Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Owning Your Bike: All You Haters Hold the Mayo

(Manhattan storefront)

People don't like me. I'm not sure why this is, but I know it's true. I can see it in their eyes. Take this very morning, for instance. I was riding through downtown Manhattan, on a relatively quiet street, in a relatively empty bike lane, and to the best of my knowledge I was in compliance with every single local traffic law. (As far as I know there's no law against cycling in stockings and heels, even in December.) As I rode, I noticed that there was a pedestrian walking towards me carrying a bag full of take-out, right in the middle of the bike lane.

Sometimes in New York City, when the sidewalks are choked with humanity, a few errant souls will stray into the bike lane. It's almost unavoidable. In this case though there was plenty of room on the sidewalk--in fact it could just as easily have been a sidewalk on Main Street in Anytown, USA. (The sidewalks on Main Street in Anytown, USA are pretty empty now because of the economy.) Finally, he looked up at me, and I shrugged and pointed to the sidewalk.

"Shut up," he said to me disgustedly.

Frankly, I was shocked, and I don't shock easily. (Except when I drag my high heels along my shag carpet and then touch the doornob.) Firstly, I hadn't uttered a word, so I don't know why the "shut up" was even warranted. Secondly, try as I might, I could think of no good reason for why he would choose to walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk (which as I said was free from crowds) where his chances of being run down by a cyclist or motorist were significantly less.

It just so happens that this was one of those bright green bike lanes, so I thought that perhaps he just has a compulsion to walk on green surfaces. Maybe he's got a house full of green carpeting, and this makes him feel at home. Or maybe he pines for Anytown, USA and mistook the bike lane for grass. Eventually, though, I ruled these out, and decided it was because he, like everybody else, simply hates me on sight.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "You couldn't possibly be that objectionable. He just didn't like you because you were on a bike." Well, I don't buy that. Plenty of other people who ride bikes are popular. Moreover, people on bikes don't like me either. A reader recently confirmed this to me when he forwarded me a link to the "Cyclist Project," which is the work of a photographer called Marisabaz, and which you can peruse on her Flickr page. Here are some examples from it:

Wow, I'd been wondering why fixed-gear riders have so many tattoos! Now I know. I can relate, because I was once doored by the owner of a bagel shop. I didn't get any money out of the deal, but he did promise to keep me in day-old bialys for the rest of my life. Sure, I may never be regular again, but at least I'll never go hungry.



Yes, the guy with the scary eyes totally wasn't wearing contacts at all, was he? That's because he was a drug addict, and he was selling you a stolen bike in order to purchase more drugs. That would explain the scary eyes and $20 price tag. Welcome to New York City! I'm guessing you haven't been here long, because if you had: a) you would have realized that; and b) you would have held fast at $5. In a way though, it's sort of charming that one person's drug-addicted thief is another's Bike Fairy flitting about Williamsburg and selling cheap bikes. Did he look like the dad from "Alf?" I heard he's been having hard times, and it's entirely possible he's moved into freelance bike retail. (By the way, don't blame "Alf" dad for the "curse." There's no such thing as a curse, but there is such a thing as a crappy bike.)

Naivetee notwithstanding, I like the "Cycling Project." In fact, I like it so much I went ahead and made my own entry based on this not-safe-for-work link, forwarded to me by a reader:

"I ride a bike because I have an ample bosom and people pay me to straddle them in my underpants! XOXO, Sophie!"

Good for you, Sophie! No matter what you're straddling, keep the rubber side down.

So if you're wondering how the big bike love-in that is the "Cycling Project" managed to remind me that people don't like me, here's your answer:

As you may or may not know, way back in the middle of the summer I noticed this bike at the Harlem criterium and made an offhand remark. This upset the owner, so I attempted to explain myself. That, I had assumed, was that--until I saw that the owner is apparently still angry at me.

I mention this not to goad the owner, but only because I'm dismayed he's still angry and I want to assure him and the rest of cycledom that I have no designs on taking away anyone's "real bike joy." And perhaps worst of all, the anger he still feels towards me has contaminated what is otherwise a lovely project, so hopefully by reiterating my lack of malicious intent I can help air out any residual bitterness that still lays hidden in the folds of time. (As well as avoid any more clumsy metaphors.)

Of course, I shouldn't be surprised that he's still angry, since I did commit the unforgivable sin of Consumerist Political Incorrectness. In our culture, few acts are more sacred than that of the purchase. When you buy something, you're not just exchanging money for an item. You're actually performing a holy communion in which you become one with your possession and subsequently identify yourself with it, and as such your purchase speaks more loudly about you than your surname or your religion. It's no wonder then that people become upset when someone else implies they might not like or be impressed by something they've bought. When you're emotionally invested in your possessions an affront to them is also an affront to you. Thou shalt not disapprove of your neighbor's purchases.

For this reason, I endeavored to explore the Cult of BMC to learn what makes them special. To that end, I watched this video on their website. I must confess, I didn't learn much. The narrator just kept reminding me over and over again that the company is Swiss, which naturally means their bikes are built with precision. I'm not sure how much that means in 2008, since most of these bikes are now made in Taiwan anyway, and the only real difference between "Swiss precision" and "Italian soul" these days is that the guy who boxes up your bike in Switzerland shows up to work at 9:00, whereas the Italian guy shows up at 9:20-ish. Also, BMC design their bikes on computers (remember, precision), and they also command you to be unique:

Compulsory uniqueness aside, it's too bad computers can't feel pain, because if they could maybe they'd have told BMC's Swiss precision engineers that the top tube of their Cross Machine (over $3,000 for frame and fork) digs into your shoulder when you carry it. (Carrying your bike is an essential part of cyclocross.) In fact, the latest issue of Cyclocross magazine says, "it creates a sharp underside for shouldering, quite opposite of the common practice of flattening the tube for comfort on run-ups," and that the "pointy shape was uncomfortable enough to make me consider going back to my early days of 'cross and using a woman's shoulder pad under my jersey." But while the computer couldn't feel the pain, it could tell the engineers that those t-section carbon nanotubes were ever so slightly stiffer than simple round tubes. Also, the computer told them it would cost them a whole lot more money to change the shape of the top tube on the 'cross frame than it would to simply use the same ones they use for the road bikes. And that's precision you can feel--digging painfully into your collarbone.

But even though I don't particularly care for BMC's bikes, the owner of the one above shouldn't really care. First of all, he's got a track frame, not a 'cross frame. Secondly, anybody can buy a bike, but not everybody can own a bike. And when you own your bike, you really don't care what anybody thinks of it. So own that BMC, and I hope you rock and/or run it for years to come. (I think you "rock" a track bike when it's got risers, but you "run" it when it's got drops.)

Moving on, the proprietor of Zlogblog has sent me the following photos, in which the heretofore mutually-exclusive worlds of unorthodox handlebars and u-locks have collided with enough force to forever change the landscape of fixed-gear cycling as we know it:



That's right, you no longer have to carry your u-lock in your oversized messenger bag, rear pant pocket, or holster. With this revolutionary technique, the lock is now an integral part of your ride! Not only does it afford you additional hand positions, but you don't even have to remove it to lock the bicycle. (Though of course your lock will now only be as effective as your allen bolts.)

Then again, everybody knows that cutting-edge urban cyclists are now ditching locks altogether. Great Commuter Race champion Jamie Favaro has forwarded me the following photo, which proves that disease is the new theft-deterrent:

Unfortunately, though, this rider made a poor choice of diseases, since everybody also knows gratuitous insensitive AIDS references went out in like 1990 when that idiot from Skid Row rocked that t-shirt. If you're going to try this, at least use a different disease. My personal choice is botulism, since my own Ironic Orange Julius Bike is generally slathered in spoiled mayonnaise anyway. (Even if the thief is wise to the fact that it's only a misconception that spoiled mayonnaise causes food poisoning, funky mayo is still in itself a sufficient deterrent.)

So if some guy with scary eyes who looks like the dad from "Alf" tries to sell you a bike covered in mayonnaise for $20, you can safely assume it's mine. Even though he's taken it from me, I still own it.

86 comments:

Pavel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pavel said...

SMBC

Anonymous said...

me1st!

Mark said...

PODI UMHO'd!

Anonymous said...

WOOT! WOOT!

Anonymous said...

damn!

meh1st!

I suck at the podium thing

Anonymous said...

pod to tha ......pphhhhhfffffffft

Anonymous said...

Top Ten! Woot!

Anonymous said...

Tendium? suck em, haters

Anonymous said...

top ten
ayhsmb

Anonymous said...

Dagnabit!

Anonymous said...

hey guys, hows it going

Anonymous said...

i'm a lover, not a hater

Shiny Flu said...

I would bottle-jack that mini-u-lock just for kicks.... god damn idiots.

Anonymous said...

Bad news...as of last year, Cervelo is officially a swiss company. for those of you who have never visited this fine country, you will learn that the swiss are even hated by other Europeans, and that says a lot. Of course, they are neutral, which means they hold all the money out of prying eyes for fine people like the Nazis to Al Queada.

Ah, but BMC, the Swiss quality, too bad they have had numerous problems with frames breaking in the past, no doubt the fault of filthy, poorly bred foreigners.

Reminds me of that other bastion of Swiss quality, Rolex, ...you know, the $30,000 watch with $1200 worth of gold that is accurate to within minutes an hour, the other thing from Switzerland that can be replaced by something much better from Asia at a fraction of the cost.

The triangular top tube on the cross bike just screams for a $670 Assos top tube pad. FYI: the top tube is made out of delicious Toblerone chocolate, also triangular, and also explains some frame failures.

The things you learn from the comments on chickenshit bloggers.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! You gotta be kidding BMC! I can get farther into an OC video than that travesty you put up!

Swiss video production, now with the precision of Ipecac!

Anonymous said...

fantastic stuff

Strayhorn said...

When I glanced at the photo of the U-lock as handlebars, a blinding light went off over my head and a Voice announced: "You have now seen EVERYTHING."

I tried to argue with the Voice, saying I hadn't yet seen Scarlett Johanssen's bewbs. But the Voice was not to be argued with - but I assume I got off easy: I wasn't blinded so there's still a chance to see those knockers.

libertyonbikes! said...

"shut up!" threw you? c'mon the old ladydriving a benz in the parking lot threw me the finger- and SHE was going the wrong way. the finger or shut up, both are that warm fuzzy new york way of saying "hi, and have yourself a nice day". maybe you do need some
real knuckle tats, most tattoo shops also sell attitude - pick some of that up too. then when you stop at a light, kick the guy over, the one doing the trackstand.
Take over man! Be the terror - maybe you should practise making
some kind warrior-crazy face in the mirror.

oh, wait......
top twenty?

kale said...

Warraranted?

Anonymous said...

ATTI TUDE?

Anonymous said...

I haven't been able organize my thoughts on the whole consumerist thing...until now.
You just blew my mind.

anon1st!

Anonymous said...

Dear Penthouse Forum, I was doored by the owner of an Asian Massage Parlor and...

Anonymous said...

Yesterday syphilis, today AIDS and botulism, tommorrow bubonic plague. I can't wait!

libertyonbikes! said...

you need to perfect the 'look'.
and no zoolander shit. take it up a notch. beat them at their own game. offend first, apologize never. maybe a neck tattoo, that just screams 'i'm insane'. Clinger already has the Mauri face tat done, and RR's tattoo boy got booted - so he's probably crazy too!

Anonymous said...

The u-lock bar is old news here in New England.

It also works for riding hpsiter friends around.

To mount said lock insert into back pocket and sit with one ass cheek on lock as your friend rides you down the road.

leroy said...

Oh now BSNYC, I'm sure the hate you perceive is just a misunderstanding.

The take out toting pedestrian was just funning with you.

A friendly "shut up" is part of our provincial patois.

Remember the SNL skit "Good Morning Brooklyn"? Wikipedia (you seem to be big on Wikipedia today) describes it thusly:

Good Morning Brooklyn is a morning talk show hosted by Brooklynites who spoke in Italian American vernacular using heavy New York accents. Its hosts were James Barone (Jay Mohr) and Angela Tucci (played first by Sarah Jessica Parker, then by Courteney Cox). The two often got into shouting matches, yelling "Shut up!", "No, you shut up!" back and forth until they cut to a "Please Stand By" graphic.

As for the BMC rider, I'm sure that's just a slip of the pen. He obviously meant to write "chicken suit anonymous blogger" -- a salute to your sartorial proclivities and an embrace of your sagacious advice to keep riding, critiques notwithstanding.

No, BSNYC, the real hate (and it pains me to say this) comes from none other than controversial commentator, John Prolly.

Prolly is quoted in the comments to the BMC rider's Flickr page to which you link.

According to Prolly, he appreciates your humor, but "It's the bitch-ass commentators that rub me the wrong way."

So a few words for Mr. Prolly:

Honestly Jonathan, I think we've all been very nice to you, forgiving that whole unfortunate Rick Astley link and not questioning the wisdom of recruiting a septuagenarian politician to the Death Adder Racing Team.

But Jonathan, if something is rubbing you the wrong way, you might re-consider some of your fashion choices. Those girl jeans you've been wearing can't be comfortable.

Anonymous said...

..two years ago I was doored by an engineer specializing in internal calorimetry and fluid dynamics in semi-rigid synthetic polymer tubing. Now I get all my internal calorimetry and fluid dynamics in semi-rigid synthetic polymer tubing measurements done for free, for life. Can't tell you how much that has saved me over the last two years. Sometimes when life serves you lemons, you end up with lemon aid.

hillbilly said...

funny, i too reached the same conclusion for similar reasons. people hate me. i find it helps to sing 'all you haters suck my balls' to the tune of 'rock you like a hurricane'

Anonymous said...

oh shit.. I really hope I'm not rubbing Prolly in the right way.

Matt said...

Celeste + BMC = Vomit

hillbilly said...

that's how you actually get botulism

ice cube said...

'Cancer Kills Grandmothers Dead'

Anonymous said...

Maybe it was Michael Jackson who sold him the bike. Gosh, his eyes sure were scary in the "Thriller" music video.

kale said...

Oh... Warrented...

Anonymous said...

Dear God! The language is so, so thick.

I am truly exhausted form reading that. Don't ask me to explain why, it might kill me. And who can go up against diction like that. What's wrong with, "A rude guy was walking where you wouldn't expect one to walk." or better yet, leave that meanering and trivial nonsense out all together.

"Shut up" is a figure of speech and has often been used against me in anticipation of possible verbage (pant, pant)

For instance, my buddy just removed his hand from a jar lof liver he thought was cookies. I, stoic as I always am, brush his shoulder as me mutters, "shut up" in passing out of the room.

But what would warrant such a phrase? God only knows.

I think I saw "compulsion to walk on green surfaces" on The Dog Whisperer. You've got to be the pack leader. Obviously, you aren't stoic enough.

Right, space to fill. Mah bad brah.

P.S. Your explanation for criticizing the BMC was dumb and smells of desperation. O'Reilly-esque even. Maybe you could help him hock his cologne or cheese knife or whatever he is selling this week.

Anonymous said...

I thought the heels remarks might throw this off, but apparently not.

moonshiner said...

you basturds $20 bikes are not sold by junkies alone, but by apartment care takers who clean out storage lockers, that's the scary eye guy from silence of the lambs fame..

bikesgonewild said...

..."the only real difference between "Swiss precision" and "Italian soul" these days is that the guy who boxes up your bike in Switzerland shows up to work at 9:00, whereas the Italian guy shows up at 9:20-ish."...beauty & truth in that...& precisely (poor word choice on my part) why i prefer to ride "italia"...

...leroy nailed it about the "chicken suit" comment...no love gained but no love lost, oh paranoid bsnyc/rtms...it's their warhol-esque 15 minutes of fame (but it's probably like 3 min, in this day & age)...

...& when everyone thinks yer dragging yer high heels on these "recesses" & "snob-baticals", i now figure yer gettin' a little bike work done at the mayo clinic...

Anonymous said...

commiecanuk, i own a BMC Pro Machine, but hadn't heard of, or experienced, the frame problems you speak/ write of (i *owned* my bike until i heard that, now i'm not so sure). please give me more info before i kill myself...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:42pm,

You mean I went from 53% woman to 87% man in a matter of weeks?!?

Anon 2:11,

You so love me.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Does BMC have a penny farthing model coming out for 2009?

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, leroy...told ya snob's getting paranoid...

...he's responding to anon 2:11..."as if" he (she ???) has "something" to say...
...but at least the response is equitable...

...just sayin'...

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

The first time I came across "run it" was in 81' when these eight graders got on the bus and said "yo' run those pumas". Those days if you got vict (as in victimized)you ran your nameplate, walkman, gazelles maybe even your british knights, whatever. I hate when posing hipsters misuse colloquialisms.

If I do see that BMC , he'll have to run that frame, stealing is wrong unless its a BMC from a thin skinned punk.

Anonymous said...

anon 3:45

"BMC has announced that it has temporarily dropped the all-carbon fibre Team Elite 01 hardtail mountain bike frame from its 2008 range. The Swiss company has not specified exact reasons behind its decision, but did state that it was having difficulties meeting its rigorous quality standards tests during the latest production run."

Or, the frames kept busting.

hillbilly said...

i just saw the mauve/plaid partymobile at 64th and york!!!

wait a minute, maybe it's following me, from the park near my apt to here where i work...coincidence?

Anonymous said...

great post snob, much laughing out loud thanks!

all you haters maybe look up anon 2:11, seems like he could use a little love.
"poor kitty, want a kick?"

kale said...

Polygraf-
Don't worry, that BMC has had enough top-tube teabagging done to it by now that should smell reminiscent of Snob's MIOJB.

I believe the frame is now part CRABon.

Anonymous said...

thanks commiecanuk. looks like my pro machine is safe. it ROCKS, by the way. and i'll be upgrading to super record 11 for next year. all you haters suck my balls!

Matthew Ruscigno said...

There was this Cuban guy in my old neighborhood that had a baseball jammed onto the fork, eliminating the bars and the stem. He was always in an awkward half-sideways position and pointing at things and people when he rode.

hillbilly said...

i think it would be illuminating and wildly entertaining to hear what repairs einstein #2 attempted

Anonymous said...

Slidin' in to home.

(i)

Anonymous said...


This guy?

Anonymous said...

I should have remembered to run my *blush this morning.

'81 HA! No one was alive then, let alone using colloquialisms.

Anonymous said...

Bill...
Here's how wheel truing is done with a fork and some toothpaste... doh! doh! doh!

Then they're ridden... 200$ later

Scott said...

Isn't it kind of a bad thing when your bike goes faster than you do?

Cameron said...

If BMC is sooo precision, they certainly aren't spending their precision on that clunky ass website.

Bluenoser said...

No wonder the economy is going to hell. Take out in the morning?

-B

Anonymous said...

that chick straddling the bike is hot hot hot!!!! The only problem I see is her artificially inflated lower lip looks sort of chimpanze'esq.
Which means I'd have to dump her in 5-10 years if this deformity becomes more pronounced..

Anonymous said...

What a whinging bitch the BMC guy is. Bad, fixie karma coming your way buddy.

Tattoos for life sounds great.. but I'm going to be cruising past every brothel I can find, in the hope of getting myself doored by one their lovely ladies !

Anonymous said...

Be careful...

Don't go all DrunkCyclist on us.

Keep it sepia... it will probably pay off in thte long run

Critical Ass said...

Snob,

The blog where the retardate installed a Kryptonite lock as handlebars is called the Zlogblog, not the Zogblog. ZOG is an acronym used by paranoid Waco/Ruby Ridge types and it stands for Zionist Occupied Government. As an ultra-Orthodox Hasid, I thought you would catch that.

Courtney Hilton said...

The Ulock is awesome! Or something..
This gives the BFG (brakeless Fixed Gear) a handlebar mounted brake you take the u part off and toss it in the spokes if you need an emergancy stop.. so if you need to be "hardcore" and ride one of these you need to remove the front wheel so the bike is truely brakeless...

Anonymous said...

Ahaha, you mocking the BMC retard was the biggest thing that ever happened to him, so of COURSE he's going to milk it.

Make a shirt that says "BSNYC Mocked Me!" and you're assured at least one sale.

nathan said...

i think you misused nonplussed
<nelson>ha ha</nelson>

also the holiday edition of the performance catalog mentions the pistadex in one of its product descriptions!

Anonymous said...

http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/first-look-specialized-langster-ny-19511

nice..NOT!

roscoe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
djaniquinn said...

If life gives you lemons...
you'll get lemon AIDS...

djaniquinn said...

If life gives you lemons...
you'll get lemon AIDS...

Anonymous said...

what kind of dorks type "me first" in the comments section just to be first in the comments section? Is there a prize or do you just end up looking like a prize twat?


Anyway, BSNYC, your spelling is letting the team down too, man. Can't you run it past a sub-ed at the local rag at least?

Anonymous said...

"...you should'nt be ashamed to have nice things." -- John Prolly

Anonymous said...

Haw haw! That Yankster gots break's on it!

Anonymous said...

Nice.
Sometimes you remind me of Alfred E. Neuman--must be a NYC thing.
Go ahead and have a bagel.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, I think you helped that guy love his bike more profoundly than he could have ever imagined and he basically resented that he couldn't find that path without you. You're like a divining rod guiding all of us to deeper velo-consciousness.

I really don't think factory produced mayonaise can spoil. I've carried around tuna and mayo sandwiches from morning to afternoon in the middle of New York August heat waves and have never had any post-consumption complications. I actually prefer name brand supermarket mayo over homemade mayo. It has a slightly more gelatinous quality and I love spooning out the first wedge of pristine quivering white after sweating over mayo-saving spatula extractions of the final yellowing streaks from the old jar. In fact, I love this brand so much that at times I have found that the mayo in the salad hasn't lubed the tuna enough and I spread some on the bread.

Anonymous said...

Botulism? Everybody knows the Hantavirus is the new AIDS.

streepo said...

PRIZ TWAT

Anonymous said...

Re: The fucktard in the bike lane. I used to have that problem alot. Started wearing my elbow armor and took a few good shots. Realized I was too close to the target, so switched to a collapsible baton. Problem solved.
Most definitely don't go Drunkcyclist; a once proud blog that is rapidly circling the bowl.

Anonymous said...

screw bike lane pedestrians, unless they are built to not ride bikes, I suppose there is no fat person lane..

KanyonKris said...

U-lock aerobars - these hipsters are geniuses! I smell a new collabo: Tri-Alley Cats

Anonymous said...

Screw BMC man, Snobby.

If it weren't for BMC fixies...there would be no need for BSNYC.

Wait...without BSNYC, what would we have to do?

Love BMC man, Snobby!

Critical Ass said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

BS, stop trying to confuse the gender analyzer! We all know you’re a dude. I cite as evidence the video from your 9/17/08 post, “This just in: BSNYC wins a race.” At around the 2:10 mark of the video, the person communicating to the car driver by phone clearly says: “yo, he just got here.” This he is you. Busted.
http://www.0-60mag.com/online/?p=5300

Steve said...

you r going on my follow list. this blog is the exact antithesis of my blog. it is so different it is entertaining. chk out where i ride at
methow-cycling.blogspot.com
you will be shocked that people live and ride like this.
ciao,

Steve

Anonymous said...

Fortunately for Marisabaz she is an artstudent. Which gives her a certain entitlement for plagiarism.

But Sophie made my day.

Chapeau!

Anonymous said...

"Thou shalt not disapprove of your neighbor's purchases""

Consumerism and its connection to social identity, along with RoscoeNYC's BMC fixie, all may just be at the intersection of what ails NY'ers today, but to read the above quote on this blog smacks of a sales job. I mean, how innocent a pretense can you possibly offer?

Isn't the pieplate really the empyrean indication of character broadcast, as told us by you, in so many ways?

When the other shoe falls, will you be introducing a companion item to the BSNYC T-shirt?

Suggestions:

A: A scarf that does Rapha via Canal St.

B: A fur fixie pad (that you'll offer via Rapha?)

C: A smarm-laced BSNYC paperback novella with a Mad style orderform for the above items in the back.


Danny

Anonymous said...

nice article. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one know that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.