Thursday, January 12, 2012

Winning the Lottery: Fredical Mass

In yesterday's post, I mentioned Prospect Park's Barrels of Shame. Naively, it was my impression that the Department of Transportation was relying entirely on these barrels to solve the problem of speeding cyclists. How wrong I was. In fact, I was riding through Prospect Park last night on my safety bicycle when I discovered that the DOT has now unleashed Phase II of the Barrels of Shame scheme for undoing cyclists, this one being the Giant Free-Standing Sign in the Middle of the Road:

(Giant Free-Standing Sign in the Middle of the Road lurking in the park at night like a lonely man cruising for anonymous sex.)

As you can see, the concept behind the Giant Free-Standing Sign in the Middle of the Road is simple: should a cyclist position himself wrongly in relation to the Barrels of Shame and approach them at an excessive rate of speed, he or she will collide with the Giant Free-Standing Sign in the Middle of the Road. Thus incapacitated, he or she will no longer pose a threat to the good people of Brooklyn--at least until the bones knit.

Keeping cyclists injured and off their bikes is American Urban Planning 101.

Nevertheless, the fun-filled act of bicycle-cycling remains a popular pastime for the people of New York and elsewhere, which is why the TD Bank Five Boro Bike Tour is very possibly the World's Biggest Fred Ride, attracting upwards of 30,000 people to the city each spring, some of whom carry their pets on their top tube:

The ingenious saddle atop which the dog was sitting was upholstered in a comfy-looking carpet-like material that perfectly matched the dog's coat, and I'm not lying when I say the ornery dog snarled like a two-stroke engine and did his very best to chew off the fingers of anybody who dared lean in for a closer look at the proprietary technology.

I've attended the Five Boro Bike Tour a number of times in vaguely-defined help-giving capacity, but I've only actually ridden in it once. I don't recall the exact year, but it was sometime in the 1990s, and Kestrels and mountain bikes that never saw dirt were extremely popular, which meant that everyone was on either one or the other. Upon finishing the ride I vowed never to participate in it again--not because it wasn't a lovely ride, but because tens of thousands of others also felt the same way which made much of it feel like waiting to go through security at JFK. In fact, someone even tried to make me submit to a full body scan at one of the rest stops, though in retrospect the paper badge that said "OFICIAL VOLANTEER" in crayon could have been a sign he wasn't a legitimate part of the tour organization.

In any case, I must not have been the only one to nearly fall victim to the old "OFICIAL VOLANTEER" ploy, because as of this year the World's Largest Fred Ride will be awarding the coveded Pinnies of Fredness on a lottery basis:

This means that, like a cyclocross race, "call-ups" will be all-important if you want to get the BQE holeshot and win this completely non-competitive event:

To avoid a bottleneck like last year’s on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, Mr. Podziba said, Bike New York will space out riders across three starting times.

Also, they're swapping Shore Parkway for the Gowanus, which is like when they sneak a 105 bottom bracket into your "full Dura-Ace" bike:

The route is also being changed, with riders taking the Gowanus Expressway instead of the Shore Parkway toward Staten Island.

However, to make up for it, you get a new rest stop (beware "OFICIAL VOLANTEERs" bearing latex) as well as entertainment:

He said Bike New York was adding a rest stop at Brooklyn Bridge Park with restrooms, food, water and entertainment.

No word yet on what that entertainment will be, but I'm hoping for either artistic cyclist extraordinaire Serge Huercio:

Or else those two synchronized swimmers I mentioned yesterday:

Well, they did say "water and entertainment."

Speaking of entertainment, there's a moment in all of our young lives when we seek out unsanctioned, non-parentally-vetted entertainment for the first time. Very often, this entertainment is music. Nowadays, these crazy kids with their Sony Sports Walkmen and their digital food processors can just "down load" music from the "Inter Net," but when I was a child we had to actually go to the store and buy a record bigger than our face.

I remember very clearly the first time I went to a record store all by myself and bought an album of my own choosing with my own money, and this was it was:

I don't even know why I wanted it. Somewhere or somehow I had heard about it, and I had to have it. When I came home, I didn't want anybody to look at it or ask me about it. It was mine. I didn't really know what the pentagram was--an evil Star of David perhaps?--but it was exciting. I also didn't know what a "Mötley Crüe" was, but I figured they must be pretty scary if they had the audacity to shout at the devil, and this was reaffirmed by the band photos on the inside of the album:

Yes, this was actually scary to me at the time, though now they just look like some guys who couldn't decide if they should dress like football players or porn queens and therefore decided to split the difference.

Anyway, I loved my Mötley Crüe album. It was weird and it described sex acts I wouldn't learn about for like ten more years, and every time I played it I felt like I was committing an act of rebellion. Eventually though, something happened: I discovered punk and hardcore music. What had once seemed rebellious was now just embarrassing. These Hollywood assholes were the enemy! Suddenly, I was ashamed of my Mötley Crüe album, and so one day I took it outside and shot it full of holes with a BB gun.

I found myself thinking about this recently in the context of Lance Armstrong after having read that Outside article everyone's talking about:

I tend not to mention Lance Armstrong much, only because doing so tends to ignite tedious helment debate-esque "flame wars," and to elicit crackpot theories like this:

3. Could Dopers Be Forming 'Strategies' Ties With Blogs? : The oldest trick in the book is to manipulate human perception about the truth through mass media propaganda. I laid out a plausible theory here that this sort of clandestine alliance might be happening between Armstrong and his blogging friends, among them which includes Fat Cyclist (Elden Nelson) and BSNYC (____ _____). These two cycling blogs, who command a wealth of American readers, have revealed quite ostentatiously that they are friends of L.A. Their blogs, like Rick Reilly's unpopular ESPN columns, could potentially become a tool to brainwash people. At the other end, a single link from Armstrong on his Twitter account could divert millions of people to read the blogs.

I must have missed the "ostentatious friend announcement," though I'm oddly flattered by the notion that my blog could possibly "manipulate human perception about the truth through mass media propaganda."

You didn't just see that.

Anyway, I started thinking about all of this because at the moment the cycling world's relationship with Lance Armstrong is exactly like mine was with that Mötley Crüe record, and right now everybody wants to make a big show out of shooting him full of holes. Just look at the image "Outside" used, in which they spared his penis, but not by much:

Of course, when I really think about it, the real reason I hated the Mötley Crüe record was because it was evidence that I had once been "uncool," and what better way to prove that I was hardcore than destroying that evidence? Similarly, that's why magazines like Outside are now so desperate to show their disdain for someone who was once their favorite cyclist--it's a contrived attempt by a mainstream publication to cultivate a hardcore image.

However, besides the headline and the penile near-misses, the actual article contains non-bombshells such as this:

During an investigation that played out over several months—involving dozens of interviews and careful examination of Livestrong’s public financial records—I found no evidence that Armstrong has done anything illegal in his role as the face of the organization.

And this:

On the program side, I learned that Livestrong provides an innovative and expanding suite of direct services to help cancer survivors negotiate our Kafkaesque health care system.

And this:

The foundation gave out a total of $20 million in research grants between 1998 and 2005, the year it began phasing out its support of hard science. A note on the foundation’s website informs visitors that, as of 2010, it no longer even accepts research proposals.

This is sort of like shooting at your Mötley Crüe album because you want to impress your hardcore friends but complementing Mick Mars on his outstanding guitar work as you're doing it. I guess I was supposed to be outraged when I read the article, but instead I mostly just thought about Charles Barkley, another retired athlete, and his $10 million gambling losses.

Looking back, I still think my Mötley Crüe album was ridiculous, but I now think my relationship with it was even more ridiculous. First I loved that record, then I hated it. There was never an in between. Now, though, I realize why this was, and for that reason I'm more embarrassed now about having destroyed the record than I am about having owned it.

It's kind of lame to be embarrassed about having liked something, or about still liking something. It's also lame to feel like you have to make a big empty show of how much you don't like it now--especially when you're doing it mostly because everybody else suddenly is. And that's the mainstream media's specialty. They're like the kid who wouldn't talk to you in high school and then reinvents himself in college and wants to show you his new tattoo.

Just relax, mainstream magazines, and roll you pant cuff back down over your tribal ankle tattoo. It's OK that you liked Mötley Crüe.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Paul Bowen said...


Anonymous said...

yeah, baby!

Anonymous said...


Spokey said...

Top Tin?

Ohne Romney said...


Anonymous said...

More panties!

Anonymous said...

Still more panties!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

AYHSMP (...sniff my panties!)

OBA said...

late 911 wears the late crown!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Okay, enuff panties . . . for now!

theEel said...


Anonymous said...

i came in with the snow storm!

Paul Bowen said...

Sorry WRM but the annual London-Brighton charity ride in aid of the British Heart Foundation attracts more than 50,000 entrants, making it comfortably Earth's Biggest Fred Ride.

Anonymous said...

Now, Snob, don't be sexist. Lonely women can cruise for anonymous sex, too.

Anonymous said...

I went to see a Motley Crue gig once; they had Cheap Trick supporting who were far better....

hey nonny mouse

Kenny said...

That Outside article is just too long. If you know what I mean...

misster-PISSTA aka eriK Zo said...

Yeah-- I found punk and got rid of my SKA records cuz they wernt cool "punque"was that but that was 1980... I started try to find them again and it wasnt till the CD came along that I had all the songs I missed, these days I'm more likey to put on a Specials RECORD than I am to play that SSD album and JAZZ well was that ever cool to young punx? I can't get enough of it...Is that just part of getting old like needing a higher stem and lower gears??

EnglishSnob said...

"Armstrong and his blogging friends, among them which includes Fat Cyclist (Elden Nelson) and BSNYC (____ _____). These two cycling blogs, who command a wealth . . ." Hunh? Among which includes? And blogs who command, not blogs that command? Crap!

Paul Bowen said...

In my punk rock ground zero moment I didn't shoot the records (simple possession of a BB gun can get you 20 years in the UK) I sold them. Not that many, I was only quite young, maybe 70-80 singles and albums, but boy I wish I could have them back now.

Anonymous said...

Lance Vs. Bret Michaels

Who has slain more poon?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Is it still ok to ridicule my ex-wife?


More Lance Armstrong or Ima fucking kill you

Marcel Da Chump said...

My brain could use a good wash.

Grump said...

"Also, they're swapping Shore Parkway for the Gowanus, which is like when they sneak a 105 bottom bracket into your "full Dura-Ace" bike:"

Or a 105 cassette.

Best line of the year..(so far)

Talking about Armstrong in a positive way is a little like stiring the french fry oil at McDonalds......All sorts of nasty things jump out at you.

McFly said...

I just kickstarted my Fart.

Anonymous said...

Well Snobby - the same edition of Outside had a hard-hitting article on bikes thieves that was as soft as a marshmellow and twice as hard to get down. I detect an editor pumping up 2 pieces of mediocre writing. Film at 11. Yeah, they like to Lance-bash. I hope he bashes back. Don't think I'll renew my subscription.


Anonymous said...

I think the only way the brainwashing via blogs would be bias, due to relationships and the varying positions as independent purveyors of blogs.

I didn't read the article in Outside. I started to and they seem to adopt the tone of Men's journal or something like that, where every sentence is a directive opinions are not up for debate, and conformity is the word.

With respect to doping, it is common knowledge that it is widespread in cycling. The media needs to occupy itself with riling people up, to gain readership and henceforth cash. It is as corrupt as doping in cycling.

Owen said...


For fear that I will be lost among the other 500 comments... Come to Roanoke, VA. Not for you and your book sales, but for Roanoke and the cycling community here. Sure you can promote your book, but your presence will do more for Roanoke than Roanoke will do for you. But Roanoke can do things for you. You can be the MC for a roller racing event. You can visit the shop owned by the man that sold the bike to the girl who rode it naked (11/10/08 post). You can ride on excellent roads like the BRP. You can race a twilight crit. Among other things. Think about it. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I am a regular commenter posting anonymously because the comment board of a snarky bike blog is not the place for touchy-feely oversharing about my personal journey. I lost my wife to breast cancer last year.

If you have never been involved in the cancer battle on a personal level, you must be mystified about the dust-up over funding hard research towards a cure as opposed to patient support. You would also fail to realize that prior to the Livestrong effort, there was no major organization focused on resources and emotional support for those facing this daunting battle.

God bless Livestrong for what they have done for the cancer community. There are plenty of other resources funding basic research for a cure, but pitifully few dedicated to doing what Livestrong is doing.

And what is Livestrong doing that is so different? Instead of funding research for the discovery of a cure, they provide assistance and hope to those undergoing treatment, trying to help them find peace and information on resources available to them.

I don't care whether Lance doped or not. I don't care if he cooked and ate a baby. He is and will always remain a hero to me for what he has done not just for awareness of the disease, but for the patient support services he has coordinated.

space cowboy said...

i really love those peaches, want to shake their trees

Anonymous said...

Top XL in MMXII ??

Anonymous said...

That was the Crue's Magnum Opus.

le Correcteur said...

Insightful article today, WRC/Snob. Congrats on defining adolescent angst so well, and connecting it to, well, adolescent publications.

If I never read another article on "Gear You've got to Have" or "Rides you've got to Do" I'll die happy. Or at least I'll die. It's as bad as those Rodale publications like Buyceekleen and Mehn's Health.

Anonymous said...


Barrels of Shame scheme for undoing cyclists

Anonymous said...

I saw the Crue back in the 80's! It was comically awesome.

I also drudged through that dumb Outside article... So tepid and silly. He basically "uncovered" nothing. Just another lazy piece of "journalism" that masquerades as important when it's really just a desperate marketing plea for sales.

But you're right: most of the people I know who hate Armstrong only got into cycling b/c of him. Now they're embarrassed and have to name drop Coppi and Binda and act like they've always appreciated Anquetil and the Ronde. So you bought a bunch of yellow shit 8 years ago, get over yourself, no one cares. Glad you're into cycling now, just let it go. Breathe...

Some cynic said...

Pretty much any magazine is primarily an advertisement delivery system. Any article that gets a lot of attention is a good article as far as the owners are concerned.

ploeg said...

Then you have the other big change to Five Boro Bike Tour: this year, instead of mailing the registration packets and rider vests to riders, they are requiring riders to pick up their packets and vests in person at Pier 36 in Manhattan on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday before the ride, photo ID required. Their initial justification for making this change was to "reduce the environmental impact" of the ride (as if there were less environmental impact in requiring 150+ lb. people to trundle themselves to Pier 36 to pick up a 3 oz. packet than there is in giving the 3 oz. packet to the postal employee who's going to stop at the rider's house anyway). Now they're saying that the reason is to "reduce the number of registration scalpers and packet scammers". Whatever, I just hope for their sake that they have thought through how they're going to handle packet pickup. Assuming that two-thirds of the riders won't be able to pick up their packets until the day before the ride, and that it will take 90 seconds average to check ID, run through the list, check off the name, and hand the packet to to the rider, they will likely need the capacity to process at least 40 packets per minute, every minute, all day long. Otherwise they're just going to transfer the traffic jam from the expressway to Pier 36.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Guilty!...I saw Motley Crüe ('86,MSG)...and even more
egregiously; I sold my vinyl...which included the Dead Kennedys and Rockpile plus a slew of other irreplaceable artifacts.

Yes, Misster Pissta, le jazz is hot.

crosspalms said...

I have a black cat named Midnight who likes to roll on his back, stretch out his legs and have his belly rubbed. I'm not sure what this has to do with Lance, but the subliminal instructions seemed pretty clear. I think.

Condolences to anon 2:14 and I agree Lance and Livestrong do good work. More power to them.

mr wookie said...

üse möar ümlauts!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

The Crue Are Still Relevant

Im a contemplative engine said...

Snob, don't take it too hard, because you know bloggers are really the root of all evil.

Lance is a likeable guy, I know of no cyclist that does not respect him for what he has accomplished.

The guys at Outside Magazine are just a bunch of corporate cubicle dwellers pretending to be light journalists.

Unfortunatley that is what happens when corporations or non-for -profits get too big and lose their souls.

I however am going to ride my bicycle in the snow and smile.

bikesgonewild said...

...eldon / fatty & family went through some serious ass trials & tribulations & initially it was awesome to see the support that came in from individuals & many organizations including livestrong...

...but after awhile, once things evolved to where susan unfortunately passed away & fatty found a new wife in someone who had given him solace, the whole bruyneel / armstrong / trek connection grew to the point where it was easy to choke on the 'koolaid' 'cuz it was flowing fast n' thick...

...i'll always think the best of & for fatty but i hadda stop reading his blog...

...i was getting 'koolaid' burns...

Anonymous Sex said...


a fish named Fred said...

who´s Lance Armstrong?

jno62 said...

There won't be any "cure" for cancer.

There is no money in a "cure".

And "we" are all about money.

Just like Chris Rock said.

Etherhuffer said...

Lance has done cool things, but I wouldn't want to have a beer with the guy.

Anonymous said...


the Stranglers said...

will you just take a look over there (where?) there
is she tryin' to get outta that clitares.?
liberation for women
that's what I preach
preacher man

walking on the beaches looking at the peaches

Blog Drafter said...

Good post Snob, worthy of intelligent comment. I hope you get some.

One thing about Lance is how standoffish he was towards the Europeans and their scene. They sure hated him.

It's amazing, those swimmers. It's like they know all about each others bodies. Mmmmm.

Anonymous said...

i'm tired of the lance haters, the guy beat cancer and won the tdf 7 fucking times and most importantly raised awareness and hundreds of millions for cancer, which by the way he didn't have to do. next time you are jumping on the L.A. sucks bandwagon ask yourself what have you done lately.

Sergey Chemezov said...

I see the Lance Army made it in early.

I too lost a loved one to cancer. Why does that qualify anyone's opinion?

The article simply points out that among all charities, the Liveswrong operations do not present any kind of consistency, or pass any kind of simple scrutiny compared to the countless number of charitable organizations that can and do.

-A charitable organization is supposed to have lots of fiscal transparency. Livestrong doesn't.

-This charitable organization charter is fused with numerous for-profit entities like lives-strongDOTcom such that there is no way to know where one begins and the other ends.

-A charitable organization whose primary?/secondary? purpose is to elevate the status of the founder using the sick and dying and that's all good? Really?

-Am I supposed to ignore the simple fact the charitable organization was founded by a guy who gave himself cancer by doping since he was a Junior on Chris Carmichael and Rene Wenzel's USAC team? Look up Greg Strock's story. It's all there.

Anonymous said...

etherhuffer, I'm sure lance will be broken up that you don't want to have a beer with him. i'm guess the feeling is probably mutual for lance and most people.

Beerfueled said...

Anonymous 1:55:

Do you mean Vince Neil?

Anonymous said...

I hate to break it to you, but as terrible as motley crue is they are still way better than the dead kennedy's and 99% of their comtemporaries (black flag, et al).

Olle Nilsson said...

10,000 cyclists on mostly rural roads on the STP offended my sense of antisocialability. Can't imagine 3x that in the city. Sounds like torture.

Anyone following the Antarctic girl. Gotta say, I'm less impressed by the day. Big film/support crew, hardly cycling at all (mostly kite skiing), hot showers and a sherpa to go ahead, set up camp and cook. I've changed my mind; the guy riding solo to the Arctic ocean in Arctic winter (it's "summer" in Antarctic) gets my vote for crazy.

As far as LA, not a fan in general but, what Anon 2:14 said. Research mostly makes for happy biotech shareholders.

Anonymous said...

I stayed up until midnight to watch the MTV premiere of 'shout at the devil'. Thank you BYNC for reminding me of this! I too moved on to punk but when a good Crue song comes on....I still sing along.

Anonymous said...

Neighborhood BMX track.
Summer nights.
Catching air.
Shout out the devil.

Pretty good times.

Anonymous said...

I think people might have I bit more tolerance for Armstrong if he wasn't so fucking arrogant.

bikesgonewild said... don't win 7 tours de france unless you are truly one kick ass & amazingly focused individual with the ability to overcome serious adversity...

...i will always have a respect for lance armstrong & his cycling abilities...

...i will always have a respect for lance armstrong for founding an organization that has attempted to globally raise awareness of the insidious disease called cancer...

...what i can't respect is lance armstrong's denials of 'enhancement' during his pro cycling career, his constant & vicious defamation of those who admitted they were a part of those organized doping programs with him, his inability to 'man up' & his present use of the livestrong organization's skirt to hide behind...

...but, as a gentleman from austin, texas said to me recently..."...our boy has too much to lose..."...

Anonymous said...

Forget Outside magazine, they're small potatoes. When this blows over Lance should sue the WSJ for, like, a billion dollars for that cut and paste hack job they did. A major newspaper should be about more than "he said, she said". They're the pathetic ones.

Then, with the $37.50 he gets after the lawyer fees he should buy a nice little thingy for one of his Treks.

Just sayin.

Also, Eldon is a shill, he gave it up a while ago. Who cares if he does another triathlon?

leroy said...

My dog is very upset about that stick figure sign near the canine biathlon target barrels in Prospect Park.

He says Marty Markowitz is trying to manipulate human perception through propaganda designed to make himself look svelte.

I told him to lighten up.

He put on his best monotone and replied "Yes master, I hear and I obey."

Hairy legged smart ass.

No way am I gonna ride domestique for him in this year's Five Boro Bike Tour.

He can pay his own pooper scooper ticket.

Anonymous said...

"Similarly, that's why magazines like Outside are now so desperate to show their disdain for someone who was once their favorite cyclist--it's a contrived attempt by a mainstream publication to cultivate a hardcore image."

At the risk of losing readership? I doubt it. I think most will find it is still more financially lucrative to either side with Armstrong or ignore the issue altogether (see Nike, RadioShack, Oakley, FRS) than to speak out against him. As far as I can tell, the allegations haven't yet cost him a single dime in endorsement deals. So what is the incentive to speak out against him? Oh right - to appear "hardcore." What does appearing "hardcore" mean exactly, Snob? Being hypercritical? Sorry - you've cornered the market on that one, unless any Pink-Floyd-jersey-wearing-recumbent-bike-riding-Grand-Fondo-cyclists want to argue otherwise. Yup - you've easily got the "hardcoriest" cycling blog out there.

I too have lost loved ones to cancer and have even more fighting it now. I do thank God that Livestrong has such wonderful people working for it who care so much. Shame that most of the money you spend on a yellow piece of plastic you wear on your wrist goes to make more yellow pieces of plastic for others to wear on their wrists, though.

Kind of like most of the money you spent on that Motley Crue album went to the record label and not for the boys to get music lessons.

It insults me that Armstrong wants to use the names of my loved ones with cancer as a shield to protect him against those that wish him to be held accountable for his transgressions. I don't know when being held accountable became synonymous with "suffering at the hands of those that want to be perceived as hardcore." But my interpretation of the shifting tide of many a media source has more to do with the slow accumulation of evidence that reveals things for what they really are....And as hard as it is to grow up, there comes a time to put childish things aside...and then you realize that both Motley Crue and Lance really do suck.

I for one appreciate that Outside, and the WSJ, and Sports Illustrated, and 60 minutes, and the New York Times and all of those other "mainstream" publications don't have a problem with calling a spade a spade.

Dr. Feelgood said...

There is no scientific evidence that performance enhancing drugs cause testicular cancer, so the comments that Lance caused his own cancer by juicing are just uninformed (science, it is a bitch).
As for his foundation, they do the heavy lifting in the battle against cancer; dealing with those who have it and trying to make their lives a little bit easier.
I was not a Lance fan (I was a Big George fan), but the guy did something positive for others by using his popularity/notoriety.
And as for Crue being better than the Dead Kennedys.....SMB!

yogisurf said...

"These two cycling blogs, who command a wealth of American readers.." That's rich..Fat Who??? Never heard of 'im. Hey, where did my pants go...who cares..there's the recumbent lady.

Anonymous said...

An employee of Bicycling going after Outside magazine is absolutely hilarious! Stick to making fun of hipsters in skinny jeans—this is not your forte.

yogisurf said...

Bikesgonewild summed up L.A. for me.

Buy-cycle said...

Of course, it all makes sense. You're part of the pro-lance Armstrong propaganda that is overtly trying to sway public opinion. Come to think of it, I reckon you orchestrated the 9/11 attacks, Kennedy's assassination, and the sinking of the Titanic. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Anonymous said...

Gods Gift should get a Prickometer to check his ego.

Anonymous said...

'Lance is one bad ass bike racer'
Floyd Landis

Non-fanatical said...

@bgw 3:08 +1

I'll recycle a comment I made on the topic on another blog:

My problem with him is a little more nuanced than "he cheated, he lied, so he's an a$$hole".

This is because according to numerous ex-teammates, competiters, business partners, team staff members and others in the cycling community he did much more than simply cheating and then lying about it. He doped; big deal so did everyone. He lied; ditto. But what everyone else didn't do is organize the program, coerce other younger riders into doping therefore perpetuating this physically and psychologically damaging system, threaten anyone who even thought of telling what they know (or actually did) and likely bribe the very organization responsible for anti-doping enforcement to buy special treatment.

If instead of staging his comeback for 'awareness', he had come clean about his career in a confessional and apologetic tone and resigned from LiveStrong to try to limit the damage to this great and valuable organization, he could have been seen as a tragic hero, instead of what he is now.

By the way, those payments to the UCI which everyone denied until it became impossible to and really smell like bribes, came from the coffers of Livestrong.

I admire him as an athlete and a dedicated advocate of people fighting cancer, but it's obvious to many that he's fighting some pretty strong inner demons.

James Osterberg said...

I still love Motley Crew

Anonymous said...

"An employee of Bicycling going after Outside magazine is absolutely hilarious! Stick to making fun of hipsters in skinny jeans—this is not your forte."


Snobbie writes for Outside as well, don't forget.

At least Gifford starts off his article clearly stating he is biased against Armstrong. Why don't you tell us where your bias lies if you are going to bring up the issue, Snob? You certainly don't pull punches slinging darts similar to those in the Lance photo at everyone else. What gives?

Eurodude said...

@ bikesgonewild

you said it all, dude.

Anonymous said...

+1 for Eldon is a shill but he works for Microsoft so what do you expect (or worked, I quit reading his blog years ago)

Anonymous said...

Where did the panties go?
Is everyone just sucking balls?

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with BGW.
Well said.

LK said...

Lance's anger management is pretty impressive.

Anonymous Coward said...

Titling this post "Fredical Mass" was rather prescient given the comment section Snob.


Kenny Banya said...

Respectfully Anon 2:58, those are apples and oranges

Sergey Chemezov said...

Hey, Dr. Feelgood.

There's no causal link between Smoking and lung cancer either. Tobacco industry has the research to back that claim up too.

The scientific method is impossible to apply to this situation.

Some practical considerations, where would you get enough subjects to study? Where would you get the money to do the research? Where would you get the subjects and money to validate the study?

Anonymous said...

Give me another Armstrong book...that shit is fun to read on the crapper.

Etherhuffer said...

@Anon 2:54 Gee, now I am crying in my beer, all hurt and everything...

Everyone I knew told me to read his book, so I did. He really didn't inform my world, but I did learn that the earth and all the planets revolve around Mr. Armstrong. Again, I am glad for what he does if it makes people's lives better. But like any other ego driven professional sports person, I really don't fawn because they are rich, famous, blessed with great genes, or lots of steroids.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't there an Armstrong quote to the effect of "I can tolerate riding with him (and his woosie grips) for a few hours"?

Etherhuffer said...

Oh and @BGW: Does "manning up" require two testes?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:49pm,

I'm not an employee of "Bicycling," I'm a contributor. There's a big difference. I have contributed to "Outside" as well.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Marcel Da Chump said...

bgw's focus is always laser sharp....

Anonymous said...

FYI the Fat Cyclist is retiring his blog, Ironmans, Microsoft and Livestrong charity drives.

He will direct all of his future efforts to a comedy troupe with Johan Bruyneel and Levi Leipheimer.

JB said...

It sure was fun to watch Lance bicycle ride professionally. Now he's just another wealthy Fred to me. Meh.

Anonymous said...

Is contributing like giving to the sperm bank?

Anonymous said...

I'm ever impressed that Bicycling and Outside Magazines continue to solicit pieces from someone who criticizes them so vehemently....

Not that Snob doesn't have the right to criticize them. I mean - biting the hand that feeds you kind of makes you look "hardcore" - doesn't it?

Tell me - what's the difference between shooting BBs at a Motley Crue album you used to love and questioning the journalistic integrity of publications who pay you to write for them?

Salty and Sore said...

Yes, I like Lance Armstrong. He got a lot people interested in cycling.

Oh wait... I hate Lance Armstrong! He got a lot of people interested in cycling!

no.. that doesn't sound right...

Yes, I like Motley Crue. They got a lot of people interested in cycling.

mikeweb said...

Now bgw is a great guy, but shooting lasers out of his eyeballs?

Everyone knows only space cats can do that.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it´s just America realising some of its sports(entertaiment) heroes aren´t heroes, that it´s all a big sham, and that understandingly hurts.
L.A. is simply the most proeminent figure of it, and he gets the full treatment, hence the media thing going on.
One always burns what he adored when he realises he´s been cheated on. And L.A. may only be the first on the line

"Dr. Wade Exum, who was in charge of doping control at the U.S. Olympic Committee is suing the USOC, saying it undermined his effort to protect athletes. He is offering his records in court. But the committee is asking the judge to keep the records confidential because "public disclosure of these documents would cause annoyance and possible embarrassment for many individual athletes..."

Exum estimated that fewer than one in seven American athletes who tested positive for banned substances, was ever sanctioned."

Taken from

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Yep, BGW nailed it.

Poor Lance. He's really painted himself into a corner. It's not just that he can't afford to come clean and spend the rest of his life in shame and expensive lawsuits. No, by now he's so used to thinking like a corporate CEO that he probably feels it's his moral obligation to protect his enterprise, all those fans and cancer survivors and families of cancer victims by keeping his skinny ass covered in whatever way he can. The non-profit was a brilliant idea. I'm just glad that it has done some people some good.

leroy said...

I like reading Fat Cyclist.

I like reading BSNYC.

I enjoyed watching LA's races.

I am glad Livestrong is around.

There, I said it.

I haven't felt this good since my dog got community service for that unfortunate incident involving the scalping of Five Boro Bike Tour registrations as World Naked Bike ride tickets.

What I don't understand is why some folks think ipse dixit snark is sufficiently witty and insightful that it must be shared.

Please, there's enough dull stuff in the world, can folks like Anon 3:49 and 3:59 at least try to be interesting?

I'll give you a topic. Recumbabe rides without a helmet, safe or not safe? Discuss.

Anonymous said...

Gifford stated his bias at the start of his article, did snob state anything about his muffin run with Lance, or his trip to the Mellow Johnnies opening, or how about that meeting in Brooklyn when Snob sent a body double to a meeting with Lance because he was afraid someone was trying to fool him?

Anonymous said...

Forget Outside magazine. The latest Bicycling states that I should spend 10% of what I spend on a bike on a lock. Now if I were to have one of those $10,000 plus bikes that weighs 14 pounds I then need to carry $1,000 of locks which would bring the bikes weight up around that of a Rivendell.

Kenny Banya said...

Respectfully Anon 4:30, that's an apple and an orange.

Jasper said...

@g-roc said...

Anyone following the Antarctic girl.

Wow, you still remember stuff that was written about last week. Very old school of you. The rest of us are just flotsam on the tides of opinion, but at least most of the fanboys don't seem to have washed in from the Cyclingnews forum

@Kenny Banya said...

Respectfully Anon 2:58, those are apples and oranges

I had the first limited EP from Apples and Oranges, but I sold it - what A dumb thing to do...

@ Leroy said...

Recumbabe rides without a helmet, safe or not safe? Discuss.

Is it possible to fall off a recumbent?

Anonymous said...

Interesting comments today...

Let´s play instant survey (instead of "Livestrong: good or bad?"):

does anyone believe L.A. did not dope?

ladymtbiker said...

Hey Snobby-- my first record purchase was a 45 (you may have to look this up) of Elton John's Daniel:

Unlike your Motley Crue (insert diacritical marks at will here) album, there is no chance of rehabilitation here, only shame, with eventual acceptance through therapy...

Anonymous Coward said...

More important questions for which the "bottom of" needs to be gotten to:

How can we be sure it isn't a Specialized Free-Standing Sign in the Middle of the Road?
If it is, will Specialized suit Snob for referring to the sign as Giant?

Is the sign made of crabon or steel? If steel, is is getting soft?

Is the sign laterally stiff and vertically compliant?

Anonymous Coward said...

That would be *sue*

moving on.

Test Tickle said...

The first show I ever went to was Motley Crue, Shout at the Devil tour, opening for Ozzy. I was like 12-years-old. I went for Ozzy but was blown away by them LA boys - they were, in fact, better.

I used to crank SATD in my bedroom and stand directly in front of the speaker. During the song Shout at the Devil there's a weird background track that sounds like the person is saying my name. At that point I would turn it down, thinking I was getting yelled at by my dad, then realize no one was home, and go back to it. I was usually on the Wednesday weed and paranoid...

Anyway, BSNYC, there's no shame in admitting the Crue obsession. I still love that shit all these years later.

balls (OG)

Focus503 said...

@ Anonymous Etherhuffer said...

Not even a Michelob Ultra? it's practically like not having a beer at all.

Anonymous said...

My first album was Kiss Alive II.
Kmart $12.77.
Worth every penny to a kid in third grade.

Etherhuffer said...

Beer and "lite" should not occupy the same sentence nor beer label!

leroy said...

Anon 4:30 --

Imagine that, posting on one's blog without posting a link to all one's prior postings.

No one is going to put one over on you. No siree Bob.

But just in case...

Do not believe my dog if tells you he can get you a registration for this year's Five Boro Naked Bike Tour.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Thanks, mikeweb, you just made me spill some beer...and I microbrew, for cryin' out loud!

Anonymous said...

I ride my recumbent with a helmet because I have had too many people throw things at me. Believe me it doesn't take long to figure that one out when you have pelted with soda bottles and spare change.
What I do like to do is ride free balling. You just can't do that on a normal bike. I use a utilikilt. Nothing quite matches the 20 mph wind job.

bikesgonewild said...

...know what's kinda funny & sad & even kinda silly, all at the same time ???...

...for each & every one of us, it all started with simply enjoying that first bike, me, bikesnob, michael sinyard, lance armstrong, fatty, all of us...hell, even leroy's dog apparently...

...maybe a skinned knee here, a neosporined owww-y there but remember that joy, that freedom enhanced by the wind rushing over us & something deep inside called out & said " all that i've ever experienced, this is wonderful...this is almost magical..."...

...i rant n' rave & get immersed in all the bullshit about the sinyard's & the armstrong's when their foibles are brought up but i hope that you, like me, still recognize that sense of wonder & delight when you get a chance to ride your bike(s)...

...i consider myself a fortunate man 'cuz i've never lost touch with those sensations...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

I don't think we need another tedious book about bikes without brakes and nude ladies in recumbents. I'm waiting for the snob book about being recruited into playing cloak and dagger with the one-ball army. Danger! Secret meetings! Intrigue! That book would have it all.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should pen a new Armstrong book?

You know go on tour with him, fly the jet, go to interesting places, talk with interesting people, hit the zoo and watch the monkeys.
He kind of needs someone like you to make him look fun and real.

Anonymous said...

I will meet you on the corner of chocolate and peanut butter.

Bobby said...

Wildcat Rock Contributing Machine!!

You are right, Sir Snob. And again, my heartfelt thanks for contributing to my day. Nothing better than finding your words of wisdom.

Anonymous said...

You tell em, snobby - f*ck the mainstream media.
And a lovely, dare I say "forgiving" perspective.
Thank you.
Now its off to the Velonews to stir the shitpot.
Takes like three syllables and those shitheads are buzzing like bees.

PawnShop said...

bgw, re: enjoying that first bike ride...
I don't remember my first bike ride. I DO remember that first ride on a bike with hand brakes. And the endo. And the blood streaming from my skull. And knees. And hands. And elbows.

Apparently, if it causes enough brain damage, a 'first ride' will allow a person to enjoy all of their subsequent rides. Even the ones that suck.

Anonymous said...

"He kind of needs someone like you to make him look fun and real."

The snob is many things, but "fun" is not one of them...

bikesgonewild said...

...pawnshop...that's not an endo, that's a 'character builder'...

...see "...neosporined owww-y..."...

Bobby said...

Oh yes, one more thought to stir up the bees. I'll gladly have a beer with Lance, but it has to be with some real beer. I'll have the bartender flop a couple of Ultra empties next to the glasses.

As for Livestrong, you have to see the big picture. I have one of those springy yellow bands. It tells everyone I'm a cyclist more than a Serotta tells them you're a dentist.

It also reminds me of the countless cancer patients I helped over the years working in the ambulance field. I hope they all fared well.

Congratulations on your latest new book!

Jan Ulrich said...

Verstehen Sie mich nicht begonnen

me said...

Serge's bum bars are sweet!!!

My yellow bracelet is making my wrist turn green said...

Well I for one find enormously helpful....and can feel Lancie's touch in many of the articles there.

Anonymous said...

I came here looking for some panties and all I got were some poopy fruit of the looms.
Mr BSNYC you have polarized the people and you have some exaining to do.

Anonymous said...

BGW, unfortunately, your "touch" and "those sensations" both involve 9 year old boys...

Anonymous said...

I smoke weed.
Lance likes blow and EPO.
I don't think we could get along.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am a little ashamed to admit that my first record purchase ever was Electric Light Orchestra. Boy did I love those guys back them. Let's just say that my musical tastes have evolved a little, and I don't even get nostalgic when ELO comes on the nostalgia radio station.

Anonymous said...

If your nine your mine only counts when no one is looking.

Blog Drafter said...

Leroy @ 4:29 P.M.

"ipse dixit snark"

Excellent! You or your dog must surely work in the publishing industry.

Poppa Wheelie said...

Double kudos to bikesgonewild

I like to ride my bicycle

I know of but one Bike Blogger

Thank you

Poppa Wheelie said...

Oh no!


Sorry bgw!

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...really ??? music tastes run pretty eclectic but 'electric light orchestra' are definitely still in the mix...

...stuff i've listened to whilst traveling in the rocket to work n' back in the last 30 days...led zeppelin, tony bennett, elo, steely dan, amy winehouse, frank sinatra, spooky tooth, buena vista social club...

...for a start...

Anonymous said...

Anon 5:11 Anon 5:18

Bicycling (BSNYC sperm bank depository) editor Bill Strickland already covered that.
After his book I think he felt like he had been taken to a Texas Rodeo (on a date with a cute gal thinking things are going well until her brother and his friends jump you and strip you down...)
Not sure that would be a wise move for BSNYC.

Poppa Wheelie said...


Etherhuffer said...

Need some anti-Livestrong wristbands? Try this:

Anonymous said...

Lance Armstrong's... ball!!!!

bikesgonewild said... today's post kinda seemed like a foray into a "...testing the waters.." formula by bsnyc / eban with his having been alerted to the piece written by cozy beehive & ascribed here as being a "crackpot theory"...

...i'm wondering if there is a certain apprehension about feeling used by armstrong, creeping into the picture...& why shouldn't there be, if it's true... least bsnyc is honest enough to mention the article or is that simply a defensive posture 'cuz he knows it's gonna be spoken of by others ???...either way...

...bottom line, i'd suggest any activity (ie:- invitations from lance to bikesnob) would have been accepted in good faith & with no assumption other than perhaps the need to write a comical 'puff piece' on the part of our mr weiss, which is not to say that that innocence would necessarily be expected from the invitee, ya ???...

...perhaps those invitations came with a hidden "down the road" agenda & why not ???...

...say watcha will about mr lance armstrong, he is (or at least was) one savvy motherfucker when it comes to structuring his image...

...what looked to be a pretty rock solid platform to us all in the past, would have been recognized for what it really was by one man & his cohorts...

...never too early to start shoring up the battlements...

Anonymous said...

Friends stick up for friends.
Good work Snobby.
Jane O'Reily

Hairy-legged roadie said...

BSNYC: "... and right now everybody wants to make a big show out of shooting him full of holes."

The problem is that it took so long. See Simeoni affair.

Seems like you're not sure what you want to say, but feel compelled to say something since you were called out by the article. Better to drop off your Mellow Johnny T-shirts at the Goodwill and shrug when the topic comes up.

podium said...

why not?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment.

The King of Park Slope said...

Motley crew indeed.

Anonymous said...

Livestrong no longer funds research for the Mötley Cüre

highrider said...

Wasn't my first album (that was Hey Jude) but me and my friend found his brother's Kiss albums and played them constantly from 1974-76. Then I heard Elvis Costello and the Clash and my world grew...

skink said...

Anon 5:44 has got the creepiest of the creepy minds...ever.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 5:46--

My dog says he can get you a VIP registration to the Five Boro Naked Bike Ride, but you'll have to pay cash to get the discount.

You don't have to thank him. He says some folks just deserve it.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Blog Drafter --

Why I'm flattered. Most folks just assume I'm unemployable.

My dog insists it was his idea to jump the snark.

It's the closest he'll ever come to being an attack dog.

Anonymous said...

Motley Crue was what suburban kids listened to before they found the city,,,right wrm??

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:20pm,

That sums it up pretty well.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Big Charlie said...

ELO was a fave of mine too, but the first was Billy Joel's "52nd Street". Who's with me?!!?


Did see a fun DK show in '84, so I'm hoping I can still sit with the cool kids.

Big Charlie said...

Hoppin' on the nostalgia train, my first record was Billy Joel's "52nd Street". I bet a lot of you had the same experience. Hello? Hello?


Anyway, I did see a fun DK show in '84, so now can I sit with the cool kids?

Big Charlie said...

i suck at internet. sorry.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Big Charlie:

I've been wondering all day whether to divulge that, like you, my first album was "52nd Street".

Wishing you the best of the internets, but I must remain,


Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Snoopy vs. The Red Baron, by the Royal Guardsmen.

I was nine.

Anonymous said...

My name is Don Julio and I don't know for what it is that you are talking about.

Anonymous said...

It would be cool if you did an interview with Juan Pelota.
Ask him the less obvious shit.
Did he in fact listen to Mötley Crüe in 82?

Anonymous said...

160 comments, Fredical mass indeed. Snob loves Lance. They should get married.

Anonymous said...

I didn't have to hire a fluffer for the Oudside photo shoot and there was no stuffing the pants to make up for an extra ball.
The horizontal boner is real.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mr snob

Firstly, thanks for all the entertaining reading. I enjoy it very much.

I was wondering if next time you have a go at Cadel you could mention that at least he won the tdf cleanly?

Thanks. Frank

Anonymous said...

I'm so darn old that the first rock band I liked was the early Beatles, who then proceeded to morph into the late Beatles.

So the whole shame-regret cycle just didn't happen.

And BGW -- yes. Getting up on those two wheels every day is the best. Well, that, and hitting the weight transfer perfectly on skate skis.

finn maguire said...

I've canceled subscriptions to Bicycling, Men's Journal, and Outside. Cycling blogs like this and blogs with race reports are far more entertaining, informative, and real-feeling than top-10 lists and reviews for bikes I could never afford.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Meat Loaf-Bat Out Of Hell
Elton John - Captain Fantastic and The Brown Dirt Cowboy
Paul Simon - Greatest Hits

all made it home in my first Sam Goody bag

meantime - think of Letterman and Stern - these guys go after presidents, actors, models etc. - relentless - then what happens when those same folks get on the show - civility thats what

The Douchemachine is here for our entertainment purposes same as them - and he even has SHARED his conflictednessdomism in an honest and ENLIGHTENED (Cyclist) manner.

Ease off there or I'll come by your house in the middle of the night and play "two out of three ain't bad" at high volume for hours

Nikki Sixx said...


Tommy Lee said...


Marcel Da Chump said...

"Tormato" by YES: not my first, but definitely the WORST.

grog said...

Four days of the Babe.

Fat-bottemed girls,
They make the rockin' world go 'round.

ce said...

All You Haters Suck My Ball

(Surely this is not an original comment?)

Anonymous said...

I was in love with that picture for a long while.

Chris said...

I read this blog as a way of encouraging my bowels to do what they do best so I guess it does provide some influence but that has nothing to do with my opinions on anything other than what I think of BikeSnob NYC.

crosspalms said...

My first album was the soundtrack to "Bridge on the River Kwai." First single was either Sheb Woolley's "Purple People Eater" or some Austrian group's "The Little Train" (lots of yodeling). I was 7, what can I say.

BGW, the bike is still fun. I know fixies have their place, but I can't imagine giving up the feeling I get coasting down a hill. It's like getting something great for free (or almost free -- had to get up the hill, after all).

db said...

Late to the party, Snob, but wanted to say thanks for a new favorite column. Great post.

Oli said...

Great post, and very apposite. I doubt you have the time, but here's a link to my take on roughly this theme. Cheers, Oli

kfg said...

So, basically the whole kerfuffle boils down to deciding whether it was 7 Cycles that actually invented the 1895 Cycles Gladiator?

Go figure.

slothonthebeach said...

If anything, BSNYC subconsciously endorses David Byrne, not Lamps Angstrom.

Cycling Diaries said...

Yeah I also hated my metal albums and C90's. To this day though they still suck way less than Motley Crue et al.

Great article on the Outside article. I think Lance Armstrong should say "I have never taken performance enhancing drugs in my life" that way if he is found out he will be a douche and if he is found to be true he would be able to say "Gee y'all I tol y'all" or whatever you colonials in Texas say.
His clinging to "Lots of tests no positives" has shades of a certain Ms Jones.

Sheeeet! said...

anti Lance crusaders are to me even more boring than his ardent champions (are there some left?) but the whole thing about federal-money-been-wasted-as-we-type-on-trying-to-uncover some evidence to incriminate a cyclist who was tested millions of times and who´s been stalked by every cycling journalist and fan in the world to no avail so far, as far as proving their allegations beyond a reasonable doubt (insert deep breath here) is more annoying that all the arrogance of Lance, the admissions by Floyd and Tyler, and the amusement of all the great cyclists of the past and football players of the present who have juiced forever and never been harassed even a 0.1% of what Lance has. Could we please move on and focus on the Republican primaries, American Idol and other more entertaining, and productive, endeavors?

Anonymous said...

Why is it impossible to say Lance Armstrong might be a jerk but, no, I don't wish more suffering on people suffering from cancer? Or, on the other hand, Livestrong has apparently done some good work, but no, I'm not a fanboy?

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Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

john said...

artistic cycling, you've got to be shitting me.

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