Monday, February 22, 2010

Wild Kingdom: The Primal Nature of Cycling

If you're reading this right now, I'm willing to bet you're a human being. (If you're licking this blog instead of reading it, you're probably a cat or dog or other common house pet.) Assuming I'm right and you're not a hyper-intelligent terrier, you should go ahead and give yourself a hearty congratulations for being a member of the human race. Our accomplishments are many, and the length of the Dachshund of Time is riddled with the swollen ticks of our accomplishments. Just a few awesome things humankind has "dropped" over the centuries include:

'Da Wheel:

'Da Catapult:

'Da Cotton Gin:

(I don't know what one is but in social studies I learned Eli Whitney invented it.)

Shrimp Cocktail:

And, of course, culturally insensitive ice dancing:

As amazing and indispensable as all these things are though (especially the ice dancing, arguably the pinnacle of human achievement), it's important that we maintain some perspective. Sure, we're amazing, but we can't ice skate around acting like we're Lobster's gift to the planet Earth. We may be able to launch our shrimp cocktails for miles thanks to our mighty catapults, but underneath our aboriginal bodysuits we're simply animals like any other. Who are we to say we're better or more important than the proud puma, the crafty lemur, or the wily phosphorescent jellyfish? What if animal husbandry only seems like our idea, but in reality it is the animals who are husbanding us, and one day our cows and chickens will seize our cotton gins and turn them against us?

The truth is our skyscrapers and bridges are only so many beehives and beaver dams. If you need proof of this, look no further than the world of cycling. To ride through the park on an unseasonably warm day is to visit a zoo in which the various cycling breeds display themselves in uncomfortable proximity to each other. Roadies whizz by like gazelles; frustrated mountain bikers hunch over their riser bars like pensive gorillas as their knobbies thrum away on the pavement; and that group of guys who don't ride and hang out by the benches all day with their Colnagos and Mercatone Uno jerseys preen like peacocks, their unworn Vittorias as yellow as the day they bought them back in 1998.

Consider also the world of professional cycling. What is more naturalistic than a bike race, in which a group of riders compete in sperm-like fashion to be the first to reach the ovum of victory? The most potent of these riders is the one who can continue to perform day after day, and remain fertile after the three-week courtship ritual that is a Grand Tour. Such riders often choose to adorn themselves or their equipment with symbols of their potency, as is the case with Alberto Contador's new saddle, which many readers have alerted me to over the past couple of days:

(Image via PezCycling News)

"There aren't many guys who can pull off a saddle like this," reads the caption, though the manner in which the victories are bursting forth from the tip of the fingerbang like male issue is more evocative of "pulling out" than of "pulling off." This saddle is a bold message to the rest of the peloton. It says, "I am the dominant male, and if you refuse to acknowledge this I will assert my dominance by administering a palmarès 'facial'. Furthermore, my wins and my seed are so abundant that I can squander them in a demonstrative fashion." At the same time, the placement of the tip of the finger in the taintal vicinity provides Contador with additional impetus. And if all that were not enough, his name is also rendered in an approximation of the Prada logo:

But as intimidating and luridly suggestive as this saddle is, it could also indicate a rider on the defensive. If you read Cycling Inquisition or various Internet forums you may have seen Contador wearing this very puzzling t-shirt:

"Help me!," reads the t-shirt. "My girlfriend wishes a menage a trois. ...She, my ass and me. But I don't want to climb on the bed!" Now this is not the shirt of a champion. Again, the meaning of the message is ambiguous, but the most likely explanation is that Contador's girlfriend wants to do something to his ass and he's reluctant to comply. However, a true champion would not cry out for help in this situation. Rather, he would assert total control. "I'll determine who fingerbangs whom and in which orifice!," his shirt should have said. You wouldn't catch Mario Cipollini in a shirt like that. Assuming you actually manage to find him wearing anything at all, it would probably be a message more along these lines:

(Cipo to fan: "Can't say I didn't warn you.")

The best boasts are the ones that also absolve the boaster of any responsibility. (Though I don't think Cipo actually has a choice--he may have to wear that as a condition of his parole.)

Speaking of suggestive messages and fearlessness, some people might be afraid to read an email like this:

However, as a highly occasionally paid cycling blogger I am not one to shirk responsibility. The email was indeed from the so-called "Bike Fag," and it contained a link to the following eBay auction:

And yes, the the seller does claim the frame is made from Reynolds "butt tubing:"
As it happens, I recently read an article in "Rouleur" about Reynolds, but nowhere did it say they made "butt tubing" or really any kind of medical equipment. Still, if you're the winner, you might want to treat the frame with something a bit stronger than frame-saver just in case.

Wondering if any other bicycles were made from "butt tubing," I consulted a popular search engine, which led me directly to a Thai website. I know what you're thinking, but believe it or not the site was entirely bike-related and confirmed the existence of bicycles that were not only made from "butt tubing:"

But also equipped with something called "Boipace:"

At this point you may be tempted to chide me for making gratuitous references to sex acts and the human anatomy, but I maintain that disregarding such things is to deny our true animal nature. Is not such denial at the heart of pretension? Do we not laugh at the "Fixie Crew" because of the absurdity of attempting to make the simple act of grazing seem more meaningful than it actually is? And what is more animalistic than killing another animal and using its hide to adorn your "fixie," as in this Craigslist ad forwarded to me by a reader?

Fixed gear bicycle - black - $300 (Montreal West)
Date: 2010-02-19, 2:34PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Hey! Here is a refurbished bicycle with a peugeot frame (54cm from crank to seat post), and a peugeot center pull front brake. The grips are hand sewn elk hide leather. Seat is an old ADGA leather saddle from another peugeot, probably from 1973-1974 The crankset is shimano, and the rear hub and sprocket are new by iso. The 1/8" yellow chain is new. Gear ratio is 46/18 for a nice versatile ride, easy skids and tall hills. Alexrims DA16 wheelset. Tires in good condition. Bike hasn't been ridden since repainted, and has been fully cleaned and oiled. Included is a handmade stubby wood fender that I made, but you don't necessarily have to have if you want it removed. Same goes for the front brake, if you rather go brakeless.

I guess elk hide is Cork 2.0.


Nogocyclist said...

I got Podium, all because I was riding the perfect Bike

Now all I need to do is add a few accessories.

CONT A DOR said...


Anonymous said...

Let me take you to the Casbah, San Diego. We can procure an epic burrito

K Marx said...

Top ten for the collective!

Dave! said...

All You House Pets Lick My Blog?

Anonymous said...

Bang! Bang! Top ten bitches!

mikeweb said...

The fingerbang graphic on AC's saddle is too far forward.

Anonymous said...

tp tn?

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

top 10... I want the elk leather grips

mikeweb said...

Damn you nogocyclist! That perfect bike picture gave me retina burns that'll last until my ride home later.

Nice job Frilly!

Unknown said...


Anonymous said...

absolute hoot!

Anonymous said...

"...ovum of victory..."

Very nice!

streepo said...

I don't even want to think about the ovum of defeat

Nogocyclist said...


Sorry, I did the second link wrong Adding this accessory makes the bike much better.

Hope this works right

Now all I need to do is add a few accessories.

hillbilly said...

way to go frilly.

those guys by the benches crack me up, i look fwd to the head nod and/or point every lap. and then, when it's nice, going straight from that to the dreaded drum circle is truly running the gauntlet.

mikeweb said...

The bench guys at PP are useful though - one evening I flatted right around there and one of the older ones was nice enough to give me his spare tube AND change it for me. I gave him a dollar, which was all I had.

Anonymous said...

Some saddles are designed by ergonomists.

Was that saddle designed by a urologist?


Nogocyclist said...

Snob, you are wrong about the Mountain Bikers. They did not even get out of bed. Here is the proof.

Caution, do not open this link if you ride mountain bikes, at all. Don't say I did not warn you!

hillbilly said...

is super tall guy on fuji one of them? i used to see him at the coop all the time before i wised up and quit. also was glad to see the return of cervelo with stereo man (as snob noted via twit/tweet/twat/twoot)

Malcolm Sosa said...

You had me at Shrimp Cocktail.

TheTye said...

All you FrameBuilders TIG my Butt Tubing!

ant1 said...


Pontius Pilate said...



mikeweb said...

When I worked for a bicycle shop in the early 90s, a brand of cheap replacement tires they carried were a brand called 'Dai Yung'.

Yup, you guessed it, they were 20" replacement tires for kids bikes.

hillbilly, you mean the food coop in the slope? I was thinking of joining. Sounds like I shouldn't(?)

Nogocyclist aka (You Cotton Picker!) said...

Living in the south, I have been called a cotton picker many times. Because, I am therefore a cotton picker, I believe it is my responsibility to provide the photograph of a cotton gin.

The cotton picker said...

cotton gin

Sorry need practice intering html tags by hand

sufferist said...

Take pride in your humanness today boys (and Frilly) are indeed special!

rezado said...

my house pet will lick anything with peanut butter on it.

Anonymous said...


ouch. thanks for sharing.

hillbilly said...

tough question, sending you an email

Jefe said...

Contador should work on improving his English, or ask, "Que es esto?" before donning embarrassing t-shirts. Soon Vinokourov will have him in a top that says "I am a domestique" written in Kazak.

Anonymous said...

His new saddle should be dubbed the "Taint Tickler"

mikeweb said...

If that's what's on AC's saddle, I hate to see what Vino or Cipo have on theirs.

ant1 said...

that saddle looks like contador is fingerbanging himself, aka masturbanging.


Disgruntl Ed. said...

In fact the shirt says "but it don't want to climb on the bed."

The implication is that his donkey doesn't like either Alberto or his girlfriend in that way and wants no part of their plans. However, your misreading that the ass is willing but Alberto is not is also interesting.

I like the combination of the ESL-like "wishes a menage a trois" with the ungrammatical vernacular "it don't." Perhaps Alberto wrote it himself, just as he commissioned the saddle. Perhaps it's art.

db said...

RE: Contador's saddle.

Reminds me of my last prostate exam...

3G said...


BUTT tubing...I spit my lunch on my screen I laughed so damn hard.

nice work

Anonymous said...

how about the guy on the right of Contador.

What's his deal

TheTye said...

In (reluctant)defence of the "butt tubing" guy, most of that tubing will eventually be "butt welded". And as silly as butt welding sounds, it is a real thing.... and when tubing is sold and there are no threads on the end it is "butt weld ready"

Anonymous Coward said...

I was really hoping when I got to "the proud puma, the crafty lemur, or the wily..." that the next line would read "coyote."

@Disguntl Ed -- "your misreading"??

TheTye said...

Also, one of my favorite things about European flea markets are the wealth of poorly translated English T-shirts... so Albert's is probably on of those.

Anonymous said...

moar chickensuit

Disgruntl Ed. said...

"Your misreading" is indeed what I meant, I think.

edom bin necker said...

the merkins kicked the shit out of them stoopid canadianers

i gots mixt feelings about it since about half of them canadianers is mooslims but the half that is mooslims dont play hockey

one day the mooslims is taking over canader and will kick the shit out of the commies but they is too goddoamm stoopid to figure it out so the canadianers will get there shit kicked out two or three times

then they can gets free colonscopy and get all them palps takin out

BMODe said...

Did we ever learn how Cipo Mcgyver'd his way out of the "Eating Pussy" predicament he found himself in about a few months ago?

Anonymous said...

Holy crap Bikefag's blog is fa-bu-lous!
Shouldn't have linked that...
You better start learning Polari, or you'll find yourself outblogged in 2 weeks, Snobby Boy.

ken e. said...

i live for moving violation drama!

d. fofonov said...

I am one designing clever T shirts for Contador. Something being wrong with my English language?

Maybe I am canceling funny T shirt that is saying "all you Tatars aspirate goat gonads".

Translating much funnier into Russian I am thinking.

Anonymous said...

Even in the aesthetically challenged world of road cycling, that saddle stands out for it's inherent tastelessness.

Anonymous said...

Even in the aesthetically challenged world of road cycling, that saddle stands out for it's inherent tastelessness.

Anonymous said...

I dunno, Nogo, it's awfully bland, needs more color...

Anonymous Coward said...

Sorry Disgruntl Ed, apparently I am also guilty of misreading

Anonymous said...

Thanks guys. Those silly spin classes might actually be paying off.

I'm beginning to think Alberto might be a bit freaky, if you know what I mean. I seem to recall a picture of him in a t-shirt that said "Sexy is Always in Style".

Part of my is intrigued because of his wholesome boyish image, but the other part of me is concerned that he's beginning to look like the tool that hangs around by the dance floor.

Nogocyclist said...

Snob, I love the red Jersey (the yellow Jersey of Le Tour de Homard.)

Now I only need to figure out how to get it from the Ruler of All.
After slobbering all over my notebook's screen, he tried to be "my god."

Not happening!

Anonymous said...

How much for just the handmade, stubby wood fender?

ConArtist said...

Occasionally paid (gasp) How can you be trusted?

Sorry, hate when my dog types.

hillbilly said...

but Frilly, it was the Electric Slide, c'mon, have a heart! And then that damn Achy Breaky line dance!

YATE said...

Montreal. Represent.

Anonymous said...

Hillbilly, those are socially acceptable situations. I'm talking about these stealth fuckers who sidle up to a group of girls dancing. The next thing you know, you turn around and this idiot's all up in your business. I hate that!

Its as embarrassing as seeing AC in that awful shirt. If I was his girlfriend, I would burn that thing immediately.

Lawrence of the Labia said...






Stupid Name said...

The ovum of de feet. Where do I get one of those very troubling t-shirts. Do you think somebody pays him to wear that?

TheTye said...


How boot AL'S FNGR?

Lawrence of the Labia said...



I am the engine said...

I am really hoping that mavic wheel is photo shop gone wrong.

Next year will not be a good one for mavics new linup.

"Some saddles are designed by ergonomists.

Was that saddle designed by a

Remember: It's all about the top tube.
That saddle designed by a proctologist?"

Anonymous said...

I guess AC's procto/prosto saddle should have TWO fingers forward. Always good to get a second opinion..

Badda boom, badda bing...

Anonymous said...

If you'd like to be all up in Frilly's business, raise your hand.

Ah, there we have's unanimous, then.

Unknown said...

All Your Hanukkah Songs, Milton Berle

Anonymous said...

Hey bikesnob i think Nevada's on to you and your Lobster God

Unknown said...

I'm still dumbfounded by the size of Cipo's right hand

Anonymous said...


Houston said...

I wonder if the saddle can take your temperature?

Can't Talk, Pedaling said...

it=ass & ass=donkey, si?

Finger-bang indeed.

leroy said...

The Colnago riders reclining on the benches in Prospect Park demonstrate the resourcefulness of New Yorkers.

New Yorkers didn't invent cheek by jowl living space, but surely the relaxing Colnago crew elegantly establishes that one need not have a front yard in order to shoo kids from one's lawn.

Oh sure, they never actually shoo anyone and actually quite nice. But we lesser cyclists know the pecking order.

They are the cycling equivalent of the cool kids' lunchroom table of one's high school memories.

Those of us who are the cycling equivalent of high school cafeteria cuisine -- bland and pasty -- can only stand in awe.

Odile Lee said...

I love that bike!

Its like a 80s nightmare!! Let me dig out my 7th grade aerobic clothes. I bet they would match:(

Contador is creepy, if you ask me that shirt isnt doing him any favours. He seemed like a arrogant bastard to begin with. That shirt just makes him seem , yes like creepy dancefloor lizards. ewwww

leroy said...

Now that I think of it, I was whipping around Prospect Park on Sunday like a gazelle.

Unfortunately, I was like one of those aging and slow gazelles you see getting culled from the herd in those tasteless snuff films they run on the Nature Channel.

Anonymous said...

"a group of riders compete in sperm-like fashion to be the first to reach the ovum of victory" further the comparison, is that why a group of riders is referred to as a bunch?

hey nonny mouse

CommieCanuck said...

So, true story...
I'm transferring through the Las Vegas airport last week, arriving at the main terminal, and I have to catch my flight at the international terminal.
Vegas is weird. Period. It's like the Van Allen belt of magnetism for losers. People can't even wait for a plane without playing slots, with the odds of losing clearly displayed on the machines.


I ask a security guy where the other terminal is, as there isn't a sign in the entire place. He looks at us, carefully (Homeland Security) and he asks, "are you in peak physical condition?".

We laugh.

He responds, without laughing: "seriously, do you have any major health issues?"

Obviously, seeing someone under 300lbs phased this guy, but we assured him we were not in town for a Karen Carpenter retrospective show. He then tells us that we have to walk outside of the terminal for "quite a stretch in noon sun".

It was 60F and very nice, we had to walk about 200 yards, ...downhill. But the walk was treacherous, as carts hauling gamblers were trying to run us over for our Trotskyist method of bipedal transportation. We made it to the "international" terminal and enjoyed the exotic food from Sbarros called "pizza" (not sure how to pronounce it), while we watched people lose money on the slots until our flight left. We had a nice view of the Vegas strip, where people pay to visit building that are small replicas of real buildings elsewhere. Nothing inspires like a smaller version of the Empire State building.

Thus, I officially do not get Las Vegas.

Anonymous said...

I think Contador's green shirt is incorrectly translated. It was supposed to read "it doesn't" instead of "I don't," thus referring to the biblical ass of which we shouldn't covet.
-not joking

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Uh - it's the 6th NAHBS show

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Man, thats the longest spam post I have ever seen. Congradulations, but I am not going to click on a single one of your links.

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