Been There Bombed That: Zoobombs Away!

Oscar Wilde famously said, "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." This is a stupid saying. What about having the tip of your nose crushed in a vice while a Bichon licks the underside of your feet and a loudspeaker blares "Tuts My Barreh?" That's a whole lot worse than either scenario.

Nevertheless, as the Monty Python skit proves, it's very easy to apply Wilde's template to pretty much any subject and sound like you're making sense. For example, I am of the belief that there is only one thing in the world worse than being trendy, and that is not being trendy. In other words, adopting a style, belief, or activity simply because it's fashionable is contemptible, but turning against something you admire or believe in simply because others are now discovering it is deplorable.

I know this because I am one of those deplorable people. Take cyclocross for instance. Not too long ago I couldn't get enough of it, but now that it's the discipline du jour I find myself saying "Ugh, enough already!" as I turn up my nose and pedal away on my artisanal Danish milkman's bike--at least until everyone discovers that and I have to find something even more obscure. Even "Bicycling" is getting into the act, and over the weekend they published this cyclocross guide for total "noobs" by some has-been bike blogger:

WHAT-ever. Bike Snob? Cyclocross?!? What is this, 2007? I don't have time to read this stuff, I'll just go back to painting myself into an increasingly confining corner of cool, thankyouverymuch. And if anyone's interested in my artisanal Danish milkman's bike, it's now for sale. I heard it got mentioned on some bike blog and I no longer want it.

Speaking of stuff that's like so last week/month/year, on Friday I mentioned that the young people are moving to the Portland, and in the comments on the aforelinked article I recently noticed that a commenter has commented the following comment:

April says:

NOVEMBER 4, 2011 AT 2:16 PM

People moving to Portland is super-old news. Seriously? You’re just now writing about it? Also, we do not have jobs. We don’t. Which is part of why the mass migration to Portland has slowed down a lot.

This is good to know, and this joblessness would go a long way towards explaining why people in Portland have so much time to attend facial hair "curation" workshops and to engage in practices such as "Zoobombing." In fact, Zoobombing has become so popular that even the BBC is reporting on the phenomenon:

In this hard-hitting report, a reporter presumably travels all the way from the United Kingdom to Portland, Oregon in order to interview a man in a crooked hat about riding bicycles down a hill:

(Two grown men maintain more-or-less straight faces as they pretend something of cultural significance is happening.)

He also visits the "Zoobomb pile," which I've personally visited and which may be the most depressing and potentially tetanus-inducing landmark in North America. In fact, as they film it you can actually see an older man warning his wife away from it:

("Honey, don't touch, it's filthy" is the phrase most commonly uttered by visitors to Portland.)

And here he is reporting as the Zoobombers prepare the bikes, as though they're rebel freedom fighters in the mountains loading their weapons before a guerilla assault and not white "adults" in varying stages of denial and arrested development:

But we shouldn't be too hard on the Zoobombers. First of all, according to the report, they are "self-policing" as far as safety goes, which would explain why they always wear their helmets while riding public transportation:


Also, it's not like they take this whole thing too seriously or anything:

Incidentally, the rider above also has a $750 titanium mini golf putter and spends two months a year training at altitude for tetherball.

Here, Patricia Krenwinkel and Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme talk about the joys of Zoobombing, life on Spahn Ranch, and the enormous charisma of their misunderstood leader:

And then everybody rides down a hill:

However, the BBC crew is not waiting for them at the bottom of the hill, because they're already off to cover another equally important story, such as a lost cat or a man who's been eating the same thing for lunch for 46 years.

In any case, between cyclocross and Zoobombing and the increasing popularity of Danish milkman bike culture it would appear it's no longer possible to do anything "original" on a bike, which is why I'm just giving up bikes entirely and getting into the artisanal hand-curated cutlery scene, as forwarded by a reader:

If nothing else, this video proves that, in America, an academic degree has very little to do with education. Instead, it serves mainly to saddle you with crushing debt so that you can finally discover that you have an aptitude for manual labor. Given this, it's no wonder most of us have no idea what the hell we're doing in life or what we're good at until we're at least 40. Unfortunately by that time, we've also become grossly over-educated, so while we may finally have honed our latent skills, we're also inclined to make and distribute these sorts of videos.

This might also explain why so many people also marry later in life now, although it could also have to do with our increasingly poor sense of romantic timing. For example, it may seem obvious, but people generally aren't feeling amorous after they've been doored:


Girl on Bike (hit by car, door) - m4w - 36 (52nd Street)
Date: 2011-11-04, 9:31PM EDT

Reply to:

Very pretty blonde took a dive but got up like a champ and then went your way w bruises. I insisted you exchange numbers with the vehicular non-lookin passenger but shouldve offered mine as well.

Hope you had a better enjoyable night all intact.

However, none of this provides any insight as to why the current fashion appears to be wearing a helmet and two hats:

helmet and 2 hats - m4w (Financial District)
Date: 2011-11-05, 4:47AM EDT
Reply to:

You were with your bike on the sidewalk near J & R music.

We talked about your helmet and hats.

Talked about where I was from.

You said you liked me.

Two sheds I've heard of, but two hats is a new one to me.