Friday, April 17, 2009

BSNYC Fidray Fun Quiz!

As I mentioned on Wednesday, cycling blogger and fat cyclist Fat Cyclist has some contest going where you not only get free airfaire to New York City, but you also have the option of meeting me. (Also you can win a smock.) While coming to a place as packed with interesting things as New York City only to meet a recluse with a fear of revolving doors and a strange affinity for geese might seem anticlimactic, I still implore you to participate, if only to support a good cause. (Or at least a cause that is not evil.) Incidentally, last time I checked the fundraising page, Fatty and his accomplice had raised $2,645:

On one hand, I was honored. $2,645.00 is a lot of money. That's 6.297768994 Scattante Empire State Couriers, or 1.664568911 Opas from Dutch Bike Co. Seattle, or 0.315068493 Serotta Meivici framesets! On the other hand, the white space in the thermometer reminded me of how much I'm apparently not worth and only served to underscore my many shortcomings. I'd like to say it sent me into a spiral of self-doubt, but I already live in a spiral of self-doubt. I also noticed one or two of Fatty's commenters mentioned they were "scared" to meet me. If it's any consolation, rest assured I'm far more frightened of you than you are of me. In any case, in all seriousness, many thanks to all those who have donated so far, and I look forward to meeting, well, somebody.

By the way, when I say New York City is packed with interesting things, I mean it. Yesterday evening on the Manhattan Bridge I was excited to discover this lunch box zip-tied to the chainlink fence which is there to keep all of us shame-spiraling New Yorkers with no access to wire cutters from killing ourselves:

According to both the cover on the pad and the moldy note in the Ziploc bag, the lunchbox had actually been repurposed as a "suggestion box:"

There was also a URL inside the pad:

As you may know, I'm a tremendous fan of suggestion boxes, and I continue to cherish the single suggestion that I received. So I figured the least I could do was contribute. Perhaps it was the enchanting light of a spring evening, or perhaps it was the pleasant sound of my fellow cyclists passing back and forth on the bike path beside me, or perhaps it was because I had just downed a bottle of Purple Drank, but for whatever reason I was suddenly overtaken by an uncharacteristic wave of good feelings and so I suggested the following:

After stuffing the suggestion in the lunchbox I realized this is the same thing Jerry asked the flight attendant for when he got to fly first class in that "Seinfeld" episode. I also realized that I don't really feel that way at all. If anything, there's too much of everything already, and what what I'd really like is "No anything." Still, what's done is done. So if you notice a sudden uptick in everything you have me to blame.

That said, I hereby present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think carefully, and click on your answer. If you're right you will be reaffirmed, and if you're not you'll see this informative PSA.

Thanks very much for reading, donating, emailing and commenting. Have a great weekend and ride safe.


1) What is happening here?

--A department store BMX is humping an old three-speed
--The bicycle equivalent of organic matter being broken down into soil
--Typical New York City bike parking
--All of the above

2) What is this guy doing?

--He's representing Brooklyn with his knuckle tattoo gloves
--He's representing Lynbrook with his knuckle tattoo gloves
--He's preparing to beat somebody to death with his Kryptonite chain for calling him a "woosie"
--He's pretending to think about pretending to ride a Dutch City bike

4) What's this fork made out of?


5) After publishing his controversial opinion piece, to which indignity was columnist and overnight sensation Zack Colman not subjected?

--He received death threats
--His Saturn was vandalized
--His Passover Seder was interrupted
--He had to alter his driving route due to a Critical Mass ride organized in response to his column

6) What happened during a recent driver/cyclist altercation in Indiana?

--The cyclist exposed himself to the driver
--The cyclist threw the driver's keys down a storm drain
--The driver attempted to bite off the cyclist's ear
--The driver attempted to steal the cyclist's bike

7) On Wednesday a Wired blogger posted a piece in which he attempted to ridicule fixed-gear fashion. What did he post on Thursday?

--A piece in which he praised his Dutch city bike
--A piece in which he attempted to ridicule roadie fashion
--A piece in which he reviewed a Vespa LX 50 scooter
--An announcement that he was now building a fixed-gear bike followed by a bunch of questions that were answered by Sheldon Brown and Bikeforums years ago

"A pressure port and and barometer measure wind speed, an accelerometer measures acceleration and road grade, and speed and cadence are picked up by ANT+ wireless sensors. Total weight is inputted by the rider, and CdA and Crr are determined by a series of coastdowns and a 4 mile out and back calibration ride."

8) The above is a description of which piece of equipment?

--An aftermarket GPS now available for BMW motorcycles
--The dashboard of the GM + Segway "Puma" collabo
--Apple's new "iWhizzinator"

9) A jackalope is a cross between "a now extinct pugmy deer and a rubbit."


***Special Cycling Fashion-Themed "Price Is Right" Bonus Question!!!***

How much can you expect to pay to palp this pair of "cycling-inspired" shants with integrated tights, which exercises "a firm direction towards practical and functional menswear," and which "brings together a union of casual and more refined fashion"?



paul said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Missed the podium. Time to retire...

JDogg said...

Top 10!

red neckerson said...

fuck yeah

Anonymous said...


Ronsonic said...

Rats, pack fill

Anonymous said...

top something

Anonymous said...

I dont know what a pugmy deer is but I would like to rubbit bald.

ringcycles said...

Hammond eggs again?

red neckerson said...

so anyways i wents back and actually read the post and read about what some hoosier did im guessing to some kentuckian since kentucky folk gets there passports together and crosses the river and rides in indiana becos the roads are supposed to be safer over there

hoosiers are fucking morons no mater how you slice it thats what im saying

so the kentucky feller probably yelled something like BITE MY REAR
and the hoosier got confused and bit some other part of his anatomy which is what youd expect from a hoosier becos they is a bunch of fucking morons

streepo said...


streepo said...

As you did with the bowling trick shot video, you are again guaranteeing a completely unproductive afternoon as I look for more pool trick shots.

Bobbo said...

pony up podium boys

Anonymous said...

Of course people are scared of you. Maybe they are scared to be seen out riding with you in the streets of New York. who knows what the snob may be rocking/rubbing on any given monday. Cellophane, pleated dockers, loafers with tassels. You could at least opt for penny loafers but I guess that is personal preference. I personally am just in it for the open jawed ticket. you could be whisked away to far more enchanting places than the New City of York like delaware. Unless, the bike snob would agree to don tweed and ride p-fars around the city then I would definitely be down.

Anonymous said...

Pugmy? I hardly know her!

Ronsonic said...

"Zack Colman." Ya know, if I were writing a novel with a douchey journalism student as a character, that is probably the sort of name I'd make up for him.

Yeah, I was one of the guys who emailed him. In my email I allowed that he may have been attempting some level of irony, but in the reality of occasional driver hostility and routine indifference that cyclists see, it wasn't clear. And in any case wasn't funny, so fuck 'im.

Other than weigh a bunch, is there anything that a Dutch bike does that an English Roadster doesn't do better?

brainiac said...

all you quizzers suck my balls.

Anonymous said...

Tyler done

ant1 said...

Does anyone know if it's Tyler or his vanishing twin that's depressed? None of the articles I've read mentioned it.

Anonymous said...

yesyesyesyesyes--1st quantile

Anonymous said...

What day of the week is Fidray?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:31pm,

It's the day after Tuhrsday.

Anonymous 1:12pm,

I'm down for the p-fars but I don't palp tweed.


Anonymous said...

Donate for Fatty or shut the fuck up

RANTWICK said...

Those pants at the end! $526, and all I could think of (for some unknown reason) when I first saw them was "Sponge Bob". So very strange.

Danny Ray said...

First Comment Evar!

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Snoby, did you noticed that the models on the NYT gallery were not all "rubbing" (did I use this term correctly?) Dutch City bikes. There is a small wheel folding, and a couple of simple commuters probably not too unlike the Redline 925.

Also, It looks like the article is a disguised attempt at advertising. I am sure the clothing labels "contributed" to the article in addition to lending clothes. While you have not jumped the shard or completely sold out, can you blame the gray lady for doing so?

leroy said...


Cycling on Purple Drank?

Are you trying to raise money for FC by convincing folks you're David Byrne?

I'll suspend my disbelief for a good cause.

But I'm not buying Zach Colman's claim that the Passover plagues include cell phones.

Honestly, somebody must've substituted Purple Drank for the Manischewitz at that boy's seder

wishiwasmerckx said...

What an informative post! I now know the following:

1) Turn off your cell phone during Seder.

2) A custom-made bespoke pair of trousers may be had for only 4080 Hong Kong dollars. They also include built-in underwear, so you've saved yourself 8 or 9 bucks right there.

3)Evander Holyfield moved to Indiana? BTW, do you know why they call them Hoosiers? Because they always go around asking "Who's your Dad?"

Fierce Panties said...


You used rub very well in your comment except for the air quotes. It's simply rubbing.

Anonymous said...

If I go to NYC, can we go shants shopping?

streepo said...

Poor Tyler

Anonymous said...

How easy is it to clean up when you shart in your shants?

Matt said...

One thing those Dutch city bikes do nicely is carry a load. I've ridden the model pictured (though I don't own one, I was visiting America's moist cycling capital) and the front rack mounts to the frame, not the fork, so you can load 'er up and hardly affect the steering, which is anyway stabilized by the spring under the downtube. Also, they weigh a lot, so are safe if you have an offset front collision with a SmartCar.

Fierce Panties said...

What ever happened to the rocking off the Goodwill black Dickies work pant cut offs with the Salvation Army spandex first layer for $10 total?

Of all of my most opulent cycling compulsive shanting, I have to say that I'm glad to have never shart more than $200 for a pair of shorts.

Anonymous said...

Maybe those $526 shants are the 'kamikaze messenger wear' that the NY Times referred to.

You certainly wouldn't palp them with your Dutch city bike, on which you can palp your Gucci suit though, right?

Is there a TLC Fashion makeover reality show helping out cyclists like us?

innerlighter said...

"If it's any consolation, rest assured I'm far more frightened of you than you are of me."

So you're a spider then, eh Snobbie?
A witty-talented spider. That begs the question; What do you do with your extra legs when rubbing your Perscattante?

Knit cravats for Rapha for extra money perhaps?


Bike Snob Austin IV said...

I lived in Holland.

That's all that I'm going to say except for this, I'm never going near another Dutch bike again for the rest of my life.

Zack Coleman said...

“We've decided it's best not have me comment on this any more.”

broomie said...

Matt 2:08

You don't need a Dutch bike to carry a load. Just an absorbant chamois.

Fierce Panties said...

I think I used shart incorrectly.

Shart is how I load up the absorbent chammy.

broomie said...

I would really like to win the contest, but I fear Snob and I would simply make awkward small talk for a few minutes.

"Like your blog."
"Mmmm..been ridin' much?"
"mmm, okay, take it easy."

Critias said...

Why is your note "MORE EVERYTHING!" in all capital letters? You should not do this unless your intent was to shout. Were you trying to be emphatic or do you pen all your letters in this unpleasant manner?

Anonymous said...

What's this about a lunch date?

Anonymous said...

Did it taste like EPO or HGH?

grog said...

Yes, Delaware's only revolving door is in the government, and we gots lottsa goose.
Suggestion: More good, less bad.
So don't forget to practice safe cycling: "Only you can prevent jackalope fixation."

Tyroan said...


ronnie raygun said...

if i were riding in indiana and a zack colman type road rager got out of his car and tried to bite my ear off i would totally and completely shart my $500.00 shants.

Anonymous said...

I sucked today (on the quiz).

Hey, Innerlighter, I thought of you last night. Sorry, not like that. I went to a women's only seminar on Riding Your First Century. One of the topics, Beyond the Century, mentioned race across america and brevets. Oh and randonneuring, too.

Fierce Panites said...

Oh SHART, I think that I used shant incorrectly as well.

What I meant to say was, "of all my opulent cullotting..."

Just an Average Joe said...

Hey Snob-

While I think it's awesome that you're helping Fatty with his fundraising by showing who you are to the winner, I'd just like to make one comment you and your comment posters may not like. I mean, does everything have to be of a sexual connotation? Does it always need to be something off color? I realize it's not always your comments but often the comments of the posters but honestly, I won't let my kids read your column. And I stop reading it too once I see it go in that direction. I mean once in a while, ok, it can be funny, but it's more often than not. On the other hand, Fatty's blog is family friendly and also very witty but he doesn't have to resort to bathroom humor to make a point.

You are a superb writer. Your sense of humor and dry wit is off the scale in a great way. Fatty is also a great writer so it's cool that the 2 of you have joined forces.

I know this comment is going to get a bunch of "if you don't like it don't read it" comments but I'm just saying that I think you could be better and funnier and not have to be low about it. I'm pretty sure Bicycling won't let you do that either. I know it's your gift of writing that got that gig for you too and I'm glad for you.

I'd sure love to see more of your work here that my wife and kids could all laugh about together.

Best of everything to you, Snob.

Wade Wallace said...

can't fathom why someone would be frightened to meet you if he won the contest. However, I do look forward to your critique of the day that you spend with the poor guy. He's gonna get roasted

Alternatively, if it turns out like one of those stories from Penthouse letters Snobby, be sure to write about that too...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Just An Average Joe,

Thanks for your comment and your compliments. I generally write about things that are a part of my life. These things include cycling, sex, and going to the bathroom. Actually, of all those things, I think the only thing that's a perverse practice engaged in by a relatively small number of people is cycling. The rest of it's pretty much universal.

At any rate, best of everything to you as well. I hope you'll continue to read, and please feel free to toggle over to Fatty's site if things get too messy here.


Shart Chammy said...

JAAJ, your shants are bunched up, and dude, you're starting to sound seriously old.

It think like you need a little more toilet humor, try making some urophagia jokes to yourself for the rest of the day, or better yet, try some urophagia and lighten up Gramps.

Anonymous said...

Wade, if I win, count on it. One of the goodies handed out last night was a little tube of chain lubricant. Naturally, that got me to thinking about the Bust magazine story.

innerlighter said...

Well thanks for the though Frilly.
BTW, I hope to be lining up for the next Paris-Brest-Paris in 2011. Time enough for you to get training...

just sayin.

Oh, and check out

red neckerson said...

hey snob i gots this feeling deep in my bones that im gonna win yor contest and i dedicated my donation in jolenes honor and you can see for yourself but im worried about jolene becos i aint heard from her ever since she gots a job as a fluffer at the gator porn store it used to be off i65 but they moved it

anyway theres some chance my name aint really red neckerson and considering how ive been dissing canadians french dutch yankees russians commonists and hoosiers and anyone whos dum enuff to live in ohio id appreciate it if you dont release the ident-titty of the winner until you notify him

otherwise i aint gonna be getting out much you know what im saying

Luck E. Seven said...

Wow, the quiz. Dumb-as-fuck is the new ironic.


Anonymous said...

I think Red Neckerson and Snob are the same person.

Just sayin...

hollywoodstuntman said...


Toast Ghost said...

hang on, michael nutter is involved in this fundraiser?

also, i was convinced that the zack colman "piece" was actually written by someone from the onion and everyone was getting overly bent out of shape about it. glad to hear his "ride" (who brags about a saturn anyway, let alone driving to bio class?) was vandalized just to be thorough.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Now that accusation stings! I am more than willing to submit myself to further testing to prove my innocence. Please supply an address and I will send urine.


hollywoodstuntman said...

Stings don't it. Dish it out but cant take it. You may keep your random found bottles of pee.
P.S. love your blog keep up the mediocrity!

baloo said...

8/10 i am ze bestzorzz

Anonymous said...

Dear JAJJ, fuck shit piss.

Anonymous said...

The only "interesting thing" I saw this morning on my way to work was a burned out car blocking the bike path in Van Cortlandt Park Bronx.

snobstalker said...

If I win the contest I'm bringing a whole fistful of condoms, if you know what I mean.

broomie said...


I have kids too, I know how it is. Its really hard to find a good family friendly blogs with sarcastic and ascerbic commentary on niche interests. For family fun I really recommend renting "the Aristocrats" I REALLY suggest FF to the Bob Saget bit. Family fun at its best.

mander said...

9/10, a new "PB"!

sprider said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Albert Schweitzer said...

-- The prize for winning BSNYC's contest is a free trip to East Lansing to vandalize Zack's fine Black Saturn

-- Fat Cyclist's blog is OK, but BSNYC is the best blogger on the planet

-- Have a nice weekned

sprider said...

Matt, which of the models did you ride, the one with glasses, or one of the guys dressed like gangsters?

Oops, Average Joe, these double entendres just slip out, not because I'm on anti-depressants or because I'm hitting myself with a hammer.

Frilly, I hope the advice you got was to eat and drink, that's the way to complete a century.

Hand Solo said...

Down and in Tejas/Wyoming while extremely high on household cleaning solvent fumes ???

red neckerson said...

i didnt mean to leave out the germans there a bunch of deutschbags

Death Race 2000 said...

Hey Zach Colman,

I have a way cool 2000 SW2 Saturn wagon. Wanna race for pinks?

rossannarossannadanna said...

I don't understand all the fuss about butch dikes. A persons should be free to ride their bike regardless of their sexuality. And so what if these butch dikes are a little heavy, maybe riding their bikes will help them lose weight. All you butch dike haters should be ashamed.

Anonymous said...

Just don't start carrying on about endangered feces.

Anonymous said...

in two days...

Amsterdam hates you bike started this whole culture war with regards to their overweight overpriced trendy bikes...

parents hate you, they want you to post family friendly stuff like fat cyclist does...

what next?

i still enjoy your posts.

broomie said...


That is the funniest thing I've heard all week.

Anonymous said...

hollywoodstuntman: Your handwriting analysis skills suck.

Just an Average Joe: Good luck shielding your kids from life. That probably seems easier than explaining it to them.

Philip Williamson said...

Who the golly gosh darn heck has a wife and kids who would give a diddly-darn about bike-themed insider humor?
The only aspects of BikeSnob's blog that would even remotely hold my family's attention would be poop jokes and frank discussions of sexuality, but there's just so much cycling arcana to wade through that it wouldn't be worth it for them.
Maybe if I paid them...

Anonymous said...

The bald black dude in the photo is the Mayor of Philadelphia. Is this some type of political movement designed to sway elections at some later date?

Bluenoser said...


In the safe cycling video did you notice the sun shining through the pie plate at the end?

I was brought to tears.


Anonymous said...

All you haters can trim my pantaloons!

il pirata said...

bike snob,

you notice Fred was out full force today in prospect park?

beautiful day in the city though, too bad i am in a xanax haze.

Becca said...

Hey Just an Average Joe,

Snobby could be funny without vulgar humor, although I personally wouldn't be as amused nor as likely to read him, but FC really isn't that funny, even if he did add in some toilet humor.

von mises said...

what i lover about dudes like amsterdamize and other euro the fatc that they even care what americans think. they think so lowly of us what with their progressive social communities and elite fashion...
oh yeah, i forgot, they NEED to sell bikes to us dumb american consumers. i forgot, we are the country with the largest credit debts...
so much for european socialism...

streepo said...

I shant shart in my shants

Anonymous said...

i was happy to see that "amazing trick shot" youtube video, i had the same one on my favorites from about a year ago along with other favorites such as "math vs. dose smack battle turned beat down" and the "chicago bulls theme song"...booyah

mikeweb said...

That BMX is humping the 3-speed on Lafayette right near Spring St.

It's good to see that despite the gentrification of SoHo, public bike sex can still be seen.

Tex said...

Is there really a significant number of people in NYC who think that doofus in the white suit with the chain over his shoulder looks cool?

My, you do have everything!

* said...

Wow! Awesome blog. I am going to favorite this one & head on back daily!

Rebecca said...

My friend is a bicyclist and I'm pretty sure he would love to read this. He's the only guy I ever known who's a bicyclist and doesn't have a car. Hard-core!

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