Public Image Ltd: A Leopard By Any Other Name...

Firstly, if you would like a copy of my West Elm furniture catalog prop, yet you're either uncomfortable with or disgusted by the idea of actually paying for it, Tour d'Afrique is holding a contest for ideas on how to make that bloated windbag mayor in Toronto swallow the idea of people riding bikes, and they're giving away my book as a prize. For contest details, go here, and keep in mind your entry should be "civil," so refrain from phrases like "bloated windbag."

Secondly, further to yesterday's post, if you're considering hiring "57 Things" guy as your "minimalist business coach," this recent "Tweet" from the tousled one himself may help you decide once and for all:

Figuring out how to scratch your head is a very important stage in the process of self-actualization, coming as it does just after learning how to tell your ass from your elbow, and just before figuring out how to tell shit from Shinola. Certainly head-scratching is a skill you want to look for in a business coach, because that's what he's going to be doing as he stares right through you during those $1,000 Skype sessions. In fact, so proud is "57 Things" guy of his newfound simian skill that he's updated his profile picture accordingly:

("This feels fan-freaking-tastic. Ooh, I think I found a louse!")

Just wait until he figures out how to touch his own genitals for pleasure. Once he gets that down we won't be hearing from him for another five or six years.

Also further to yesterday's post, I was surprised that many commenters disparaged Liz Hatch's latest "edit," in which she's pursued by the world's second-oldest bicycle racing team (after Team Radio Shack of course, whose average age is greater than that of the US Senate):

Sure, the narrative thread was a bit elusive, but at least it was more creative than that mumbly Mark Cavendish video where he says, "For me, victory is about beating other people." (Clearly Cavendish has been taking lessons in the obvious from "57 Things" guy.) Admittedly, though, if I were asked to helm a Liz Hatch promotional video I would take it in a different direction and make it an homage to the original "Starsky and Hutch" TV series:


Most likely, I would call it "Starsky and Hatch:"


Though I suppose "Hutch and Hatch" could also work:

Of course, with a big enough budget I could really begin to explore more creative possibilities. For example, Action Wipes have sponsored Hatch videos in the past, so with an infusion of "wipe money" I could even hire some Hollywood talent and produce "Hutch, Hatch, and Hitch:"

Hey, if I signed some kind of lubricant sponsor too I might even be able to work a little 'cock in there:

("Hutch, Hatch, Hitch, and Hitchcock"--Brought to you by Action Wipes and Pedro's lubricants)

I invite you to leave your suggestive "Rear Window" reference of choice in the comments section of this post.

Anyway, with the 2011 road racing season nearly upon us it's clear that teams and riders are competing for our attention. Liz Hatch's undead-Fred freakout, team Leopard-Trek's Euro-cheese nightmare, and of course Radio Shack's sensational new uniform all presage a season of spectacularly "flambullient" racing. However, when it comes to sheer inspiration, nothing rivals this Astana video from 2010 that was forwarded to me by a reader:



This stirring video has it all: a soaring soundtrack, patriotic imagery, children learning, and even a nod to Kazakhstan's space program--which, incredibly, exists. Truly Kazakhstan is a land of unity and inspiration where people often cast their eyes heavenward, whether they have unibrows:

Or no eyebrows at all:


Yes, regardless of what sort of hair distribution they have above their eyes, Kazakhs everywhere draw inspiration and pride from soaring birds of prey:

("All You Kazakhs Peer At My Balls")

The only thing that could possibly make this video better would be replacing the soaring eagle with a flying Vino.

By the way, speaking of team Leopard-Trek, it turns out I've been referring to them improperly, for an official message from The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company to its employees lays out the proper guidelines for any and all references to the greatest group of bicycle-riding humans ever assembled. Here is an excerpt:

As you discuss the team, both internally and externally, please follow these naming standards:

• The team name is LEOPARD TREK. Please do not insert the word “team” before LEOPARD TREK, in writing or conversation, as that is not part of the official name.

• When the word “team” immediately follows LEOPARD TREK, do not capitalize “team” (except in German, of course).

• In written communication, LEOPARD TREK must be set in all caps.

• In spoken communication, please use the appropriate pronunciation: LAY-oh-pard Trek.

INCORRECT: The new Team Leopard Trek includes...

CORRECT: The new LEOPARD TREK team includes...

INCORRECT: Trek announces sponsorship of Team LEOPARD TREK, the world’s #1...

CORRECT: Trek announces co-title sponsorship of LEOPARD TREK, the world’s #1...

Thanks for your help in establishing the proper team name standards.

The above message was forwarded to me by somebody who presumably knows somebody who knows somebody whose aunt once slept with the brother of somebody's cousin who works for Trek, and while I ordinarily wouldn't post something like this out of concern for getting somebody in trouble this just seemed too important to keep to myself. After all, we can't allow people to run around calling it "LEP-perd Trek" like a bunch of American English speakers when the proper pronunciation is the Euro-fabulous "LAY-oh-pard Trek." And Lob forbid we inadvertently stick the word "team" in there, either in conversation or in writing, for they are not a "team" at all--the proper name for a bunch of people with that much hair gel is actually a "glop."

Meanwhile, speaking of bike companies, another reader has forwarded me what may very well be the edgiest bicycle marketing campaign the world has ever seen. Never mind Dahon's "This is what you do with it" approach, and forget Beloved's "For best result, read aloud while playing the bongos" marketing copy, because here comes Sintesi--and they're turning bicycle marketing upside down:

As you can see, Sintesi's entire road line consists of bicycles with 26" disc brake wheels and suspension, while their mountain bike line is all drop bar rigid 29ers with rim brakes. Not only that, but they're also for people with "adrenalinic lifestyles:"

Sintesi’s bikes are for extreme people with adrenalinic lifestyles.

The edgy 2011 product line marks the company’s 20th anniversary and its history of pushing the design and performance limits of carbon fiber technology. Always on-trend, Sintesi believes in producing bicycles that are the result of the best possible synthesis of engineering excellence, guaranteed safety and fun riding.

I'm not sure if someone who leads an "adrenalinic lifestyle" has a chronic medical condition, or else identifies with some sort of alternative sexuality, but either way I'm sure there's a charity ride for it somewhere.