Clean Wins, Shady Fights: The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Throw Shades

This past weekend, the last of the Ardennes Classics races, Liège-Bastogne-Liège (also known as "La Doyenne," which is French for "The Doyenne") took place. The winner, Alexandre Vinokourov, finished six seconds ahead of his breakaway companion Alexandr Kolobnev, who rode well but ultimately lacked the "e" at the end of his name that might have allowed him to match his almost-namesake's formidable power output. Here is Vinokourov as he crossed the line, savoring the scent of victory on his fingertips:

(After getting lucky with "La Doyenne," the smell can linger on your fingers for days.)

Though Vinokourov has won Liège-Bastogne-Liège once before in 2005, he also spent two years under suspension for blood doping. Specifically, he tested positive for a humongous blood transfusion. (This is basically a really big blood transfusion, and it should not be confused with an autolingus transfusion, which requires that you be able to "lick yourself" and is much more common in dog racing than in human sports.) Consequently, Vinokourov is aware that he's still under suspicion, but while his hands may reek of "La Doyenne" he insists that his victory--as well as his conscience--is as clean as a dog's groin after a lengthy autolingus session:

I'm inclined to believe him. For one thing, having served his time, it seems unlikely he'd risk getting caught again as this would certainly end his career. For another, I don't even believe that Vinokourov cheated in the first place and indeed suspect that he was the victim of a massive conspiracy. Consider the fact that he supposedly "tested positive for two different blood cell populations and thus for homologous transfusion." This would imply that he received blood cells from a donor. However, it's well-known that Vinokourov is more in love with himself than any other rider in the professional peloton. Not even Lance Armstrong or Alberto Contador has ever raced in a jersey bearing his own likeness:

Consequently, I find it very difficult to believe that the first-ever rider to break the "fourth wall of self-promotion" would deign to accept another's blood into his own veins. If anything, he would have opted for the "auto" method--not for performance-enhancing reasons, but because for the profoundly vain there is no more intoxicating drug than your own bodily fluids and secretions. (Earwax is the egoist's sweet potato.) And if Vinokourov were able to successfully engage in the act of autolingus, it's highly unlikely his directeur sportif would be able to get him off the team bus, much less across the finish line of a cycling "Monument" in first place. Then again, he did spend like an hour and a half "making out" with his own reflection after the race:

Still, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Says Vinokourov, "I worked very hard during my two years’ ban to be able to come back and be productive at a high level," and there is certainly plenty of photographic evidence to support his claim that he was indeed training hard during his suspension:

I'm sure I'm not the only cycling fan who is tremendously excited about Vino's new show on TBS.

Meanwhile, in the decidedly more workaday world of domestic professional road racing, Rahsaan Bahati has been fined for "unsportsmanlike conduct:"

This conduct consisted of Bahati hurling a pair of sunglasses into the peloton:

Indeed, you can see the shades-fling heard 'round the lycra-clad world at the 41st second of this video, which has since become the Zapruder film of pro cyclists getting hit with eyewear:

Apparently, Bahati can throw sunglasses with such deadly accuracy that he can knock a computer sensor off a bicycle fork and into the spokes:

Unfortunately, though, he foiled the wrong rider, since he was aiming for Jake Keough but he hit Andrew Pinfold. (This is what's known in the cryptic doublespeak of the protective eyewear assassin as "collateral damage.)

As with Vinokourov, I am hesitant to rush to judgment. Even though Bahati himself acknowledges he was angry, it's equally possible that he was simply measuring a road imperfection using the "Portland method" and the glasses slipped out of his sweaty hand. Or, he may have been trying to execute a "sunglasses hand-up" to a squinting teammate:



Forget urinating while on the bike; catching a pair of Oakleys with your face is the true mark of the professional cyclist.

The true mark of the urban cyclist, however, is still apparently a giant messenger-themed bag and a fixed-gear bicycle with no brakes. In addition, no ride through a recently-gentrified neighborhood is complete without an appropriate soundtrack. To that end, a reader informs me that the smug-mongers at NPR have "dropped" an urban cycling playlist:

I disagree with the caption under the photo, which reads that "urban cycling is not for the faint of heart." Riding a motorcycle at 75mph with your eyes closed or wrestling alligators naked is not for the faint of heart; riding a bicycle around your city or town is a perfectly reasonable and pleasant pursuit for the faint-hearted, and even if you're a "woosie" I recommend it wholeheartedly. Moreover, you're certainly not a "warrior," nor should you bring any "aggression" (healthy or otherwise) along with you on the way to work. Instead, save up that healthy aggression like egoists save up their earwax and bring it to a race. (Just try not to bring too much aggression, or you may go home with a fine and without your sunglasses.) Certainly, bicycle racing isn't for everybody, but I can't help thinking that if more cyclists raced their bikes they wouldn't be so compelled to ride inconsiderately around town. When you've done a really hard ride you're perfectly happy to stop at red lights, yield to other cyclists, and give pedestrians the right of way the rest of the time. In that sense, racing your bike is the equivalent of "cleaning the pipes" before a big date, and behaviors like "shoaling" are the equivalent of the "popcorn trick."

Anyway, I was even more confused when I listened to the playlist. None of it sounded like something a "warrior" would listen to while heading off to battle, nor did it make me want to grab my "fixie" and rip up some pavement--though I guess halfway through track three I did briefly consider "hitting up" the American Apparel for some thigh-highs. (Or, as they're called in Portland, cyclocross formal wear.)

Undeniably though the streets of many trendy neighborhoods are teeming with Nü-Freds who are living out iPod-fueled warrior fantasies. Everybody's in their own private "The Song Remains The Same"-esque fantasy sequence, and they're riding their IROs as awkwardly as Robert Plant rode that horse. Now, I lose myself in meditation just like any cyclist--it's one of the best parts of cycling--but warrior delusions can be dangerous. (Nobody wins a jousting match with an Entenmann's truck.) This, more than the sensory depravation, is the real danger of cycling while listening to headphones. If you're given to flights of fancy, you'd probably be better off listening to your iPod while pretending to ride on this $1,000 Brooks stool, which was spotted in Miami by a reader:

Or, at the very least, save up your aggression for the jerkwad who stole your top tube protector:


to the jerkwad who stole my top tube protector - w4m (Greenpoint Nassau G stop)
Date: 2010-04-22, 10:47PM EDT

Dear jerkface-

I parked my bike near the nassau G stop today and thank goodness I locked both tires because you would have taken those too if you could. But the top tube protector? Seriously? My beautiful purple snakeskin top tube protector (that was a gift) off of my beautiful purple track bike. You probably don't even like bikes. Or better yet, your mom just gave you her credit card over the phone to buy a sweet custom track bike from urban outfitters and you don't even know how to ride it yet.

I will absolutely deface your bike when I find it and have no shame in kicking you in the kneecaps if I find you. Don't be fooled by the basket.

Don't steal from a chick that rides a track bike. You should know better.

A purple bike with a purple snakeskin top tube pad is definitely the stuff of a fantasy sequence--as is a "Cat Girl" sighting:

Cat Girl in Union Square 4-24 - m4w (Union Square)
Date: 2010-04-25, 12:05AM EDT

You were sitting with some friends on the steps. You had cat ears and tattoos. I was a short distance away playing a game involving feet. You were certainly the most interesting looking person I had seen in a while, even with the guy with the crazy bike behind you. ( I mean this in a good way, btw)

Between the cat ears and the foot game I doubt the poster's sobriety. Who needs headphones and playlists when you have hallucinogens?