Give It Up: The Best Gift is Nothing at All

As we move into the smarmy, treacly portion of the holiday season, many of us find ourselves under pressure to purchase gifts for other people. While gift-giving was once a natural expression of goodwill, it has since become a prerequisite, and our entire retail economy now depends on it. If you fail to purchase a gift and present it to someone else, not only are you tacitly telling someone you don't care about them, but you're also undermining the entire capitalist system. At this rate, in a few decades Christmas and its various ethnic spin-offs will no longer be considered holidays, and will instead be legal obligations like Tax Day.

Still, whether you're giving gifts this year out of genuine affection, or you're doing so out of obligation and fear, if you haven't finished your holiday shopping by now you're almost out of time. Christmas is a little more than a week away, and if you're shopping for Hanukkah you're dangerously late, for Jewish tradition states that if ye hath not purchased a gift before the eight and final candle of the Virtual Menorah is extinguished, then ye shall be banish-ed and shunned for all eternity. Unfortunately, though, ITTET many of us have even less money than we do time, which makes the gift-giving process extremely stressful. Sure, every TV show, magazine and website has an annual list of gift ideas, but what good is that perfect gift when you simply can't afford it?

As it happens, my bathroom reading has become increasingly spiritual as of late, and I was poring over the Dhammapada recently when I arrived upon this quote from the Buddha or someone claiming to be the Buddha:

"But there is a taint worse than all taints--ignorance is the greatest taint. O mendicants! throw off that taint and become taintless!"

Indeed, attaining total taintlessness is the loftiest of spiritual goals, which is why DZ-Nuts and in fact the entire crotch cream industry has a vested interest in keeping us all in a state of ignorance and desire by moistening and coddling our grundles. This is also why the true ascetic cyclist goes without chamois cream, so that he or she may remove the taint over time through a painful process of abrasion, thus eventually reaching transcendence and enlightenment.

In any case, as I pondered this, I realized that lack of time and money is not regrettable. In fact, it's a blessing, for instead of giving gifts to each other it affords us an opportunity to help the mendicants, those people who go without and depend on charity. Instead of stretching your budget to give your friend that hands-free umbrella he's been coveting, simply give what you can unto the mendicant in your friend's name, thus "embiggening" everybody. This is what the Buddhists call a "mitzvah," and it is gift-giving in its purest form. (Or what the Buddhists call "fixed-gear giving.")

The only hard part is choosing a worthy mendicant. So, in lieu of a "traditional" seasonal gift-giving guide, I'm instead pleased to present a short list of some lesser-known yet still worthy cycling mendicants. So give alms instead of gifts this year, and let the "stocking stuffer" remain what it sounds like: a euphemism for the male member.

Recycle-A-Bicycle, Bike Co-Ops, etc.

If you live in a city or town of any consequence you have at least one LBS, if not several. Their racks are brimming with crabon fribé pro bike replicas; their walls are hung with $200 helmets and $500 ballet shoes; and their selling floors are staffed by teenagers who can fit you (incorrectly) at a glance while they recite marketing copy like a guru can recite the Bhagavad Gita.

But what of that other shop? You know, the one filled with old crappy 10 speeds and staffed by people with strange body piercings and on loan from the food co-op. The one that considers things like cartridge bearings and threadless forks a gross indulgence. The one that offers a weekly class specifically to teach transgender people how to overhaul French bottom brackets.

As amazing as it seems, this shop is not drowning in revenue. In fact, it depends on the good will of others to provide vegans, graduate students, and other needy people with safe, reliable bicycles. So check with yours and see if they need anything. If it's anything like ours, then not only do they need money and parts:

But they also need tissue paper and string for some reason:

Remember: the best thing about giving to a bicycle co-op is not how good it feels to help. Rather, it's how good it feels to watch your friend's crestfallen expression when he or she opens a card that says, "A ball of butchers twine has been donated in your name to Recycle-A-Bicycle." So give until it hurts--to laugh.

Junior Development

If you've ever purchased or renewed a USCF or NORBA license, you've probably been prompted to help young and aspiring competitive cyclists:

Even if you haven't, at some point you've probably been solicited by a local club to donate money or equipment or to attend some event in order to help support their junior racers.

This holiday season, instead of ignoring those solicitations like you always do, consider actually helping. After all, there are people in their late teens who are right now being forced to race and train on last year's Dura Ace! Donating even a few hundred dollars can mean that somewhere a young road racer will have a season's supply of fresh white bar tape for his road bike, his TT bike, and his crit bike, or a track racer can use silk tires instead of cotton, or a cyclocross racer can have a duplicate set of carbon tubular wheels for his pit bike. Today's promising junior racer is tomorrow's 32 year-old freeloading Cat 1, and he should have every advantage before he's eventually forced to take a part-time job or start a coaching business.

Cycling Blogs

Did you know that most cycling bloggers are volunteers? Well, it's true. Many of them toil for little more than the occasional free component or the thrill of seeing themselves mentioned on cycling forums and reading about how their blogs used to be really good but that they really suck now. This is hardly adequate compensation for bringing the whole of "bike culture" to people who should really be working. Some of these bloggers are even forced to support themselves with "day jobs." (Fat Cyclist, for example, supports himself as a fisherman, and Stevil Kinevil is a freelance chicken sexer.)

Someday, society will look back in amazement and shame upon a time when bloggers were treated like little more than sweatshop laborers, and the bloggers themselves shall build sprawling estates and erect mighty statues in their own honor. But until that time comes, you should do what you can this gift-giving season to support your favorite blog. One way of doing this is by purchasing ironic merchandise from them. Or, if you look closely, some of them even accept donations:

If you read cycling blogs, then disappoint a friend or loved one by supporting a blogger in their name today. (By the way, in the extremely unlikely event that you even like the blog you're currently reading, you can support it by clicking here.)

Cycling Advocacy

Sure, bloggers do a lot for cycling, but how many of them actually have the courage to get up from behind their computers, put on their pants, and do something? This is where cycling advocates come in, and they don't run on smugness and self-righteousness alone. They also need donations:

Yes, it's your tax-deductible donation that lets people speak for you by dressing up as clowns or by running around foreign cities in animal costumes. And not only do they need wacky outfits, but they also need an office in which to plan and don their wacky outfits. If you're not currently supporting a child with a drug habit then this is the next best thing. Remember, you may call it "dignity," but they call it "apathy," and either way they don't have it.

Be Creative!

Maybe you're one of those skeptics that doesn't like to give to groups or strangers because you can't actually be sure that your money is going to good use. In that case, you can always make a personal connection by finding and helping one needy person. Some people do this by doing things like answering letters to Santa from underprivileged children, but if you're looking for something more cycling-specific you can always visit Craigslist. Here's just one of the many people whose holiday dreams you can make come true with a random act of altruism:

Hipster Road Bike Wanted - $150 (Upper West Side)
Date: 2009-12-13, 3:18AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm moving to the city January 18 and will need a bicycle. Oh and I'm broke so no carbon fiber or the like.

Every day another aspiring hipster arrives in a new city with nothing but an expensive liberal arts degree and some vague aspirations to be in a band, or else if that doesn't pan out in six weeks to make movies. You can make a real difference in this person's life by supplying him or her with the bare essentials he or she needs to survive, such as a fixed-gear bicycle, a powerful Mac running a full suite of video and music editing software, tattoo money, and a reliable drug connection. Best of all, their identities are highly malleable, so if you're really generous you can probably even rename them in a friend or family member's honor. Imagine how warm you'll feel this holiday season as you gather around the computer with your family and watch your hipster's latest exploits on YouTube or Vimeo. So why not adopt-a-hipster today?