Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Into Thick Air: Dealing With the Smog in Beijing


If you haven’t heard by now, some USA Olympic track cyclists have caused a bit of a stir by arriving in Beijing wearing masks. They’re not the only cyclists who are taking measures against the poor air quality in the host nation, however. In my imagination, I interviewed some other cyclists to find out how they were coping with the smog:

Levi Leipheimer

“I’m breathing comfortably through the collar of my ‘Let Levi Ride’ t-shirt. I’m also pawing desperately at the ‘Let Levi Finish’ charm in my pocket. I don’t want to DNF like I did in ’04.”

George Hincapie

“Fortunately, the Hincapie Sportswear Performer chamois also has excellent air filtration qualities,” said Hincapie, who spoke through the crotch of a pair of bibshorts tied to his head like a feedbag. “I mean, the air is filthy here! I’m choking worse than I did at Roubaix!”

Christian Vande Velde

“I’d hate to offend the host nation,” said Vande Velde. “So I’m just going to surreptitiously breathe through this delicious Chipotle burrito the whole time I’m here. As far as anybody can tell, I’m just eating. This way, my lungs stay pink, the Chinese save face, and my sponsor stays happy.”

Jason McCartney

“Unlike the track squad, I did my homework and studied how Beijing residents cope with the poor air quality. Apparently, most of them breathe through small white paper cylinders filled with burning tobacco. So that’s what I’m doing, and it’s working great. I may actually keep this up when I return to the States!”

Cadel Evans

Cadel Evans refused to be interviewed, but rumor has it he’s been breathing through the stuffed kangaroo he received in the final Tour de France podium ceremony on the Champs Elysees. According to a source, this isn’t the first time the kangaroo has come in handy. He apparently cuddled with it that night in Paris as he cried himself to sleep, and he also used it in a French court during his civil suit against that groping journalist in order to illustrate the “bad touch” that very well may have cost him the Maillot Jaune. The source also added out of nowhere that Cadel’s excuse was bothering him but shouldn’t be a factor in the race. Oh, sorry, that should have read “knee” and not “excuse.”

Tom Boonen

Tom Boonen will not race in the Olympics this year, but just as a precaution he’s been breathing entirely through his nose.

USA Olympic BMX Team

“We’ve put special antimicrobial screens in all our bongs,” explained a coach. “This should help Team USA put the ‘Metal!’ back in ‘medal.’”

USA Olympic Triathlon Team

“We’re not worried about the air so much as the water for the swim leg,” said one competitor. “The Chinese apparently moved some factories in order to improve air quality for the Games, and according to Google Maps, until about two weeks ago the place where we’ll be swimming was a mercury plant. We’ll be wearing full radiation suits as a precaution.”

Vladimir Karpets

“I’ll be breathing through the facemask of a Fortynine Sixteen Outlaw Hoodie, as well as through the neck curtain of my own mullet.”


Of course, while the athletes are taking the heat for offending the host nation, the athletes themselves claim they are simply following the advice of the United States Olympic Committee. It also seems that USA Cycling may be partially to blame. In one of my many journalistic coups, I’ve obtained this fictional memo which USA Cycling sent to Olympic competitors:

Tips for Winning in Beijing

(Brought to you by USA Cycling and the editorial staff of “Bicycling” magazine.)

Every athlete dreams of Olympic gold. But when that gold is enshrouded in smog, you’ve got to take extra precautions. Here are five tips you can use to help you keep that edge:

1) A face mask alone may be insufficient to protect you from pollution. There are many items aboard your flight you can use as well. Pillows, sanitary napkins, and oxygen masks are just a few of the things you should consider stealing and breathing through during your stay.

2) Soot accumulates in small crevices and can compromise aerodynamics. Using a cotton swab, be sure to clean out bolt fittings, aero rim dimples, and chin clefts before the main event.

3) The oversized headtube of the Specialized Tarmac SL2 will keep you on course with precision, and its proprietary integrated bottom bracket will help you apply power to the pavement, where you need it most. Buy it if: you dream of gold. Forget it if: the only “medaling” you do is in other people’s affairs.

4) Something from Chris Charmichael.

5) The poor air quality in Beijing can greatly compromise your performance. So you know those performance-enhancing drugs you’re not using? You may want to not use a whole lot more of them.

108 comments:

Anonymous said...

First!

Anonymous said...

looky, looky, who got cookie???

Anonymous said...

Of course the air in NYC today is so thick you can cut it with a spoon.

Problem is, it just makes the spoon all dirty.

Anonymous said...

wow, and I read the post!

Anonymous said...

top 5

Anonymous said...

go bucks!

Anonymous said...

i KNEW this one was gonna be about the us olympic team

specialrider said...

i wonder what kind of filter the Busty Legends models will put over their face?

Anonymous said...

They should be using a paper bag.

Anonymous said...

chin cleft...hilarious..
Go George..oh no catastrophic {insert component here} failure...

genersal lsmenedd said...

downgrade

Pappy said...

I foresee a rider strike on the biggest climb of the road race, with Bettini leading it until he decides to jump away.

Anonymous said...

First!

Anonymous said...

US BMX FTW2008!

Anonymous said...

The Specialized Tarmac doesn't feature lateral stiffness with vertical compliance?

Anonymous said...

The mistake was the color of the mask. A white mask might have indicated concern about SARS or bird flu. A black mask just conjures up images of Jacko.

Anonymous said...

what? what just happened?

Anonymous said...

aw fuck this shit

Anonymous said...

oh... George huh? I thought the cleft chin referred to Cadel Evans.... or is his more of a donut chin?

Luck E. 7 said...

I placed 20th, but expended almost no effort to do so. PASS.



A

Anonymous said...

MOTHERFUCKING PODIUM!

tuppercole said...

“We’ve put special antimicrobial screens in all our bongs,” explained a coach. “This should help Team USA put the ‘Metal!’ back in ‘medal.’”

Dude, that is so....





Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of bagelfaced Cadel, I just came across this gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrpL6BA6PBQ&feature=related

and this one (where he threatens to decapitate someone):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fe79ZuDKfk&feature=related

Bagelface is quite the angry little elf, isn't he?

broomie said...

Fortunatly Speedo just released their 'Neutrally buoyant' rad suits just before the games. There is a big stink going on because Tyr's version was disallowed leaving some triathlete's to make the choice of whether or not to put themselves at a disadvantage by using the old lead suits in order to fulfill sponsorship obligations.

Jim said...

So what about the Chinese tourists walking around New York and D.C. with masks on? Can we make an international incident out of that, too?

Jeebus, instead of getting all hypersensitive, we should probably send the U.S. Hockey team over there to kick some ass, and bust up some hotels.

I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen to a U.S. athlete wearing a mask in China? They jail him, reducate him, and then sell his organs to a wealthy Singaporean businessman? Please. Greg Lemond went through tougher stuff than that on recovery rides.

Double Deed said...

jim,

well done!

genersal lsmenedd said...

the fixed gear freestylers are indeed on the leading edge, then.
hoodies with the built-in bandannas?
good for travel to beijing, good for wto protests.

Anonymous said...

The US Olympic team sent a clear political message to China with the masks: Shame on you for your environment, but please keep making tons and tons of shit for us to buy at Walmart.

It's only in 2007 that China overtook the US as the world's biggest polluter, but not because the US got cleaner.

This is almost as bad as the pending Indian TATA car environmental 'disaster', the idea that Indians will all be able to drive 45mpg cars. Imagine the nerve of those people.

BTW: hincapie and Evans will both be wearing Zipp carbon fiber dimple spoilers with dimples.

Rich Evans said...

The mask wearing athletes have just apologized to the Chinese.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/08/06/olympic-cyclists-apologiz_n_117266.html

I am just dreading the inevitable surge in popularity of these masks. These will be the must have accessory for those who already think way too highly of themselves. If you have a yellow jersey in your closet then I am pretty sure I will see you with one of these on by the weekend. Just watch, every single out of shape douche will be sporting these while they are driving around this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Dear America....the only difference between you and I is that I have not learned how to adequately cover up our pollution, human rights abuses and corporate fascism.

p.s. I'd start seriously looking into taking some classes in learning Chinese.

Anonymous said...

mis bolas apenas caer!

Anonymous said...

Chinese people wear masks in Beijing, so they don't have to breathe in all the crap in the air...what is so different about a foreigner doing the same?

Anonymous said...

London bike riders have been wearing carbon filter masks for years. Made by Respro, you can get them everywhere.

BTW: the air in Beijing is only marginally worse than Salt Lake city, but somehow this wasn't an issue in 2002.

Anonymous said...

What do you think would piss off China more - the athletes wearing masks against the smog, or the road race winner thanking the Taiwanese factory workers that made his SpecializedRidleyCannondaleColnago carbon fiber frame?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, America is super polluted. But most of the top-notch athletes that are competing in the olympics DO NOT live in urban areas, where the pollution is the worst. They live in the sticks. No need for apologies. Fuck, I live in the sticks and see people in the supermarket wearing masks.

Now gas masks, yeah. Full of chronic smoke, yeah.

Anonymous said...

why are you all such haters? is it because I am a constant reminder of your self-important ignorance, egregious consumption and horribly unsustainable existence?

blow me! (pun intended)

jonathan said...

Van de Velde: "I'm not worried. If the stage, I mean pollution, gets bad, I'll just have Ryder Hesjedal breathe for me."

db said...

http://tinyurl.com/6pfzqc

Anonymous said...

What pisses me off more than masks in my airport is Joey Cheek and his damned "Save Darfur" bullshit.

I mean really, what's a few thousand lives compared to my exponential growth as an economic superpower? They are only brown people. You exploited them a while back. What am I saying...you still exploit brown people.

Anonymous said...

Chinese wear masks when in New York because they can't stand to breathe the sweet air of freedom.

Anonymous said...

Too bad I hear Dave Zabriskie shaved that mustache. He could have easily filtered the air through it.

AH said...

Great photo -- Jenny Reed looks like a ninja! If you cross wheels with her she'll take your ass OUT!

Anonymous said...

Sure, it's all fun and games pissing China off until they all jump off their chairs at the same time and knock the planet off its axis. Don't come crying to me when you careen into the heart of the sun.

AH said...

anon 1:33--
Interesting theory. I always assumed DZ's stache was for filter feeding. Y'know, plankton and all. I didn't realize it was multifunctional.

Anonymous said...

I think BSNYC/RTMS is just trying to get on the list of websites banned from the olympics. Only kinda blog street cred that matters on 08-08-08.

Anonymous said...

Huh. I thought they were SARS masks.

Anonymous said...

anon 1:29: where exactly is that sweet air? somewhere between the sewage and pee-pee smells?

Anonymous said...

The irony is that the masks were made by Chinese slave laborers in a pollution belching factory...with the profits going to support the Sudanese government.

Anonymous said...

Bob Saccomano,
How many cyclist were competing in the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City? I didn't watch all of the events.

Anonymous said...

I think his point was athletes vs. air quality, regardless of event.

Anonymous said...

Smartass:

in the winter they're called speedskaters.

bikesgonewild said...

...the hell w/ funny (ha-ha) comments...

...i thought the the fact that those four cyclists wore their 'usoc' designed & approved masks was awesome...

...whether 'intended' or not, it kinda made a statement beyond 'pollution matters' by walking off the flight & standing for the first time on beijing's chinese soil, masked...

...props & may all four of you come home w/ a gold medal...

Anonymous said...

As for pollution:
"I know him pretty well and he's a solid dude and has been a material used to clog lungs for a long, long time for whatever thats worth."

AH said...

US Olympic cyclists historically tend to go against the official grain anyway:
1. They virtually never stay in the Olympic Village.
2. Almost never attend the opening ceremonies
3. Same for the closing ceremonies.

At least this is true for the several former Olympic track cyclists I know.

I think it has a lot to with being there to actually win medals; I've never heard one of them say "I was just happy to be there." They do what they need to do to win and understand how following standard Olympic protocol can sometimes hurt their performances (like standing for hours on end in the opening ceremonies).

One guy I know still has his opening ceremonies suit from the Atlanta Games wrapped in plastic as it has never been worn.

Anonymous said...

Man, this olympics thing pisses me off. I think Im gonna go park my car in Prospect and torch it!

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:17,
nonono. you are american. when something pisses you off, you write a letter or bitch and moan to your significant other about it. You DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, do anything that might tip anyone else off about your feelings.

Strayhorn said...

I think the problem is that the masks were plain white. Everyone keeps saying that this particular set o' Olympics is all about glitz and bling to celebrate China's emergence into the modern world of office cubicles and petroleum by-products.

Therefore, the cyclists should have known to decorate their masks. Perhaps an appropriate statement like "Dare to struggle, dare to win" would have been appreciated.

If something more elaborate was indicated, the Chairman's 1947 message to his military chiefs could have been slightly edited: "The cycling team of USA, having made a clear-headed appraisal of the situation on the basis of the science of Marxism-Leninism, recognized that all attacks by sprinters had to be defeated and could be defeated. When dark clouds appeared in the sky, we pointed out that they were only temporary, that the darkness would soon pass and the sun break through. In the meantime, we'll don our O2 jackets and hope we don't drop them into the chainline."

Meanwhile, I invite you to consider the koan of this warning from the official China tourist guide: "Despite of the convenience of cycling, take care when you are on your bike mainly because of China's disappointed traffic conditions."

bikesgonewild said...

...& btw...i hope the chinese 'people' get the chance to thrive & prosper w/ enlightened minds, therefor i hope their government gives them that opportunity, some day...

...just sayin'...in a socio-politically concerned manner...

Anonymous said...

Dear china 12:57 PM --

Learn chinese? Okey, dokey.

Wo ting shuo nide mama bu ai ni yingwei ni zhen buhaokan.

Xie xie ni.

What we really need is Triumph the Insult Comic Dog intoning "I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing."

Anonymous said...

g said...
nonono. you are american. when something pisses you off, you write a letter or bitch and moan to your significant other about it.


I though you let it all pent up, vote republican for 20 years, then take it out your local church with an automatic weapon.

Anonymous said...

tom boonen smokes it, but doesn't inhale....

Anonymous said...

what's really ironic is the Chinese probably have more people who commute by bike than any other country .... combined.

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry, strayhorn but the masks were appropriately black...

...the color of dissidence...

Anonymous said...

BGW..if you are who you say you are..

It may surprise you slightly to know that Mao Tse Tung is dead and sales of Ferraris are expected to reach 120+ in China this year.

Anonymous said...

man, i am so baked i couldn't even type in my handle on that last one. although i do feel like i am moving mountains.

Anonymous said...

BGW...

nope.

Also note the one athlete wearing the T-shirt someone gave him with his destination in case he gets lost.

Jim said...

I think his point was athletes vs. air quality

Athletes vs. Air Quality? Man. I should have known those guys were behind this. They're nearly as bad as Fellowship of Christian Athletes, but at least you can smoke and drink beer at *their* meetings without getting funny looks.

jc said...

Methinks it would be safer to use the cutting-edge triathelete trick of using a snorkel to breathe out of one's own rectum.

db said...

Also note the one athlete wearing the T-shirt someone gave him with his destination in case he gets lost.

Too bad the T-shirt didn't say "Taiwan", isn't it?

bikesgonewild said...

...commiecanuk...i sure as hell 'feel' like who i say i am, so ergo, in 'my mind', i am who i say i am...does that clear up that issue ???...

...or better yet, i'll quote that loquacious thespian 'popeye'..."i ams what i ams & nat's what i ams"...

...so yer just sayin' mao tse tung's "little red book" is being replaced by enzo's little red ferraris, huh ???...& a few of prince's "little red corvettes, too i'll bet...

...not that the owners of any of 'those cars' had any kinda "favored status" in getting a leg up, or in as the case may be...

...& the mask thingy ???...i'm still like 50 to 75% right, right ???...but good call on the t-shirt...

Scottie said...

Here's the deal: China is given 7 years by IOC to clean up the pollution in Beijing. They're understandably pretty busy, so they put it off and then realize at the last minute that they've forgotten to take care of it and try to cram it all into the final two months. It doesn't work quite as planned.

China, you're the one who procrastinated. Don't get all pissy when we tell you that the all-nighter you just turned in isn't very good.

bikesgonewild said...

..."USOC spokesman Darryl Seibel said the riders would not be reprimanded and it was thought the athletes would wear the masks around the Olympic Village. "We've said all along that it is the athletes' choice whether to wear one if they feel it's necessary," he said. "I'm no scientific expert, but walking through an airport doesn't seem like the place where it would be necessary to wear them."...

...& we all know that airplanes don't pollute, so why worry about airports...it is comforting to know that those very same usoc officials aren't going to reprimand the athletes...

...suggestion: perhaps the officials could breath a little less thereby assuring their charges have a bit more oxygen to consume...

Anonymous said...

LeRoy 2:29
我沒有想法什麼fuck 您認為

Scott 3:39
Isn't very good? I am China! everything I make is art. Especially my children's toys and pet food.

You simple Americans just haven't reconciled that brown is the new blue. You will understand soon enough.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone else noticed that the supposed "track cyclist" in the NYT picture has a "Tri all 3" sticker on her wheel case??

Anonymous said...

"In the meantime, Olympic chiefs remained more concerned with smog, fearing the high level of pollution, which is 10 times that in London, would cast a pall over the Games.
British athletes have been training in anti-smog masks. Poor conditions pose the greatest risk to endurance athletes such as world marathon record holder Paula Radcliffe, an asthmatic."
8/6/08 Thisislondon.co.uk.com

How come they don't have to apologize ???

Gene doping is the new fear for the olympics. Is rock racing all over that ???

Anonymous said...

Dear china 4:52 PM -

To quote Steve Martin in a pirated and dubbed SNL skit: Well, dui bu qui!

Youde shihou, wo bu tai congming.

(At least this will confuse the folks who assume that anyone who knows a little Yiddish must be Jewish.)

zaijian, zaijian.

-p said...

Genius. I want a Chipotle gas mask.

Anonymous said...

The cycling hoodie was one of the the first posts I ever read and still one of my all time favorites.

Anonymous said...

With everything from opium poppy spores from Afghanistan to radio active isotopes from North Korea in that gas surrounding Beijing, vaguely described as breathing air, it will disguise any performance enhancing drug known or not known to any chemist on the planet. Drugs cheaters have a veil of impunity to lurk behind. “I have never tested positive to any known drug and I have only been breathing the air and scoffing down Yum Cha”

And they would be little yellow corvettes

Anonymous said...

aw fuck this shit.

i think i already said it.

so fuck it like twice.

Anonymous said...

Cornhole...

Settle down...would it make too much sense to just stop reading the comments

Anonymous said...

My air is as clean as New Yorkers are nice.

You guys are so freakin' screwed. How the hell did you let me bribe the IOC like that?

ryan said...

I see countless asians around town with those little white masks on. All the time, and I live in alaska.

People just eat this crap up.

Anonymous said...

Rico's blood's so thick he doesn't have to breath.

(I hear Lance's breathing thru Chris Carmichael's ass in Leadville -- hey, whatever it takes.)

Luck E. 7 said...

Zzzzzzzz......



A

Anonymous said...

I heard Barack Hussein is breathing through China's ass.

Brought to you by the Daly political machine where the dead come out to vote.

Apparently the dead smell like Salt Lake City and America likes the smell of Barack's ass thanks the press.

Anonymous said...

After having been shat on for the last 7+ years, Barack's crap smells downright refreshing.

p.s. give the "Hussein" crap a rest.

Anonymous said...

bikesnob, i love you. i wish we could ride off into the sunset and hold hands while riding our bikes.
xoxo, hello kitty

Anonymous said...

Who doesn't want to toss my salad these days?

Juicy got you crazy!

c-record said...

oooooh good one snob. no one can diss levi, georgie, cadel, et al like you do.

AH said...

anon 5:43--
Trust me, she's a trackie. That is Jenny Reed. I can't explain her Tri All 3 sticker though; that's like, unforgivable!

Unless of course the reason is that Tri All 3 made the wheel case...

Kind Of A Big Deal said...

"something from Chris Carmichael"

---hilarious!

hoon said...

Priceless. Even my wife laughed.

alliwannadoisbicycle said...

maybe the olympic athletes should have trained using "smog" tents...

Anonymous said...

dopepedaler,

Oh yeah! Gonna enjoy that depression Hussein and his America hating witch of a wife are going to bring on. You'll need those bikes when gas hits $10 a gallon. Maybe he can make that terrorist Ayers the SECDEF. OH yeah... good times coming! 143 days in the Senate, nothing says job experience like that. Make sure your tires are pumped.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:13pm...hard to hear what yer mumbling about w/ yer foot in yer mouth & yer head up yer ass but lemme guess...

...job experience ???...i assume you're referring to the wonderful leadership we've enjoyed w/ the present administration due to their "job experience"...

Anonymous said...

I am SHOCKED: its 12:30pm already and BSNYC *still* has not gotten all snarky on the nytimes tire review? This requires rectification, or someone needs to start a duel or something.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/07/fashion/07physical.html

Anonymous said...

"They “reminded me why I don’t want tread: because you’re not competing” with the bike."

I, also, only use slicks for training. I save my treaded tires for races.

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Aw crap, its like the same day yesterday. I forgot.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 12:13 pm

There is no insult I can volley that will make you look any more stupid than you have already made yourself.

Sorry mate, the impending depression began under your man's watch. Let's not forget....Katrina, Iraq, sub-prime mortgages, Abu Gharib, Enron, Worldcom, Illegal wire-tapping, 700+ signing statements, Valerie Plame, US attorney firings, Jack Abramoff...the list goes on and on.

You're right, I stand corrected. Dubya has all the "experience" in the world.

Doublefuck W

dddishman said...

habracadabra

Anonymous said...

dopepedaler and anonymous - you're both so correct. your candidates are perfect, and the other side's evil. i'm sure getting a democrat to replace a republican, or a republican to replace a democrat will solve all our problems, like it did last time we had a change of party in the white house or congress. we all know the evil lies within the other party, not the system they both have set up. your respective parties i'm sure appreciate your blind allegiance to their doctrine and strict ignorance of facts.

Anonymous said...

yeah, yeah, I forgot that George Bush invented corruption. The eight years with the previous administration were definitely on the up-and-up. Stop complaining, its all the same political corruption. The only reason its so offensive now is that you're a Dem and on the opposite side.

Anonymous said...

check out the sections on tire tread and hydroplaning...


sheldonbrown.com/tires.html

Anonymous said...

I'm no partisan, and I find most politicians annoying, but krikey, the W administration has done so many misguided, misinformed and awful things that it just boggles the mind.

But cheer up--neither of these two contenders could do anywhere near as bad.

Anonymous said...

ant1st...

I never pledged blinding faith to any one politician or party. You are correct, the system is broken. Corruption is rampant on both sides.

With that said, compared to the last 7+ years...I wouldn't mind seeing what the kid with the funny name can do.

Anonymous said...

I think the kid with the funny name would at least help our image in the international community. That would be positive. My problem with your boy is that he's too similar to the last guy. W ran as a political outsider advocating moderation and change. Look what happened to him. O's generic calls for change just sound too familiar. Unfortunately McCain is too GD old.

Sorry, this is a cycling blog eh?

Anonymous said...

If DBNYC can write about bullshit, why can't we?