Monday, November 8, 2010

Wheelsucking and Name-Calling: So Much for "Bike Culture"

As a person whose physical and emotional constitution can best be described as "feeble," I'm not particularly well-equipped to deal with serious matters. This is especially true on Monday mornings, when even the smallest hint of adversity can cause me to writhe and wince as though a Serotta-owning dentist is digging into a decaying tooth with one of those sharp little pokey things. For example, simply waking up on Monday and discovering that I'm out of Froot Loops and chocolate milk is enough to send me right into the coat closet, where I'll often sit gently sobbing for hours.

It's no wonder, then, that I can hardly bear to even contemplate--let alone address--the doughy money manager in Colorado who hit a cyclist and fled the scene, but will not be charged with a felony because that would "have some pretty serious job implications" for him:

The cyclist this doughy money manager hit is a surgeon, and I would imagine that being hit by a Mercedes and left to bleed on the side of the road might have pretty serious job implications for him too, but in terms of importance you really can't compare surgery to managing people's fortunes.

Before you rush to judgement though, bear in mind that the doughy money manager did express concern after the accident--for his car:

Erzinger drove all the way through Avon, the town's roundabouts, under I-70 and stopped in the Pizza Hut parking lot where he called the Mercedes auto assistance service to report damage to his vehicle, and asked that his car be towed, records show. He did not ask for law enforcement assistance, according to court records.

Also, the District Attorney who dropped the charges doesn't want to cost the doughy money manager his job because "justice in this case includes restitution and the ability to pay it."

In other words, treating him like the criminal he is might make it slightly more difficult for him to buy his way out of this and any other future vehicular assaults, and that would be downright un-American.

In any case, it's stories like this that make me want to throw up my hands, burn my pants, turn on the TV, and park it right on the sofa with a sauce pan full of Froot Loops and chocolate milk for the duration of the week. It's also why I tend to focus instead on the petty indignities and monumentally inconsequential "injustices" of cycling and human interaction. Consider for example this past Friday, when I was wronged in a ridiculous, trivial, and extremely non-life-threatening way.

As I mentioned, it was a Friday, and after a long and difficult week doing whatever the hell it is that I do, I donned some Lycra cycling clothing, mounted my bicycle, and headed into Brooklyn's Prospect Park to clear the dust from my legs and the metaphysical residue of the week from my head. It was a crisp autumn evening, and as I circled the park with my feeble legs a-pumping and my front and rear lights a-strobing I was gradually overtaken by a feeling of peace and well-being. I was also overtaken by pretty much every other cyclist in the park, as well as by some of the runners getting in their last-minute pre-marathon miles, since I am, to use some obscure cycling jargon, "slow."

A few laps into my ride I noticed that my shadow had an extra head. Sometimes this can be an effect of the streetlights, which shine from both sides of the street and occasionally cast a chromosome-like double helix on the pavement as a result. However, I turned to look behind me, and my brief glance confirmed that this was not a trick of the light and that I had indeed acquired a pair of hangers-on.

For those of you who don Lycra with any regularity, this will go without saying, but if you're blissfully ignorant of the world of cycling in form-fitting clothing I should point out that sitting on the wheels of strangers--especially when they don't know you're there, and especially in the dark--is a very bad thing to do. First of all, it's dangerous for the same reason automotive tailgating is dangerous, especially in a place like Prospect Park where kids are wont to run out in front of you and lightless salmon are wont to charge at you at all hours of the day and night. The last thing I want in the event I'm forced to brake suddenly is for some wheelsucker I didn't even know was there to wind up humping my back like my helper monkey Vito does after he's watched too much "Nat Geo." Second of all, it's just rude--it's like sidling up behind someone at a urinal and putting your hand on his shoulder, or even joining in uninvited and "crossing the streams." Third, what if the person you're following is afflicted by severe flatulence? You might very well be asphyxiated.

Nevertheless, there are some people who think that, no matter what the circumstances, Lycra clothing and a racing bike mean "it's on." It's the "she was asking for it" mentality of the cycling world.

But it wasn't "on;" in fact, it was very much "off." So I swung off and waved the mysterious riders through, at which point they revealed themselves to be a pair of "hipster" types on "fixie"-type bicycles. I said something along the lines of, "You shouldn't sit on wheels like that" (in the same way you might say to the guy at the urinal, "Hey, you mind backing up a little bit?"), and then moved to the opposite side of the road to further underscore my "it's so very not on" point and allow them to continue on their way. (Fortunately for them, I did not have any flatulence to spare at that moment.) Apparently, though, I hadn't done enough.

"Whatever," replied the first rider, and after I moved over to the other side of the road they latched on to me again. At this point I felt very much like a woman being followed into the ladies' room of a bar by a pair of "frat boys," so I reiterated my request and by way of explanation offered a more succinct version of the above.

By now you'd think that they'd either respect my wishes, or else dismiss me as an old "roadie" fusspot (even though I was riding a so-called "cyclo-cross" bike), but in either case leave me alone. Instead, the de-facto leader of the pair said this:

"C'mon, don't we do this for the danger? Where's the flint in your veins? Don't be such a pussy."

He said this just sarcastically enough for it to be ironic, in the well-practiced manner of someone accustomed to getting his way and with a lifetime's experience in telling his parents off while remaining utterly confident that they will continue to praise him for his mediocrity and keep writing those tuition checks to Bard. It made me extremely angry--not so much because he had called me a "pussy," but more because he had found one of the few people in Brooklyn who would not push him off his bike and break his teeth for doing so. Instead, his childhood had once again received a stay of execution and the bubble in which he lived would remain intact for yet another day.

So I praised his delivery of the line and asked him to repeat it again while I took a picture, but unfortunately I only had a cellphone and it's almost impossible to get a decent shot out of it in the dark:

As I photographed him, be became somewhat contrite:

I didn't bother taking a picture of his friend, who just rode behind him and silently conformed.

Anyway, the Freddy Krueger sweater hipster's explanation for his wheelsucking and subsequent name-calling was to indict me for being a bad cyclist. "Shouldn't you have some responsibility for what's going on around you?," he asked. In other words, if he and his friend want to play "peloton" by riding behind me in the dark, then it's my responsibility to know they're there, accept it, and ride accordingly. Evidently, that's my job as a cyclist.

This irritated me even more than the "pussy" thing. It's like two people having a water balloon fight on the subway and telling you it's your fault you got wet because you didn't duck. Still, while I was irritated I can't say I was surprised. This is what's come of all these fixed-gear blogs and videos and all their nonsense talk of the "zen" state of heightened awareness and how brakeless riding makes you think "five moves ahead." It's the same attitude that informs the following comment that was left on my blog last month:

Anonymous said...

Okay so I'm new to NYC, from Seattle - and I'm no dumb kid. Only been here for a few weeks, and I love the free-for-all style out here. Doesn't matter if it's cars, pedestrians, or other bikers - you know everybody is going to behave as selfishly as possible. Where I'm from, the cars yield you (the biker) the right of way when it's NOT YOUR TURN TO GO. So you sit there and wait for them, while they are trying to show how polite they are. It's not polite when you inconvenience everybody by holding up the proper flow of traffic. Believe me, it's hectic here, but that's not a bad thing.

I ride pretty aggressive in traffic. I lanesplit, I overtake cars on the left or right or whatever. I - what is it called where you creep thru the crosswalk (not blocking it, okay) at the light to cut the intersection as soon as you can - Shoaling? Yeah I do that too. But you know what else? I don't endanger or inconvenience anybody else with my riding because I have enough skill on my bike and I keep my eyes open. I don't cut people off and I don't hit pedestrians.

I don't take risks that legs cant get me out of, I have a brake on my fixie, I have front and rear lights on my bike at night. I don't worry about getting doored because I am aware of the danger and I don't get close enough to cars that might fling a door open at me. When I'm heading into a narrow street with pedestrians I slow down a bit and keep my eyes on everyone at the margins, the cars on either side of me, and the driver seats of the parked cars. I've never been hit, I've ridden this hard for years.

What ever happened to personal responsibility? I will never claim that I "almost got killed by a driver" because I assume that the driver in the car to my left might swerve at me unexpectedly. When they do, I see it coming and I swerve. I never claim I "almost got killed" by that car backing down the street because I know that certain types of people are willing to do that when they pass a parking spot half a block behind them. I never claim I "almost got killed when an unexpected pedestrian stepped into the bike lane." When a pedestrian steps off the sidewalk, I knew he was a danger because I saw him NEAR the street without paying attention to the bike lane and I paid extra attention to him. Other people's actions are never unexpected if you expect them to behave erratically. Give yourself room to maneuver around them - anything that happens to your while you're on your bike is YOUR FAULT.

I thought people identified a certain toughness and independent spirit with being a biker. When people whine about how hard it is to do something optional I want to tell them to keep their complaints to themselves and just not do it.

sorry I don't have an account

My name is Ryan

In fact, in retrospect I wonder if my provocative friend in the red sweater may have been the masterful bike ninja Ryan himself.

In the end, I realized arguing further would only reaffirm their stereotypes about "roadie fusspots" who are too "stuck up" to tow complete strangers around the park, despite the fact that I spend a significant amount of time riding around the city in jeans and on a "fixie," to which my douche-tacular Observer photo attests. (Plus, I was getting winded due to my aforementioned feebleness.) Instead, I simply told them I was pleased to see they were riding bicycles, told them to be safe, and assured them that in 10 years they'll know what I'm talking about. (Which of course they won't, since they will almost certainly have moved away or else given up cycling by then.) More than anything though, the encounter made me miss the days before New York City got itself a "bike culture" and instead just had a whole bunch of people riding bikes without being so aggressively stupid about it.

He was right about one thing, though--I am a total "pussy."

145 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Simple Justice Blog has an excellent discussion of the Hit and Run sentencing. Incredible!

Wrench Monkey said...

Huzzah!

should be wednesday said...

love my PEDs

Anonymous said...

pussy?

Anonymous said...

The Colorado DA is the same a-hole who indicted the Mountain Biker on felony fraud charges for switching numbers. A real grandstander.

shoegazer said...

suck that wheel

Anonymous said...

top ten

Never Knows Best said...

Dang, you guys are fast.

Anonymous said...

Did I win?

Anonymous said...

top10eel!

Anonymous said...

Top fifteen, ladies!

Anonymous said...

Ahh, the joys of working at home; I can enjoy a tasty hot BSNYC column at lunch time instead of slaving at my desk while eating a microwaved pocket sandwich.

Anon 12:53: how excited can a gal get about a anonymous post?

OBA said...

The fact that you didn't send both of them to the deck speaks volumes about your character - you're simply the better man.

Anonymous said...

As Jason Mewes says in the first "An Evening With Kevin Smith":

No, I love pussy. I love pussy. So much.

Moments later, he replies to a heckler with a witty riposte you might remember the next time you find yourself in a dialog with Freddy and his buddy:

Why don't you put a cock in
your mouth and shut your face.



Coincidentally, the next time that shit happens, you can pull

Anonymous said...

Top 20!

JahBreaker said...

i lose...... again!

Anonymous said...

Well, kinda fuquored that one up.

mikeweb said...

I find in PP and pretty much anywhere else (CP, 9W, etc.) that people almost always get on my wheel without asking. I usually don't mind. It actually happened yesterday afternoon in PP and we had a great old time trying to force each other into hypoxia for 2-3 laps then had a nice chat for a half lap before he departed. I think in your example, I'd have been more offended because of the stupid sweater he was wearing.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you really should have dropped the olde "don't you know who the hell I am?!?" That always ends well.

bavarian camembert said...

that hit and run story is just unbelievable.
my dear american friends, if the ruling stays the same, you do now officially live in a banana republic.

i really can´t fucking believe this story...

ps: the Huffington Post is on it

Sacco and Vanzetti said...

After the guy who was shot in the head for riding a bike and this recent story, I may have to deploy a "preemptive" strike against motorists and kill them before they kill me. That excuse seems to work frequently, so I can only assume it will pan out for myself as well.

samh said...

I need to find out the judge's rationale behind this hit-and-run case because as it stands I can see no justice here whatsoever.

The motorist hit AND RAN. If he'd have hit and stuck around you might find a little compassion from me, but the a-hold DROVE OFF and had the nerve to call roadside assistance from a parking lot somewhere far away.

ervgopwr said...

Congrats BL on taking the win and not even noting it. Justice shall prevail, hopefully.

And snob, next time go Cinzano on freddy fixter.

Anonymous said...

sounds like your two wheel sucking friends could have used a Cat 1 sized crit bump, or since you were on the 'cross bike, maybe a good first turn shove.

hillbilly said...

you should bring vito along for such encounters, post 'nat geo' marathon of course.

Kenneth said...

A quick grab of the brake and a little waggle would have let them know to not follow a stranger so closely. Oh wait, that would shatter their idea of a "Zen" like experience and the omniscience that Fixed riding endows a person.

And ah yes, Money is Royalty here in the US. It always has been and if Eagle County District Attorney Mark Hurlburt has any say in the matter, it will continue.

Maybe I'll see his name on a ballot soon for political office with a big contribution from Martin Joel Erzinger...

yofilly said...

Fellow Cyclists:

My friend and I were nearly hit on our Saturday ride. The minivan was covered with magnets, and as such the driver would be very easy to track down. Should I? I'd love your input.

Snobby, sorry for your douchy encounter.

Anonymous said...

PTBAP - proud to be a pussy. Snob - i challenge you to a slower than you are race. I'll have you know at one time I had the record for the slowest time for a 10 mile time trial in South Jersey. Record lasted 2 years until a smoker tried the ride.

cycle

Anonymous said...

BTW - I'm so slow that turtles pass me on hills and laugh.

cycle

Kenneth said...

And here it is Douche bag lawyer for senate:
http://hurlbertforstatesenate.com/

Wonder who his largest campaign contributor is going to be?

Grump said...

You missed your chance to play "I be Jammin'"

No, I don't mean throwing down a LeMonster jump. I mean a major non-fixed skid, so that both pud1 and pud2, slam into your back wheel. As you ride away, say someting funny.

Norman said...

I love pussy. I would eat it every day. I would stand next to loads of pussy while eating ice-ream or sodo-pop or double chocolate ecstasy or rump roast.

And you, Mr. Rip Torn's Mug Shot, are the best pussy in the City.

goober said...

Hipster remoras in Prospect!

Seely said...

My friend passed this on:

If anyone has any thoughts to share with Mr. Erzinger:
Phone: 303-572-4846
E-mail: martin.j.erzinger@smithbarney.com

Anonymous said...

Snobby,

You should have dropped them!

FTW

Anonymous said...

samh/Bavarian--

This is not a ruling from a Judge. It's a plea bargain between a wealthy investment banker and an ambitious local district attorney. One can hope that the local Judge, will reject the deal after this outcry.
BL

Coloradian said...

Vail is a nasty little pit of soullessness and privilege. I flip it off whenever I drive through on I-70. Plastic Bavarian village for plastic people.

Somebody will get around to investigating the inevitable connections between the crooked DA and the doughy banker. Vail and the general area contains relatively few full time residents.

Did I mention the place sucks, and will kill the soul of any decent person silly enough to move there?

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Italy is what I say. On my commute to/from work (American, living in Italy for a few years) I'm not surprised when I find someone all kitted out accelerating to sit on my wheel after I pass them. Often, they'll sit there until I crest a hill or any rise. Then they get all fast and try to drop me. Mind you, I'm on my Surly with full fenders and panniers. Disclaimer: I have to admit guilt for trolling for good club rides on Sundays or poaching a Gran Fondo here and there.

curry goat said...

So Snob and friends, I'm pretty slow I and ride a 40 pound bike. I have a bad habit of getting on someone's wheel when crossing the bridge. Is this really wrong, dangerous and in poor form? What should I say, hey brah I'm on your ass is that cool brah, pull up your pants brah. What's the proper way to draft a stranger?

Ralphy said...

bikefusspotnyc.blogspot.com

Tex said...

If you ride around all spastic and wobbly, the morons (and everyone else) tend to leave you alone.

CommieCanuck said...

This makes Erzinger the second biggest asshole running. The #1 spot for this accolade still goes to this Spanish Douchebag. Delgado is suing for the damage to his Audi after killing this family's kid, and for the rental of another douchemobile while the killer douchemobile was being fixed.

Some people are just more important.

Martha Stewart Canuk said...

What's the proper way to draft a stranger?
-James Neutron

Dear Mr. Neutron,

The proper way to draft a stranger is to ride up close behind him, unknowing and yell quite clearly, "hey dude, can I suck on yer wheel?". If the answer is affirmative, then any mention of flatulence or visual recognition of "yabbies" through shorts is not allowed. If drafting a woman and female "yabbies" become visible, just shut the fuck up and enjoy the view. It's a good thing.

Sincerely,

Martha

Paul Bowen said...

I don't really understand the structure of the American criminal justice process but it does seem incredible that a DA gets to decide whether someone is prosecuted on the basis of the impact of a guilty verdict on his employment prospects! Won't the DA have to justify this decision? Who does a DA answer to?

Anonymous said...

Paul Bowen--
The voters, if they are paying attention.
BL

I am a little hairless engine said...

Rich money manager gets a pass again, who would have thought.

I will close my Smith Barney account as soon as I open one. I guess that would be pointless since I am not a "high income individual"

On a lighter note, I went to my public library to read snobby in the cellulose/tree product version of bicycling magazine.

I really liked the article about emergency things you should always carry. I was intrigued with the zip tie and plastic glove concept.

So intrigued that I propose those who have the cold penis while cycling problem with a simple fix.

Put that little plastic glove around your penis and "yabbies", and zip tie it on.

Not an elegent solution, but one for a problem that I have never heard heard about or had. Now I only have 56 things I need.

CommieCanuck said...

Paul Bowen said...

I don't really understand the structure of the American criminal justice process


Guilty until proven rich.

Stupid Name said...

Movie Name: A Civil Action (1998)
Quote:
Jerome Facher: Whats your take?
Jan Schlichtmann: Theyll see the truth.
Jerome Facher: The truth? I thought we were talking about a court of
law. Come on, youve been around long enough to know that a
courtroom isnt a place to look for the truth.

3G said...

This irritated me even more than the "pussy" thing.

That reads like a review of that penis warmer

Sebastian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Smith Barney,
370 17th St # 2800, Denver
(303) 572-4000

Call them and tell them what you think.

Anonymous said...

Vail:

Where the billionaires need to live in gated communities to keep out the millionaires.

Anonymous said...

Gee, Ryan the Seattle fixie hero sounds like a lotta fun to ride with. I'd rather live in an unselfish world where everyone follows the rules of the road so that when I ride on my neighborhood's "urban" streets, I can just ride and enjoy, rather than living in a hyper-vigilant state of paranoia like Ryan. Cycling should be pleasant, and as someone who doesn't race (I'm a tourist at heart), I like to follow the rules while I watch the world slide by at a relaxed 17 MPH (less if it's crowded--or if I feel "mellow"--or there's a slight uphill grade--or there are pretty girls nearby--or any other decent excuse to go slower).

Anonymous said...

So, does anybody see the irony in the fact that Vail was just named a stage location for the Quiznos Pro Challenge Cycling race? I understand that this was the DA's call, but he was representing the town of Vail. I see no reason for cyclists to support a town where vehicular assaults on cyclists are considered to be a non-issue. Where is the boycott of Quiznos Pro Challenge and Vail. BTW, for Vail's very proud news release of their support of cycling (so long as you are a pro, and not less wealthy than your assailant), see http://www.vailgov.com/release.asp?nr_id=5889&type=0

John in Albuquerque

Anonymous said...

Bad Lawyer.

Do that voo-doo you do so well, and find the names of the prosecutor, and judge so we can call them and tell them what we think.

leroy said...

So what is the proper etiquette for Prospect Park?

Saturday, I held the wheel of someone I've seen before but don't know for parts of a couple of laps and he drafted me for a little (although he was clearly a stronger rider and may have just felt stuck in traffic).

But mostly, we were just riding around at a similar pace, a few yards from each other.

That sort of ridiing isn't racing, it's more like socializing.

I usually wind up alongside someone I've followed or who has followed me and we chat about riding, sometimes for a few seconds, sometimes for a few laps. It's one of the things I like about riding in the Park.

I guess the proper etiquette is not to crowd anyone who wants to be left all alone (especially at night) and don't distract someone who's out training.

And the hands free nose blow is the universally recognized symbol for please get off my wheel.

SUBCONSAILOR said...

"C'mon, don't we do this for the danger?..."
Big risk taking fixster with his helmet on.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering why things have seemed better in Seattle recently. Apparently, we now have one less idiot.

Bad lawyers evil twin said...

Hurlbert, Mark D.
State of Colorado, Eagle County District Attorney, 5th Judicial District
P.O. Box 295
Eagle, CO 81631
Phone: (970) 328-6947
Fax: (970) 328-1016

http://www.crimeandfederalism.com/2010/11/district-attorney-mark-hurlbert-accepts-bribes.html

http://www.da5.us/attorneybios.html

http://pview.findlaw.com/view/2961937_1

brother yam said...

You are a pussy, I'd have stuck a pump in his front wheel.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bloomberg shouldn't have cut -no pun intended- down so much on knife crime.

appaled said...

found this (from this unbelievable post: http://www.cnbc.com/id/40071519) :

"The only agency permitted to investigate attorneys’ conduct is the Office of Attorney Regulation Counsel, supervised by the Colorado Supreme Court. The Colorado Bar Association is simply not allowed to do so. If you go to www.coloradosupremecourt.com information on how to contact them can be obtained there. Their toll free number is 877 888 1370. "

MyWorld said...

Sorry to hear of your negative encounter with that other "bike culture". It seems to be just like politics has always been, you are either with us, or you're against us-oh well. A few weeks ago I pointed a salmon to the other side of the street after we nearly collided at a crosswalk, me being in the car. He flipped me off and kept riding. Keith Richards reminds us that we should start acoustic, then go to electric. Me thinks that lots of these "cyclists" have suddenly found themselves in the midst of a "culture" without ever having played acoustic.

John said...

Yep, drafting someone without permission is asking them to take responsibility for you. If you're going to do this, you should at least pull alongside, give a friendly greeting and offer to work together.

Anonymous said...

All the pertinent names and the local news account is at the link: http://www.vaildaily.com/article/20101104/NEWS/101109939/1078&ParentProfile=1062

BL

bikesgonewild said...

...re:vail, colorado...

...erzinger now works w/ morgan stanley who fully support him because as they see it, this amazingly huge lapse in judgment, to drive away after hitting another human being with a car & leaving them lying broken in a ditch doesn't reflect on his work...

..."This unfortunate situation was not related to the individual's professional activities"...

...there are so many parties here complicit in informing us, "we're RICH, godammit & you're not, so you don't understand"...

Bakeryhead said...

wow, BIKEjectivism!

Anonymous said...

RTMS,

If you're a pussy, so am I.

Anonymous said...

where's the flint in your veins? are you kidding me? Your story makes me want to head over to PP dressed in full lycra kit and bait those two bitches into a little wheel sucking. Challenge the the twits to race a loop around the park and finish them off with a session of bike or die in the mean streets of the Slope, so they can fulfill their danger quotient. "Who's the pussy now bitch!" But that would mean going all the way to brooklyn, which I don't like to do.

By the way, nice sweater, you fucking dork.

PawnShop said...

Yabbies Test Re-re-redux:
I could have used some nipple warmers earlier today.
But not a penis warmer.
I'll keep you updated.

Anonymous said...

Bad fomr. Often on rides I'll be climbing along and suddenly realize someone's been sitting on my heel for I don't know how long. It's sort of like realizing a complete stranger has been reading over your shoulder.
It wouldn't bother me if they'd at least announce their presence; you know, like say "I'm on your wheel." But to refuse to get off your wheel when requested, that's a dick move. A handful of brakes would solve that problem, and they're the ones that will be tasting pavement.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Hey, I got poorly drafted by a hipster guy on a fixie in my hilly town ("downtown" is flat, we were in the flats). I was on the tandem with my kid on the back...guy comes up behind us and is getting pulled along (ok, tandems are great to ride behind esp on the flats)....but then he pulls past us and cuts us off! OK, a mistake I guess. I stop at a light...he comes back behind us (he had stopped by the side of the road, we had passed him)...and then he did it again! Drafted for 1/4 mile, then pulled past us, cut us off and (tried) to speed off. Why? what means this? We easily caught him, as my 7 year old can put out some mean watts when daddy asks. I was perplexed.

I said to Mr. Cut down bars, "are you trying to give me a message by pulling in front of me?"

MCDB said, "fuck you old man"

I said, "you must be mistaking me for someone else"

"Fuck off"

Now my boy knows the "F word" as he calls it (in fact the other night when he woke up itching with hives, he said, "I'm so itchy and mad, I want to say the 'f word'. I told him, go ahead...he was scandalized...I convinced him to say FEATHERS! another 'f word' with equal lack of meaning. He laughed and stopped being weepy about hives. Lots of conversation about the variable use of language).

But why insult some old guy on a tandem with a little boy on the back and a ton of groceries and book bags and equipment lashed on? IE why attempt to humiliate me in front of my child? Who then said to Mr Fixter, "you're making a mistake to mess with my dad and me...we'll drop you like a hot rock", in his best 2nd grade tough guy attitude.

I was totally shocked (that he knew the hot rock / and that he'd talk to a potentially scarey feller). I said, let's go and leave Mr No Imagination in the Vocabulary behind. We sprinted to the next light (uphill a little bit) and we did drop him, though he pretended not to be trying to keep up (at first he was, but hell, interval training with an extra 80 lbs - tandem, kid + baggage - pays off)

He caught up at the light (I waited)...and I suggested he not tell me to fuck off again or we'd feed him to the pigs. My son said to him, "your vocabulary is weak" (which is our explanation of the F word).

I believe he might be one of the elite, for he was quite non-plussed.

I do find it a bit peculiar when we feed the occassional chicken to the pigs (ie if it's an egg eater...off with it's head / into the trough / closed system)

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Hey, I got poorly drafted by a hipster guy on a fixie in my hilly town ("downtown" is flat, we were in the flats). I was on the tandem with my kid on the back...guy comes up behind us and is getting pulled along (ok, tandems are great to ride behind esp on the flats)....but then he pulls past us and cuts us off! OK, a mistake I guess. I stop at a light...he comes back behind us (he had stopped by the side of the road, we had passed him)...and then he did it again! Drafted for 1/4 mile, then pulled past us, cut us off and (tried) to speed off. Why? what means this? We easily caught him, as my 7 year old can put out some mean watts when daddy asks. I was perplexed.

I said to Mr. Cut down bars, "are you trying to give me a message by pulling in front of me?"

MCDB said, "fuck you old man"

I said, "you must be mistaking me for someone else"

"Fuck off"

Now my boy knows the "F word" as he calls it (in fact the other night when he woke up itching with hives, he said, "I'm so itchy and mad, I want to say the 'f word'. I told him, go ahead...he was scandalized...I convinced him to say FEATHERS! another 'f word' with equal lack of meaning. He laughed and stopped being weepy about hives. Lots of conversation about the variable use of language).

But why insult some old guy on a tandem with a little boy on the back and a ton of groceries and book bags and equipment lashed on? IE why attempt to humiliate me in front of my child? Who then said to Mr Fixter, "you're making a mistake to mess with my dad and me...we'll drop you like a hot rock", in his best 2nd grade tough guy attitude.

I was totally shocked (that he knew the hot rock - and that he'd talk to a potentially scarey feller). I said, let's go and leave Mr No Imagination in the Vocabulary behind. We sprinted to the next light (uphill a little bit) and we did drop him, though he pretended not to be trying to keep up (at first he was, but hell, interval training with an extra 80 lbs - tandem, kid + baggage - pays off)

He caught up at the light (I waited)...and I suggested he not tell me to fuck off again or we'd feed him to the pigs. My son said to him, "your vocabulary is weak" (which is our explanation of the F word).

I believe he might be one of the elite, for he was quite non-plussed.

I do find it a bit peculiar when we feed the occassional chicken to the pigs (ie if it's an egg eater...off with it's head; into the trough; closed system) Like Mavic?

Unknown said...

"flint in your veins"? Are you kidding me?
First of all, circulating flint is all arterial, being too large a molecule to pass through capillary beds, and is filtered by the liver.

Secondly, this attitudinal wheel-sucking is the perfect metaphor for his life: pretending to be an adult without doing any of the work.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Hey, I got poorly drafted by a hipster guy on a fixie in my hilly town ("downtown" is flat, we were in the flats). I was on the tandem with my kid on the back...guy comes up behind us and is getting pulled along (ok, tandems are great to ride behind esp on the flats)....but then he pulls past us and cuts us off! OK, a mistake I guess. I stop at a light...he comes back behind us (he had stopped by the side of the road, we had passed him)...and then he did it again! Drafted for 1/4 mile, then pulled past us, cut us off and (tried) to speed off. Why? what means this? We easily caught him, as my 7 year old can put out some mean watts when daddy asks. I was perplexed.

I said to Mr. Cut down bars, "are you trying to give me a message by pulling in front of me?"

MCDB said, "fuck you old man"

I said, "you must be mistaking me for someone else"

"Fuck off"

Now my boy knows the "F word" as he calls it (in fact the other night when he woke up itching with hives, he said, "I'm so itchy and mad, I want to say the 'f word'. I told him, go ahead...he was scandalized...I convinced him to say FEATHERS! another 'f word' with equal lack of meaning. He laughed and stopped being weepy about hives. Lots of conversation about the variable use of language).

But why insult some old guy on a tandem with a little boy on the back and a ton of groceries and book bags and equipment lashed on? IE why attempt to humiliate me in front of my child? Who then said to Mr Fixter, "you're making a mistake to mess with my dad and me...we'll drop you like a hot rock", in his best 2nd grade tough guy attitude.

I was totally shocked (that he knew the hot rock, and that he'd talk to a potentially scarey feller). I said, let's go and leave Mr No Imagination in the Vocabulary behind. We sprinted to the next light (uphill a little bit) and we did drop him, though he pretended not to be trying to keep up (at first he was, but hell, interval training with an extra 80 lbs - tandem, kid + baggage - pays off)

He caught up at the light (I waited)...and I suggested he not tell me to fuck off again or we'd feed him to the pigs. My son said to him, "your vocabulary is weak" (which is our explanation of the F word).

I believe he might be one of the elite, for he was quite non-plussed.

I do find it a bit peculiar when we feed the occassional chicken to the pigs (ie if it's an egg eater...off with it's head; into the trough; closed system)

bikesgonewild said...

...yep...you tried to do the right thing in the beginning, which is to offer reason...

...but then they tried to get back on your wheel ???...

...at that point, it's a quick side snot & while the little tag-a-longs are confronting their grossed out sensibilities i'd a' followed with a quick brake check & i'd bet you'd have solved a "bike culture" problem forevermore as regards those two...

...but then, you sir, bsnyc/rtms may be more considerate than i...

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry about the repeated post...not to mention the meaninglessness of it.

rural 14

skullboy said...

So Ryan states: "Give yourself room to maneuver around them - anything that happens to your while you're on your bike is YOUR FAULT."

A couple of questions for ya, Ryan: Was it Dr. Milo's fault that the fund manager Martin Joel Erzinger hit him from behind? How do you maneuver around a car that comes up from behind?

Anonymous said...

very, very proud.

mikeweb said...

@rural,

I do find it a bit peculiar when we feed the occasional chicken to the pigs

The farm I grew up on we let the hens free range. Sometimes one would range over to the sty after slop time and feed itself to the pigs.

Great comment, btw.

Anonymous said...

?
DA says mr broker did not know he hit somebody, but did realize that his car was damaged, pulled over miles away, and had another car delivered.

Peasants, get out of my way, my other car is a Range Rover, and it will cause more serious injuries..

DRStedman said...

You are amazingly patient and kind.
I HATE wheel suckers, and I HATE assholes who act like your a dick for asking them to be considerate.
You should have probably kicked his bike over. Or stabbed him in the heart(overreaction?).

Cast and crew of Team America said...

Sure, you're a pussy, and that guy was a dick, and dicks fuck pussies. You could have been an asshole, because assholes shit on dicks and pussies, but sometimes they get fucked by dicks. So if you become a dick, you get to fuck pussies and sometimes assholes.

Wheelsucker said...

FEAT HERS

Etherhuffer said...

Please don't send Ryan back to us. Seattle is awash in enough narcicism to drive up the cost of mirrors for 100 miles around.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ cast & crew of team america...

...'rock, paper, scissors' would have been so less prurient, if you will...

Anonymous said...

Ryan does make one good point in his letter. When you ignore traffic laws you mess up the flow of traffic for everyone and often create dangerous situations. It doesn't matter if you are being too aggressive or too courteous. Follow the traffic laws that have been reasonably well developed to promote the orderly and efficint flow of traffic.

I live and ride in Boise, Idaho. I am not an aggressive rider at all. I often find drivers trying to be courteous by refusing the right of way and waiting for me ot go intstead. In addition to being a bit insulting (like I'll never get accross the street on my own) I have no reason to beleive the person in the next two lanes are going to stop, the people behind that driver are frustrated and likely to swerve around, anyone not paying enough attention may slam into a car stopped in the middle of the road, etc. There is no way I am putting myself in the middle of a situation like that. Meanwhile traffic is backing up, and nobody is getting anywhere! That isn't helpful or courteous. It happens all the time!

Your motivation does not matter, just observe traffic laws!

Anonymous said...

http://www.worth.com/index.php/component/advisors/?id=430&view=single

bikesgonewild said...

...rural 14...

...besides sharing your cycling 'habit' with your kid, i'll suggest you must be a pretty cool dad just by the responses your kid threw back at that douche...

...he prob'ly wasn't smart enough to realize he got 'bested' by an articulate second grader...

...priceless stuff...

Perry said...

A few weeks ago someone latched onto my wheel after I overtook him. I was going around 40km/h when I had to brake hard in order to stop before some pedestrians who were just about to cross (saw them late ...). The guy hit me but "bounced" off and went flying - unfortunately for him he broke a rib and most likely tore some muscles around his shoulders.

He was quite in agony when I helped him to the side of the ride and went to get his bike. Felt sorry for him since I should known he was behind me - on the other hand I would have felt less sorry for him if he had caused me to crash.

Myself I would never latch onto someone's wheel without asking first and then take turns.

Anonymous said...

I am told that in Germany it is illegal to offer someone else the right of way when it's yours.

Alles in ordnung!

Pussy & Proud said...

youth+bicycle+big city=feelings of immortality+big city=grease spot in greasy big city

Meanwhile, I thought the goal was to get older. Being a dead cyclist is slightly less fun that being a 90 year old cyclist, so since I am all about fun, I'll go for the later.

I love all the definite ideas people have about why everyone does something or the way everyone should do something.

And by love, I mean let them eat pavement grit.

Anonymous said...

Rather than any real concern about danger I think ya'll are simply annoyed at someone taking advantage of your hard work, and the fact that it's just rude.

I personally don't really care if someone gets on my wheel. They're not be in any position to complain if I don't employ all the usual signals, or if I snot rocket them, or if I don't hold a precise line. And if they are sorry enough to need a pull from me, well, go for it.

On the rare occasion I get on someone's wheel uninvited, I let them know I'm there and that I'd be happy to take a pull if they want. More often than not, however, I'm barely hanging on just staying on the wheel. If they want me to take the front I'll pull for a while, knacker myself out, and then fall back far enough that I'm no longer on the wheel...

Anonymous said...

Yep, random brake checks are excellent methods of helping natural selectioin along.

Big D said...

The best response to uninvited wheel suckers is:

"Sorry mate, didn't know you were a dog."

"What do you mean?"

"The way you're sniffing my ass, just thought you were trying to say hello."

Anonymous said...

I hate it when I'm training and I blow by some Fred tootling around, then find him drafting me a couple hundred metres later. Obviously they want to see if they can keep up. They're always gone as soon as the first hill arrives, or I'll just ride them off my wheel.

Even worse is when I'm out on an ultra slow recovery ride, and some Fred blows by me, huffing, puffing, straining, and bobbing. Probably a small victory in their minds.

On the other hand, drafters actually give the draftee a 20% performance advantage, so we might as well embrace them.

curry goat said...

Interesting responses on drafting etiquette. But I hate passing someone if I can't really put some distance between us. It's almost worse to pass and then dangle 20 feet in front of them. So you draft, force them to get a little tired then go for it and make a good gap. Would you rather have an asshole in front of you or behind you?

Paul Bowen said...

Bad Lawyer:
The voters, if they are paying attention.
And if they don't all come from the same stratum as the gruesome twosome at the centre of this outrage I guess.

CommieCanuck:
Guilty until proven rich.
There's a bit of that everywhere in the world but, cynicism aside, America is a genuine civil society where the rule of law means something and her people surely, in the name of all sanity, will not stand for this?

rural14: great post but that last sentence is just scary for a city boy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks snob, that was a moving post. I also miss the world before bike culture. You said it just right and it makes me kind of sad.

Anonymous said...

every hipster on the face of the planet is a "pussy" and a total fucking poser too.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The thing I do not understand about your encounter is that in every racer, buried just under the surface, is an inner beast just waiting for a provocation to attack.

A few weeks ago, I was out on an easy recovery ride when I stumbled across the tail end of a local charity ride. I latched on and methodically advanced my way through the field. I couldn't help myself, even though those I was passing were certainly not "throwing down the gauntlet." I couldn't stop myself from putting the hammer down.

I have ridden with these fey, slight hipsters many times, and any seasoned racer could drop even the best of them within a few hundred yards.

Even after a tough week, and even when you were not intending to hammer, how could you resist the urge to absolutely bury them? More dramatic, in my opinion, than braking, snot rockets or verbal jousting.

Merceron said...

That guy with the red sweater sounds like a total c***.

Bleevo said...

do you know who i am?

I’m very important.

I have many leather bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

..because sometimes, wishiwasmerckx, on certain days some of us are just simply 'gladtobepoulidor'...

...without the added appendage of a hipster wheelsuck, of course...

derrickito said...

good to see you're making your mark ryan!

Runn Emmanuel said...

I agree with wishiwasmerckx; Even if I was smashed by a bus, trampled by fat old tea-baggers and ass-raped by log-cabin republicans, I would still race those motherphuckers on fixies...like 'wishi...' I can't help it.

A fixie is a red rag to this old bull

Anonymous said...

yea bitches!

Turd Ferguson said...

ervgopwr said...
next time go Cinzano on freddy fixter.

At the very least..

crosspalms said...

I mostly commute, so I can't imagine drafting anyone. Even if I'm just out for a ride. For what? And without asking? Those guys were bozos.
Colorado guy - and DA - leaves me speechless.

The Amazing Kresge said...

I predict Stripey Sweater Boy will one day piss off the wrong person, but he won't learn anything. He'll just be a stupid hipster with some expensive dental work.

MrMook said...

I'd just like to take this time to apologize to the guy I was "drafting" down the Brooklyn Bridge (not my usual bridge) last week. I was on my SS MTB (not my usual bike), and the bridge was crawling with it's usual tourist population. I stayed pretty close to your tail--not drafting, it was at least a few bike-lengths--but only to stay in your "wake" to avoid the amateur photographers walking backwards in the bike lane.

You kept looking back, like you were worried I was trying to pass you. Sorry if I came off as a jerk. I really didn't mean anything by it, but I will stay off your wheel (and anyone else's wheel) in the future.

PS: Martin Joel Erzinger is a pussy.

dux said...

Riding down the hill into Sausalito very quickly and an
out of control fixed gear rider comes by careening back and forth. I inquire whether or not they have insurance? The usual 'fuck you' response followed by
a massive impact into the back of a VW bus.
Karma is a delightful bitch...

Anonymous said...

"In any case, it's stories like this that make me want to throw up my hands, burn my pants, turn on the TV..."

Or just want to throw up.

fucked up my whole week that did.

Anonymous said...

eat the rich



mmmmm, doughy.

bikesgonewild said...

...cute story, senor dux & after my own confrontation with like ilk, a happy ending to boot...

Pink Lobster said...

Excerpt from ExPat ExLawyer's blog post about Evil DA Hurlburt's action against the mountain bikers (the post goes on to say that these women DID in fact lose their jobs as a result of being charged with felonies):

*Given Hurlbert now admits that a felony conviction is unlikely and jail unmerited, why did he go ahead and charge the felony to begin with? Though he probably doesn’t care, Hurlbert certainly knows that the mere charging of a felony is likely to ruin a person’s life. Here’s his answer:

We were looking at the laws, and this was the only crime that was a fit. That doesn’t mean they will be convicted of a felony.

A prosecutor has a sworn ethical obligation, though, not to merely seek a conviction, but to act in the best interest of justice on behalf of ” The People of the State of Colorado.” It would seem charging an individual with a crime that is admittedly overkill just because later he can leverage it to force a misdemeanor plea bargain, fails this ethics test.*

Inconsistent douchebag, unless you count that he's consitently against cyclists. And reason. This story really freaks me out. Can we all go stage a protest in Vail or something?

Anonymous said...

Ty's Chimera here;


ATTN: NYC Metro-Hicks.

The proper method that allows a draftee to shed an unwanted drafter is to 'serpentine'*


*See "The In-Laws" starring Peter Falk and Alan Arkin for a complete and detailed explanation of proper 'serpentine' evasive manoeuvring techniques.

SmugSeattle said...

I think LBSs across the nation, especially in Vail, should start offering a "buy a Serotta, get a free Colt M4" package.

Not that I advocate or condone violence, but Mr. Money Manager didn't have a problem with it.

stream of nothing said...

it's a hard knock life :)

Unknown said...

i had the same unwanted drafting often happen to me when i lived in nyc 20 years ago and rode around the central park loop for fun and scenery. once i met a cute guy that way and we dated awhile, mostly other bicyclists shouted at me how slow i was. once a rollerblader drafted me. that was weird.

Anonymous said...

Frequent spitting and snot rockets keep your wheel clear.

It's Zen Ninja's responsibility to anticipate it, right?

Anonymous said...

Coming from someone who owns a "fixie" along with a road bike and several mountain bikes, I hate that kind of scum, wait till he is talking and then kick his bike over.

If you feeling extra rageful you can take advantage of his winded state and beat a lesson into him

Beerzie said...

Nicely done, pussy.

Anonymous said...

PS: the Ryan in this post beats up his girlfriends when they try to dump him, then denies wrongdoing to his friends, attempting to paint his timid exgirlfriend as a liar despite photos of the bruises on her neck, while pleading for clemency and forgiveness in court, stating "sometimes we do things we don't mean." Worst kind of self-righteous unlearning jerk. Won't even own up and apologize, because that would mean he was wrong, and he can't deal with it.

Hi Ryan. Creep.

Anonymous said...

I wrote, gathered, and organized some links on the Erzinger plea deal at my blawg--but, a little more about the DA. Hurlbut, as I said yesterday, is a major grandstander. He's the same clown who famously indicted Kobe Bryant on rape charges that wholly-collapsed at trial. Local voters rewareded him by not reelecting him to his postion, he is now a candidate for State Senate. His other celebrity-dance was the indictments out of the Leadville 100 of Wendy Lyall, who legitimately won her race, but because of a registration snafu raced using the registration materials of her friend, Katie Brazelton.

As I said at my blawg, the world is often a hostile and perilous place, but it's nice ot have money.
BL

David said...

For the record, there's nothing Zen at all about riding a fixie or anything else that requires thinking five moves ahead (or any moves ahead). Those who have actually read Zen In The Art Of Archery will know the
(over-)simplest way to sum up the Zen way of doing things is to stop thinking so much and go with the flow of the universe. The closest thing to Zen bike riding is thus probably riding a single-speed NON-fixie by yourself on a quiet country road where there's nothing to overthink.

V. said...

First time comment here, be gentle.
The Vail Valley news has a release from the DA explaining the plea bargain:

Vail Valley Voices

If you don't want to read the article, under the misdemeanor that the DBMM plead to he might be forced to pay restitution and/or serve jail time. Plus his license is revoked, and he has a record that shows careless driving and severe bodily injury. That follows him around forever.

In the felony plea he could have had the documents sealed and would never have to own up to it again.

The DA felt that this plea was a much stronger version of justice AND he gets to keep his job, meaning that restitution will not be a problem.

Other than that, this has become a regular read for me. Thanks for the humor and commentary.

Anonymous said...

I think you need to ride with an extra Planet Bike Superflash on "epileptic flash mode" pointed up, so as to be directly in the line of sight of any potential wheel-sucker-hipstereeny-folk.

Harry said...

I'm the dickhead on the 'fixie'! Hi Snob!

Just to clarify - my bike had a freewheel - actually, a one speed cog on a Shimano 'freehub' design so I was 'free-fixie'ing it Total poseur move, I know - fortunantly, it worked, as you confused my smooth pedal style and Real Simple chainline for a fixie (thank God). It was also a sweet 'vintage' ride.

My attire was also of the 'fake-enger' variety being carefully 'curated' from 'vintage' thrift shops.

For what its worth - I was drunk and your 'slow' is pretty fast. I latched onto your wheel and was quite surprised by your subsequent reaction.

I am not a 'noobie' but have been riding for quite a while - ever since I learned that bikes helped me get away from my parents for more than an hour - before brifters.

I kinda thought that you, Snob, were a 'hipster' yourself - what with your 'cross' bike and no foot retention (I think). I think I'm also older than you think - more in line with your age than that of your usual asshole-on-a-bike.

Anyway - Sorry to have caused you consternation. I pledge to not use epithets next time - maybe you can pull me to Nyack some time?

-Harry

ringcycles said...

If Mr. Erzinger really manages $1bil in client assets, his income is likely in the $6-10m range. Glad to know that he'll be able to work to pay for the civil suit. I imagine Bad Lawyer would confirm that Dr. Milo has hired a pretty good lawyer for the civil suit, which should ask for about $60-70mil. out of Erzingers wide soft ass. Good old American justice, sue'm into relative poverty.

Anonymous said...

It looks like you hipster cyclo-cross mudpuppies are screwing things up in Ottawa (America's Jimmie Hat). They are closing down races up there because of the mess:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/ottawa/story/2010/11/04/bike-racing-114.html?ref=rss

Rupert said...

Reasonable response from Harry... Glad I don't ride in urban areas... Personally I find it proper to say "I'm on your wheel" and then see whether the response is "OK" or "FO" and react accordingly.
SOunds to me like the Vail thing (DA's explanation) offers a false choice of 2 options only (plea bargains for a misdemeanor or a felony), but did not address the option of going to court and prosecuting for a felony, which seems worthwhile given what he did - wilfully left the scene and a victim who might have been dying on the road.

Anonymous said...

The author of this blog sounds like a reaaaaaaaaaaal asshole. Everything pisses it off.

Sounds like it's got a serious problem with men, too.

Hippublican said...

M. Cippo would have given Harry a beautiful beatdown.

I'm no lawyer, but as an amateur economist, the financial manager should get a tax cut to stimulate the economy and create jobs.

Anonymous said...

Harry,
Why would you call a total stranger a pussy because they won't let you ride their wheel when they are just having a casual ride in the park? You are indeed a dickhead. If it were me you would be picking up your teeth with broken fingers. In fact I hope to run into you the park sometime, now that we know what you look like. Enjoy your next ride bitch.

Anonymous said...

Snob you're a hippocrit. Isn't said bike culture what you write about and to whom you pedal your wares?

Fatty

Anonymous said...

I looked up "arrogant super-douche" in the dictionary and it said; "Someone named Ryan, formerly from Seattle".

Anonymous said...

Need to master the art of flatulence on command.

The Big Cog said...

wheelsucking is ok, just ask first

Anonymous said...

Who's that work from home fuck hating on the hot pockets? phatpat cardiff......

Anonymous said...

Mean People [Wheel] Suck.

frank pichel said...

check out this wheel sucker in Prospect Park circa 1896:

http://www.suite101.com/content/the-phantom-cyclist-in--brooklyns-prospect-park-a217171

Anonymous said...

"What ever happened to personal responsibility? ... Give yourself room to maneuver around them - anything that happens to your while you're on your bike is YOUR FAULT."

No it's not, there are those that even the best of cyclists can't overcome, what you say is particularly true for 99.9% of the accidents, but some of those examples, the driver has to be accountable for them and yes, they almost killed you doing it, it's the discrepancies & prejudices of 3,000 lbs vs 200+/- lbs in a collision

Fixie Bikes said...

no "culture" is above name calling.