Monday, April 30, 2012

Quality of Life: Pee Me a River

"So where the heck have you been?," you may be asking yourself as you read this.  Well, I wish I could answer you, but after weeks of travel I'm not so sure myself.  The truth is, I'm disorientated--so much disorientated that I can't even compose properly sentences with correctly grammaticals or spealing structure, much less reconstruct an accurate timeline of the past month.  Really, as far as timelines go, the best I can do is this:

Nevertheless, I'm doing my best to piece things together, and to that end I figured I should at least try to get a handle on where I am now.  This isn't as easy as it sounds, because you can spend an entire lifetime here in New York without ever really making sense of the place.  And even when you do start coming to grips with it, you leave town for awhile and then come back and find you have to start all over again.  It's like almost solving a Rubik's Cube, leaving on the coffee table while you go to the bathroom, and then picking it up again afterwards.  Once you're out of the groove, it's difficult to get back into it again.  That's why you should always bring your Rubik's Cube into the bathroom with you.

At the same time, traveling also helps you appreciate New York.  Sure, it's fun to visit entry-level cities like Portland and Austin, and even intermediate-level cities like Seattle and San Francisco, and after awhile you can even delude yourself into thinking that these places are in the real world.  Eventually though it becomes undeniably that they aren't, and that they're merely the urban equivalent of group rides with a no-drop policy.  Sooner or later you start craving actual competition again (as difficult and ruthless as it may be) and you're relieved to return to the race that is New York.

But while this may be true culturally, it's quite the opposite from a cycling perspective.  Indeed, in terms of cycling, the New York City area is a backwater, and her riders are mostly just a bunch of rubes.  The artisanal smugness of Portland; the dynamic flambullience of San Francisco; even the Ben Franklinesque ethos of Philadelphia all serve to emphasize New York's place as the Christian Vande Velde of American cycling cities.  Sure, it wasn't always this way.  We once boasted the vibrant racing scene that produced riders like George Hincapie, and we singlehandedly created the bike messenger archetype.  Now though our racing scene consists of dueling investment bankers who hire coaches and spend tens of thousands of dollars on crabon exotica, and our messengers are clothes horses who spend the obligatory three-to-five years in New York before retreating to an entry-level town. As far as business and entertainment go we may be the City that Never Sleeps, but when it comes to cycling we're the Aluminum Jamis With a Pie Plate.

Even our riding destinations are hopelessly lame.  If you live in New York, you know that every weekend a gigantic Fred Migration takes place, traveling over the George Washington Bridge and up Route 9W towards Piermont and Nyack and even Bear Mountain.  In the early hours these migrants are the aforementioned investment banker club racers, though as the day wears on they yield to an interminable procession of tridorks in arm warmers and sleeveless half-shirts who drink from aerobar-mounted sippy cups:

Anyway, you might think that once you leave the city and arrive in these quaint towns that you'd finally find people who embrace bicycles, but this simply isn't the case.  Consider this profile of Piermont from this past weekend's New York Times Real Estate section:

According to the article, the "boons" of Piermont are that it "evokes a Mediterranean hillside, or maybe Sausalito, Calif."  Now, I happen to think Piermont is very pleasant.  It's pretty.  It's quiet.  There are quaint little shops that sell shit you'd never want.  However, I've also been to both the Mediterranean and to Sausalito, and Piermont evokes both of these places in the way Boone's Farm evokes actual wine.  Mostly, the relatively few similarities simply serve to underscore the vast superiority of the genuine article.  Still, it's a lovely place as far as the greater metropolitan area goes.

But what are the "banes" of living in Piermont?  Well, apparently they're high taxes--and of course bikes:

So magnetic is the village today, according to residents, that tourists and bicyclists often arrive in droves on weekends. The bicyclists often pay little heed to the designated bike lanes, said Robert Samuels, a former journalist and author who has lived here since 1982. “They talk loudly and shout back and forth to one another, often waking me out of a sound sleep on a Sunday morning,” said Mr. Samuels, whose book “Blue Water, White Water” (Up the Creek Publishing, 2011) details his struggle with Guillain-Barré syndrome, a muscle disorder.

But other than the bicyclists and high annual property taxes, most of Piermont’s 2,500 residents consider their village as close to perfect as it gets, said Mr. Samuels, the president of the 500-member civic association.

Now, I'm no stranger to entitlement.  I've visited Boulder.  I've visited Portland.  I've visited Marin County.  These are the nose-stinging bubbles in our national soda pop of smugness.  However, you've reached a higher plane of entitlement when your biggest quality-of-life problem is the sound of Fred chat.  If you can't handle the gentle whirring of a freehub while two middle-aged men patter on about their wheelsets then you probably can't handle anything.  Would they prefer the constant farting of Harley-Davidsons?  (Of which I've seen plenty around those parts, by the way.)  The whining of high-revving "crotch rockets?"  The thundering of tractor-trailers?  Heedless motorists who run down their children?  Really, when cyclists are coming to your town in droves, that's merely a sign of how good you have it.  It's when the cyclists stay away at all costs that you've really got a problem, because it means that your town sucks.

In any case, I was so disgusted by the whining of the people of Piermont that I made the following pledge:  From now on, I will hold in my pee-pee until I get to Piermont instead of publicly relieving myself near the George Washington Bridge where it's merely the Port Authority's problem.

Together we can reach our goal of a yellow Piermont, and I I hope you will join me in this effort.

In any case, given New York City's status as a remedial cycling city, it was sort of sweet that we had a bike show this past weekend:

Watching New York City have a bike show is like watching a baby try to work an iPhone: it's extremely cute, something fun might happen by accident, but really they have no idea what they're looking at.  I don't exclude myself from this, by the way, because I am very much a New Yorker, and I had no idea what I was looking at either.  For example, I saw this bike outside of the show, which led me to wonder if apehanger bars are the new chopped riser bars:

Well, apparently they are, because there was a whole booth dedicated to them:

I would have asked this person to explain what I was looking at, but I was too afraid of his pants:

Equally confusing was the matter of why, if I was at a bike show in New York, I was looking at a Mini Cooper with Jersey plates:

And then there was this thing:

In addition to being confused as to why you'd ever want to carry a bottle of wine in this manner, I was also confused about why I couldn't touch the bike, and so I just said "Fuck it" and touched it anyway:

("Yeah, I touched it.  What are you gonna do about it?")

I'm about as big a "woosie" as you're likely to find (yes, I cried when those adhesive wristbands ripped out my arm hair), but even I'm not afraid of someone who uses a leather wine bottle holder on his faux old-timey bicycle.

Of course, this being New York City, there was also plenty of media.  For example, I got to see a real-life hilpster interview taking place:

There were also publishers of the sorts of periodicals you buy at airports because you're desperate for something to read on the plane, you've already read everything else at the newsstand, and it's slightly more interesting than the in-flight magazine:

In case you can't tell, the above placard is stuck to a curtain, so I just assumed between that and the "Your Ideal Weight" headline that "Bicycling" was running some sort of carnivalesque weight-guessing stand.  Eager to "fool the guesser," I peeled back the curtain, but to my surprise I instead found people listening to other people talk into microphones:

This turned out to be a happy accident, for I myself was supposed to talk into a microphone immediately after these people, which is what I did.  I was also supposed to show slides while I talked, but I don't really know how to work my computer.  Furthermore, the show had apparently hired a surlier version of Nick Burns as their A.V. guy, and he was resolutely unwilling to help me in any way.  Therefore, I simply talked without the slides, which probably didn't make much difference since people can't see slides while they're sleeping anyway.

Lastly, in a final bout of total incompetence, I managed not to get a frontal photograph of a woman outside who was walking around topless:

Hopefully she doesn't decide to visit Piermont, since between the bicycles and the toplessness life there would become a waking nightmare.


theEel said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


McFly said...

Welcome back Kotter

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...


Anonymous said...

Marin can suck my balls

Jasper said...

Early doors

mikeweb said...

Welcome back. Huzzah!!

Bret said...

That tridork sippy-cup looks like a gasoline jug - I think the rider must be doping!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

streepo said...


Kenny Banya said...


Bobby said...

Le peleton? At least I get to share the finish time.

Anonymous said...

Fred chat?
I hadn't thought of that.
It's gonna be part of my group ride shtick from today until next Thursday.
Thanks, Snob!

SteadyFreddy said...

Touching the bike..and relegated!

Turd Ferguson said...

Decent finish since I'm riding the aluminum Jamis of shame.

SteadyFreddy said...

Touching the bike..and relegated!

Marcel Da Chump said...

scary pants

Anonymous said...

Pashley Guvnor FTW!

mikeweb said...

I think I know why that woman was topless.

Everyone knows tight snakeskin print jeans cause women to take off their tops. Especially when the dude is doing his best to look like Pete Campbell from the neck up.

le Correcteur said...

Stopped to read; lost top 20. Welcome back, WRM.

Enaz! said...

2 things:
1, I saw on Sunday afternoon what appeared to be the result of a Tri-dork on the way back from the bridge taking out a family on the W.S.H.B.P just above the Intrepid... bike on ground, front wheel off, 3 other bikes across the path and 2 crying girls under the age of 10.

2, Central park Freds who pass you, pull out their Iphone and swerve back and forth while talking and slowing down only to get mad when you're in front again, are a pain as well.

thegock said...


Anonymous said...

Oh, the haunting nightmares of Woo-Hoo

"for one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex"

"it's a profit game!"

Glad you're back, you jerk

TJ Eckleburg said...

I had to sit through that conversation, just to hear you snob, plus they ran late, and they couldn't "recognize" your computer.

Good times.

Neil said...


campbell fdy said...

Why do cops and biking cyclists wear such ugly sunglasses?

Velocodger said...

And, speaking of touching cowhide.....

jibmo said...

Wrelcom brack Krotter.

singlespeedwaster said...

A week without adult supervision draws to a close. Hurrah!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I think we have to start a kickstarter campaign to get you an idiot-proof camera that only has one button and always takes nice pictures no matter how incompetent you are at using it.

Douche' Tridorkus said...

vegan panties

Anonymous said...

Snobbie's back,

With a picture of Robin William's arm touching a Brooks to boot.

Rosanna Clitannadana said...

A set of 12 panties with a month of the year embroidered upon each ...

January thru December


good eat'in

Anonymous said...


McFly said...

Thats not a water bottle. I saw them on, its for peeing into. On an excruciating 13 mile bike leg of a sprint triathlon one cannot take time to stop and urinate. It would kill their PB. You just extend the nozzle slip your little pp into it and AHHHHHHHHHHHH. The "Piermont Model" has a big hole in the bottom.

The King of Park Slope said...


Oh my!

Anonymous said...

@ McFly 12:53:

Silly rabbit. Everyone knows tridorks just pee on their bikes.
They pee in their wetsuits too. No shame, those mofos.

Mucha McQuootchie said...

That surly AV guy must have really PISSED you off, huh?

Anonymous said...

Silly Rabbi...kicks are for Trids.

Paul Bowen said...

Welcome back

grog said...

Recumbabe goes topless too.
Nice to have you back Snobbers.

Dennis Hopper said...

Don't forget to put food on the Hoppers table.

Billy said...

Great seeing you at the New Am Bike Show! All hail Lob! I ritually ate some crab rangoon today. (Not lobster, but close enough.) Does this mean I can now file a hate crime report against the six drivers that buzzed me today?

If NYC is the aluminum Jamis with a pie plate of cycling, does that make Boston the Wal-mart Huffy mountain bike of cycling?

Even though I went to a bike show in NYC, the extent of my riding experience there is central park on a badly adjusted rental hybrid and some small circles in the middle of the show on the Opus Lugano city bike.

PS - I'm the heckler that shouted "This is bullshit! Bike Snob is so over!"

PPS - Did you have a personal tech assistant on your BRA tour or something? Still can't figure out how to plug a Macbook into a projector?

You need this thnigy:

And this thingy:

McFly said...

There is this....

Anonymous said...

Damn, you missed your chance to be a great country songwriter.
Perhaps it's not too late.

Jed said...

Jamis sounds and reads too much like jammies. Only a pussy would ride a jamis.
Scattante is way too close to scat. Only a shithead would buy, then ride a scattante.
Specialized is for the insecure cyclist whose search for a bike begins and ends at the closest LBS. "At least the suggests I made the right choice" See Trek for same.
Felt is good.
Cannondale is good until you encounter the proprietary parts sizing.
There are others. To be continued. Glad you're back!

Anonymous said...

Nice to have you back Snobby. Do listen to the haters.


crosspalms said...

Maybe Mr. Samuels is just having CLEAR!! nightmares about defibrillators after CLEAR!! several mornings of listening to CLEAR!! bunches of Freds running red CLEAR!! lights.

Oh, and CAR BACK!! welcome back, Snob. Hope all's well.

Anonymous said...

The "do not touch" bike looks a bit like a Pashley Guvnor; similar shape. Probably isn't, though....

hey nonny mouse

lob said...

Pay no attention to that all knowing handsome virile godlike crustacean behind the curtain ...

Anonymous said...

That was do not listen. Too fast with the fingers. Brain not attached.


Captain Hardbread said...

enjoyed a post-bra ride with the wildcat himself, "roar" he said... not able to attend the bra at the bike show because of work, I left the historic cast iron districway to start my weekend to encounter a rider in a dandy tan Brookes coat and black cycle cap, making sure not to come even come close to shoal him (and become subject of his bad photography) I srtuck up a conversation & we rode about 8 blocks fred chatting at the lights before he turned off to cross over the big skanky on a different bridge than I... It was a pleasure to meet you too WCRM/RTMS next time I'm asking about Death Penguins!
ps today I'm changing my studded tire so I can sneak up on people

Fredward Penishands said...

Finger Bang'ing! YES!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


Anonymous said...

You might check the manual on this, but I don't think you're allowed to say anything like "or maybe Sausalito" in a piece of professional writing.

Regardless, I'm surprised the people of Piermont can even hear the Freds over the din of car-horns at every intersection, as pushy douches repeatedly jump the stop-sign order and cut off whiny crybaby douches all day long. Oh wait, sorry, that's the intersection outside my window in Portland.

CommieCanuck said...

Wait, there's a NEW Amsterdam? What happened to the old one? Did everyone wander out of hash bars and forget where it was? I hate when that happens.

--CC, from New Toronto.

CommieCanuck said...

Upon returning to NY, it's always the aroma that makes me nostalgic. A combination of car exhaust, Pabst Blue Ribbon vomit and hobo pee. Brings a tear to my eye...seriously, something burns.

headlongintomyownurine said...

Careful with that piermont pee protest Snobby. Remember what almost happened when you and Brad rode to "The Land of Make Believe"?

headlongintomyownurine said...

what I meant to say was , look out for those slippy leaves in the land of make believe.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 11:50am...we can't hear you out here due to the sound of "...the nose-stinging bubbles..." of our delightful marin champagne "...of smugness..." popping in our ears....

...why do you think they named one of the coolest bike loops in the county 'paradise drive', fool ???...never mind, you wouldn't get it...

...why do you think so many city riders regularly ride over the bridge & do the loop, fool ???...never mind, you wouldn't get that either...

...smugness is keeps the fools at bay...

Anonymous said...

For the book that details Mr. Samuel's struggle with alcoholism and crankiness, purchase "White Water, Fire Water" (Up the Buttocks Publishing,2012)

mikeweb said...


I'm not positive, but maybe anon 11:50 was referring to something else. If that's the case, I'm not sure if it's an epithet or an intimate request.

As I can personally attest, paradise and environs is about as good as it gets.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...clicked on 'something else', only to have my "referral denied'...seems i "...don't have permission to access..." blah, blah, blah...

...i'm palpably nonplussed...

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...dunno what the forced break was about, bsnyc/rtms/wcrm but i hope things are as decent as can be...

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but I stayed awake for the entire BSNYC BRA at the New Amsterdam bike thing, notwithstanding the fact that like the good burghers of Piermont whose weekend repose is interrupted by the early ejaculations of cyclists, my Saturday began way too early with the unfelicitous strains of Con Edison jack hammers.

BSNYC was illuminating, although my dog opined that in place of the missing slide show, he would have used shadow puppets.

Of course, my dog is hardly a reliable observer.

All of his shadow puppets look the same (but mention that and he carries on about the smugness of people with opposable thumbs).

And besides, he missed BSNYC's talk because the free beverage limit in the show's beer garden area was enforced informally and he couldn't tear himself away.

Oh well, at least he says he now knows how to prepare for our next ride through Piermont.

Anonymous said...


getting defensive about Marin?

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 3:28pm...

..."...bwahahahahahahahahahaha, chuckle, chortle, hahaha...ummm, no, not really at all..."...

...i was just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...& btw, we have have some pretty upstanding folks around here...

... here's one of our local 'roads scholars' being featured in the news ... got a future, any way you look at it...

McFly said...

Oh man when I saw the Marin reference in the blog I was Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Helllllllllllllllll here we go...I am glad you did not let me down BGW.

Anonymous said...

top 75?

bikesgonewild said... on the link above & while i apologize ahead of time that the story doesn't actually involve sex, you know this kid was prob'ly bangin' expensive hookers paid for with stolen cash...

mikeweb said...


About the bad link, think Marin as a who, not as a where...

That story sounds like 'Minute to Win it' meets 'Gone in 60 Seconds' meets, um, 'Risky Business'(?)

McFly said...

Yeah I checked it out, that kid was temporary baller sonnnnn. He's all good too because he is not 18 yet.

bikesgonewild said...

...ahhh, the cheech...

...when the car was taken & then seen on various security cams in various locales, we all kinda hadda laugh despite guy fieri being sorta local 'cuz you just knew his ass was covered...

...sure enough, chevy gave him a new camaro convertible to help him over 'the heartbreak' (he drives around in an old '69 camaro convertible on his 'diners, dives & drive-ins' tv show - tough work, if you can get it) & i'm sure insurance leased him a new lamborghini gallardo, so it wasn't hard to appreciate the humorous aspects of something so high profile disappearing with no leads, yet being seen driving around...

Salty and Sore said...

Yes, indeed.

There was a show on the Discovery Science Channel about that 'no touchy' bike set-up.

I guess portaging red wine in the crothal area imbues the wine with an 'woody' overtone, while warming it up to a more optimal, douching temperature.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the link, bgw.

I am def. rooting for the kid in Pt. Richmond.

Perhaps the judge will throw out the case, due to the douchetastic nature of the plaintiff.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Piermont may be Valhalla, but only Nyack has the Runcible Spoon.

Anonymous said...

As an aside, Guy Fieri is arguably the only person of note to ever graduate from UNLV.

McFly said...

That dude has a Lambroghini? I remember seeing his picture thinking "I did not know working at T.G.I. Fridays payed so well". Oh he dresses like that all the time? That's cool. I guess. He should have put the keys in the console instead of leaving them in the ignition.

Anonymous said...

If you think that I am kidding, google "distinguished UNLV graduates." You will return no meaningful results.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...they dined on mince & pieces of quince, which they ate with a runcible spoon..."...

...we're talking about the owl & the pussycat, not guy fieri & his pals...

...i've heard he eats a rich man's douche diet...

leroy said...

WIWM -- But Bunbury's in Piermont has The Dog's Bollix Coffee.

I like to ask my dog if he wants to stop for some because he doesn't know what he's missing.

That always pisses him off.

tomt said...

That may be the most egregious disembodied hand shot that I have ever seen. Plus, I think that the pair of blue goobers with the twinned yellow tie wraps look way more out of place than the wine bottle.
It has been a long dry week, though.

Anonymous said...

So how aboot that Andrew Talansky? He looks like Next Yank Hope. IF, and that's a big if, Tilford retires.

McFly said...

That dude onthe right in the Hilpster shot looks like a young Bruce McCullough, The Eradicator. It's about damn time for another Kids in the Hall reference.

JDH said...

"Ape hanger bars?" What cave have you been been curating, Snobster? Now-a-days, we call them "apers". You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Marin can suck my ball

Who am I?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Tilf got stoned on perks, got burrito'd (unepic) up in his dogs blanket and fell in love with a tree. Been there. Done that. It's all well and good until that knothole splinters on ya'.

A. Hitler said...

Anonymous said...
Marin can suck my ball

Who am I?

April 30, 2012 7:09 PM

ANSWER: A. Hitler

Anonymous said...

wait a second,,,does that mean that aluminum is dorkier than crabon,,,or is just the jamis?

Fred Douche' (dew-shay) said...

Welcome back snobbie.

Where are my stickers?

Very rude dude.

Anonymous said...

Googled UNLV distinguished graduates but found their undergrad core curriculum instead:
Music 101:famous ringtones for slot machines
Usic 201: famous wayne newton, elvis, cher,
Music 301: the rat pack and associated acts

Art history 101: experiential learning--caesar's palace as historical landmark

American history 101: context of the gold nugget

American history 201: LV before, during, and after hoover dam

Shuffling cards
Dealing for blackjack
Texas holdem

Anonymous said...

Vito could have helped operate that computer. If he hadn't vanished mysteriously. As did Spencer.
I notice a disturbing trend...

Anonymous said...

UNLV elective: Should your toddler go with you to pole-dancing class or should you leave the brat with its dad, your methhead boyfriend?

Anonymous said...

If you google "wipe your ass," it aoutocompletes "with your UNLV degree."

Quilled and Lugged said...

On the grouchy Piermont end of things in Marin, there is that sign by the road in Nicasio that asks cyclists to talk quietly. I mean, it's more likely to be Ducatis than Harleys drowning out everything else, but please... why live on the main road if you can't handle a few decibels on a Sunday morning?

bgw, if you're still around, Paradise isn't so great - not enough hills.

Anonymous said...

Anon 750, 755

I kackled in public on the first one.

I tempted to start poking fun at my English degree, but its just too painful

bikesgonewild said...

...quilled n' lugged...that's why mt tam was put my late 50's, (about to turn 63 - whoa !!!) i was doing the mountain loop from the fairfax side, past the dam, up, along 'the sisters', down through pantoll & through the tight turns into tam junction, regularly...

...i wasn't fast but i was doing it... since i was in a serious ass car accident, not so much...

...but if one wants to just hop on a bike & with easy accessibility, ride a twisty, fun road, my moneys still on paradise drive...

McFly said...

What are clicky bike regulations in Pe'ermount? Is there a decibal limit? I mean I'm good but what if the do a triathlon?

rudy jenkins said...

It's great to have you back, old friend.

Blog Drafter said...

What is the sound of one Fred chatting?

Quilled and Lugged said...

bgw, well maybe that's what I'll be doing in 15 years then.

Anonymous said...


Can you upload another picture other than a side view of your man titty?

suedepede said...

Were you hoping for something more frontal?

Anonymous said...

UNLV graduate degree: Cagefighting; How to properly launder a UFC jock strap.

helena said...

They recommend a U-Lock, it is a heavy duty lock that is nearly impossible to break through. It can't guarantee your bike won't be stolen but it will discourage thieves from trying.

bike seat

Anonymous said...

It looks like a Guvnor because it is a Guvnor. The decal on the top-tube says so. Purdy.

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

The Emu of Updated Coolness will be monitoring you from hence forth. He may tap the glass, you may not tap the glass, under no circumstances should you tap the glass. Tap that ass...not that glass.

Anonymous said...

BS, Please.... It's BIG George. In just two months it will again be time for the annual Tour of French Wine, Cheese & Chateau Country and every day Sherwin et al will say over and over "Big George Hincapie".

Helena said...

I do not, however, have a U-Lock on my white cotton panties...

Helena said...

They are VERY possible to break through and I can all but guarantee you it can be stolen...or at least borrowed for just a bit.

Anonymous said...

First time scrolling through the comments, not-so-secretly hoping I'd hear something good about my bike, and boy are these unreadable. At least someone spied the Eradicator!

Anonymous said...

Last arse

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2GirlsTeachSex said...

OMG OMG, cute doggie these.

The 2 Girls Teach Sex

Robert said...

That bottle of wine there is a bad idea.

Free Hosting said...

I mean, it's more likely to be Ducatis than Harleys drowning out everything else, but please... why live on the main road if you can't handle a few decibels on a Sunday morning?
_________________________ |

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