAVITY=1 MCFLY=0

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to bring a towel! The new Scam Wow

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus + Grundle =

SCRU NDLE

Anonymous said...

wow, a linen towel! what would our world be without the likes of Outlier making our lives worth living with such incredible game changing innovative products. And only $75! How incredibly altruistic.

McFly said...

My wife asked me once long ago "When you get out of the shower do you use the towel to dry your butthole?"

I said, "Yes."

She said, "I wish you would not do that."

I said, "Duely noted."

To this day I still dry my butthole with the towel because I am a rebel and I like to live on the edge. With a nice clean butthole.

Anonymous said...

Hey, New Yorkers:
The Missus and I are returning over the July 4th weekend for some R&R. Where do we watch the fireworks from? What time do we have to be there? Is Coney Island worth a day trip? Are Roosevelt and Governors Islands worth a visit?
Thank you

wle said...

hey
phoebe legere is legit
(bike shaman dream lady)
at least she is hot
and she plays accordion
no, really

wle

Comment deleted said...

McFly, it's not like it's going to get any cleaner. Who wants a wet butthole? (That was rhetorical, please calm down, you pervs).

10:5 Ratside? I'll take those odds!

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ChamoisJuice said...

A cursorary google search finds the miss Phoebe Legere:

-starred in Toxic Avenger II
-appeared in Playboy in the 80's

Quel artiste!

Anonymous said...

McFly:
What did your wife think you should be using to wipe with if not a towel?
Just wondering.

Anonymous said...

bleach for buttwipers

Bob Marley said...

I went downtown
I saw Miss Brown
She had brown sugar
All over her booga-wooga.

Jimboner said...

bestest and most foppish...

asstacular!

mikeweb said...

DB,

Unfortunately for us Brooklynites, the best place to see the fireworks is from the west side of Manhattan and the earlier you get there the better vantage point you'll have. And yes, Coney Island is definitely worth a trip! Just hop on the F train and take it to the end. Also, Roosevelt island - meh, Governors island - definitely.

Anonymous said...

How is that giant eagle thing not an episode of Portlandia? That guy on the ground even looks like Fred Armisen.

leroy said...

DB --

View fireworks from the Husdson River Greenway 24th to 59th Street. But I wouldn't try riding a bike on the Greenway that evening.

Info here.

Roosevelt Island - meh, nothing really there. Tram ride might be fun.

Governor's Island -- nice place to spend a few hours on a weekend. Check the event/concert schedule beforehand if you don't like crowds.

BamaPhred said...

Weeeednesday You must have found some good stuff cause you're on fire today. Recumabinowitz, Grundle towel, and Get off me you old feather wielding pervert, now my day is better. Thanks

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Mikeweb.
Last questions. Is the Highline worth walking, and my wife wants to go to Williamsburg. Are there any vaccinations I need? Oh! Where is good spot to watch fireworks and have a cocktail?

grog said...

What you did to Recumbabe?
It's zany.

wle: accordian?
Or do you mean squeezebox?

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Leroy.
I'm bringing your dog a chew stick.

Comment deleted said...

DB, the Highline's pretty cool, but don't try going on a nice weekend day. Unless you're the type that enjoys shopping malls just for the fun of negotiating the crowds.

BikeSnobNYC said...

DB,

While everyone's distracted by the fireworks, go to Williamsburg, eat at Marlow & Sons, and then leave immediately.

That's what I'd do anyway.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Tea Party & Fox Thin There's Something In This said...

No Fox Wussification Babe and Babble hasn't checked in. Very strange coincidence. Very strange indeed.

Anonymous said...

THe Subaru

BOOYAH!!

Top L ?

mikeweb said...

DB,

High line is worth it - a very unique way to see a pretty cool area.

Williamsburg is good - take the Ferry from Manhattan to N. 6th st. and check out the Brooklyn Flea - great stuff to eat and I hear there's a great lady there who sells pretty cool jewelry that she designs and makes. ;)

If you haven't already, best to start curating your facial hair now.

Boy these captchas can be very creepy:

many facialm

Not. Even. Joking.

Michelle B said...

&amp - 's I typed no such thing.

Dooth said...

Linen butthole wipes! There's an idea I can behind.

That, and kinky reggae.

Anonymous said...

It's like the word "suspicious." When you say something looks suspicious, the suspicion fully resides inside YOU, not the thing. Just like that guy's lack of confidence in extreme situations. AM I WRONG? AM I WRONG?

Projecting all sorts of shit onto a bike gives you more to say about it I suppose. "The Fuel hasn't been laid in a while and its cholesterol is too high, but its patience helps carry it through long periods of boredom. It really just wants to be useful, but has a hard time with intimacy..." etc.

Today's post made me want to kill all white people but instead I think I'll just kill everyone on Kickstarter and maybe just administer severe beatings to anyone I see with a Griddlin' Towel. Just like that infamous historical figure

Kregula 250,

Vegas said...

Thanks, Leroy. Coincidence that Towlie reference is on Weednesday? I think not.

And my dreams are usually about fighting off ninja attacks at work, floating/flying & the care it takes trying to navigate through windows and doors, or action-movie-esque gunfights; but I never thought about making kickstarters for any of those. Shamanlady must be smokin some sweet sensimillia.


and alishpe
Danger, Will Robinson!

Vegas said...

HA! I'm pretty sure I want Rollie to write all the bike reviews from now on.

Underscore said...

Is anyone else annoyed by the sizing of the towels. They come in three sizes. Medium, Large and Extra-Large. Wouldn't Small, Medium and Large have been more sensible/honest?

McFly said...

She said that is an area she would prefer I let "sustainably air-dry with no towel violation." No way man I got to dry down all the way. Also when I found out about baby-wipes were not just for babies it literally changed my life and revamped the way I dropped a duece from the ground up.

BikeSnobNYC said...

McFly,

You deuce from the ground up?!?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Ground up deucing is called that the Carvel swirl where I'm from.

Anonymous said...

DB if you go to Coney Island you better ride the Cyclone

blaaaahhhhhh said...

I don't know, a towel that needs a compatible washing machine seems like a perfect fit for bikeen's fashion consumers.

You know who I'm talking about. That guy that says you need a different tire because it is grams lighter and "turns better because of the tread pattern." The same guy that runs a different tire in back because he applies race car physics to a bicycle. That guy would buy the towel and the washing machine.

robot stack failure.

ChamoisJuice said...

RELEVANT STORIES:

Do You Use "Butt Wipes" And If So What the Fuck Is Wrong With You?

Brooklyn Yeshiva Calls Shenanigans After 100 Students Are Kicked Off Flight

pdonkedonk said...

Bribe a bike team like Sky or BMC to use the towel and there will be a flood of front loader sales.

If there's no budget for that, child doper and otherwise lifestyle coach Chris Carmichael will move a few.

Does he offer PED's with his "training" programs? He sure did at USA Cycling.

Every town with a few bike racers in it has "that guy."

Anonymous said...

"Not overly confident" bicycles … The pathetic fallacy has seldom been more pathetic.

Anonymous said...

GRUN DLER

ChamoisJuice said...

In Thailand, they have sink sprayers hooked up to the toilet to wash your ass. It's a pretty good system. You need to towel off after.
Not anywhere near as luxurious as the Japanese remote controlled, heated seat, blow dryer, Toto Washlet

It is too motherfucking hot in Bangkok to ride bikes. It's like 90 deg with crazy humidity. Moto scooters are the way to get around.

Anonymous said...

Fudgie the Whale, indeed.

db said...

"Put a bird on it."

Comment deleted said...

RTMS, that's just what JFK said to Alan Shepard!

Flyover BC said...

My guess is that the Shamancycle will debut at Burning Man, which is what happens when you spend to muuch time naked in the desert sun. Even your scranus will get burned from the reflection off the salt flat.

There's no place the sun don't shine at Burning Man.

paulb said...

Phoebe may be an oddball but she wrote a beauty of a song called "Amazing Love."

Dooth said...

Phoebe Legere rocked my world, back in the day...in the film MONDO NEW YORK.

Anonymous said...

Mikeweb and Snob:
Is the Brooklyn Flea in Fort Greene a good one? We're leaving the following day, so won't be able to make the Williamsburg Flea.
Snob: checked out the menu at Marlowe and Sons. Don't know what half the stuff is. Mascarpone? Treviso? Tarbais beans? Black trumpet mushrooms? Celery root salad with buttermilk? I think we'll go there for lunch. Thanks, though!

McFly said...

In my defense I knew when I typed DROP A DUECE FROM THE GROUND UP there was a high possibility for some blowback.

Damn here we go again.

Anonymous said...

Did no one point out this awesomely relevant comment in the Bangkok biking story?

James Devaney Wrote:

Ninety percent of bicycle fatalities are when riders are not wearing helmets, wear your helmets.
1 day ago

robert schmidt Replied:

100% of car driver deaths occur when car drivers are not wearing helmets :)

Comment deleted said...

There is one person with the last name 'Scranus'.

Here's to you, Mr. (or Ms.) Scranus!

Comment deleted said...

However, 'Grundle' is a relatively popular surname.

Witness:

Courtney Grundle Edith Grundle Elena Grundle Evelyn Grundle Greg Grundle Howie Grundle James Grundle Jamie-Matthew Grundle Jean Grundle Lia Grundle Mary-Alice-Polly Grundle Megan Grundle Richard Grundle Sally Grundle Wally Grundle

Anonymous said...

DB, if you're feeling adventurist, take the 1 train to the last stop in the Bronx. Then, walk up the hilly streets...you might catch Snob on one of his rides. Nice restaurants on Johnson Ave.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Anon:
Good advice. Haven't spent much time in the Bronx, need to branch out.

Blog Drafter said...

I wanted to make a snarky comment or stupid joke but your post today is just too humorous to besmirch. Thanks for the chuckles.

McFly said...

Hey ChamoisJuice,
I will make a deal with you. Let me shit on your forehead and we will see if you use a dry towel or a wet towel to clean it off. If you use a dry towel then you are clearly the winner in this situation.

Jed said...

remember when Ed MacMahon used to shit on Johnny's forehead? I think he called it a 'Great Karnak'. Kinda like a precursor to the hot Karl.
SHAM WOWW

Charlie said...

goddamnit eben you've done it again

Anonymous said...

Mme. Rabinowitz may be suffering from lingering, unresolved 'Fred' issues.

leroy said...

DB-- Brooklyn Flea in Fort Greene is definitely worth a visit.

I don't know if folks know this, but NY has a bike share program you could use to get there.

Anonymous said...

If they have no--begriming, blazing blue Citi Bank bikes-- let them...

leroy said...

DB-- also check out Smorgasburg in Williamsburg if you're only here on Saturday.

BikeTinker said...

Is it safe from ass monkeys here now?

Anonymous said...

I remember an old "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist" where the patient (may have been Jon Stewart, who I hadn't heard of back then) waxed nostalgic for the days when you could successfully end a confrontation just by saying "Good day, sir!".

"Good day, sir" may not be revivable, but I'm going to consider trying out "I will remember you!".

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babble on said...

OMFG it's GMO RECUMBABE!!!! NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOHMYFUCKINGGODNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

babble on said...

I will remember something... someday...

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Someone.. Anyone.. for the love of LOB.. Please tell me that mind-fuckingly stupid eagle bike video is a spoof..

Honestly, are there really people like that in the world? If so, I want to meet them because they must be so gullible I can easily convince them to go down on my by telling them I there is healing power in my willy, but to extract it they must gently tug and suck..

babble on said...

no... no... you know i love you, pussycat... why, oh why have you forsaken me?

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes.

Yes you definitely should always show up naked whenever possible. Naked is good. mmmmm naked.....

I will remember...
buttholes!! Yes, that's it, there are buttholes...wet butthole holds a certain appeal under certain cicumstances of course...mmmmm... I will remember something... someday...

Ronald Desmond??! NONONONONONNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO please say it isn't so no more gmoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The horror! NO please no no no no no never say fox and babble in the same sentence nooooooooo!!!

Remember remember remember oh yes!!! I remember!! Wet Medicine buttholes. Tail feathers are always better open than closed.

Soooooo pretty. mmmmm pretty... beatuy truth truth beauty...

oh, and also
McFly:

Gravity works. Always.
That's worth remembering.

Fuck. you're supposed to write drunk and edit sober but I never get around to editing.

Do you suppose I drink too much?

T.F. Lund said...

Would Fred Galafianakis be right for the Snob role in 'Snob Hard' the BSNYC movie? I am outlining the script and it is practically writing itself.
(It is presumptuous and awkward to mention this topic publicly but this is a BS blog.)

Appliance Repair Timonium said...

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Thomas Crapper said...

McFly, If the substance in question has the consistency of Montezuma's Revenge, then doesn't the anti gravity properties of "ground up" cause more than the exit portal to be in need of the services of a towel (regardless of what the wife or Leroy's Dog says)?.

ce said...

babble on, drinking any quantity of household cleaning product is too much.

Snobbo, it is the way of The Subaru to always use Papyrus Font when referring to "The Subaru" in text. Failing to do so is highly culturally insensitive and you should probably apologise. I realise I have now made matters worse, no thanks to the systemic and belligerent font homogenization in the comments section, but I will seek atonement by bathing in the cleansing smoke of Subaru exhaust.

McFly said...

For real? Are you shittin' me?

Anonymous said...

Any photos of that bloke without his towel ? Sort of before and after towel shots ? Purely, for comparative purposes and not pervery.

ce said...

One other thing, and I swear this is true and it kind of freaks me out a little bit... Well, I just got back this evening from a trip to Melbourne which I undertook at this time so I could get some business done before Snobbo arrives and the ensuing crowds bring the city yo a standstill. My wifey and I had some of those synthetic travel towels packed, and just yesterday I was expressing to her my lack of enthusiasm for these towels compared to my old threadbare cotton towel for packability/adsorption. I suggested the perfect travel towel would be a oversized tea towel. She said, "oh, like a linen tea towel?". I said, "no, one of those thin ones that dry really well when they are worn in", and she said, "yeah, a linen tea towel, they cost like $40".

So there you have it, I am a latent designer douche and by some freaky psychic shaman big art imagination medicine power Snobbo has sensed this disturbance in the force and is steering me away from the dark side.

babble on said...

yes pervs are us, and we thank you for all the man chest in this post, snobbikins...

outofit said...

I had no idea what I was missing...

babble on said...

That Shaman cycle is confounding. Shouldn't it be spirit driven, instead of pedal powered?

Amee said...

This is cool!