Friday, January 20, 2012

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz and Fun Announcement! (100% inorganic)

Firstly, I'd humbly request that you mark the following date in your calendars, "Palm Pilots," or prison wall tally marks:

Monday, January 30th, 2012

(That's planet Earth years, by the way. I'm finally off the Venusian calendar since I kept showing up 140.3 Earth days early for appointments.)

The reason I'd like you to make note of this date is because it's the date I'll be resuming regular updates of this blog. In the meantime, I will not be posting. However, I can assure you I will not be idle during that time. I mean, I won't be working, inasmuch as it would be silly to call whatever it is that I do "work," but I will still be doing the same non-work I usually do. See, like Comicus, I like to think of myself as a "stand-up philosopher"--or if you prefer, a "bullshit artist:"

The fact of the matter is that I will be "bullshitting" every day next week. However, that bullshit will not be posted immediately to this blog but will instead be made available for perusal at some later date. I apologize for this inconvenience (unless of course you hate this blog, in which case you're welcome), but such is the life of a bullshit artist, and it will all be worth it in the end. Or not. Either way, I look forward to returning on Monday, January 30th with regular updates.

Moving on, yesterday I mentioned some self-important Portlanders (yes, I realize how redundant that phrase is) who took their self-importance and lack of useful practical knowledge to the poor uncool people of the south, and similarly a reader has forwarded me this video of some people who live in Brooklyn (I hesitate to call them "Brooklynites") who were kind enough to present the backward folk of Virginia with the sleep-inducing gift of minimalist percussion:

Their group is called "Mantra Percussion:"

Though the really should think about changing it to "Men Without Girlfriends:"

Here's their leader, embittered former professional cyclist Floyd Landis:

And here's what people look like while listening to them:

("I'd request 'Freebird' ironically but I'm far too nonplussed.")

As for the music itself, to call the piece a "composition" seems grossly unfair. Really, even the word "music" is a stretch. This is more the kind of thing you're likely to hear played on a loop when you go to a MFA exhibit and one of the installations is a multimedia experience based on the artist's inability to reconcile that time the cat ate their hamster, or the morning they walked in on their parents having sex, or some other middle-class suburban childhood trauma.

Also, if you're wondering why they went from Brooklyn all the way to a Lowe's in Virginia instead of just performing at the Brooklyn Lowe's, I suspect it's either because it's probably too hard to get a gig at the Brooklyn Lowe's now (I hear they have a talent booker), or else it was Sukkot and there was a run on two-by-fours.

Meanwhile, a reader tells me those Budnitz bikes continue to get attention:

Let's fire up the BSNYC Enlarge-A-Nator for a closer look at that caption:

Firstly, it's not a "break lever," unless it's designed so that the moment you pull it the bike falls apart. (Actually, I wouldn't put such a feature past this Budnitz character). Secondly, it's not his name, it's the name he just happens to share with the company that made the lever. Then again, I'm starting to see how easy it is to dupe the dimwitted design community, so maybe Budnitz should just change his name to Paul Chris King Gates Schwalbe-Lynskey so he can take credit for the entire thing. I mean, they're already giving him credit for the concept of an attractive bike:

The progressions in bicycle design have been limited to high-end manufacturers creating ever more lightweight (and often ugly) machines designed for road racing, rather than reflecting the aesthetic concerns of the owner. In America especially, the great period of beautifully designed utility bicycles all but died after Peter ‘Bullit’ Yates’ 1979 bikecentric coming of age movie Breaking Away, after which everyone, it seemed, wanted a race bike and manufacturers responded accordingly.

Towards the tail end of last year that balance shifted however, when serial entrepreneur Paul Budnitz entered the market.

This would come as news to the roughly 90,000 bike builders in Portland alone who have been doing this for years.

The article also makes some astute technical observations:

...a carbon belt drive chain negates the need for lubricant, keeping clothes clean and chain on the bike - not wrapped around your ankles.

I'm not sure what that means, but if your pants keep winding up around your ankles when you ride then you are grossly misinterpreting what it means to "lube your chain:"

(Stopping for some mid-ride "drivetrain maintenance.")

And Budnitz himself also adds his own contribution to the canon of great frame material myths:

"Also, as well as being lighter, titanium is harder than steel and it’s a great material for riding on so there’s a sense of completeness."

If Budnitz was experiencing a sense of incompleteness prior to obtaining a titanium bicycle then he may have been riding a bike without a seat.

Penultimately, in entertainment news, from another reader comes this gripping film trailer:

I AM NOT A HIPSTER (the movie) from Destin Daniel Cretton on Vimeo.

Sure you're not.

And ultimately, from still yet another reader comes a music video which I found entertaining:

I recommend he seek out a titanium bicycle for a sense of completeness.

Post-ultimately, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll experience a sense of completeness, and if you're wrong you'll see a commercial for a high-performance mountaining bicycle.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I look forward to returning on the 30th.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) What are they staring at?

(They may dress funny, but you can't put one over on the British.)

2) Amazingly, it turns out it's actually possible to enjoy riding two different types of bicycles.

(The visor is the yarmulke of the douchebag set.)

3) Which is not a tenet of the "Holstee Manifesto?"

--"Getting lost will help you find yourself."
--"If you don't like your job, quit."
--"Live your dream and share your passion."
--"If life doesn't give you what you want, stomp your feet a lot and cry."

4) Shane Warne is:

(Book of Moron: Gentrification missionaries spreading the Gospel of Bullshit to America's uncool.)

5) In which of the following ways were the Portland hipster migrant workers mistreated by their cruel organic farming overlords?

6) "Bi-keen" and beekeeping, together at last! Must be:

(Creepy wet bearded man stalks mother in supermarket.)

"You were in the bulk aisle. Tall, red-head, absolutely gorgeous, dinosaur son in the cart. I was bearded and soggy from the bike ride, just needed some oranges and some almonds. You said, "Now let's pick out some snacks for... me." You hesitated on that part, like you were going to say mommy, but caught yourself. It was cute. Seriously, I feel sorry for your kid. His friends are all going to crush on you hard. Hell, I'm going to crush on you hard."

7) In Portland, cycling can apparently cause you to grow a beard.

***Special Law Enforcement-Themed Bonus Question***

"Back in the day," bike cops weren't afraid to "get rad."



«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 245 of 245
Al Roker said...

Winter is waiting for April so it can jack your shit up real nice for a couple of weeks.

Zoots said...

Oj shit
New page Second!

Zoots said...

And third.

Zoots said...


Zoots said...

and fifth, the lamest runner up at nationals.
Stupid extended podium.

Anonymous said...

Tilford posted about bike aerodynamics today. And a pic of a track bike.

See what happens when you vacate? Competitors rush in immediately.

Confused said...

Hey I can't get to the second page of comments without posting one.

Friday Fun Quiz #2 said...

Before Williamsburg was transformed by an influx of recent college who couldn't afford to live in Manhattan, it was..

a] a quiet unpretentious neighborhood minutes from Manhattan

b] a cool area no one knew about

c] hipster free

d] too good to last

Friday Fun Quiz #3 said...

Which commenter is the funniest?

a] commie canuck

b] bikesgonewild

c] Leroy

d] Pontius Pilate

Anonymous said...

Stage Two-
First Place Bitches!

ken e. said...

for the win!

crosspalms said...

Another Friday fun quiz

Snob comes back

a) today
b) tomorrow
c) the next day
d) the day after that

peek a said...


Anonymous said...


wheel sucka said...


Sarah said...

Great video on cyclists! So true!

ken e. said...

aahhh, newest!
sign me dumbest and have a safe weekend ya'll. If the link above is not it, youtube "shit cyclists say"

Bar Tape said...

The longest workweek ever...

Friday Fun Quiz # 4 said...

David Byrne...

a] doesn't own a car

b] drives a Ferrari

c] rides a Volagi

d] drives WCRM crazy!

Justbikes said...

nice blog admin,

find another blog from our site

Sleepy Floyd said...

Wake me when it's Monday.

Anonymous said...

Snobby, your pants yabbatical is puckering the collective scranus of your readers. All 19 of us.

Anonymous said...

What's all this then?!

Anonymous said...

fuckerne e e

Anonymous said...


Cycle Candy said...

The Jeebus and Hairy Chain

Robert Plant said...

Does anybody remember laughter?!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I've been reading this blog for a couple years now and I still don't know who that Tilford guy is. Honest I didn't even google it.
He seems like a doosh.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ok Steves not a doosh I checked out his blog. It's pretty cool. At least he posts regularly.

Turd gear said...

smelly skidmark

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Anonymous said...

One more.

ce said...

I always enjoy Tiford's comments.

Eddie V H said...


ce said...

I mean: T i l f o r d

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I picked this URL off the floor in Lowe's after watching Floyd perform his xylo-piece.

Can you tell me what it is?

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john said...

Sure you're not.

I lol'd

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