Naked Intent: What Lies Beneath

Of all the words in the English language, there are seven that you do not want to hear used together under any circumstances. No, I'm not referring to the words, "That wasn't chamois cream, that was mayonnaise." I'm referring to the phrase "Anne Hathaway Involved in Accident with Cyclist." Unfortunately, as I went about my morning routine of slathering the crotch of my bib shorts with Hellmann's and checking my email, those were just the words I read:

Fortunately, it appears as though nobody was seriously injured. Here's the cyclist appreciating his "tarck" bike, and here's Anne Hathaway like reflecting on how totally crazy that was:

Here's a closer look at the aftermath:

TMZ says that the cyclist was at fault, but accidents like this are seldom clear cut, and until the "nonplussed onlooker" weighs in we cannot know for sure. What is clear is that the cyclist has a penchant for purple and an aversion to foot retention. He was also "palping" a brake. While the impact was not sufficient to shatter either one of his Aerospokes, his u-lock was nonetheless ejected from the rear pocket of his girl pants and thrown clear. Hathaway, it should be noted, was not driving, and should be commended for immediately trying to administer some sort of celebrity-powered faith healing to the cyclist's left knee. However, Hathaway should also be rebuked for not wearing a helmet!

Perhaps the most telling piece of evidence is the car's broken passenger side mirror, which you will note is hanging limply like the ear of a Bassett Hound. TMZ says "the cyclist rammed into the car as it was turning," and the damage indicates a classic car-going-right, bike-going-straight scenario. This is a very common type of accident, and it usually happens in two ways: 1) the driver is turning right, and the cyclist, who is going straight and is an idiot, attempts to pass; or 2) the cyclist is going straight, and the driver, who is going right and is an idiot, attempts to pass and then cuts the cyclist off.

At this point, we do not know for sure who the idiot was, but either way it's hard to expect drivers and cyclists in Los Angeles to interact comfortably. On the spectrum of bike friendliness, cities like Copenhagen and Portland lie on the "very friendly" end, while Los Angeles lies more on the "hostile" end, just next to the surface of the planet Mercury. Consequently, drivers don't know how to share the road with cyclists, and cyclists are so marginalized they're not sure how to behave. It's an unfortunate situation, but rest assured the city of Los Angeles is planning to do something about it by increasing the number of white people there:

Yes, once Los Angeles can reduce the pesky racial diversity that somehow prevents them from being bike friendly, they can finally start developing a bikeway. From the sound of things, this whitewashing of the population should take about 20 years, though Mowery does not specify if this will involve importing more white people or else simply asking all the non-white people to leave.

Meanwhile, here in Brooklyn, the "Hipster vs. Hasidim" conflict continues to escalate (by "escalate" I mean "get more stupider") and this Sunday, the "hipster" hissy fit will officially move into its naked phase:

Whereas some activists fashion themselves after people like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mohandas Gandhi, organizer Heather Loop works in the tradition of the segregationalists. Says she, "If you can't handle scantily clad women...live in a place where you can have our own sanctuary, like upstate." While this isn't quite the same as saying "Go back to where you came from," it's close, and with an attitude like that Loop will soon find herself being tapped by the city of Los Angeles to help implement the "final solution" to their cycling problem. Personally, I plan to forego the tempting opportunity to see Ms. Loop naked, but please do wake me for the cross burning.

Speaking of cycling and nudity, I recently visited Bonktown (I'm hoping to snag a Primal Wear Pink Floyd jersey at a deep discount) and noticed the following question:

Actually, I'm pretty sure that it is, since judging from these Kama Sutra temple carvings the ancient Indians clearly knew how to get aero:

Plus, they even practiced a variation of "Mongolian cyclocross:"

Obviously the "cyclocross remount" has been considerably refined over the centuries.

But passions aren't the only thing aflame at the moment in the world of cycling. In fact, commenter "Ant1" informs me that the Bianchi warehouse is in flames too:

I was relieved to read that nobody had been hurt, but was dismayed to learn that "some important inventory has been lost." If you've got a Bianchi road bike on order from your LBS you can expect a long wait, but in the meantime you will at least probably be able to pick up a cheap and "lightly-singed" Pista on Craigslist or eBay soon. Or, you could just buy this Lapierre road bike instead:

Racing bike - 2009 la pierre s-lite 300 - $1250 (Williamsburg)
Date: 2009-12-14, 3:24PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

I recently bought a 2009 La Pierre S-Lite 300 to get make my midtown commute faster, but it turned out to be too small for me (52cm, I'm 6ft tall). I bought it through a friend's bike shop, and it was the last of its model so I didn't get to try it out.

Full ultegra components, mavic race wheels, fully carbon frame and fork, brand new eggbeater c's, etc etc.

If you don't know about La Pierre - check it out here: http://www.lapierrebikes.us/lapierre/road-bike/2009/S-LITE-300-FDJ-TRIPLE

I literally rode this bike twice. Never crashed, never gotten wet. The only wear is a little blue on the white saddle from where my jeans rubbed against it.

Bike wholesales for 1600, so this is a steal.

Price firm, cash only, local pickup only.

Frame : CARBON T3 HR DESIGN FRANCAISE DES JEUX
Fork : EASTON EC70 CARBON / ALLOY
Headset : ALUMINIUM INTEGRATED 1.1 / 8
Bottom Bracket : SHIMANO EXTERNAL BEARINGS
Crankset : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL 30X39X52
Stem : RITCHEY PRO 31.8
Seatpost : RITCHEY PRO V2 27.2X300
Handlesbars : RITCHEY ROAD PRO 31.8
Front derailleur : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Rear derailleur : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Brakes : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Shifters : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Saddle : SELLE ITALIA XO SPECIAL EDITION WHITE
Wheel : MAVIC AKSIUM RACE BLACK M10
Sprocket : 10S SHIMANO CS-5600 12X25
Tires : HUTCHINSON EQUINOXE TS FDJ 700X23
Weight : 8.2 KG

I was amazed to read that the seller actually bought this carbon fiber road bike specifically to "make my midtown commute faster." While I've certainly been raced by other commuters while commuting myself, I always assumed that they were simply overzealous Nü-Fred who had temporarily surrendered themselves to the new and novel excitement of riding a bicycle in traffic. It never occurred to me that this behavior was actually premeditated, or that they were equipping themselves to such an extravagant degree specifically for this purpose. Almost as amazing is the fact that a person six feet tall would honestly think he could ride a 52cm bicycle comfortably. I wish I had gotten to hear the conversation he had with his friend at the bike shop. I bet his friend told him the bike would be "flickable" in traffic.

But not all cyclists want to go fast, and if this describes you then you might prefer a "secret 3 speed" instead:

Looks like a Fixed Gear- But its a secret 3 Speed - Beautiful &Unique! - $475 (Upper West Side)
Date: 2009-12-15, 2:50PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

The bike is called a Swobo Otis. Swobo is a very cool Santa Cruz, CA based bike company specializing in Urban Bikes. The bike has barely been ridden and I have the original bill of sale from A Bicyle Shop on west 22nd street. Brand new its value is $800, so this is a steal! Im movong to LA and would love to pass it off before I go. The bike is gorgeous and very unique. Like i said in the title it appears to be a fixed gear but it is actually a hub based 3 speed, which is super convenient to have at your disposal. Its light and fast and super sleek. Its a beautiful Matte Black all aluminum frame complete with a front mounted disc brake(looks super bad!), and a signature swobo saddle with a bottle opener built in underneath - need I say more... There are too many options to list, so check out the link - http://www.swobo.com/catalog/product_info_b.php?cPath=201_207 Your going to love this bike! Call or text me if your interested 818-749-[deleted].

Interestingly, the seller is moving to Los Angeles. I suppose this means the Great White Cyclist Migration has already begun.