Thursday, November 29, 2012

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (Now With More Folding Bikes)

First of all, I want to thank all the people who commented and emailed with their folding bike suggestions yesterday--except for the person who told me to go fuck myself, which frankly seemed unwarranted.  Also, somebody else commented that I have a lot of bikes already, which, like, none of your business.  I also have a lot of wine bottles in my bathtub, but none of those fold either.  So what's your point?  Just because I have so much bottled wine I'm not allowed to buy a wine skin so I can fold it up and hide it in my pants at the movies?

I DON'T have to EXPLAIN myself to YOU.  [Stomps foot on each capitalized word and pouts, then slams door to bedroom and cranks up the Fallout Boy.]

Anyway, clearly I have lots to consider.  For example, some people suggested the Swift Folder:

On the plus side, they seem to be slightly less clownish than other folding bikes.  On the negative side, they don't seem to fold down that small--and I want it to fold down small so I can take it into the bathroom of my yacht with me.  Also, judging from the guy in the photo, it's a total hipster bike.  I mean seriously, what a total hipster.

Then there's the Bike Friday:

On the plus side, you can do folding bike dorklocross like the guy in the video.  On the negative side, you might have nightmares about noted Bike Friday enthusiast Phil Liggett:

Also, at least one commenter pointed out that Bike Fridays are made in the USA.  I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but what do I care?  In fact, I'm rooting for the death of American manufacturing because the sooner this country collapses due to a lack of factory jobs then the sooner some foreign power will come in and take us over, which quite frankly may be our only hope.  That way, at least there's a chance that whoever takes us over will be bike-friendly.  Does China like bikes?

Speaking of China, I think Dahons may be made there, and that's another folding bike purveyor I should consider:

On the plus side, they're pretty reasonably priced.  One the negative side, "Mu P8" sounds like "mupate," which sounds like something you'd do after you micturate.

Then of course there's the Brompton:

(Never let someone who rides a bike like this crash on your floor for just "a night or two at most" unless you want a permanent roommate who doesn't pay rent.)

On the plus side, they're British, and there's no culture in the world that is better at making things that fold up quickly.  Just consider that the British Empire went from this:

Down to this:

In like 20 years, which is the geopolitical equivalent of a bike that folds from this:

To this:

In a single millisecond.

Given this, it's a testament to British refinement and tact that all they did was make the Brompton.

That's not to say I've necessarily decided on the Brompton though, since I'd have to buy a lot more tweed, and honestly I don't think I could handle wearing the underpants.

Anyway, clearly I have a lot to think about, and the process is so daunting that I'm tempted to just say, "Fuck it, I'm buying a Hyundai"--which, it turns out, is just what they're hoping we'll do:
By the way, I'm still loving this Twitter embedding thing.  It's so easy!  See?
That's over three years now, which has to be some kind of record.

So, right, this Hyundai:

This car calls for a joke as stale and dated as the trend on which it is trying to capitalize, and so I'll say that Bianchi called and they want their "colorway" back.  As the Tweeterer rightly points out, Hyundai are clearly at least five years behind the cycling trend curve, which means that we can expect them to launch a car that looks like a cyclocross bike sometime around 2018.  By the way, this is a stupid way to carry a bike:

What's the point of taking up the trunk space and reducing your ability to parallel park while still letting the bike hang out there like a fixed-gear hemorrhoid?  Put on your big boy pants and put the fucking bike on the roof already.  Sure, it burns a little more gas, but if you're afraid to burn some gas then you shouldn't be driving.  Or you could just ride the stupid thing, but I can't really blame somebody for not wanting too.

And here's how Hyundai explained themselves to USA Today (the "fixie" of newspapers):

Hyundai says its idea came from fixed-gear bikes, the "fixies" that have taken over urban corridors around the country. Originally ridden by bike messengers, they went mainstream for riders who wanted ultra low weight. Unlike the bikes, the car has brakes.

"We were inspired by the proverb 'A rolling stone gathers no moss,'" said Chris Chapman, Hyundai's chief designer in the U.S. The concept car "offers the 'no strings attached' freedom of a roll top convertible."

Yes, nothing says "no strings attached freedom" like a lease, an insurance policy, and a dependence on fossil fuels.  And if you want real car/bike "collabo" street cred, you're much better off with a Jetta Trek:

Something tells me the Veloster is going to be even less "classic" than that Jetta in 15 years.

Speaking of cycling subcultures ripe for mainstream appropriation, this weekend Los Angeles will host the Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships, which zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:

Sorry, I nodded off there for a moment because I'm like so over everything.  This because I was once a delusional bike racer, then I became a jaded irreverent bike racer, and now I'm just a crotchety loner with hairy legs and a general disdain for everything.  At least I can take solace in the fact that while everyone's hopping on and off bikes that don't shift I'll be on the Internet shopping for folding bikes.  So suck on that.

Mabye if you're lucky those Rapha sandbaggers will show up again and leave before the tattoos are handed out:

Lastly, I saw on the Streetsblog how where a lawyer got arrested for knocking down a cyclist:

I wonder if he handed her a bill afterwards.


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Blog Drafter said...


Blog Drafter said...


Blog Drafter said...


Blog Drafter said...

Well, like I said, it gets to be a better and better joke with time.

Blog Drafter said...

Don't poo-poo it right away.

Blog Drafter said...

Oh, and Laura, the joke teller...turns out she was banging practically everyone in the place but me and, possibly, the janitor.

Blog Drafter said...

Totally missed out on that. Clueless. That's why no one ever told her to put a bra on!

Blog Drafter said...

Har har!

Blog Drafter said...

Well, good night.

Blog Drafter said...

I just remembered another music joke about jazz:

Music for people who can't make up their minds.

Olle Nilsson said...

What a cliff hanger there with the because, because ... and then I realized there was a page 2. Thank Lob for that. Well, not really, I wasn't really reading your comments BD, just on a narcissism mission. Well, mostly looking for folding porn.

Comment deleted said...

Extraordinary rendition, BG (and that's what ought to happen to you if there were any justice in the world).

So the little girl comes home from her first bass lesson, and her dad asks "What did you learn today, honey?"

She says "Teacher showed me how to play an 'A' and how to play a 'D'.

The next week, her dad asks her again, "And what did you learn this week?"

She says "Oh, I skipped the lesson Dad. I had a gig."

Anonymous said...

Choke blog drafter with babs.

ce said...

Nice one BD, your story complimented a beer and half a bag of corn chips nicely.

g-roc, will you shut up already.

Flammer said...

Well might ye A-mericans mourn the loss of manufacturing. You make the shitest cars in the world, rubbish tools and, well nothing much.

Yep, you're following the British Empire to Oblivionston. Keep pumping out the fantasy of world cop and the repo man will soon be making lewd suggestions towards your underwear hanging on your bath. Look forward to street scapes like Poland in the 70s.

At least you don't legally fuck your pets and beasts of the field like those Svensk savages.

And stop referencing The Age. Read by slack jawed wimps and BMW drivers (who are all cunts). Car of the Year? Well that'd be a Volkswagen Totenkopf or a fucking ugly Benz or Tossers' tank '5 series'.

Get off the folding bike fad before it gets as pathetic as anything hipsters do. The boys are so dickless. The girls all seem to suffer from brain injuries.

Now fuck off!

bikesgonewild said...

...fuck you, google...get your shit together...

bikesgonewild said...

...well, THAT certainly wasn't annoying, was it ???... does, however give me an indication as to why that young woman was fucking everyone in the place BUT you...

...& she DID do the janitor at least once but he felt guilty after that because his wife was pregnant...

...just sayin'...

McFly said...

Cool joke, bro. I laughed for about 17 seconds. That's a long time for me with a head cold.

G.I.L.F = (Grandma. I'd. Like to. F--k)

There seem to be more and more of them these days. One of my older buddies told me my palate would expand as I crept closer to 40.

I am in Baleen Whale Stage apparantly.

McFly said...

(They have wide palates. I don't want to bang whalish women. But I will Free Willy if you know what I mean AND I BELIEVE YOU DO.)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The folding bike drawing attention is a side effect I had not considered. This experience will help tremendously once you make the transition to recumbent bikes.

One of my riding buds used to say derogatory things about recumbents buy once he saw how much fun and how I could climb hills on mine he now says if he was rich he'd have one too.

Being that your a rich guy quickly gaining on middleagedom with an ever expanding collection of cycling bicycles it's only a matter of time. I can't wait to read the comment section then.

McFly said...

Selecting a folding/bent bike is like picking out your favorite song by STYX.........


Isma said...

Great bikes anyway. Forget the haters and do your thing.

Velocodger said...

Folders- phooey. Try these. They may become the next big "thang".
Courtesy of Pez.

Anonymous said...

Hyudnay (that's Hyundai not spelled backwards) thinks bike messengers were the first to ride fixies? They're lamer than I thought.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I have a whole favorite album by Styx. Paradise Theater. Sounds incredible cranked up on a good system.

It's funny though I admit. I loved that band for years before I found out their sexual orientation. I still like them. I don't hate.

The early stuff is good too. A little harder edged. I'm sure bgw got some story about them.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Back in those days all the rockers wore big sleeves and had pretty hair.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that's not how you spell that palate... hold on, great save with the wide. (ZOD)

Blog Drafter said...

McFly: Duh. I get it. Thanks for the explanation. I was hyperventilating there a little.

Joaquin Ayala said...

I own six bicycles, road, mountain, Dutch, suspension, etc. and bought a Brompton just for commuting. Nine months later, I find I use it most often, and am thinking of getting rid of my road bike, it's that good. To be fair, I have made a few mods for my style of riding and the local topography, but more than anything, I like the idea of having a bike-centric approach to urban mobility, and that is mostly contingent on very fast, and very compact fold. The Brompton is still the best at both these tasks. Here is a link to my review:

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Olle Nilsson said...


Anonymous said...

maybe get a folding full-suspension bike. with a motor.

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timsfuelapocalypse said...

In twenty years of working in london bike workshops, even pre the fixed revolution, every bike friday that has come in has been a long-necked unrideable nightmare that. Airnimal have been a horrid second. Save yourself.

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Folding Bikes For Adults said...

On the plus side, you can do folding bike dorklocross like the guy in the ...

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