Monday, March 15, 2010

Aftermath: The Calm After the Storm

Here in New York this past weekend, we were visited by a severe storm that caused trees to fall, power to fail, and rumpus rooms to flood throughout the area. While some actually chose to race bicycles in these conditions (venturing into a deadly storm in order to take part in a criterium may be a sign you are desperately avoiding some greater truth), I interpret such weather events as signs from the mighty Lobster God (succulent be He) that I should remain indoors and "tend to my own garden," as Voltaire might have put it. No, garden-tending is not a euphemism for onanism or the trimming of the auxiliary hairs; rather, it is a metaphor for not only attending to one's household and domestic affairs but also taking inventory of oneself. For example, an afternoon of tending to your own garden might involve cleaning out the refrigerator crisper, meditating on ways to become a better person, and then making a delicious sandwich, and I'm pleased to report I successfully completed two of those three tasks.

By yesterday though, the worst of the storm was over, and I ventured out to survey the damage. At this time of year, the world often seems simultaneously haggard and invigorated after a nor'easter--kind of like an amorous couple after a vigorous mutual garden-tending session. Even though debris was scattered all over the streets, the first buds of spring were also in evidence. So too were the first Republics of spring, a sign surer than any that winter's vicious figure four leglock has been broken:

Last week's fair weather brought out many a NĂ¼-Fred who had not turned a pair of double straps in irony since last November (not to mention the traditional Freds and the Cat 4s freshly detached from their CompuTrainers), but once the Republics come out you know the season has really begun. Republics are like white people in "ethnic" restaurants in that the more of them you see the milder things probably are, so if you don't like your weather too "spicy" then wait until you see plenty of Urban Outfitters bikes. This one's so vernal that it's even got a seasonally-appropriate verdant "colorway."

Besides strange Republics there were also tourists from strange republics. Many of these tourists ventured out onto the Brooklyn Bridge where they proceeded to gaze at the mist-enshrouded skyline, gawk at traffic helicopters as though they'd never before seen machines that can fly, and of course stand right in the middle of the bike lane:

There are some cyclists who will shout wildly at tourists standing in the Brooklyn Bridge bike lane. (Usually they're the same sorts of cyclists who are partial to DayGlo windbreakers, helmet mirrors, and hybrid bicycles--and yes, they look even funnier when they're angry.) I am not one of these cyclists, for while I do look funny I also think it's foolish to expect people not to wander about in a daze when they're standing on one of the greatest engineering feats of the modern era and beholding one of the most spectacular cityscapes in the entire world. Do the Parisians try to thwack you in the back of the head with a baguette while you're staring at the Eiffel Tower? Well, they probably do, but that doesn't mean we should shout at people for enjoying the view on the Brooklyn Bridge.

By the way, I should say that I don't know for sure that the people in the above picture are from a strange Republic. For all I know, they may be American tourists, or even inconsiderate locals. The only way you know for sure that someone is visiting from overseas is when he or she is wearing shoes like these:

Yes, the "international community" seems to love the velcro sneaker-sock, and they will evidently don these useless slipper-like things to go sightseeing even when the standing water is ankle-deep. Speaking of the "international community," it is often critical of the United States for its disproportionate oil consumption. However, the truth is many Americans are trying to mitigate this by riding bicycles, only it's very difficult for them to do so when you come here and stand around in the bike lanes. This is sort of like telling a starving nation they should be more careful with their food supply and then flicking lit cigarettes into their grain stores.

Eventually, I made my way into Brooklyn's Prospect Park, where a fallen tree reaffirmed for me that I had made the right choice by hunkering down indoors:

The tree also provided a perfect photo opportunity for a family of "fakerjacks," who will no doubt go around telling people that they felled the thing themselves.

Besides the fallen tree, there was also a pond where there isn't usually a pond, and word of the new "spot" had evidently spread throughout the duck scene because a bunch of them had descended upon it and were in the midst of a sick balls-out ducking "session:"

If you want to know what a ducking session involves, it's a lot like a fixed-gear freestyle session in that it's mostly a bunch of posturing punctuated by the occasional nose wheelie. However, as you can see above, the big difference is that unlike the fixed-gear freestylers most of the ducks have girlfriends. (Also, nowhere did I see a mallard with a video camera, though it must happen because I have seen ducking session "edits.")

I will admit that ever since my hawk encounter awhile back I've become a bit of an amateur birdwatcher, by which I mean I will occasionally look at birds when they enter my field of vision. Newly awakened to the beauty of the avian world, I tarried for awhile and regarded the the ducks--and I can say with confidence that they are ducks, for as an amateur birdwatcher I can now positively identify a number of bird species. Among those I can now readily spot are hawks:

(Actually, thanks to my hawk sighting I can now spot pigeons too. They're usually found dead under hawks.)

Chickens:

(Chickens are often seen traveling in bags.)

Ostriches:

(Those are the weird birds with the long necks--evidently they are also quite comfy for sitting.)

And, of course, ducks, seen here practicing their trackstands:

After learning all that I could from watching the ducks (it turns out their asses really are watertight) and now looking forward to Classics season, I finally bid them adieu. (Click here to hear "adieu" in Duckese.) By the way, speaking of taking an interest in the natural world, while I'm not sure birdwatching will the Next Big Thing I do think that beekeeping is going to be the next fixed-gear. In fact, it's following exactly the same trajectory as the fixed-gear trend--it's slightly obscure, it has an element of danger, and now it has that all-important catalyst, a trend piece in the New York Times:

Notice this reckless new breed of urban apiarist doesn't even wear a beekeeping suit, which I suppose is the equivalent of riding brakeless. (It's "totally zen, like being one with the bee.") Frankly, I'm not sure how I feel about this trend, or about the city legalizing beekeeping. Sharing the streets with people who can't handle their brakeless bikes was bad enough, but living next-door to a clueless amateur beekeeper could be disastrous. Honey-tasting parties will be the new alleycat. Plus, just as the fixed-gear thing became a big social scene and moved to stunting, we're eventually going to start seeing trick beekeeping "sessions" in the park. Sure, it all seems far-fetched now, but check out the sorts of people who are keeping bees. There's the trust fund "hipster:"

The weekend warrior "fakiarist;"

And the smug guy who somehow discovered bees while campaigning for Obama (which we've also seen in the world of fixies):

Things are going to get really ugly when beekeeping moves into it's "tarck" phase. Worst of all, what's the hive equivalent of this?

(eBay auction, forwarded by a reader)

I don't know, but I'm afraid to find out.

104 comments:

Nogocyclist said...

Pulling up to the finish line Nonplussed.

Unknown said...

Excellent post today, Snob. I really enjoyed reading it.

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

first time in at the wire

reuben said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

eh?

Born said...

top ten!

Jase said...

top ten! Thomas the think engine

Born said...

now its time to read the article

Anonymous said...

Top Ten for Jaeger?

Anonymous said...

oh shit. i ride around city on a hybrid and sometimes yell at peds on the brooklyn bridge! finally found my place on bikesnobnyc

ringcycles said...

Ides!; et tu, snobus

Mike Smith said...

?

Lawrence of the Labia said...

TREE FALL

MIST GAZE

LOVE SOCK

DUCK SPOT

CITY BEES

Disgruntl Ed. said...

The only you know for sure that someone is visiting from overseas is...

Way!

Fine post today.

streepo said...

Crap! I would have been higher but I am busy as a ___?

Anonymous said...

AYHSMH

Top 20 on my birfday!

Nogocyclist said...

Snobbie,

Bees and cycling do go hand in hand. Or is that bee and mouth. I can remember riding hard with my mouth opened and tasting a bee.

Come to think of it, that would be fun to watch on YouTube. Any hipsters want to volunteer?

CommieCanuck said...

That was the great storm of '10, but surprisingly, local news did not have hourly death count updates, or 3D computer graphics that exploded.

Current death count stands at 0.

Despite this, we are all anticipating tomorrow, where temps are expected to hit 14C (that's 236 degrees gesundheit for our southern neighbours). I've already spotted the first fixie of the season, without breaks, which makes no sense in a town with 8-10% grades to get anywhere. You can see sweat through tightie jeans, and it's not pretty. I pass those guys screaming "Shimano!", which they think is Japanese for "on yer right". Ah so (oles).

Alicia said...

I just did some bird watching and cycling this past weekend! Is it the season or it is the Big Next Thing? Weird.
http://cyclingwithoutahelmet.blogspot.com/2010/03/bird-identification.html

CommieCanuck said...

Top 20 on my birfday

And you are finally old enough to drink! The one day where birfday and barfday are synonymous.

Neil said...

I discovered a book on beekeeping in my family library once, but I never got as far as setting up my own apiary...ah, what might have been....

Nogocyclist said...

I changed my mind. Hipster getting stung by a bee might lead to more videos like this one.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Born said...

Kathleen Boyer suspects the mailman.

She said she could not think of anyone else in her neighborhood who would have complained about the two beehives she kept under a pine tree in her front yard in Flatbush, Brooklyn, leading the city’s health department to fine her $2,000 last fall.

“I was kind of surprised,”

Right...

Snob, I am pleased to inform you that bee hiving has already descending into the world of session still "edits".
Observe: http://www.glenn-apiaries.com/Images/suki_beekeeping.gif
Total noob fankenhiver. Look at those jeans and uncovered hands!

Anonymous said...

Beekeepers? Oh, Lobster Deity, no!

Sylvia Plath's father was a beekeeper. Thirty years from now, we will be inundated with craptacular free verse from today's Park Slope toddlers, all bowing to Lady Ariel and the hive mind. And Onan, of course.

Ah, the best of all possible worlds...

ant1 said...

happy birfday Frilly!

Jefe said...

The proper analogy to brakeless fixies would be the "Africanized" (yeah, blame the foriegners) killer bees of a decade or so ago. Unlike the deadly hipsters, they never made it very far north. Plus, I think the bees' black and yellow colorway is far superior to anything seen on a tricked out Bianchi.

gregoryyy said...

Good God.

A Bavarian Designer,Corporate Lawyer and a Politcal Fluffer???.Looks like the new edit from Specialized/Whole Foods.

mikeweb said...

Happy birfrilly day!

It was a great weekend for wheelbrows. Perhaps of even Andy Rooney-esque epic proportions.

ervgopwr said...

BIRD WACH

ALLD ATME

DUCK HAWK

CHKN RSTR

Anonymous said...

tl;dr

Anonymous said...

Are the handlebars on backwards because a fixie can be ridden backwards?

Anonymous said...

where does Adam find the time, a corporate lawyer, a triathlete and an amatuer beekeeper? I can imagine that the line "I keep bees as a hobby" is a real girl-grabber.

Klaus Mohn said...

So... first, you talk about one of my regular bike lanes in Paris, the gawking-obliviously-at-the-Eiffel-Tower lane on the avenue du Président-Kennedy (true street name) (also for the record, I don't hit people with baguettes, I ram into them).
And then you SMEAR all foreigners with that ridiculous sneaker... snob, everybody knows the best way to spot an American (nonhipster) tourist is the white sneakers.

And then you just post a picture of my old friend Dave G.? What? It's like I'm 2 days early for the Wednesday weed.

Karo From Now On said...

Oh Jesus. That's not a parody website? Another perfectly nice thing tainted [obvious joke here] by a bunch of self absorbed people. Sigh.

Peter is a world-renowned cardiac surgeon who commutes twice weekly between Athens, Greece and Flatbush where he maintains a modest but tastfully furnished loft. He eats only organic produce airlifted from New Zealand and spares no effort to minimize his carbon footprint for the good of the environment. Apart from beekeeping, he is a three-star Michelin chef, gorgeous spokesmodel and a licensed electrician in the state of New Jersey. He spends his spare time abroad educating drought and famine victims about the health benefits of mineral water and biodynamic wine production.

Eric said...

I laughed until I wheezed! I guess I was not a good racer because I wouldn't race Grant's Tomb in a Nor'easter or turn my Look carbon Keo pedals with anything more than Irony.

Further, I will be nicer to those daydreaming tourists on B'Klyn Bridge. I guess there's no point.

Anonymous said...

sorry to break it to you there pierre, but euros do have a widespread propensity to wear those funny bowling slipper things. WTF

ant1 said...

the only thing baguettes should hit is the spot, when liberally coated in nutella.

Anonymous Coward said...

Snob, the focusway on your photos has such an artistic flair to it. Monet would be proud.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Watered the chamois on "honey-tasting parties will be the new alleycat."

CommieCanuck said...

sorry to break it to you there pierre, but euros do have a widespread propensity to wear those funny bowling slipper things. WTF

Dear Anon, you realize you are making a fashion criticism while residing in the US, the home of "Fathletes" those guys who wear athletic team clothing, yet have obviously never picked up a ball or stick of any kind. Current fashion is basketball shoes either unlaced, or untied. At least the bowling slippers can work for running or bowling, while the US fathletic fashion seems optimized for ham sandwich eating and Xbox.

d. fofonov said...

I am winning Paris-Niece if not for the fucking mothers.

Surly Bastard said...

"...turn double straps in irony ..."

Man, that's beautiful writing.

3G said...

AYHSMB

All You Haters Suck My Beesting....cuz I'm really allergic.

tri-ac said...

Dear Anon, you realize you are making a fashion criticism while residing in the US, the home of "Fathletes" those guys who wear athletic team clothing, yet have obviously never picked up a ball or stick of any kind.

much like KFC, this too has popped up in europe and has become quite popular...tho i'll readily admit the US kicked it all off

and BSNYC, your friends in the ever-excitable world of design are avid athletic slipper wearers

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mikeweb & Antoine. And for the record CC, barfday was yesterday, recovering from pre-birthday pre-St Pat's celebration.

HUNG OVER

Anonymous said...

back of the pack! just like a prospect park race!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

Rumpus in Extremis.

-P.P.

Billy Reid said...

"mostly a bunch of posturing punctuated by the occasional nose wheelief"

classic! Great post.

db said...

Worst of all, what's the hive equivalent of this?

When someone in Jersey inadvertently creates a cold-tolerant Africanized bee.

Shaun said...

Ostriches are the new fixie. You might as well begin the transition/metamorphosis into the OSNYC. In the meantime I'll ready the AYHSMB ostrich.

ringcycles said...

Does this mean that the new bike polo will be ostrich races? Will the next wave of hipsters get to wear black eyeliner and call themselves Emo Emu Riders? I just want to keep up with the trends.

rezado said...

I like my chicken in a bucket

Anonymous said...

http://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/20100219/ARTICLES/100219315
Levi Leipheimer's dog has gone 'missing' but is suspected to have been taken by an owl.

secret antmirer said...

I would be happy to liberally coat ant1 in Nutella any time.

Anonymous said...

You neglected to add the nu-peasant hipster:

Megan, a Baltimore native , spent her summers as a child on her family's 450 acre farm near Lynchburg, Virginia, where she cultivated an active interest in vegetable gardening. While Megan is ecstatic about her Greenpoint rooftop honeybee hive and especially loves honey, her interest in apiculture stems from her desire to maximize the amount of food she can produce in her 700 square foot Brooklyn backyard. She is currently building a chicken coop with her landlord.

Anonymous said...

The track standing duck was the funniest thing ever

CommieCanuck said...

Why ostriches are cool:

1. No breaks
2. They ride well in critical mass, being herd animals.
3. They can be dyed any color.
4. They can be u-locked to a parking meter
5. Fixed gear
6. You can do awesome stunts on them.
7. They are big Roadrunners,genus and species hipsterus velocitus, and you can buy accessories from ACME.

Anonymous said...

CC- what about the all important ostrich lifestyle? Where can I buy one?

Mustafa Consumption said...

All you haters suck my ostrich.

E. Massa said...

I can massage you to enhance suppleness.

Anvil said...

Commie Canuck has created the great reactionary fixie cry:

Shimano!

thegock said...

SNOB FUNY

Anonymous said...

i live in park slope and called my landlord to fix the leak in my ceiling this weekend. his reply was a text of his driveway in NJ where a large tree blocked both of his cars...hes still better than the faux mafia landlord i had in greenpoint...

Test Tickle said...

en fuego today, BS. Truly one of the funniest posts yet.

Additionally, I take pride when flyin' the flannel, kind of like a

FAKN JACK

balls.

I am the engine. said...

I say get bikenyc to get the bee keepers in on the whole foods / saffron king thing. Lets watch them make specialty drinks with live bees, and watch Brooklyn implode into nothingness.

What a waste of amino acids.

Anonymous said...

KILR BEES

Anonymous said...

Here is something you can do to improve the cycling world during weather interference:
http://www.youtube.com/profile?edit=1#p/u/3/_dq3z_DybpI

Sarah P said...

"Things are going to get really ugly when beekeeping moves into it's "tarck" phase. Worst of all, what's the hive equivalent of this?"

OMG?

Anonymous said...

Nice snarky puff piece.
-The Smug Guy

jolene said...

i got stung by a bee in the behind once and red ust it as an escuse to suck the damn poisern out and kiss my ass boy howdy
i done went to the city the ether day in saw this new movie calt Preschious and i think yall need to get better schools in new yark or something if yer lettin shit like that happen all the time with the aids and having retarded babies when yer 12 with yer father

kinda remined me of my childhood a liltle bit but for there werent no trucks or wrangler butts

Anonymous said...

Adam is fingerbanging the bee!

Anonymous said...

...do i need to quote some marx, adorno, and even elizabeth currid. i suppose providing laughter to people is a noble talent, bike snob. but providing blind commentary on something that actually can make positive change is slightly less than noble. though, it's more fun being a snob right? your wry vision is no better than the "hipster's." safe riding.

Anonymous said...

Walking through Williamsburg this evening what should I see but some hipster riding a fixed with handlebars backwards just like in the last photo! I just started laughing. Clearly, you're onto the next big thing.

Jack Shit said...

Uh oh Bike Snob. Looks like you've upset the puritans (re: anon 9:08).

Lawrence of the Labia said...

Only God Can Judge Bees!

Anonymous said...

ha ha! re: puritans. did your second head say that? the one that grows from your elbow. fixies are annoying, sure. so are those scarves every middle school mall rat started to wear. and nike sb's. and electronic music with high hats that kill your ears. and those people who started witty blogs. and "urban gardens." and bamboo bikes... and... yeah yeah. gawk gawk gawk.

Anonymous said...

re: walking through williamsburg seeing a backwards handle.

yeah that's hilarious indeed. by the way, you don't happen to be an orthodox jew or a dominican? are you? i suppose polish could get you off the hook, here.

red neckerson said...

damm jolene you is enuff to keep me from staying mooslim

i dont need no virgineans when you is around

if only i can get that faggot rikim to stop playing all that cat stevens shit

ken e. said...

happy belated there frilly!
(too grumpy to post earlier)

DUCK STRM
EFTR KLNG
RVON ETTE

Anonymous said...

I love you BikeSnob and I want to have your baybeez

Test Tickle said...

anon 9:08,

you are fighting a losing battle here, and if you would have posted earlier, you would surely be cast from the cave of comments already. save it for your significant other or someone who really cares. lighten up, it's entertainment. as in, ha ha.

balls.

leroy said...

Happy birthday Frilly!

leroy said...

I haven't celebrated my birthday since I was told my birthday suit needed ironing.

Anon 9:08 -- you've been a beautiful audience. I'm here til Thursday. Try the veal.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Leroy & ken e.! Hugs!

Bearded Rivendell Owner w/Helmet Mirror said...

Anon. 9:08, learn to laugh at yourself now and then. You will likely find it amazingly liberating.

Anonymous said...

apiaries are hipster gran fondos

Anonymous said...

since i do not have a lady...beekeeping gives me a good opportunity to put on my leather gimp suit a few times a week

never thought about fingerbanging a duck

Philip Williamson said...

That last tarck bike in bee terms is "American Foulbrood."

Anonymous said...

http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/16/envelope2014/?hp

Alberto is applying to college
check out the pics

Anonymous said...

"Honey-tasting parties will be the new alleycat."

Shouldn't that read "Honey-cupping...

I am the engine. said...

"but providing blind commentary on something that actually can make positive change is slightly less than noble."

I do not get it, what is anon talking about, downed trees, bees, handlebars, ducks?
What in that post could be interpreted as positive change.

I think you hurt the ducks feelings.

Uptight White Guy said...

Saving the world one angry message at a time.

Broken nads said...

Holy teabags Batman!! I cannot imagine the damage that would be done to my nads if I hit a NY pothole on that tarck biek!! I have a frigging toothache just thinking about it ... no wonder that Ramshead's for sale!!

AYHSMS

all u haters straighten my saddle.

Nacho said...

Anon 9:08

maybe loosen up those skinny jeans a little and breathe, remember the imortal line from Natcho Libre:

"Chancho. When you are a man, son-tines you wear streachy pants in your room, is for fun."

NĂ¼-Fred said...

Podium!

CK said...

CENTURY!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Century Bitches!!

Anonymous said...

Dammit CK ! the drugs are not working!

cng cylinder said...

It is a excellent post. The clam after the storm is a good story to introduce here. thanks for the post.This story have a pulling up a finish line.

Adam Johnson said...

Weekend warrior fakiarist's time in the 2010 Tour of the Battenkill: 3:23:57

Bike Snob's time: 3:25:31

Better luck with your book tour :)

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