Friday, March 5, 2010

BSNYC Flying Funquist!

("Stop him! He's killing track bikes!")

In these uncertain times, many of us find ourselves searching for meaning. For example, I have chosen to worship a Lobster God (beware of false prophets), to whom I pray for guidance, protection, and discounts. However, sometimes I also need a more worldly cause behind which to rally so I can delude myself into thinking that I'm changing society for the better. Unfortunately, though, this can be hard. I once tried veganism, but after accidentally ingesting a fly during a ride I had to scrap the whole enterprise. My brief stint in the animal rights movement was also a disaster--all I'll say is, as much as I believe in equality of the species, opening a joint checking account with your cat will set you on the road to financial ruin. Finally, though, I think I've discovered the cause for me. I'm going to join the legions of people now fighting to "Save The Track Bike!"

Here's the movement's philosophy:

Who doesn't love buttons? And who doesn't like making a statement? This isn't political. I'm not here to tell you what kind of bike to ride. Because really...I don't care as long as you're on a bike. This is just a little reminder of where everyone came from. A much simpler time, one more about community. A time when people relied on each other for information rather than some blog or forum. A time when you didn't have a rode a Track Bike because that is all there was. There was no CMX, most had never even heard of Cyclocross, Road Bikes had gears and Mountain Bikes where just a no no. Don't sell your Track Bike for a Road Bike. Don't forget about your Track Bike because your CMX is more fun. Don't forget that before Cyclocross was ever cool Track Bikes introduced you and many others to this wonderful thing called cycling. The Track Bike will forever be in my heart. It has been a huge part of my life, the person I am and the people I have grown to love. So now it is time for me to give back to the Track Bike. I am doing this by trying my hardest to never let anyone forget what an amazing machine the Track Bike is and forever will be.

I know what you're thinking: "Why does the track bike need saving? It's perfectly safe due to the continued existence of track racing and the equipment rules clearly set forth by the UCI." Well, that's not really what this movement is about. "Save The Track Bike" is actually about making sure people remember that the "OGs" of the fixed-gear scene (meaning the people who have been riding track bikes since waaay back in 2005) are still cool.

I know what else you're thinking: "Aren't the people now trying to save track bikes the ones who ruined them in the first place by putting Hed 3s on their keirin bikes after watching MASH?" Absolutely not. In the fixed-gear universe, these are the very people who invented track bikes. See, track bikes were invented in or around 2005, and the scene reached its apex in early 2009, at which point it was promptly closed. It's vitally important that the new generation of fixed-gear freestylers regards them as the pioneers they are instead of dismissing them as the creepy old guys at the party which is what they look like now.

But the most important part of becoming a "Save The Track Bike!" activist is projection. Of course nobody had heard of cyclocross a few years ago. And who would have thought to ride something as uncool as a mountain bike? Those are the things in Costco! Also, these strange forms of cycling are the dingoes that might take your baby away: "Don't forget that before Cyclocross was ever cool Track Bikes introduced you and many others to this wonderful thing called cycling." You might have thought that cyclocross video was funny, but to "Save The Track Bike!" activists it was deadly serious. Just imagine the horror an "OG" fixed-gear rider would feel when "hitting up" his friends for a ride and finding out they've all gone to a cyclocross race without him.

Indeed, there was a time when it might take decades for someone to transform from a new cyclist to a Rivendell-riding fuddy-duddy, but now the process only takes about five years. So please, help "Save The Track Bike!," and do your part to make sure the trendy are not killed off by the very trendy.

With that out of the way, I'm now pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's wonderful and I'm very happy for you, and if you're wrong you'll see Shobhit Mathur Cycling Fervor.

Thanks for reading, ride safe, and remember: When you sell your track bike, Lob kills a "hipster."


1) The world of bike dorkdom was recently rocked by:

--"Richard Sachsgate"
--Bike-themed "hipster"-hop act Geekhouse of Pain

2) A proposed bike safety legislation package in Idaho will include:

3) According to "GQ," what is one of the "most salient" reasons "riding a bike is better than travel by foot or automobile"?

4) This bike is a:

(If you have to ask...)

5) Obsessing over tubular tire care and maintenance and writing letters to Lennard Zinn is a sign that:

--You worry too much
--You should probably just use clinchers
--You may be in the later stages of syphilis
--All of the above

6) Which NAHBS trend might inspire "fixie" riders to embrace bikes with multiple gears?

7) "Hipster" homemaking tip: Liven up your kitchen with some __________:

***Special Compromising Position-Themed Bonus Question***

What's this guy doing?


SD friend said...

too easy

ervgopwr said...


ervgopwr said...

Round out podium!

ervgopwr said...

It's a San Diego Sweep! Ok Back to quiz.

mikeweb said...

top 10 hot dog

Daddo said...


Bailey said...

Top 10! First time!

samh said...

I was here, and it was awesome.

Anonymous said...

Top ten again!

Anonymous said...


Perry said...

Mother of God, top 10?

Perry said...


Disgruntl Ed. said...

I tried once tired veganism?

rezado said...

This week flew by.

SD friend said...

let me guess:


"i once tried..."
with a typo, so:

"i once tired"

changed your mind to:
"once i tried"

but forgot to delete the "tired"

"i tried once tired veganism"

or is veganism tired?

Anonymous said...

bsnyc, phd

ervgopwr said...

Great kwiz as always.

I save my track bike for riding on the track, moutainbike on the trails, road bike...yada yada yada... and cycloclross bike through Mongolia...

All as Lob intended. Pinchers be with you.

shoegazer said...

come in alone

mikeweb said...

wow, only 3 right.

BUT, with top 10 finishes all week I think I can claim the top of the GC for the week Suckas!!!

Unless SD friend took the ITT, that is...

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Flying panties or no, $300 for that Dutch bike sounds good. I'd try once try it once, at least.

streepo said...

I tried a tired vegan once.

ant1 said...


ant1 said...

snobby - "I tried once tried"

G Beck said...

"This is just a little reminder of where everyone came from. A much simpler time, one more about community. A time when people relied on each other..."

My kind of people yo!

Unknown said...

We're having a baby!
RTMS, would you be our snobstetrician?
Potential baby names:

If it's a boy:
1) TIG (yes, all caps)
2) Tarck

If it's a girl:
1) Canti
2) Fribé (her mother is french)

If it's either/or:
1) Epo
2) Brazon (mis-spelling intentional)

Yes, new parents are obnoxious and I won't let it happen again.

mikeweb said...

Fronm the GQ bit:

"This concept ride from Icarus, named the Leviathan, is one of the sharpest I've seen lately. The powder blue paint job is nostalgic, but those tetra-spoked carbon tires keep it from getting too hipster-y. It was custom-made by Ian Sutton out of his shop in Somerville, Massachusetts, and while I can't say that I have hopped on any of Sutton's creations myself, it's one of the first things I'll be doing the next time I find my way to Beantown."

It looks like GC finally fired their fact checker. Or else outsourced it to Dumbassland.

YATE said...

I will agree that everyone loves one-inch buttons. There will be new buttons, though, in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Maybe they'll be 1.5 inch, or perhaps they will wander from the black/white colour scheme. Then what???

I eagerly await the "Save the 'Save the Track Bike' one-inch buttons" campaign.

TJ Eckleburg said...

Man, Martha Stewart is always holding some long, cock shaped object...

boxcar willy said...

if we save the track bikes what will become of the wee turtles? who's going to save the wee turtles!

Dylan Jones said...

My biek is an accessory.


Disgruntl Ed. said...

Does the "right bike" make you look cool by contrast because the bike itself is so uncommonly ugly? Or is there something cool about a bike whose name suggests it will plunge you into the sea where you will be eaten by a sea monster?

George Not Hincapie said...




mikeweb said...

Disgruntl Ed,

I just had to go through the process of signing up so that GQ would grant me the priveledge of commenting on their articles so that I could opine on the "Great Fish" and the writer of the piece.

ant1 said...

nice work mikeweb

ant1 said...

in case anyone is interested, here's a nice set of pics from the 1993 tour.

mikeweb said...

Thanks ant1 - and nice pics!

hillbilly said...

time to start racing

Salted for the Righteous said...

May those who curse days curse that day, those who are ready to rouse Leviathan!

Anonymous said...

you won this time.


The Real Ralph Macchio said...


Video ads suck. Stop accepting their monies, I can't read while watching Karate Kid trailers.

Ralph Macchio

sufferist said...

Nailed the bonus question, others not so much

3G said...

I just love the word Tarck. When it's paired with Biek, it's like the lobster god looked down from his conch shaped cloud and touched the world with his claws...albeit inappropriately.


Lawrence of the Labia said...






d. fofonov said...

I am not meaning to set off an international incident, but Americanyitzi are to be such fucking idiots.

When I am looking at a bicycle, I am looking at a money-making tool or a source of pleasure, much like a potato peeler or a penis.

Worshiping the damn items is what a Tatar is doing. Just replace the bicycle with a goat and you are knowing what I am saying.

Jump Tarck said... rode a Track Bike because that is all there was...

this would explain the fixies with training wheels phenomenon a few years back.

Jefe said...

The Friday quiz should be limited to one sodomy joke per week. Stewart's handling the eight-foot hot dog, and the man submitting to a derailluer, appeal to the same purient interest. How about a picture of a geekhouse bike? Now that would be hilarious.

Ronsonic said...

I am now officially giving up on the Firday Fun Quizzes. It is not possible to sufficiently anticipate the weirdness of biek culture in the 21st Century.

"Stately Dutch MILF Magnet" I got.

Tubular obsession, yep, called that one right.

"With the right bike, you just look cool." Another piece of cake.

Speaking of cake, WTF, over? Shifter cozies? Who'da thunk?

This whole scene is is just beyond my capacities. Cycling has moved from the fringe of anorexic, drugged up EuroWeenies who marry super-models, who are the ones to open the pickle jar in the household, if you know what I mean - to the domain of anorexic, drugged up, girl pants wearing weenies who think pickles are cruelty to cucumbers.

edom bin necker said...

yeah me too

just fuck em

TheTye said...

I am also starting a "Save our Cozies" campaign. Back in the day, they were used in a more traditional way... like on hands or beercans.

ringcycles said...

Uh oh, do I hear sirens? Why did I ride the cougar trapping dutch bike today? So screwed....

cheva said...

all too strange.

Mark McGwire said...

Based in this article, I have decided to no longer hunt track bikes. I will, however, continued to club baby seals in order to harvest their "viscera cozies".

Anonymous said...

The cozies link led me to the bike at the link below, which is not only gold plated, but whose seat tube and fork are inspired by an anorexic supermodel.

Dennis Hopper said...

Martha knows her way around a nice long wiener.

CommieCanuck said...

Cycling has moved from the fringe of anorexic, drugged up EuroWeenies who marry super-models, who are the ones to open the pickle jar in the household, if you know what I mean - to the domain of anorexic, drugged up, girl pants wearing weenies who think pickles are cruelty to cucumbers.

My helper hipster monkey, Julien, opens all the pickle jars in this household.

Your post is offensive to eggplants.

Martha said...

Oh, Dennis!

grog said...

yes, that GQ item is fugly.

Asshammer Jackson said...

A baby seal once walked into a club.

Salty and Sore said...


One does not 'try' veganism.

It's like penetration. You either did it, or you passed out, while fantasizing.

Pontius Pilate said...



ant1 said...

i think one tries to become a vegan, and usually fails.

CommieCanuck said...

I thought Vegans were just people from Las Vegas. I once tried Las Vegas, unsuccessfully.

Anonymous said...

What the funk is CMX?
BMX for Crossdressers?
Oh deary, deary me...
I'm getting old
And drunk

innerlighter said...

I know Martha knows Good Head and all but, oy, that's a bit much!

And, a special note to designers of concept beiks everywhere...
...if, by omitting a perfectly good and well thought out part of a timeless design (like, oh, a seat tube) you have to then reinforce the hell out of it, then maybe you should have switched your major to English or Medieval Philosophy or some such thing where the only damage you'd do would be spouting off ad nauseam some verbal masturbation or another at your local trendy coffee house.

...oh, sorry. What I meant to say was...


Stupid Name. said...

That guy is a marketing genius. Sick, perverted, but a genius.

"As for your second question, scrape off the larger hunks of glue with a screwdriver."

What???? screwdriver, are you completely insane, zinn must be terminated, before he tells people to use solvent to clean their crabon frames.

Anonymous said...


Unknown said...

"...before Cyclocross was ever cool..."
Ummm, is that some point in the future or something?
Cyclocross has NEVER been cool.

leroy said...

In Williamsburg did Hipster Dude
A stately Dutch MILF magnet decree:
Where East, the sacred river, ran
Neath bike lanes measureless to man
Renamed as the Big Skank-kee.

Ride safe all!

(Nice pics Ant1 -- thanks!)

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to figure out how fixie riders introduced me to cyclocross. Hmmm. Nope,I'm pretty sure it was my friend Jon.
(BTW, thanks Jon).

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to figure out how fixie riders introduced me to cyclocross. Hmmm. Nope,I'm pretty sure it was my friend Jon.
(BTW, thanks Jon).

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know where they are showing Paris-Nice in NYC this weekend?

The Disappearing Middle Class said...

"This is just a little reminder of where everyone came from... A time when you didn't have a rode a Track Bike because that is all there was."

uhh, I started out on a 20" banana seat girl's bike. Did you grow up in a hipster household/neighborhood? Gee.

Anonymous said...

There's a lesson here for everyone. I'm not entirely sure what. Maybe: They should have done more interval training?

PeteInAz. said...


What's wrong with mountain bikes?


luck e. seven said...

To Foff or not to Foff, that is the question.

Fuck the track bikes.


Anonymous said...

yep, you've pretty much run your course with this. time to think about your next move, if you have one or haven't already. Really...if you have to depend on something like a "fake craigs list ad to make this blog worth reading then it's about time to wrap things up.

cyclotourist said...


Anonymous said...

Okay, mikeweb, I got top ten twice this week. 3rd step, maybe?

And Luck E. there is no question. Foff.

wishiwasmerckx said...

So, Velonews reports on the Tour of New York coming up later this year in Rochester. Will BSNYC's book have "dropped" by then, and if so, will he have shed his anonimity in connection with the book tour and press junkets? If so, we should have an ingathering of the comment board and the Snob and do some six days of racing with and against each other in historical, scenic, beautiful and sunny Rochester.

Odile Lee said...

I had a cozie, once. I gave it to my cycle boyfriend.He keeps his tea bags in it.

I once was a vegan too, but took the pick up truck back to the Sagittarius system for a tune up and stayed.
If veganism is your thing,just get some implanted baleen and take up swimming. Spirulina is expensive now a days.

Odile Lee said...

Methinks that the REAL vegans hate me. I was discovered to have a allergy to soy, egg whites ,most beans, yeast, sugar and all grains. Had incorporate egg yolks, honey and dairy into diet or starve( literally, not enough protein, esp after long rides) on nothing but fruit, veg, potatoes, quinoa.

So that makes me the enemy. And people wonder why most people think veggietarians are wierdos.

Odile Lee said...

My first bike was dads. It was made for a 6 foot man, covered with rust. I had to shift from side to side, to pedal it, over the top tube as I was too small for the saddle. If I sat on the saddle, feet did not reach cranks. And it had a power thingo that made the light work, if you rode about .5 km per hour. Track bike? Whats a track bike?

總共多少 said...


Unknown said...

Please start the comments from #11 from now on.

Anonymous said...

"It was made for a 6 foot man, covered with rust."
Could it be driven if he was not covered with rust?
engrish is a funny language.

Cole said...

The track bike does need saving - from rich kids who buy up killer frames and break them in half in a skate park somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Why do vegetarians always feel the need to tell everyone else that they are vegetarian? When you meet one, it is only a matter of minutes until they inform you. Do they really think I care what they eat?

Dr. Makim ben'Dover said...

Are you glad to see me or is that just your 20" banana seat?

Vegie-fixie said...

Anon 6:55
Puttin on skinnys, having butter free waffles and fruit 4 bfast b 4 I hed out 4 tricks on my trac biek, just hoping the fork holds up.

Anonymous said...

That Icarus concept bike is the stupidest thing ever. People deserve the bikes they ride.
BTW, what's CMX?

sufferist said...

200th! yo!

sufferist said...

Please pay attention to the links that Anon 2:52am - Anon 4:20am has posted. I somehow think they hold the key to the Illobsterati.

Jefe said...

Anonymous 2:52 a.m. to 4:20 a.m. makes a good point.

Anonymous said...

Douche Swoosh

Patrick Larson said...

Funny, an ad for showed up on the right-hand side of your web site.:-)

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lol said...

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lol said...

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Michael said...

If you watch enough fix trick videos you understand they're just bike bmx bikes with mtn tires.

i want to ride track just to ride track. and no one will tell me there's harm in that if its on a velodrome or not.

if you've never ridden cyclcross, get a bike and get in a race. then talk to me. bitch.

Michael said...

i meant big* bmx bikes.

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It's a big WOW! You're fans are coming and create some memorabilia for them like lanyards . They will surely love it!

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