Monday, April 6, 2009

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: The Spring Classics

Here in New York, yesterday was a lovely spring day, and the streets were teeming with riders of all kinds. To wait at a red light, ordinarily a solitary affair in bad weather, meant to be joined by a cross-section of fellow cyclists: old crappy ten-speed pilots; roadies; triathletes; and fixters complete with low-rise stems, riser bars, and u-lock holsters. (Naturally, I did my best to avoid waiting at any red lights.) It seemed everywhere you looked, somebody was awkwardly enjoying a bicycle.

But while people were racing in the local parks, or cruising around enjoying the weather, or watching the Tour of Flanders amongst friends, I eschewed such frivolity. This is because I take cycling seriously. And as a serious cyclist, it just so happens that today marked the start of my own "Classics" season as well. So any riding I did this weekend was simply preparation for the first true test of the Classics: my Monday Morning Commute.

I'd been targeting this commute for nearly a year now, and going in I knew I had the legs to deliver a great performance. My coaches at Carmichael Training Systems and I had spent countless hours in the wind tunnel, experimenting with various pant cuff retention systems. While we got decent numbers with the Stroke's Extra Leg, we ultimately decided that it was too risky to use new technology like this for a Classic. Instead, we ultimately opted for a traditional setup: Custom Fit Khaki Pleated Dockers complete with hidden waitband, button-through back pockets, and a permanent crease, wrapped from knee to ankle in Saran Premium Wrap in order to prevent interference with the Ironic Orange Julius Bike's drivetrain. Sure, the Extra Leg might shave a few seconds in theory, but during a one-day event it's best not to take any chances.

I awoke this morning to find that we had made the right choice. Spring in New York is unpredictable, and while yesterday's weather was warm and sunny, today's was cool and rainy. As such, after applying the Saran Premium Wrap to my Dockers, my longtime Polish soigneur Thadeusz also used an old commuter's trick and sprayed me from the waist down with 3M Scotchguard Protector for Carpet. I topped it off with a waterproof poncho.

By the time Thadeusz was done with me I was wrapped up like a Sears loveseat out for delivery. Not only that, but the rain had also stopped. Still, off I went. In the Tour of Flanders, things start getting serious on the Koppenberg. Similarly, on my Monday Morning Commute, the first major selection comes at the Yuppieberg:



This is the view from the top of the Yuppieberg, from which the people of Park Slope can look down upon their lesser neighbors below. On Friday and Saturday evenings rivulets of balsamic vinegar and Pinot Noir flow from their brownstone soirées, along the gutter, down the Yuppieberg, and into New York Harbor. Yes, the only thing steeper than the gradient is the percentage with which the real estate values increase as you ascend. Even ITTET, the climb is as wallet-sapping as it is leg-sapping.



Once the Yuppieberg was behind me, I needed a rest, so I stopped at the Gowanus Canal. Here, the only thing more overwhelming than the natural beauty is the noxious gas.


Whenever I seek profound insight, I sit beside the Gowanus, and inevitably it comes. In this sense, it is very much like the Delphic Oracle--probably because they were basically just huffing fumes there too. This visit to the Gowanus Oracle was no exception, and I sat there until a gefilte fish emerged from the murky depths. I knew he was a gefilte fish because he looked like Charlie the Tuna, only he also had a beard and was wearing a Tallis. The gefilte fish told me who will win Paris-Roubaix this year, and then proceeded to go on at some length about what he felt were the shortcomings of the latest Dura Ace group. I wasn't particularly interested in this, since not only did he admit to not having actually tried the new Dura Ace, but also because when Shimano changed the ergonomics they probably didn't have riders with fins in mind. However, instead of pointing these things out to him I simply made an excuse and left.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a photo of the gefilte fish, but I did get one of a tan sedan with a tan raincoat stuck in the door:



I also got a picture of a bike with a pie plate and axle pegs:



Now that's a hot setup.

In Classics like the Tour of Flanders, there's always a lot of excitement when the race passes through the square and all the drunken townsfolk raise their beer glasses and cheer them on. On my Monday Morning Commute, the equivalent of the town square is Fulton Mall, and sadly the townsfolk don't greet me with the same enthusiasm:



Once through the square (I considered taking a feed at Popeye's but I'd wasted a lot of time with the talking fish by this point so decided against it) I came to the next epic climb on my commute, the Manhattan Bridge:


The approach to the Manhattan Bridge is a wide, sweeping turn:



Though some do cut it out cyclocross-style and take the run-up instead:



Once on the bridge, the mighty East River was on my right:


And the subway was on my left:



I always enjoy when the subway rumbles by on the Manhattan Bridge, because it gives me an opportunity to goad the passengers. And few goadings are more effective than those delivered by cyclists wearing ponchos and Dockers wrapped in Saran Wrap and who are still slightly buzzed from Gowanus Canal fumes. Here's one rider who's vainly trying to pretend it isn't happening:




As I crested the top of the climb while waving frantically, making faces, and snapping photos, I was pleased to discover that KOM points were actually on offer in the form of beer:


Not only that, but a little further along I encountered this styrofoam cup art:



If you find yourself Brooklyn-bound from Manhattan at any point today, make sure to grab yourself a cup from the styrofoam cup mural, then help yourself to a beer hanging from the fence in the middle of the span. If you're coming from Brooklyn, simply reverse these instructions. (Though if you're coming from Brooklyn, you're probably already half-drunk anyway.)

The Manhattan Bridge deposits you neatly into Chinatown:



The streets may seem clear and peaceful from up here, but as soon as you leave the bike path an alarm sounds and everybody starts leaping in front of you like when Jim Carrey tries to leave the island in "The Truman Show."

The climbs may have been behind me, but the worst was yet to come in the form of this sector of "urban pavé," or road resurfacing:



As I waited at the red light, I was nervous. Would I be able to make it through? I radioed my longtime Polish soigneur, Thadeusz. "What should I do?," I asked. Unfortunately, my radio wasn't working, but fortunately Thadeusz was right there next to me:


It turns out he'd been walking alongside me the entire time, since I'd only been riding at about 3mph. Thadeusz told me to stop being a "woosie" and to "put the hammer down." So I set aside my woodworking and gingerly made my way through the intersection:



It was treacherous, but thanks to my dorktastically wide tyres (that's the British spelling of "tires," and it's pronounced "tie-rays") I made it through.

Others with lesser setups were not so lucky. Here's a fenderless and bar-tapeless IRO that looks like it's just plotzed:



Here's the bike Boonen and Pozzato might as well have been riding in Flanders yesterday, since Pozzato didn't leave Boonen's wheel the whole time:


But as big a sense of accomplishment as I felt, it was suddenly diminished. After all, I'd only just commuted, which I do every day. I wasn't riding for a higher purpose, like curing cancer, or bringing about world peace:

I've often seen this bike in motion, though before now I'd never seen the "Love Your Lane" banner in the rear. This is because the rider is always going the wrong way in the bike lane. So, ironically, not only can I never read the message, but I also cannot love my lane because some hippie freak coming at me head-on is trying to flower-power my ass out of it. Of course, this hippie isn't all hypocrisy. I believe the front of the basket says "No War For Oil," and she's sticking to the anti-oil sentiment by using none whatsoever on her chain.

But while I may not have saved the world, I did "slay" my Monday Morning Commute Classic, and I plan to palp one of those beers on the way home.

128 comments:

Anonymous said...

Could it be? Yes!

Anonymous said...

2

Anonymous said...

podium

Anonymous said...

top ten?

Wrench Monkey said...

In the money?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Tail end of the bunch sprint. At least I get the same time on G.C.

Javier said...

topten!

Javier said...

again~!

Anonymous said...

Top 10!!! WOOT

red neckerson said...

redneck top ten

Tom said...

That guy in the poncho looks like such a tool! haha that's awful.

First real comment!

Anonymous said...

Boonen!

or Hincapie? Tough call.

Anonymous said...

Top 20!! And I read the whole thing... I know... I'm ashamed of myself

sprider said...

Did you waste time with a "taking" fish, or a "talking" fish?

Anonymous said...

i believe it might have been a "toking fish"

ringcycles said...

palping a Hamond

wishiwasmerckx said...

I must say that your photography skills are improving, although I can not shake the suspicion that the pictures were actually taken by Thadeusz.

Anonymous said...

am i meant to be here, ah no wrong blog...

Jim said...

>>>No War For Oil

I agree with this. If we need more oil, we should squeeze it out of hippies' hair. Given their personal hygeine habits and (using up to 75% more body surface area for the purpose than a normal human being), I estimate a 30 year supply is available at an average Rusted Root concert. All you need to do is wait until the band plays "Ripple," then go and kindly milk the gentle, transfixed creatures.

Plus it's a renewable energy source. Just when you think we're all out of hippy oil, some upper middle class suburban kid discovers his dad's bootleg Dead cassettes, the WTO decides to hold a meeting, and new patchouli reserves are discovered underground in the Haight and Bennington.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BTW, what's a "tain" raincoat? Is that a typo, or a raincoat for your taint?

bikenerd said...

I love you man! Way to start the week.

Ronsonic said...

Pack fill, again

Anonymous said...

Drank all the beers, erp, 'scuse. left a joint for the flight home though.

Lantern Rouge said...

Taking fish?
Tain raincoat?

Apparently, BSNYC is doing his part to stimulate the economy by forcing Bicycling magazine to hire more editors...

Anonymous said...

Must of been the steers he drank on the way in....

LIam Walsh said...

Top 10!

Anonymous said...

Pleats? Hopefully you tape those awesome pleats down or cover them with saran wrap. The wind resistance is tremendous. Saddle bags and I dont mean ortlieb.

Would being high on noxious fumes void a workmans comp claim?

Gert Jan-Theunisse said...

I noticed the styro coffee cup art as well this morning - anybody see what it actually says? I didn't bother to stop for a look as that would've made me 16 minutes late for work instead of 15.

Good thing I didn't notice the KOM prizes or else I might still be on my way to work. I haven't had any KOM love in a while.

ant1 said...

Snob - Is it Thadeusz or Thedeusz?
Or are they twins?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:32pm,

Interestingly, the pleats are actually more aero. Like those dimples on Zipps. They smooth out the turbulence caused by loafer tassels.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

That gefilte fish needs Dura Ace like a fish needs a bicy... oh, nevermind.

Anonymous said...

You seem to have started your commute on the hill top in Yuppieberg. Me thinks tho dost protest Balsamic and Pino too much.

Mongo Pusher said...

Hincapie!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:40pm,

The commute started before the Yuppieberg, but I cut out the early part, just like Versus with the Flanders coverage.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

DId anyone else notice that our working class hero, who really sticks it to the dentists of the world and their expensive bikes, starts his travel log of his bike commute from Park Slope? What did he ride his bike miles so he could he start there, or does in fact live there himself?

hillbilly said...

heinrich housler was really starting to bug me yesterday

Anonymous said...

Love this:

'some hippie freak coming at me head-on is trying to flower-power my ass out of it'

Had to laugh cuz I think Prius drivers are the scariest at hovering behind--those fuckers are stealth!

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Your commute confuses me, parkslope to gowanus then to fulton mall over to the Manhattan Bridge, I think i can show you a route to take at least an hour off that century.

Glad to see I'm not the only one enjoying some woodworking while waiting for the light to change.

7sp said...

Thadeusz is one weary Pole.

grog said...

Excellent travelblog, Snobbie.
Perhaps soon you'll take a ride through the park. I'd like to see bikes having fun with kites and frisbees.

brighton velo said...

Sucks that your commute home requires a hill finish.

Woosie hater said...

Tour of Ned Flanders was boring this year

WheelDancer said...

How you can take all those pictures when you are screaming along at 3 mph is totally beyond comprehension particularly at this early point in the season.

CommieCanuck said...

Snob..to really experience the Spring Classics, you have to think like big George Hincapie:

Take the same route, except with very, very fragile parts on you bike that make no sense whatsoever.

After the crash, broken wrist, and reassurances from Thadeusz, take all your money and invest it in crappy sportswear and a cycling theme park in South Carolina with a $1M buy-in.

Tour de Flatlanders said...

The "top" of Yuppieburg?

Whoa - slow down there, mountain man. Watch for altitude sickness.

I have more vertical drop in my driveway. And I live in Michigan...

Unknown said...

SNOB: That's not beer, don't drink the yellow stuff!

Unknown said...

Woodworking: What? On a bike with the "Tiny Lathe" searched on Google.

Measuring 32 mm long, 25 mm wide, and 30.5 mm high, the lathe weighs just 100 grams. http://www.designnews.com/article/13050-Tiny_lathe_produces_micro_parts.php

Anonymous said...

Frilly,

I was once called a little shithead by a woman in a Prius covered in Peace and Coexist stickers. I am neither.

Unknown said...

oh yeah, AYHSMFDT

kale said...

I was confused, is it Bone-in or Boon-in, those lousy announcers on VS kept switching up and I think they were mocking him for woosing out so early. But it was funny to hear "there's Bonein' in the peloton". At least he didn't eat shit in the sprint like a certain other woosie.

Snob, maybe you could get a job training those sandbaggers with your Hell of the South commute. Any trip through Chinesetown or Times Square should prepare those woosies for dodging inanimate fences.

Unknown said...

AYHSMFDeglovedT

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I'd like to thank you for your bike advice you've unknowingly gave me. Off went the bar ends from my riser bars. Better now, but still more to go. The giant plastic pie plate, gone. Now it's starting to look like something. Both my bottle cages, changed to a matching pair that are even the same color. Never before has my bike looked better.

CommieCanuck said...

According to Tom's Speshulized TV ads, it's bone-in.

Boonen is "the real thing".

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc/rtms sez "I did "slay" my Monday Morning Commute Classic"...

...my, my, my...speaking of "delphic oracles", it sounds like yer 'monday morning commute classic' was more along the lines of homer's fucking odyessey w/ traces of last weeks aldous "huffing" huxley's palpable changes of perception...

...hmmm...bearded, talking, shawl wearing fish ???...& thadeusz, who can't be more than 4ft high (whoa, did i say 'high'), yer (imaginary ???) almost "sancho panza"-ish soigneur...

...imho (as the kids say), those 'kom' beers mighta done nothing but bring you done from yer high flying monday morning buzzz...

...it's still early in the day, sir but 'cheers to ya'...

bikesgonewild said...

..."bring you 'done' " ???...duh...i must be "done"...

...how about "those 'kom' beers mighta done nothing but bring you down" ???...

elkue said...

Thank you for making fun of that woman with the flowery bike. I've seen her riding against traffic a handful of times - but those are the only times I've seen here. Most notably towards me in the 2nd avenue bike lane in the middle of the day.. heavy traffic.

kale said...

Commie,

Thanks, because I've been boonen some 16-year-olds and palping the snow lately, and I wouldn't have wanted to commit a faux pas by mispronouncing my colloquialisms. He definately made a great domestique - maybe Paris-Roubaix will be the Boonen-Hincapie the sponsors want to see.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the strange twists and turns that the big city offers: one being the fact that the Carroll Street Bridge is beautiful while the Ninth Street Bridge is a noxious turd -- and they're only blocks apart. Ride Carroll Street -- the Gowanus waters roil happily around it and dispense sweet scented fumes up to those who take the time to enjoy the view. I understand that heading westerly you're breaking its one-way "rule" -- but, it's rarely traveled and such violations are overlooked by the kindly dwarf that mans its antique retractile mechanisms. And, as you ease your way off the span, you'll pass over cobble stones that will spark joyful dreams of Flanders, not the nightmare that you just described.

Anonymous said...

you should see if Schwinn will let you review the new Tailwind for your commute

Business Week's reviewer liked how the motor helped him climb the Manhattan Bridge and was impressed that the electro bike also seemed to have street cred with messengers

http://www.businessweek.com/innovate/content/mar2009/id20090330_206308.htm?chan=top+news_top+news+index+-+temp_innovation+%2Bamp%3B+design

Seanywonton said...

Great post! Palp a few cold ones for me.

broomie said...

Fun and fresh for Monday,
Thanks Snob!

Anonymous said...

Anon 342: "...The highest of the three levels, for example, can help zip you up to around 15 miles per hour on flat ground."

Umm, no thanks.

Doug V said...

You could probably take some oil from the hair of the hippie to further the water proof aspects of your morning commute attire.

CommieCanuck said...

ah Kale...Georgie winning P-R is like Linus seeing the Great Pumpkin, or Charlie Brown kicking that football.

Check eH for more on this.

gruntl Ed. said...

You are to be commended. They are too few who eschew frivolity, fewer still who eschew it so well.

It pays to read late! This classic has been decobbled.

Unknown said...

Snob,
I am surprised that during such a monumental commute there is no mention of any schluff'in. I am sure that if you were to schluff past the subway you would be able to get closer to the plebes on the train.

hillybilly said...

i did enjoy fabian cancellering any chance he had of winning by snapping his chain, and his posing with it around his neck reminded me of why i hate racers

mike from brooklyn said...

i spotted the lone wolf yesterday in venice beach on my way to the airport. alas, he was too wily for me to snap a pic. the beast in his element was even more glorious than is believable.

keep the rubber side down.

Drew Scott said...

Snob, I'm surprised that you failed to mention the new accessory of the peloton this year, a snapped SRAM Red chain necklace!

JPB said...

BGW - Not one to pass up a classic literary reference, are you?

Although, I suppose Snob's vendetta against fixter kind could be called quixotic.

RTMS - did you happen to see a cyclops on your journey today?

BoCoMike said...

I loved this post. The tone and dry humor speak to me in such a profound way. Thanks!

bikesgonewild said...

...nope, jpb & nice follow through quip...

...btw...i used to read actual books before the damn internet came along...

jhota said...

you know, i think the dork disc + axle pegs combo actually makes sense. because if you're using the axle pegs, there's probably a greater chance than normal of pranging the derailer hanger and causing an inadvertent overshift into the wheel.

Captain said...

Mr. MINGUStheMECHANIC, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are.

cyclingTips said...

So Snobby, which commuter bucket do you fall into? Or do you have your own category?

http://www.cyclingtipsblog.com/2009/04/weekdaymadness/

bikesgonewild said...

...axle pegs ???...are you referring to the "supplementary passenger devices"...

...& speaking of devices, is it just me or does that traffic device in the "street repaving" foto look like the 'hat' for dr suess's "cat in the hat" ???...

...could be i'm simply catching a 'contact high' from bsnyc/rtms...

Anonymous said...

BSNYC:
Nice, Funny Post. I also liked your new column in bicycling which arrived today...Very Witty ! Any chance you can run a contest whereby we might be able to win that 2010 Ford Mustang GT inside the front cover ? Now that your big time and all ???

Wes said...

Tyres - it's pronounced dy reeze. The t is hardened, the z softened in deference to our American overlords on Sesame Street, holders of the standards of "true" English.

Probably best to put in a couple of you / your, your / you're throwaways as well, as is the style of the time.

Anonymous said...

CyclingTips-

Funny, and maybe plagerism.

Bluenoser said...

Snobie,

You missed the boat on the sheer aero of the loafers under those Dockers.

And everyone know that during the Spring Commute Classics That on Snob Hill its called,

Vinaigre Balsamique.

For the month anyway.

-B

Anonymous said...

Plagerism-

Insulting, and maybe misspelled.

cyclingTips said...

Plagerism? You mean Plagiarism.

Yes, I ripped off the pictures, but spend many minutes ripping them off. One picture I even ripped off from BSNYC - that's how I found this diamond in the rough. As for everything else, I doubt I'm the first person who's poked fun at commuters. If you can point me to where I plagiarized from I'd be greatful, because that would be coincidence that's out of this world

Anonymous said...

OI!
Talis are only worn in shul, putz!

Unknown said...

You talk a good game, but I know you "freshen up" when you get to work, removing any badge of honor from your commute.

Luck E. Seven said...

Styro cup art:

DORK NOT

???

A

jolene said...

shut up with yer werds unabomer guy or i mite have to tel red to beet you like john cena

Anonymous said...

greed is good.

-GECKO

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Hey Snob, the bilge pump crapped out again. Everybody, grab a bucket or something till Snob gets 'er going again!

hillbilly said...

cycling tips - the word is grateful

Anonymous said...

Wow. I never suspected. You have totally convinced me. Thanks "Masked Comment-Maker".

Andy Pandy said...

So be it another stunning partnership enters the journals of history right there next to Edmund Hilary and Tenzing Norgay…. BSNYC and Thadeusz. At least Thaddie boy gets some credit for haulin arse even though there was not a decent hill in sight.

Seems like some one on the internetz has a bee in their bonnet. Save it for later when I am dead bored at work

Jim said...

Anon 7:55 - because you kindly posted that on the web, rather than on dead tree by-products in a disturbed, hand-written crayon scrawl, the trees you saved and the creatures that live in them are grateful. You will enjoy the environment's unending praise.

On the other hand, the rest of us reserve the right to kick you square in the pants yabbies for being a f***ing moron and wasting our time like that, jackass.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hoo, boy! my index finger is EXHAUSTED from scrolling to get past that screed. Unibomber, indeed. That will presumably set an unbreakable record for the longest comment ever. Snob, I encourage you to depart from your policy not to edit the comment board, at least this one time.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I saw on Velonews.com that Castelli now offers a $500 windbreaker, the perfect compliment to your $3500 custom Rapha tweed suit.

dos commentos said...

anon 7:55-yeah, so,

What's your POINT?!



and

OH shit, it's Monday already?

Hmph, gonna be a short week.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 7:55...you self righteous, long-winded attention prig...

...do you honestly believe that when you essentially invade a website, that anyone, ever, would take the time to read yer overly long, unedited, self centered tripe ???...

...whether or not there is truth to be learned in your extensive diatribe (& i'm not saying there's not) i guarantee you that it will never be understood quite simply because despite your wonderful appreciation of your own intellect, you're not smart enough to learn how to actually communicate thoughts or ideas...

...just fucking sayin'...

Cognorant said...

BGW

Cognorant said...

BGW....what I meant to say was...

My sentiments exactly! My gut tells me that the monotone, drooling, numbnut who posted that will never revisit this comment section. This guy is way too busy warning the world one blog at at time to stop & look for reactions. His message is soooo important that if he did stop trying to reach the masses for one second he would be missing one second to reach another 20 or so helpless blog posters. He's very important you know.

Anonymous said...

Repetitive too. If he's so freaking concerned with the dumbing down of America then why does he keep repeating the same shit as if we're incapable of understanding it the first time?

bikesgonewild said...

...cogs...i'll reiterate that there may even be some truth to some of what he sez (even a blind pig finds an acorn occasionally) but the "author" is in total denial as regards both the message & his desired audience...

...to the point of absolute douche-baggery...

cyclotourist said...

Yeah, just randomly posting it on blog-comments: http://tinyurl.com/c6spr7

On another note, here's my tribute to Mr. RTMS: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cyclotourist/3407534685/

cyclingTips said...

the douche bag posted the same rant on my site too. The only difference it that it got sent right to my spam.

Fierce Panties USA said...

Yo Unibomber,

Nice Dockers!

and another thing...

USA!

Fierce Panties USA said...

I thought I was the only one who wore plastic wrap on my commute! This is one of those times of solidarity that makes me feel good to be a member of the Bicycling Community.

I feel so happy to be a degloved member of the cycling community!
Love your Lane!

and pleated Dockers fuckin' rock!

Love your country dirty hippies! Ironic Dockers for the hipsters! If you hate your country, Unibomber, then send some spam! USA! USA! USA!

Dockers rock! USA! Dockers rock! USA!

Fierce Panties said...

Hey Unibomber,
I have you to thank. You are the reason why I stopped taking public transportation and got a bicycle. I just needed to avoid listening to you mumble to yourself in the back seat, and also smelling you. Thanks to you I got a bike! Thanks Unibomber. See, you helped someone. Isn't that really all that you wanted? Thanks for helping.

And nice pleats.

Uncle Bob said...

Jeez, somebody had burritos for breakfast. Talk about your noxious gas!

Bear Nardino said...

I leave these commuting play by play posts. They're the funniest.

streepo said...

I friggin' knew it was all oprah's fault!!! The root of all evil!!!

c-record said...

it's BONE-in... and he's into 16 year olds.

Wrench Monkey said...

Hey anon 7:55,also known as Thadeusz,just because you're the Snob's soigneur doesn't mean that we want to read your tautological rants.

Luck E. Seven said...

Anon ad nauseum:

GREED is taking more than your fair share of commenting space. IT IS YOUR DOWNFALL.

Unless you have something to say regarding cycling, awesome sauce, or your podium rank, then FUCK OFF immediately.


A

Cognorant said...

BGW,

I understand completely & agree. I consider myself a blind pig most of the time...but I don't go on about my acorns as if it's going to save the world. I think this individual is different than the usual troll who is just looking for reaction. Seems like he is disturbed & righteous enough that he needs no feedback from the masses he genuinely hopes to free from their ignorance.

kale said...

I think it sounds more like a woosie Jello Biafra freeverse than the Unabomber.

Good thing Snob has the guts to allow it. Must be all the intestinal fortitude gained from drinking Gowanus canal water. I've been mixing the water from the Prominade of Industry in the hope that it'll increase my production at work, but to no avail. All I get are these sores in my soft palate that suppurate profusely.

London Cyclist said...

Nice to hear about your commute. You have phrased it very well and taken us through the different emotions nicely. Thanks for this post. It is interesting to hear about peoples experiences in other cities

Oprah said...

"...the currency looses value..."

-1 for bad spelling

"...three of the most greedy, disgusting... Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, and Dr Phil."

+3 for LOLspiracy

"...Then tell those love-sick people to run out and buy a product or service because you say so."

-2 for revealing your motive

"...So don’t fall for their ‘good will’ 'humanitarian' BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT A CALCULATED, TAX DEDUCTIBLE, MARKETING PLAN TO RAISE THE VALUE OF THEIR OWN IMAGE."

-2 for stating the obvious

"...$20,000,000,000,000. THATS OVER TWENTY TRILLION DOLLARS."

-1 No, it is 20 trillion.

"These decisions are heavily influensed by the 1% club."

-2 for implicating the Hell's Angels

-10 for boring me more than work

Total: -15

Surly Bastard said...

Funny-ass post snobby ... great work and an excellent start to the week.

Unfortunately I read way too much of the Unibomber thinking there was going to be some hilarious punchline slipped in, which there wasn't.

I suggest he save some of those words for the great vocabulary depression that's on the way.

Worst ever, I've heard.

Toxteth said...

I think you or Oprah need to give Anonymous 7:55 his own day.

Cognorant said...

kale,

Nice!....I always enjoy the comments more when I have to look up words but I might have been able to get through the day without knowing the definition of suppurate. Ah well...sacrifice for knowledge and all

kale said...

Cognorant,


If I would have said pussy instead, I think I would have been misunderstood.

Fierce Panties said...

Kale,

True,

but Jello never has worn pleated Dockers,

and that counts for something.

Steve said...

kale,

Pussy, woosie, wussy....either way, I think you hit the nail on the head.

Cognorant said...

Kale,
Glad to know that someone out there considers the those kind of subtleties

Tex said...

So... some o' y'all actually read that shit? Wow.

Jim said...

Frilly Said:

If he's so freaking concerned with the dumbing down of America then why does he keep repeating the same shit as if we're incapable of understanding it the first time?

Because, like foreigners, maybe we'll understand better IF HE STANDS THERE SHOUTING AT US!

Anonymous said...

I think I know you you are, but I don't care enough to ask around. Just a note: ponder the default voice of snark herein employed (of course I did not read the whole thing). Reflect on what else could manifest if you opened up more and risked further vulnerability and felt more freely. The assumed armor and facade are appealing to a very small subset, and you know better.

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Anonymous said...

Tyres = tear-s

not tie-res

Anonymous said...

How say tyres:

http://www.howjsay.com/index.php?word=tyres