BSNYC Contrived Situational Comedy With Live Studio Audience! (And Vacation Announcement!) [*Applause*]

When the BP oil company hired me to write this blog, I had three (3) requirements:

1) The freedom to work pantsless;

2) A salary of $1.6 million per year

3) Time off for holidays and religious observances

Well, after some negotiation BP agreed to meet two out of three of these requirements, which is why I won't be posting next week, nor am I currently wearing pants. Yes, after today this blog will go unmolested by me until Monday, November 28th, at which point I will resume regular updates. Of course, this is a corporate blog, so I've also hired a graphic design company at considerable expense to create an image of my schedule for November:

Now, most people know that Thanksgiving is the holiday during which Americans kill and eat turkeys. However, fewer people know that Thanksgiving also coincides with one of the high holidays of my Lobster-worshipping faith. It's called "Über-Thanksgiving," and it celebrates the day when the Great Lobster descended from the Lobster Tank On High and told his followers, "Fuck working, it's Thanksgiving, just take the entire week off." And so they did, and the Great Lobster was pleased, and there was much napping and watching of television.

Speaking of watching things, a reader recently forwarded me the following video:



In which Thomas Frischknecht displays some formidable flat-bar cyclocrossing:

This just goes to show that the true professional will disregard convention and use whatever equipment best suits him, though at the same time it doesn't make the exotic custom flat-bar Cat 6 road bike phenomenon any less dorky.

Moving on from videos of people who can handle their bikes to videos of people who can't, Stevil Kinevil of All Hail the Black Market recently shared with me this video of a typical triathlete training ride:



It's worth noting that this crash happened well below Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed (which is of course 46mph). However, it does neatly illustrate another law of physics, which is that the maximum speed a triathlete can travel on a bicycle without either crashing or causing another rider to crash is 34mph. I would take the additional step of testing this theory in real-world conditions, but there's no way I'm getting close enough to a triathlete to find out. Like a spitting cobra, a triathlete can fell a victim from a distance as great as a full bike length. This means if you can see a triathlete at all, you're too close to him.

And with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right it means you've reached mental "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed, and if you're wrong it means you'll see a commercial.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

--Wildcat Douchebucket

(Bjarne Riis trying to figure out how many "I"s there are in "team," and how many "team"s there are in his team's name.)

1) Next season, Team Saxo Bank-SunGard will become:

--Team Saxo Bank Professional Cycling Team

--Saxo Bank Professional Cycling Team Team

--Team Saxo Bank Professional Cycling Team, presented by Team Saxo Bank Professional Cycling Team

--A traveling ice show called "Frigid Follies"

(Shimano's first-generation "Mammo-drive" system.)

2) Next season, Garmin-Cervélo will be switching to:

--Campagnolo

--SRAM

--Shimano

--Who cares, it's all the same anyway.

(At the SSCXWC, there's only one speed, and that speed is "Contrived Irreverence.")

3) This weekend, the Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships will take place in which city?

--Portland

--San Francisco

--Portland

--Portland

4) If you're riding a bike in America, you must be protesting something, and are therefore subject to arrest.

--True
--False





5) What is this?

--A solar panel

--An on-board griddle

--A homemade power meter

--The new Kindle Fire clip-on fender

6) In a recent "Bicycling" magazine readers' survey, who is not listed as cycling personality?

--Bike Snob NYC

--Frankie Andreu

--Smelly Tour de France devil guy

--Mario Cipollini

(Recycled crabon.)

7) Specialized's new crabon recycling program will allow them to:

--Reclaim crabon fibers

--Further justify the short shelf-life of their designs
--Sell your broken bike back to you again in the form of smaller components

--All of the above

***Special Logic-Themed Bonus Question!***

(Crabon toilet seat for maximum comfort and power transfer.)

Not all crabon fiber enthusiasts ride bikes, but all crabon fiber enthusiasts are nerds.

--True
--False

***Special Bib Short-Themed Bonus Bonus Question!!***

(It's Nonplussed Bib Short Man!)

Cycling clothing manufacturer Assos is actually introducing a new bib short with a crabon fiber heat-moldable chamois.

--True

--False