Friday, July 13, 2012

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

In the wake of incessant doping questioning, Bradley Wiggins has finally authored an articulate response in The Guardian, which you probably shouldn't visit if you're one of those spoiler-phobes, because it's 2012 and newspapers now like to publish sporting news that's less than 24 hours old on their websites:

I thought his response was both thoughtful and convincing, and my only critique from a literary standpoint is that it could have used more "cunts."

Meanwhile, yesterday skinhead clothiers Fred Perry announced a "collabo" with the Tour de France leader (or at least he was the Tour de France leader as of yesterday, I'm not saying whether or not he's still leading it today since that would be a spoiler):


(Oscar-winning actor Adrian Brody dons an obvious mod wig to model the new Wiggins shirt.)

Sure, Bradley Wiggins may have hair (and pretty funny-looking hair at that), but he does like to overturn tables and say "cunt" a lot, and this new venture is sure to put the "labia" in "collaboration:"


We're excited to announce that the first pieces from the Bradley Wiggins X Fred Perry Collaboration are available online and in selected Authentic shops as of today. The launch marks the start of a 6 season collaboration with the Olympic cyclist and mod enthusiast, who also happens to be the current Tour de France leader - go Wiggo!

I was particularly intrigued by the "Bradley stripe:"

The unique slim fit cotton pique shirt is finished with ‘GB tape’ around the neckline, retro metal zips, single zipped pocket to the rear hem and an especially designed ‘Bradley stripe’ around the tip of the sleeves.


Boldly, Wiggins seems to have taken credit for designing the UCI World Champion stripes and then renamed them after himself, which is just the sort of audacity you need to become a Tour de France winner-cum-fashion designer.  (Assuming Bradley Wiggins hasn't crashed out of the Tour de France after colliding with a spectator dressed as a gigantic vagina, I'm not saying whether he did or he didn't, because that would be a spoiler.)  Anyway, just to recap, here are the new terms for the sporting insignias and accolades Bradley Wiggins has retroactively designed:


"Bradley Stripes"




"Wiggins Rings"




"The Bradley Marc Wiggins Gilded Cunt Of Glory"


("Gold Cunt Fever: Catch It!")

Speaking of sports, a reader forwarded me the following article about pickup basketball:


Mostly because there's a tangential mention of bicycles and Portland:

The beat-up Raleigh, with derailleurs missing teeth, causes me to lurch when I pedal, but it is the best way to find courts. I typically put my sneakers, ball and water bottle into a backpack, strap on a helmet and head in a general direction.


Biking in New York is an adjustment from Portland, Ore., where I went to college. In Portland, bike lanes are plentiful and drivers almost always expect bicyclists to be nearby. In New York, there are more obstacles on the streets than in a game of Mario Kart. I’ve had to dodge opening car doors, gushing fire hydrants, texting pedestrians and bikers going the wrong way on one-way streets like vehicular spawning salmon.


Before you even make it to the courts, it’s as if you have been fouled a thousand times.

I actually enjoyed the article, partially because I know nothing about basketball and it was an interesting perspective, and partially because as someone who knows nothing about basketball the associated jargon sounds incredibly dirty to me:

In Brooklyn, I check a map, look for green spots, and within half an hour I am sweaty and shooting.

My street vernacular is a little rusty, but as far as I can tell this means he was looking for places to buy marijuana and ended up engaged in anonymous sex.  And I'm not even going to touch this one:

 I channeled my inner Kevin Garnett and got right up into Butters with my body.

I'm sure if you're a basketball fan that doesn't even register, but after reading that I felt like taking a shower.  It's almost as bad as this:


A reader sent me this because there's a picture of the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret somewhere on there, but all I noticed was the description of "Hunter's Plan:"



From what I can tell, "Hunter's Plan" sounds like it might involve some city-slickers going on a rafting trip and then having a graphic encounter with some hillbillies.


And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be spoiled in a good way, and if you're wrong you may or may not see a spoiler.


Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if your ride makes you burn and drool, you should probably put a saddle on your bike.



--Wildcat Rock Machine






(Hangman à la Wiggo)

1) Which is the correct sequence for the obscenities contained in Bradley Wiggins's controversial "Cuntgate" outburst?

--Fucking/Wankers/Arses/Cunts
--Cunts/Fucking/Wankers/Arses
--Cunts/Cunts/Cunts/Cunts
--All/You/Haters/Comb/My/Modhair








2) In West Vancouver, Canada, traffic safety groups have attempted to calm traffic by employing:

--Speed bumps
--Holograms
--Live animals
--Good spondee






3) Author Martin Amis has decamped Brooklyn for Queens in search of better spondee.

--True
--False






4) Hugging, smugging, and homogeneity.  Just another day in:

--Portland
--Portland
--Portland
--Portland






5) Holding a press conference in a bike lane.  Just another day in:

--New York City
--New York City
--New York City
--New York City








6) According to the NYPD, as a priority, the safety of cyclists in Central Park ranks just below the safety of:

--Motorists
--Pedestrians
--Joggers
--Squirrels






7) Fixed-gear conversion is out; ____________________ is in.

--Derailleur gear conversion
--Coaster brake conversion
--650B conversion
--SPD sneaker conversion




***Special 48-Hour-Old-Spoiler-Themed Bonus Question***

Read no further if you are two days behind on your Tour de France coverage and have been attempting to maintain life in a media-free bubble



(Thomas Voeckler, winner of Stage 10 of the 2012 Tour de France, clenches a fist in celebration of having just won Stage 10 of the 2012 Tour de France)

Who won Stage 10 of the Tour de France?

--Thomas Voeckler
--Greg LeMond
--Jacques Anquetil
--A caveman


95 comments:

theEel said...

WEekEnD!

ringcycles said...

Millar!

theEel said...

also... spoiler!!!

ringcycles said...

D'oh, I Gossed it.

JB said...

What do I win?

samh said...

ALL YOU HUTTERITES SHOULD MAKE BISCUITS

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Up in the GC.

Paul Bowen said...

DAVID MILLAR WON TODAY'S STAGE

He's British, you cunts!

Great week Snobbers, hope everyone has a great weekend.

cadel evans said...

dropped by a 35 year old scot. the shame endureth.

butt said...

i always find these quizzes to be so stressful.

Anonymous said...

CUNTS AND WANKERS !

McFly said...

Top whatever

Anonymous said...

coming fast!

cycle

Margaret Thatcher said...

The desire to win is born in most of us. The will to win is a matter of training. The manner of winning is a matter of honour.

Winston Churchill said...

Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be

Anonymous said...

WIGG BURNS

Jimmy said...

I can't answer the last question, you left Fofonov off the list

William Shakespeare said...

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

William Wallace said...

Millar may be british, but I'll be damned if the english can call him their own.

John Lennon said...

Imagine...

A Brit winning the tour!

Anonymous said...

got 4 and 5 wrong.

cycle

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Speaking of mods Wiggins looks sort of like Pete Townsend.

Oliver Cromwell said...

TRULY ENGLAND AND THE CHURCH OF GOD HATH HAD A GREAT FAVOUR FROM THE LORD, IN THIS GREAT VICTORY GIVEN US!!!

Anonymous said...

Your quiz spoiled some of your columns from earlier in the week that I have yet to read. Thanks a lot, wanker.

Guy Fawkes said...

He blew it up, didn't he?

Austin Powers said...

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Spoiler said...

Amazing! Amazing! Onii-chan won!

Paul Bowen said...

William Wallace @ 12.51: Wind yer neck in you sweaty gobshite or you know what'll happen to it. (I'm about 100 yards from where you met your maker btw, trufact.)

Anonymous said...

Frikken' Hilarious today SNOB!! <>

el pistole said...

you just wait til im back. ima fucking kill you

Robert the Bruce said...

Aye, the brits are all a bunch of cunts if you ask me.

Jefe said...

I got all the questions but 4 & 5. Those were tough.

McFly said...

Other than say, Tom Beringer, Adrien Brody may be the greatest method actor of our generation. He was great in that one movie where he was a pussy and whined and got the f--k beat out of him.

Anonymous said...

Aye we are. Especially those weegie cunts; they're in division 3, you know.

Good win for Miller today, I'm guessing that the breakaway stayed away.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

An inspiring serenade of instincts!

ashcroftchops said...

Bradley Wiggcuntins

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Spondee said...

How do you spell odgie bodgie?

babble on said...

Whew! All that sweaty, nasty, dirty talk has me all hot and bothered. Thank you.

I have audacity to spare, and tend to swear a lot, too, so here's another spoiler for you: I will win the Tour de France in my next lifetime.

The need for speed

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob; Basketball was invented in the United States by a Canadian and has been played by Mexicans (Aztecs and Mayas)as well as Central and South Americans for centuries, long before cycling became a twinkle in anyones eye. One of your 17 kids may wish to take it up, so you need to learn about it. P.S. if you had gone to school in the U.S. you would have a rudimentary knowledge of the game.

mikeweb said...

***SPOILER ALERT***

Tomorrow's stage to Cap D'Agde was won by Eric Zabel in a sprint finish, just ahead of Mario Cipollini. While Zabel celebrated on the podium, Cipollini was spotted strolling through his hotel's lobby toward the elevators with Zabel's wife and her 2 sisters.

grog said...

I can't answer the last question, you left Recumbabe off the list

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wiggins also played handclaps on Qradrophenia.

Sir Wankington McCuntlesby said...

Its been a cunt-tastic week here on the Commentariat Page for usage of the word, "cunt." It's threatening to subplant scranus in popularity (although several were quick to join them together, such as scranus-cunt, or cunt-scranus).

Fuckin' cunt wankers!

C.Anker Sore & son said...

So close.

Anonymous said...

It would be great to see that mod cunt smash a bike to pieces once safely over the line in Paris.

Anonymous said...

Check this out! prisoners in Brazil use stationary bikes to generate electricity for a nearby town.

http://jalopnik.com/5925630/brazil-uses-pedaling-inmates-to-power-street-lamps

CommieCanuck said...

SPOILER ALERT:

Around 10pm tonight, it will get dark.

I don't understand all this "cunt" thing and the negative connotations. My personal experiences with vaginas have been for the most part, quite enjoyable.

Salty and Sore said...

Focus, LoLo. Focus.

Elizabeth Vagina II said...

oh, Dear, this has all taken off in Britain, Phillip won't stop calling me cunt.
What a cunt.

CommieCanuck said...

Aha! Brad Wiggins is the rumoured fifth member of The Courteeners

bikesgonewild said...

...that's it, i've fucking had it...wankin' wiggo & the rest of you english cunts have turned me into a vowed antidisestablishmentarianist...

Rob Roy said...

Those english are all cunts. Not much better than the welsh I'm afraid.

McFly said...

CC,
I could not agree more. While 98% of my basic existence orbits and hinges on the touching, tasting, fondling, and general procurement of that magnificent marvel of female anatomy(1% riding, 1% eating[the continuation of being physically alive kind]), I could never understand why someone would use it as a negative reference.

McFly said...

Like I did a few posts up.

McFly said...

Dammit.

mikeweb said...

So, how about Froome out sprinting Cav to the line today, huh? Who's the Man Missile now?

leroy said...

SPOILER ALERT!

My dog reports that this morning the bewhiskered visage of Bradley Wiggins appeared on a tortilla he was grilling thus presaging greatness at the Vuelta A Espana.

My dog ate it before I could confirm.

Tomorrow he's making crepes even though he claims he already knows who's French Toast at the TdF.

Ride portentously all!

bikesgonewild said...

...now there, mate, i take exception what with cymru being a proud bit of me 'eritage, ya ???...

...morgan morgans, my great (X ?) gran da was the flour miller in machynlleth, powys, wales back in the 1800's...

...his mill is still there, grinding flour but as a tourist attraction these days...

...& my research indicates there was not a cunt in the family tree as far back as recorded...

...btw, robert plant & jimmy page wrote a number of well known tunes whilst hidden away in bron-yr-aur cottage in the local hills, 'back in the day'...

babble on said...

Mc Fly: I couldn't agree more. I have always wondered why men say cocksucker like it's a bad thing...

Dooth said...

Wiggo is a mod rocker

Wiggo is a mod rocker

Wiggo is a mod rocker

nowwwww

Dooth said...

a mod mod, a mod rocker

a mod mod, a mod rocker

–§ofonov said...

You can't blame the man. The man is busy foffing through TdF

McFly said...

Speaking of cocksuckers and vags' can we PLEASE have some background info on the Amazon in the red dress. I assume she is not wearing panties.

torpedo onion said...

Wiggo looks like an original member of The Who. Not the dead ones who imbibed too much booze and dope. but the live ones who did just enough booze and dope. But I'm sure he didn't cause I don't want to get hit by a flying chair, but a vagina would be OK.

Quilled and Lugged said...

"How do you spell odgie bodgie?"

It's spelled jiggery-pokery.

Is it wrong to covet one of those Fred Perry tops? It's not like I don't have enough Freds already - I'm talking shirts here.

bikesgonewild said...

...i had an odgie bodgie when i was a kid but it died...

...oh, wait...that was an uglie budgie (olde english spelling) & i bought it from a guy in monty python which prob'ly explains both it's ugliness & why it died...(bird parts kept falling off)...

Anonymous said...

Bastards, arseholes, fucking cunts and pricks......

hey nonny mouse

Blockhead said...

You wanting hitting Mr mouse?

Anonymous said...

The woman in the red dress is Brad Wiggins in drag.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Cunt me! I typo-ed Quadrophenia.

leroy said...

Is it just me or has anyone else wondered what the folks who put together the Micheloeb Lite ads were thinking when they decided to use the lyrics "My body tells me no, But I won't quit, Cause I want more" for a beer commercial?

McFly said...

I just put a very sneaky 12 minutes on a dormant,unsuspecting GC. And of course by GC I mean Greasy Cunt.

Mustava Roddup Yeras said...

I'm happy Wiggins can never dope. I'm sad that he can never win. If he does, we will find out that he doped.

Anonymous said...

I really like the positive turn in this post, and the last quiz question is brilliant. Nice job Snob!

Anonymous said...

Not everyone had heard that New Amsterdam is now New York, you spoiler-spewing cu...

Speaking of which, missed nerd-portunity in question 1: "spam, spam, cunts, spam"

Finally, because I can't sleep: in fairness to that press conference, it looks like they closed at least some of the car lanes as well.

Anonymous said...

Me again. Actually on second look, it seems they were probably using the separation space between the bike lane and car traffic, so they were just crapping on the cyclists as you said, the arsing cunts. Typical New Amsterdam shit.

bikesgonewild said...

...non sequitur but i can't say i'm 'impressed' by wiggos yellow jersey effort so far...

...& i'd love to hear bernie 'the badger' hinault's honest opinion of what he's seen from wiggo thus far...

...he'd prob'ly say that chris fromme should go out & kick his bosses ass...

ce said...

Wiggins, deep in the suitcase of cunt rage.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Perky boobs!

Anonymous said...

Cat amongst the pigeons!

ringcycles said...

Anyone else notice that Cadel is already so jealous of Wiggo that he's sporting "Bradley Stripes" on his jersey too? What a wanker.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tiflord wears headphones but does not approve of them AT ALL. Wait...wouldn't at all be up to and including wearing them? Your argument is invalid.

La CosaNostradamus said...

****ATATENATION****

Bike Snob nyc. Some of Lionel Richie's posse' members have contracted with a demented North Williamsburg Pabst swilling hipster fixie pilot who believes that he is the second cumming of Floyd Landis. You are to get the 'Breaking Away Team Cinzano 80s frame air pump in the rotating spokes' treatment.

Please remember to always wear a helment.

bikesgonewild said...

...wow...a little sign of life out a' wiggo near the end of today's stage...

Tara said...

Did anyone else catch Phil Liggett's dead-on impression of Mark Cavendish during Friday's stage?

bedroom said...

Good day
Bike Snob NYC
Creative ideas turn out to be quite qualified in terms of you're posting. I wish you best of luck with your articles.

JB said...

Spoiler alert! Today's stage was really tacky.

Wradley Biggins said...

Bide Surns

Wide Shiskers

Camb Lhops

bikesgonewild said...

...@ jb...i thought it was a flat disappointment...

Anonymous said...

thought to tack on another comment. . .

McFly said...

[Italian Accent]

Dida everyone seeya those a tacks ona todaysa stagea?

Anonymous said...

This site used to be clever and I still love it. Like so many Cunt New Yorkers you got no creativity. Same old stupid shit. Cunt. Get a job. Your book is far from cracking mate.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 11:25pm...let's examine your contribution...oh, wait - you didn't make one, you only whined & bitched...