Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: The Dignity of Attending a Press Conference

If you're in New York City, you may have noticed a bunch of black SUVs with police escorts around the Sheraton Hotel on 53rd and 7th this morning. This was due to the Clinton Global Initiative, at which a group of dignitaries and world leaders (and Bono) gathered to, as far as I can tell, solve the problems of the world.

Ordinarily I wouldn't be concerned with a gathering like this since it doesn't really fall under my purview, which is cycling and making fun of it. But it just so happens that this was the place where Lance Armstrong (the Bono of cycling) would be announcing the details of his return to professional cycling. So I figured I might as well attend.

I weaved through thicker-than-usual traffic, arrived at the Sheraton and fastened the Ironic Orange Julius Bike to a nearby pole as securely as possible.



Affixing my press credentials to my pants (fortunately I was wearing pants) I ran the secret service gauntlet, the metal-detection gauntlet, and the temptingly sticky pastry platter gauntlet.


I then entered a plush, carpeted room which I was warned would soon be filled to capacity. I took a seat at the front (in case Lance did any magic tricks, I was hoping he'd pick me as a volunteer) and passed the time watching the Clinton Global Initiative proceedings on the video screens at the front of the room.



Bono talked a lot about starving children, which made me feel really guilty about not eating anything from the pastry platters. (I made a mental note to eat a danish for the impoverished peoples of the world on my way out.)



By the time Al Gore started speaking, I felt acutely aware of my growing need to relieve myself. However, I was reluctant to leave my seat in the increasingly crowded room lest it be taken. I'd like to believe there's a "siblinghood of journalists" and that they'd save my chair, but firstly, I'm not a journalist, and secondly, this was a shifty-looking bunch. Nonetheless, I put my bag on my seat and hit the head. If you're wondering what the urinals at the Sheraton look like, here they are:


I returned to my seat, which was fortunately still mine, and alternated between staring at the video screens and staring at my feet. (Despite the fact a cyclist was about to speak, I was the only person in the room with clipless-compatible shoes.)


At this point the room was full, and anything with a lens was trained at the podium in anticipation of Armstrong's entrance.



Armstrong was introduced by Doug Ulman, the President of LiveStrong, who is the guy in the yellow tie. Doug is flanked by John Seffrin, the CEO of the American Cancer Society on his left, and by Taylor "Mini" Phinney on his right. On the far left is Dr. Don Catlin. Lance Armstrong is the guy at the podium gesticulating meaningfully.



Armstrong's comments were very straightforward, and I'm sure you'll be reading them on various other blogs, websites, and periodicals in the coming days. Basically, he said that Leadville reminded him how much he enjoys spending hours at a time on a bike, and that he's returning to the sport to implement his global cancer awareness strategy. His number one goal, he emphasized, is the message. He also said that he'll ride for Astana (which was a tremendous disappointment to me, as I was hoping Mellow Johnny's was about to become the world's wealthiest shop team) and that the races he'll definitely be doing at this point are the Tour Down Under, the Tour de France, and of course, the Leadville 100. (Which, as far as I know, will make him the first-ever cyclist to use the Tour as a training race for Leadville.) He also called 18-year old Taylor Phinney the "future of American cycling," though he failed to comment on his more-than-passing resemblance to Andy Samberg from SNL. (Here's what Phinney looked like as Armstrong anointed him):


Speaking of people who look like people, that Dr. Catlin guy who looks like Carl Reiner on the left is the guy who will be testing Armstrong constantly for performance-enhancing drugs. Word is that absolutely nothing gets past this guy, and that he can't be bought. (I'd have to say this appears to be the case, as he wouldn't sign the photo of Carl Reiner I always carry with me in my wallet, even after I offered him ten bucks.) Armstrong said this will be the most intense testing program ever ("suck on that, Vaughters," he failed to add), and that he will "do whatever [Catlin] asks me." (I observed this to be true immediately after the press conference, when Catlin sent Armstrong to a nearby deli for a corned beef sandwich.)

By the way, if you're wondering who's paying Catlin, it's Astana. Meanwhile, Armstrong is riding for free. I find it interesting that cycling has reached a point where the world's most famous cyclist must ride gratis while a doctor whose sole job is to look for drugs is receiving what I would guess is a pretty substantial salary.

Essentially, though, Armstrong summarized, his return to professional cycling is centered around: 1) spreading the LiveStrong message; 2) developing the sport (through a U23 team which Phinney will lead and which Axel Merckx will direct); and, 3) being the anti-dopingest and most tested rider in the known universe.

Then came the questions, fastly and furiously. Here's what journalists look like while they formulate questions:



And here's the mess they leave behind them when Lance Armstrong finishes answering their questions, leaves amidst the sound of camera shutters (I didn't even know cameras still had shutters) and they depart en masse:



I've not written much (or really anything) about Lance Armstrong's comeback up until now, mostly because so many other people are too and I don't like to do what everybody else is doing. However, as I've often said, cycling is rife with irony. And one of the most ironic things about cycling is that cyclists hate winners. (Even I have said that "winning is for dopers sandbaggers," though that's only because I never win.) I suppose this is why Armstrong's comeback has been met with so much skepticism in the cycling world. I mean, everybody knows he cheated, right?

Well, as I said, I don't like to do what everybody else is doing. I would, however, like to thank the cycling press for getting me into this press conference. Of course, as much as I'd like to, I can't, because they didn't.

I suppose that's because I don't like to do what everybody else is doing.

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whatevs.

Anonymous said...

ALL YOU HATERS SUCK MY BALLS!

Mark said...

I am a podium whore!

Brianne said...

Always a bridesmaid...

Anonymous said...

bang

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

I'm on the podium with a -1 hour time zone handicap.

Anonymous said...

ho-dad!

Scott said...

"Ironic Orange Julius Bike"

Are you sure you didn't mean the "Iconic Orange Julius Bike"?

kale said...

bikesgonewild:

"...ant1...undoubtedly having cocktails w/ lance, bill clinton, mayor bloomberg, bono, al gore & the gang, after the clinton global initiative annual meeting..."

Wha? good call.

Anonymous said...

julich!

Anonymous said...

Did Armstrong cheat? I can't remember the specifics because I never really gave a shit at the time

Anonymous said...

Aren't your feet rather small?

Unknown said...

Too many spelling errors. I deplore such haste.

Anonymous said...

Top Ten (?)

ant1 said...

Much better coverage of the event than I've seen anywhere else. You may not be "a journalists" , but these days that's probably a compliment.

Anonymous said...

I have those same shoes, except that mine are blue. I got them from my second favorite bike shop: ebay.

kale said...

I have those same shoes. Except they're Shimano, and dirtier.

Anonymous said...

Yawn!!

Anonymous said...

I would have finished with a better position were it not for weather conditions, the slowness of my connection, and the fact that others were faster than me.

Anonymous said...

Great coverage of an otherwise boring event. I hate when people leave trash at their seats! Lazy forkin slobs! Thanks Snob!

genersal lsmenedd said...

good thing the room had such plush carpetiing, lest your sidis clicky clicky on the way to the toilet.

also, not sure how i feel about sting and bono making appearances on the blog this week.

also, i agree. the infestation of the prius must be quashed as soon as is feasible.

Anonymous said...

Damn.

Catch you later, snob.

Anonymous said...

Are those urine samples in the left-behind cups?

Judging by the other reports in the two-wheeled press, those tests were failed spectacularly.

Prediction: Once Lance joins, Contador and Levi go to separate teams. All three get beaten by a lucky upstart in July due to a freak breakaway.

ant1 said...

So snobby, you off to Vegas tomorow?

Anonymous said...

Did you fall asleep??

Oh, your shoes look dirty.

kale said...

Damn, there really isn't anything else worth reading in the major press about that event. Other than Gore trying to overthrow the government or something.

Anonymous said...

I finished 20ish, but I'm the least dopiest rider here, and I'm waiting on the doping results.

Thank god for Lance, before his comeback for cancer awareness, I never ever heard of cancer, and when I read about it for the first time on Velonews, I almost spat out my cigarette and chewing tobacco while sitting in my tanning bed cuddled with a warm spent nuclear fuel rod.

Clearly, my habits have to change, or those stupid scientists better come up with a pill. I'm betting on science.

It's great to see Bono out campaigning for poverty, encouraging people to spend their money to solve the problem, but not his money of course, even though U2 is the largest corporation in Ireland. Like a good catholic, he's addressing the problems of the world by public education campaigns -the catholic church has been so good at this in the third world, you know, between the diddling.

I see great things coming from Bono and Lance, I'm keeping my emerging third eye on them.

In a related story, according to Velonews, Floyd Landis is making a comeback to promote awareness for chronic kid-rock-look-alike douchebag's disease. KRLADD can be wiped out in our lifetime.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention that Lance said he was going to ride the "All you haters suck my balls" wheelset.

Anonymous said...

sad...

Kid rock.

floyd Landis

ant1 said...

Commie - well said. I'm pretty sure the whole world is aware of cancer, at least the parts of the world where life expectancy exceeds 25 years. The type of awareness the world is short on, however, is Lance awareness. Since 2005, the WLAF (world lance awareness factor) has drastically declined each year. Something must be done, and since our worthless politicians are not taking the initiative (they have bigger things to ignore right now), Lance will just have to do it himself.

AnnaZed said...

Lance Armstrong (the Bono of cycling)

Snerk!


And Floyd! (dude is so classy).

Anonymous said...

ant1 said...

Something must be done, and since our worthless politicians are not taking the initiative (they have bigger things to ignore right now), Lance will just have to do it himself.

This also works if you replace "Lance" with "Warren Buffet".

Luck E. 7 said...

Dig the dirty Bullets.


A

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Warren, when you buy Goldman Sachs for $5 Billion, how many air miles do you get with that?

Anonymous said...

so is that Williamsburg/Greenpoint condominium construction zone dust on your shoes or cyclocross dust?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wade,

A melange of CX and MTB.

--RTMS

kale said...

woah full circle with the Dune ref.

flip phillips said...

Mini Phinney - comedy gold

ant1 said...

Commie - From what I've read on the Buffett/Goldman deal, it wasn't done out of philanthropy. He's going to make himself a nice chunk of change off the deal.

Anonymous said...

Snobby if ever there was an occasion for the kitten heels. I'm a little disappointed.

At least your jeans looked clean.

ant1 said...

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. I'm just pissed it's not me making that money.

urchin said...

From now on, I will be known as Nonplussed Journalist Looking Straight at BikeSnob

--NJLSABS

Chunk said...

Please tell me you're jetting with Lance to Interbike. If you are all get you a beer and/or an escort.

kale said...

NJLSABS-

I just choked on my Nicorette.

Anonymous said...

mini phinney - hahahaha, you might wanna trademark that.

Mark said...

I wonder what the impact of the current financial crisis will have on the Pistadex? Looks like those Wall Streeters won't be able to afford those $6K - $10K bikes anymore and start shopping on CList for more affordable rigs, now that their extravagant salaries will be diminished. Could this finally be the Apocalypse?

Anonymous said...

mark-

With my knowledge of our market system I could foresee a spike in the demand for lower priced bikes, i.e. Pistas, IRO, Fuji, that have a high trendyness factor. As the market is inundated with expensive Italian carbon, there will be a struggle to dump these high value commodities in a rush to the next big thing. Refer to the crash following the Dotcom boom, where the exuberant excesses created a marked decline in service based stocks. Look to hold on to whatever blue chips you have, and buy the carbon bikes which will be considered "vintage" in 20 or so years by the same people who sold them in the first place.

bikesgonewild said...

...kale...he might be slumming in sidi's but he's hob (s)nobbing w/ the stars...

..."care for more dom perignon, rtms ???"..

..."oh, thanks mayor bloomberg, that stuff goes down great w/ the polar bear pate' & the grilled spotted owl"...

...ah yes...when you run in exclusive circles, you share in the bounty...

Anonymous said...

Mark, Mark, Mark, haven't you learned anything from the last week? You don;t buy the whole pista, you buy 5%, say a crank arm, then sell the rest on paper to someone else for a profit. What could go wrong?

as for NJLSABS, what the hell was Andre Leon Talley doing there? Snobbie, you've arrived with the NY fashonistas. You go girl.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Donut,

They've actually been calling him Mini Phinney for awhile--I certainly can't take credit for it.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

I can't wait until Olympiczz 2k12.

erik k said...

I still can't figure out how you were able to get press credentials, you've got many tricks up your sleeve. Also Seeing as Lance could be reading this isn't it possible that he could now know your yure identity based on the angle of the photograph taken while you were sitting in the front row?

Anonymous said...

Commiecanuk,
is that Charlie Sheen one row back?!
All the stars come out for LA!

Luck E. 7 said...

Good point, Erik. Lance might put it together that Snob was that same drunk guy in Austin who gave him the Mellow Johnny hat signed by Michael Ball.


A

Anonymous said...

Is that dirt on your SIDIs leftover from "The Rumble in the Jungle" race last weekend?

ant1 said...

Erik - I think Snobby is a way more important character than we know him to be. He masquerades as a no-name cycling blogger, but his "day job" must be some senior position in some big important firm or organization with all sort of connections throughout the cycling world. This blog is how he is able to escape his official capacity, like "unnamed sources" who aren't allowed to comment but still do. That or he's sleeping with Lance.

kale said...

This will be like in the Dark Knight when Harvey Dent says he's batman, but it's really not him and someone else says they're bikesnobnyc and he's just really trying to save the real bikesnobnyc from revealing his secret identity and then the fake bikesnob gets doored by a cab and bends their brake lever and then the bike looks like Two Face's face, but not as bad, then the fake bikesnob gets mad and starts to go after Bruc... i mean bikesnob.

Anonymous said...

RTMS is commenting again!

I also wear Sidi Bullet shoes, and my roadie friends always make fun of my SPD cleats. Those haters can suck my balls though.

Anonymous said...

All you haters let me suck your balls.

travis said...

those look like expensive raw denimz you are wearing. are they the cycling denim from selfedge?

ice cube said...

Snobby,

You are desperate to be seen! There are some of us here on the blog who take little clues like these to unmask our wordsmith.

Anonymous said...

I think BSNYC must own a car. He has to have a car to fully engage in all of the organized and recreational cycling options that he/she alludes to. Further proof is his/her obvious disdain for re-imagining parking spaces for public purposes, e.g., meditation, tea drinking, whimsy, etc., other than motor vehicle parking. Is it assumed/known that BSNYC is male? Did I miss something? I just realized now how many times I've found myself zoning out in front of my work station while thinking of fondling BSNYC, not as a he or she, but some kind of androgynous muscular waif, a grimy enigma, as he/she unvelcros his/her dirty cycling shoes with her/his gritty fingers after experiencing a whole new world of pain after a race...

Anonymous said...

All you dopers suck my ball!

Anonymous said...

Nothing comes between Snob/RTMS and his Rock and Republic jeans?

Anonymous said...

hey bike snob.

i'm the journo in the pic formulating a question. NOW I know who YOU are..

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wade,

Whatever my gender, you'll note from the post that apparently I use urinals.

--RTMS

Daddo said...

Wrong web site, wade

KanyonKris said...

Snob, I'm impressed by what you'll do for your readers. Any yokel can point a camera at a celeb, but it takes a real intrepid newshound to take photos of the danish cart, the restroom and turn the camera back on the reporters. Keep keeping it real (funny).

Unknown said...

Gee, thanks. Now I'm going to have to buy new shoes, because everyone knows I'm you.

urchin said...

No, I'm the journo in the pic, and I clearly don't know or care who you are. Down in front. Who lets these scruffy types in here anyway?

Anonymous said...

The urinals could be a clever ploy to disguise your gender...

AnnaZed said...

Wade ~ Somewhere on here (you'll have to just read every post ~ most of us have, twice) you can hear RTMS on a radio show, or webcast or something. Those of us who have heard it know that not only is BSNY male, he is Woody Allen.

Anonymous said...

Snob, I am a huge fan of your writing...however, after getting an inadvertent look at your fingernails and cycling shoes through self-published photos, I conclude that you are nowhere near as committed to grooming and hygene as you are to your art.
I will leave it for someone more familiar with the collected works of Sigmund Freud than I to determine the subliminal significance of both aforesaid photos having been taken in the presence of Lance Armstrong.

Anonymous said...

http://www.rocbike.com/2007/11/05/the-rocbike-review-4-bike-snob-nyc/

bikesgonewild said...

...wade...i believe that gerchof sirdribeldik was raised in russia's urinal mountains...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:55pm,

"Art" and "hygiene" don't go together. And Lance is a bike racer--he doesn't mind some dirty cycling shoes (or cyclists) in the front row.

--RTMS

bikesgonewild said...

...& apropos of little but the fact he was featured & ripped in yesterday's post while wearing his winged dune jockstrap, sting & his dis-functional band mates wheeled away 115 million buck$ between last summer & this summer, as the highest paid rockers in the biz...

...'it's good to be the sting'...

Anonymous said...

Snob, Lance probably doesn't mind, but then again, he employs 15 burly Belgians at unconcionable expense just to polish his cycling shoes and rub chamios creme into his cycling shorts (presumably BEFORE he puts them on).

kale said...

I got this picture of BSNY from a buddy. Apparently he was a presenter at the conference today.

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, kale...you're taking over the mantle of the very creative (but not often posting these days) erik k...

...those made by rudy project, perchance ???...

Ronsonic said...

All you suckers hate my balls.

Anonymous said...

Remember Frilly I suffered that day hauling arse up stage 16. At least respect my dedication to the task. And if you think I am invading your space, be it cyber, , think about having a little whiney weasel two inches off your wheel, in your shadow, sharing masseuse beds, breakfasts, Silence Lotto soxs, bus trips etc Just can’t shake the little thing

Anonymous said...

BS - can't you at least give me a warning next time you are going to be in my hood. I spent the whole day underwriting bad mortgages and would much rather have liked to chill with y'all.

Anonymous said...

In home country we know man who not afraid to grab reins of power and force people to do right thing. We have Putin. You have Gore. We like Gore. He has strikers eyes (reference to futbol).

Anonymous said...

Just struck me…. Is Bono the love child sporn of Sonny and Cher… about the right age and as relevant. As for a magic trick I would like to see ,” Watch me pull a clean sample out of my cod piece/ spandex pants” Keep getting Bullwinkle flashback on that.Given Mellow J announced that his royal special-ness is going to ride the Tour Down Under, I will be camping my deck chair out there now and bolting it to the pavement so to avoid disappointment. Hope he signs my AYHSMB rim

Anonymous said...

Some journalist you are BSNYC.

Honestly, you missed a golden opportunity to ask the burning question the main stream cycling media is afraid to ask: Does Lance wear the hat you gave him with Michael Ball's autograph or does it reside in a glass enclossed trophy case in an Austin LBS?

Let the rest of the guttersnipes pettifog about celebrity doping. That's as old as whether a mandatory testing regimen could have saved Elvis, notwithstanding the fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches.

You're better than that.

You could have asked Lance if he's ever been attacked by a goose.

You could have asked Lance to guess how old your SIDIs are.

You could have asked if he has ever seen a fixed gear with a pie plate.

You could have asked: baggy jerseys -- fashion forward or ultimate dorkitude?

You could have asked Lance if he's met Fat Cyclist Elden Nelson and, if so, what's he like.

Heck, you could have asked Lance if the Olsen girl he dated has a sister he could set you up with.

Burning questions all. And ones that inquiring minds want to know.

Yeesh. I picked the wrong week to go out of town. You could have used some support.

Anonymous said...

is it weird that now that lance is back and with astana i really really want one of those "let levi ride" t-shirts?

Unknown said...

Armstrong hardly needed to say "Suck on that, Vaughters" -- Astana had already pinched the Mini Phinney. Disappointing, but not entirely surprising.

bikesgonewild said...

...thank the great spirit of tommy simpson, leroy...yer back to yer old self...

...i was concerned & my vivid imagination was having runaway fantasies of, well gosh, i shouldn't really say...

...it did however, involve you, a box van, micheal ball's podium girls, three dwarves, a pair of handcuffs, a jar of vasoline, two geese, a restaurant size tin of peanut butter & a pair of roller skates...

...but i won't mention what it was about, lest you think i'm weird...

...just glad to see some substance back here...

Anonymous said...

Hey BGW I hope you are not advocating unsafe sexual practices given the presence of roller blades... hope you used knee pads

bikesgonewild said...

...hey...who said anything about sex...

...& that one was just about leroy...

...in my own fantasy, i'm training to race the tour as eddy merckx's faithful road lieutenant when he announces HIS comeback...

...& what would he be wanting to promote w/ a comeback ???...nothin'...he's just the baddest mofo ever to tighten the straps & don't you ferget it...

Anonymous said...

BGW --

You know that thing you call your vivd imagination?

Some folks call that Tuesday.

But back to my old self? Well, it has been kind of hectic recently.

I'll try to do better, but I can't promise nothin'.

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...you mean all that stuff i mentioned was actually somebody's life, like, just yesterday ???...

...wow !!!...i'd better get back to training...eddy might really call, huh ???...

...& molteni would be an appropriate sponsor again 'cuz at this age, eddy & i would both look like sausages, stuffed into those racing kits...

Anonymous said...

Leroy, the one question I always wanted to ask Lance is: "When the French are screaming at you from the side of the road as you pass, do they pronounce it "dope" or "do-pay"?"

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx --

I believe the French hire one of the Snow Whites slower dwarves from Euro Disney to teach them the correct pronunciation.

BGW -- as any French man will tell you, Dopey does not work Tuesdays.

But here's what I don't get. How can a culture that venerates Jerry Lewis complain that someone else is doping?

How do you say equitable estoppel in French?

Anonymous said...

Sorry, they weren't shutters, just digital cameras with .wav files of shutters.

Hey, I have the Snob Model SIDI's... but with more fake dirt.

bikesgonewild said...

...whenever i start to get too enamored of anything 'la francais', that jerry lewis/ comedic genius/ french veneration thingy pops up in my mind & i immediately get a clearer perspective...

Anonymous said...

In Soviet Russia, balls suck YOU!.

Bluenoser said...

100

-B

streepo said...

last

Luck E. 7 said...

BGW-

Not to ride your wheel with Leroy, but that WAS my Tuesday! However, like you say, it had nothing to do with sex. More of an 'asylum run by the inmates' thang, actually. You'd be surprised by the items needed to stage a coup de main at a city council meeting. The most effective ploys involve the premise, "A man walks into a bar with . . .(add your list here)."


A

db said...

That picture of the press kills me, as a formerly nonplussed journalist.

Anonymous said...

I had never heard of this "cancer" thing until Lance's press conference. Now I guess it's time to sit up and take notice.

Anonymous said...

That look from the journo was not non-plussed, it was stone cold fear, it was taken the exact second he recognized and realized, "...oh god, I have seen the BSNYC in real life."

His lifeless body was found in an alleyway hours later.

Anonymous said...

Commie, told you he was an axe murderer.

Anonymous said...

Handcuffs & vaseline? Cheri, sounds like my kind of get together. Perhaps a little Hershey's chocolate syrup to go w/the peanut butter.

Meow!

Anonymous said...

oh shit. I'm on Atkins.

Anonymous said...

Fatcyclist comes back from his trip with a bunch of photos of booth girls... you bring us a bunch of old, bored-looking reporters? Tsk, tsk.

Anonymous said...

The paragraph between the photo of the urinals and the photo of your dirty shoes:

"starting" should be "staring"