Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sock It To Me: Filling In the Blanks

I enjoy cartoons. This is why I always make sure to compose an entry for the New Yorker's weekly cartoon caption contest. For example, here's what I've come up with for this week's installment:
I don't actually send them in, and even though this one would almost certainly win, the sense of self-satisfaction I get from the act of composition is ample reward. I may be many things, but I'm no sandbagger.

In any case, given the nature of my hobby, you can imagine how pleased I was to find my blog referenced in a recent "Yehuda Moon & The Kickstand Cyclery" cartoon:

Of course, the best part of receiving an Internet mention is the barrage of negative comments that inevitably ensue, and in this respect the Yehuda mention did not disappoint. While an Internet "nube" might cringe, as a seasoned blog "curator" I know that there's no surer sign of online success than a bunch of commenters talking about how much you suck. However, that doesn't mean I'm not open to some constructive criticism. For example, one commenter was apparently dismayed by my foul language:

Widsith

My problem with his blog is the language he often uses. I can see only so many examples of foul language before my distaste for it overwhelms any pleasure I might otherwise take in whatever I'm reading. Recently I read an interview with him about the book he wrote, and even in the interview he couldn't keep his language clean, which just reminded me of why I don't read his blog.

Yesterday, 11:40:27


Frankly, this comment inspired me. Unfortunately, instead of inspiring me to clean up my act, it instead inspired me to find the filthiest reference I could, and while I didn't have all day I think I did pretty well under the circumstances. Here's what I came up with:

I'm sure commenter "Widsith" will be disgusted with me instead of with the staggering 164 people who gave the "Hot Karl" act a "thumbs up" on Urban Dictionary, which as far as I'm concerned exemplifies much of what's wrong with our society.

Also, I don't know where "Widsith" has been, but the Yehuda Moon cartoon can get pretty "blue" too. Just click to enlarge:

Even I couldn't bring myself to reproduce that last panel. Frankly, the cartoonist should be ashamed of himself.

My other favorite kind of negative comment is when someone tells a rambling story about how "over" my blog they are:

SDMSS

Bike Snob NYC sits in my RSS reader. I used to let 2 or 3 collect before trying to slog through them. Then 5 or 6... 12 or 13...

Eventually the tally would go up to 25 or so before I would mark them as read without bothering to read them. I just checked, my Bike Snob feed unreads are are now at 14. Time to remove that feed.

Yesterday, 16:01:01


That was a truly "epic" story of RSS feed "curation"--sort of like listening to an elderly person describe cleaning out the fridge. "First I took out the cottage cheese. Then I checked the expiration date. It had expired six months ago. So I threw it in the trash. Next I opened up the crisper. Uh-oh, celery was wilted. Threw that in the trash. After that I moved on to the egg tray..."

Clearly SDMSS leads a wildly exciting life.

Speaking of thrilling stories, I was visiting Urban Velo recently, where I learned that a new "poetic murder mystery" called "Verse" has dropped, and it's all about a "young bike messenger poet" who discovers a lost manuscript. Needless to say, I eagerly checked out the first episode, which I highly recommend you do not do, since the nearly 10 minutes it will take would be much better spent cleaning out your fridge or deleting your unread RSS feed subscriptions:



Instead, I'm more than happy to do your dirty work for you by summarizing it, which is just the sort of selfless act the people who read Yehuda Moon fail to appreciate. (I like to think of it as taking a "Hot Karl" for the team.) Anyway, first we meet our protagonist, a hopelessly out-of-style bike messenger on a mountain bike of all things who nevertheless executes a nearly flawless salmon-to-schluff transition:

Next, he goes upstairs to drop off his package, where he finds the recipient not only completely bald but also thoroughly dead:

(Filmmaker may have tipped his hand too soon, that mole looks highly suspicious and possibly cancerous.)

This he takes as an opportunity to engage in what people in the entertainment industry often refer to as "acting:"

(Method acting: "When I get freaked out my scalp itches.")

After which he calls 911 and actually says, "Yes, hi, 911?," as though he's calling a friend's house, or like he's tried to call 911 in the past and been told, "No, sorry, wrong number--this is 912."

Then, he examines the package, which has suddenly become...mysterious:

So mysterious that it compels him to ride around and "act" more:

(Method acting: "I purse my lips tightly and look askance when I contemplate recent events.")

At this point, our protagonist is faced with a moral dilemma: Does he violate bike messenger ethics and open the mysterous package? Or does he simply turn it over to the authorities, forget about it, and finish eating his panini?

The answer is an emphatic "both." (Waste panini not, want panini not.) By the way, by this time I noticed the cloyingly folksy Lilith Fair music in the background was describing what was happening--"Open it, open it now," the singer warbled--and from that moment forward as hard as I tried I could not tune it out.

Anyway, it turns out that the envelope contains a manuscript, and once home our protagonist retires to the comfort of his shoe pile in order to read it with his lips moving:

(La-Z-Boys are "out;" shoe piles are "in.")

Realizing that he's on to something, he puts on his best shirt and executes a suicidally salmon-tastic left turn off of 4th Avenue and directly into oncoming traffic on the way to the Strand bookstore:

Where he meets his love interest:

Cunningly, he fools her with the old "I'm going to have you look up something on the computer while I ogle your cleavage" technique:

This is a tried-and-true bookstore staple almost as common the old " 'Hot Karl' in the travel book aisle" approach--which is why you should always avoid the travel book aisle at the Strand, no matter how badly you think you need a used "Lonely Planet" travel guide containing hopelessly outdated information about Katmandu.

Soon they get to talking, during which she explains to him that she's working on an MFA in poetry at Columbia University, which means that once the Strand fires her for flirting with the customers she will remain unemployed for the rest of her days:

Having secured himself a date, he consults a popular search engine for some vital information:

Which prompts him to send an email to Old Man Exposition, who reads that email out loud to us from the comfort of his own shoe pile:

Then he meets his love interest's lecherous professor, played by an actor who wakes up every morning cursing the fates because Paul Giamatti "made it" and he didn't:

The professor then recites for our protagonist a poem about "shants," which he acts like he's listening to with profound interest:

Here the first episode ends, but rest assured it will be continued:

At which point we will presumably learn whether or not our protagonist actually manages to get "laid," as well as whether or not the mole killed the bald man, or if we're just leaping to conclusions because the mole has hair growing out of it and our society always assumes the guy with the beard is the villain.

Maybe the killer was Colonel Mustard, in the travel book aisle, with the tube sock.

91 comments:

samh said...

In general, lobsters move slowly by walking on the bottom of the seafloor. However, when they are in danger and need to flee, they [salmon] by curling and uncurling their abdomen. A speed of 5 meters per second has been recorded.

Anonymous said...

thefirstEEL!

Name said...

PODIUMMM!!!

Anonymous said...

podi...?

JahBreaker said...

doh!!!

Anonymous said...

BAH!

Anonymous said...

top 10?

The girl in the short skirt said...

Snob, do you know how much non-bike porn I had to look at while I waited for this post? A lot!

Anonymous said...

Moin Moin!

thegock said...

MERY XMAS

wishiwasmerckx said...

Rounding out the top 10?

Anonymous said...

nice product placement in the shoe pile

Anonymous said...

SHOE PILE

Anonymous said...

Meh-thod acting?

ervgopwr said...

early post today (at least for the wet west coast).

I also don't appreciate the fucking shit load of bad language that this blog uses. I mean, hell, my eyes are sensitive and can't handle seeing so much obscenity.

I'm never coming back.

Until tommorrow...

crosspalms said...

Hilarious! Thanks for taking the Hot Karl for us.

TUBE SOCK

Anonymous said...

Alexandria:

pooping in a section of the Library

The Douche of Windsor said...

Who likes to tie whiny liberal pussies into knots?

Anonymous said...

BikesnobNYC="NSFW"

You suck! said...

Please accept this comment as yet another affirmation of your suck-cess.

Miss Muff said...

Trying a bit too hard to get laid, are we dearie? Is your senior thesis due at the end of the year?

Shram said...

FUCK YEAH

Buffalo Bill said...

I like the comic but my problem with the comments is the language they often use. I can see only so many paeans to fredliness before my distaste for it overwhelms any pleasure I might otherwise take in whatever I'm reading. Recently I read an interview with a bunch of yehuda fans (moonies?), and even in the interview they talked about kickstands, which just reminded me of why I don't read the comments.

Slam said...

I wish I could bike/read as fast as a scared lobster

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Preparation H would have any effect on shoe piles?

Anonymous said...

Balls.

I liked Yehuda better when you could still hide the comments. What a bunch of self-righteous recumbent riders...

marcel da chump said...

Any of you kids thinking of being a bike messenger/poet?
Forget it. Take it from someone who's been there and done that- at day's end you'll be too tired to pick up a book, much less a pen. A bike messenger/bike messenger is more rewarding, if you work hard.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

The post kinda " just ended"

Mile High Mark said...

AYHSMDH

All You Haters Shake My Disembodied Hand

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Mr. Snob,

I've had it with your filthy language and lewd sexual innuendo.
Pathetic excuse of a blog.

and to the motley crew of commenting lackeys -Your all buffoons!

See you all tomarrow.

Anonymous said...

Awesome - it went from wack cartoons to wack actors sitting in shoe piles.

Fred said...

I wonder if we could get Sock Guy to make up some NYC-themed "Hot Karl" socks?

They would look awesome with SPD birkenstocks.

Steven Falkowski said...

Disclaimer from The New Yorker caption contest, "Any resident of the U.S. or Canada (except Quebec) age eighteen or older can enter."

Why do you suppose the Quebecois are excluded?

Anonymous said...

how about a "Glass Bottom Boat" reference tomorrow Snoby?!

bikesgonewild said...

...esteemed commenter daddo-one...

...take a shot in the chops with a sock full a' shit (that's oddly poetic) & you'd prob'ly be glad that your post "just ended" for the day, no ???...

...'sides, (spoiler alert) despite fabricated clues pointing towards 'colonel mustard', it's obvious the butler did it...

...he's the only one in the house who's tight-assed enough to shit in a sock...

...(double spoiler alert)...there's an invoice in his room for a recent purchase of underwear & 'ta-da' - tube socks ...irrefutable...

...just sayin'...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

BGW...

"take a shot in the chops with a sock full a' shit"

...that is the only way I get to sleep at night...

...and not that I'm in the habbit of 'splainin my jokes (such as they are), but you are perhaps implying I am complaining ...

..but I'mn not...

...one of the Moonies saud the same thing about the Snob yesterday...

...so I was being ironic...

...just sayin'...

Kenny Banya said...

&*%$@! Gold Snobby...$%&#! GOLD!

hillbilly said...

so, it's pretty much like every episode of "bored to death"

RhetoricPerson said...

Theres nothing wrong with an amateur video series, but the music in this thing really destroys it.

XoNuff said...

I think I've solved the mystery of the Ikea reversed forkway.

http://davesbikeblog.blogspot.com/2007/05/stayers.html

Those wily Swedes are hell bent on creating an army of modular, mulleted, motor pace supermen. Less trail gets you more tail.

bikesgonewild said...

...'bike snob nyc', (the post), as opposed to 'bsnyc/rtms', (the poster), is nothing if not palpably ironic 9 out of 10 times...

...or as appreciated by 9 out of 10 serotta riding dentists...

...as far as your nocturnal bed-prep is concerned, i will only suggest advice my mom gave me...change your socks regularly...

Widshit said...

My problem with this blog is the pussy you often use. I can see only so many examples of foul pussy before my distaste for it overwhelms any pleasure I might otherwise take in whatever I'm reading. Recently I read an interview with you about the book you wrote, and even in the interview you couldn't keep your pussy clean, which just reminded me of why I don't read this blog.

Anonymous said...

As you are certainly aware, there is more than one definition for a "Hot Karl" on UD. Curious what the Yehuda Moon readership would have to say about the more lewd definitions you conveniently omitted.

Comment deleted said...

RTMS, you do realize that profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker, right?

g-roc said...

Awesome. Thanks for taking a Hot Karl to Yehuda's comments section. Self righteous and/or clueless bunch. LMAO.

Not a bad comic. Just have to remember not to scroll down.

de luxe au dux etc said...

what the fuck? over.

James said...

I enjoyed the reference to the "'Lonely Planet' travel guide containing hopelessly outdated information about Katmandu."

Anonymous said...

dood, I'm pretty sure a Hot Karl is when you take a dump on someones face. Saran-wrap can or cannot be involved

Anonymous said...

Not a bike, but more expensive, more dangerous, and only half as useful. Look for it to become "the next big trend", by which I mean, a device that is stupid, hyped, and mostly useless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJeJ24xUW60&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Anonymous said...

As shit, I couldn't leave well enough alone and not click Verse. Are we supposed to assume that messenger was buzzed into the apartment by the dead guy before he was killed (the did include the scene where he looked for the right buzzer to gain entry to the apartment building)...? Ahh fuck it, who gives a shit.

Giles de la Tourette said...

Fuck shit screw and up your ass.

Shaun said...

When one is preparing to administer a Hot Karl, does one shit directly into the sock? Or is there a shit preparation procedure that takes place before the sock is loaded (i.e. mixing in other compounds in order to alter the consistency of the shit, etc.)?

Also, what is the best type of sock to use?

I'm asking for a friend.

Anonymous said...

I say Joke em if they cant take a fuck.Cyclists have always been weenies when it comes to anything involving humor.They're one step away from treckies w maybe a little more testosterone but they're just as uptight involving potty mouth joking,guy jokes,ribbing and general ball busting in good nature.They have about the same tolerance for blue humor as a vegan lillith fair attendee.Ironically they are way more uptight and easilly offended than a hard core republican.I see keep up the vulgarities if it warranted.Cyclists need to loosen up especially if its a joke involving hot carls,cleveland steamers,blumpkins, cincinatti sparkplugs or anything else thats too vile for certain eyes.Fuck those nerds.

You kids get off my lawn said...

Did anybody else get the impression that the average age of a moon reader must be around 85?

You potty mouthed snob.

Love that somebody needs to explain a 7 speed hub, and an RSS feed.

Martin Erzinger said...

My car does not smell like a "Hot Carl", "Warm Carla" or a "Dirty Sanchez"

Anonymous said...

HAWT KARL

FOWL MOUF

Shu-Sin said...

did cipollini leave a message anonymously at 3:54?

bikesgonewild said...

...jeezus, shaun...do you need EVERYTHING spelled out for you ???...

...use a clean white tube sock...they're sanitary & there's no 'heel bend' to worry about...

...beyond that, amigo, don't be a brain-dead hipster...use your imagination &/or experiment...life is all about "choices"...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous at 3:54 was the artist formerly known as Coastiedouche AKA Vnewscantcensorcat5krusher.I wish i was Cipo.Id be nude riding my invisible bike and banging podium chicks.

Anonymous said...

Yehuda Moon would have had to go back home to read the Yehuda Moon blog too, guys.

A bunch of strip-comic fans are in no position to be judging the word count of other serials.

I probably should have dropped that on the YM comment section yesterday, but I couldn't have remained anonymous & commenting cuts into my epic snow-covered commutes to the bike shop.

Etherhuffer said...

Was reading the Yehuda posts when sleep overcame me like an kill-hammer in a slaughterhouse.

See ya tomorrow you profane azzwipe.

sarliaee said...

i'm imagining an all out war between snob fans and moon fans.

bikesgonewild said...

...non sequitur...

...today is the 'winter solstice', ie: the shortest day & longest night of the year & the particular significance of that fact to us as cyclists ain't hard to figure out...

...thas' right...tomorrow, the daylight hours start to get longer...the change is miniscule initially but that simple knowledge helps me personally to get through the rest of winter...

...i hope i, today, along with mother nature help brighten your day tomorrow...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Snob yours is the best bike blog out there precisely because it doesn't pretend to elevate an enjoyable pastime and convenient form of transportation to anything more than it is...

M.A.R. Diddams said...

I was not aware of the the before Strand. Next time I'm discussing bookstores I will sound so much more douchy.

Julian Children said...

"Offense taking" is the knitting of the current moment.

Anonymous said...

Panties! Poopy panties!

g-roc said...

@sarliaee. A battle of wits against the unarmed?

Test Tickle said...

piiiiiiiissssss!

piiiiiiiiiiiisss out my aaasassssss!!!

ok, now I'm curious, what the hell is a "cincinatti spark plug"?

balls.

CommieCanuck said...

There's so much fucking profanity on this blog. You should class it up and use words like, "whilst".

I don't get the Hot Karl. We do that up here, except without the tube sock- I mean, if you want to hit someone with poop, why soil a perfectly good sock?

Didn't Woody Allen once wish for a sock full of manure? He got a child bride instead. Think about it.

Yabbies.

CommieCanuck said...

There's so much fucking profanity on this blog. You should class it up and use words like, "whilst".

I don't get the Hot Karl. We do that up here, except without the tube sock- I mean, if you want to hit someone with poop, why soil a perfectly good sock?

Didn't Woody Allen once wish for a sock full of manure? He got a child bride instead. Think about it.

Yabbies.

CommieCanuck said...

There's so much fucking profanity on this blog. You should class it up and use words like, "whilst".

I don't get the Hot Karl. We do that up here, except without the tube sock- I mean, if you want to hit someone with poop, why soil a perfectly good sock?

Didn't Woody Allen once wish for a sock full of manure? He got a child bride instead. Think about it.

Yabbies.

VLAD the INHALER said...

PAM!

SHIIZZZZAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

I see the baby jeebus!

bikesgonewild said...

...hey...it was a "okay" comment but did you have to repeat it three fucking times ???...

...or was it, in the christmas spirit, for the father, the son & the holy spirit ???...

...fucking profane canadians, anyway...sheesh !!!...

Anonymous said...

"Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...
The post kinda " just ended""

Baby threw up

Unknown said...

Hey Snob

at least you're a holiday gift over at Cycling Tips.
But then so is Rapha skin care....

Anonymous said...

Had a head-ache
all day so didnt
read todays post
till now (which

is tomorrow in
todays blog time)
and glad I waited
till my headache

subsided because
that movie through
your blog was:
h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s!

Part 2 today?

Old Foggie but not clueless said...

The main problem the guys in the comment section of the comic are making is trying to grade Snob as a philosopher. I read this blog daily and really like it, but its value is in its quality of comedy that requires a little intelligence to fully comprehend. If you are not an obsessively logical thinker, you miss half the wit of this blog.

On the other hand, as a philosopher the writer of this blog is weak at best. Don't expect any of the great problems of the world to be solved here. It is not heavy reading, and the logic of the philosophy is not near as well applied as the logic of wit that is so apparent when this blog is appreciated for its humor value.

No, this blog will not be considered a classic and studied in literature classes a century from now. Nonetheless, its comedy has its purpose. It takes you away from the harsh realities of life, if even for a little while. That is of real value, and thank goodness, it is all for free.

Anonymous said...

Test Tickle:O.k you asked for it. Im about to reveal for the first time in a public fashion what a cincinatti sparkplug is.I guess you know what the others are such as the blumpkin since you didnt ask about them.I cant take credit for such a brilliant name or act. My friend came up with it I believe.Ill try to give a clean version so as to not get deleated from the page.This act involves doggie style sex as most of these tricks do.but right at the act of "arriving" a 9volt battery is inserted into the door above whilst "arriving",Im not sure if a punch is delivered to the back of the head since the 9 volt battery should be suprising enough.This is the first time this has been revealed to the internet.I expect it to be part of the vernacular in the urban dictionary by the end of next year when it catches on and jumps the shark when fixiedouches throw the word around like Rapha and epic.Your welcome, yours truly Coastiedouche/ Vnewscantcensorcat5krusher.

Anonymous said...

Snob, I assume your expert advice has been sought by the writing team of this new show. If for some strange reason they have not consulted you, it will still be interesting to see if any memes that you have generated regarding bikes and Portland turn up on the show. ce

I am thee somemores engine said...

To Old Foggie at 2:57 in the morning.

I suspect that you are unclear on this inter-web thing.

There is no one on the inter-web in blog form that is going to be studied in an university setting. There is no body in blog form that is going to solve the world problems.

The general rule is if there is more of it, it is crappier than if there is less of it.

leroy said...

I can't be the only one thinking that mystery video went from bad to verse.

Shaun said...

@bikesgonewild

No really! I was asking for a friend who is a Hot Karl virgin. They want to make sure that the first time they smack someone in the face with a sock full of shit, everything goes just right. Thanks for your tips.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

bikesgonewild said...

...& to think that back in the '60's, we used the phrase "sock it to me" with great regularity...

...sheesh...

Kid Rock Tickets said...

I love it! Can't wait for the conference too, it's going to be great. And I'm 100% with you on the boob sweat. It's just plain unnecessary!

Fixie Bikes said...

Can't believe I never knew what a hot karl is.

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Wedding Planning Guide said...

Its such as you scan my mind! You appear to understand most concerning this, such as you wrote the book in it or one thing. i feel that you simply may do with some pics to drive the message home alittle, however apart from that, this is often nice journal. a good scan.

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