Thursday, July 17, 2008

Digging Deep: Turning a Positive Into a Positive

Like many of you, I was deeply troubled by Riccardo Ricco's positive test result. But unlike the rest of the cycling media, instead of sitting back and waiting for answers from the team and from the Tour organizers I've taken it upon myself to launch an independent investigation into the affair. My sincere hope is that by understanding what has happened we can put the Cobra Clutch on doping. And I'm pleased to report that in less than 24 hours I've uncovered some vital information.

Firstly, no criminal acts alone, and in this case it seems Ricco may have had help from his bike supplier. As one commenter already pointed out, Ricco rides a Scott Addict Ltd. Just like a human addict, the Scott Addict is scary-light and will also suck the money right out of your wallet, and Scott even has the audacity to acknowledge on its own website that the Addict is "the lightest road frame in the world." This of course means that every other frame in the peloton is heavier, which would give Ricco an unfair and unethical advantage. Furthermore, the Addict is riddled with stuff like "IMP" and "CR1." Scott are keeping mum as to exactly what IMP is, saying only that it's a "top secret process." My guess is it's simply a newer version of CR1, and as such is the CERA to CR1's EPO. And if all this weren't enough, Ricco's bike even has a picture of a cobra on it. Come on--it might as well have a jet engine attached to the chainstay! They didn't even try to cover it. This is unfair and simply has to stop. We can no longer have a peloton riding at two speeds. I say either everybody gets cobras on their bikes, or nobody does.

Even Daniella Levi, whom Ricco is fictionally rumored by me to have engaged in his defense, seems to have been in some drug-related trouble of her own.

Indeed, an incredibly astute reader has unearthed this shocking 1993 New York Times article and brought it to my attention:

Sure, I'd expect this sort of thing from a professional bike rider, but if we can't look to a personal injury lawyer as a paradigm of virtue and propriety then what hope is there?

Finally, most troubling of all is this YouTube video, which someone posted in the comments today over at NYVelocity:

I'm not sure how relevant this is to the Ricco situation in particular, nor do I understand any of the lyrics, but it's troubling nonetheless.

Fortunately, there is hope. While professional cycling may be a rolling chemistry lab, it seems that bicycles can be used to combat drug use as well:

Yes, according to today's Times, Seattle is getting rid of its automated toilets, which have become havens for drug use and prostitution, and it appears from this picture that cops on bicycles have been employed to aid in the cleanup. If you're wondering just how bad these toilets have become, this should give you some idea:

“I’m not going to lie: I used to smoke crack in there,” said one homeless woman, Veronyka Cordner, nodding toward the toilet behind Pike Place Market. “But I won’t even go inside that thing now. It’s disgusting.”

Yes, I think it's safe to say that when a bathroom is no longer fit to smoke crack in that it's time to get rid of it, and I'm just glad that bikes are helping. Also, according to the article the city has put the restrooms on eBay, with starting bids of $89,000 apiece. Maybe Ricco should buy one. It seems like a perfect place to inject his CERA while he prepares to dominate next year's Etape.


Brendan said...

you all are asleep?

Grant said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jim said...

wonder how far he's willing to follow Pantani?

Anonymous said...

Seems everyone is thrown off by the later posting.

Anonymous said...

Pro cycling is becoming more and more like pro wrestling, drugged up athletes in crazy outfits/bikes entertaining us all. Has two time lanterne rouge Wim Vansevenant been tested lately?

Anonymous said...

woo hoo! Top 10!

Anonymous said...

Lucky 7.


Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

top 10

Anonymous said...

Top Ten!

Anonymous said...

Dope isn't wrong, people are wrong.


Ka_Jun said...

Alpacadex is at US$374 in Pittsburgh.

frilly said...


Its 93 here today with like 800% humidity. Don't you miss this?

Anonymous said...

Seattle's bike cops are awesome... they're doing a great service.

Johnny La Rue said...

No hope without dope!

ant1st said...


Anonymous said...


You know I miss it, but now being 4 hrs east of you in L'ville, I get my fair share of the Soggies. Oddly, the high humidity seems to make the leg hair grow back faster. Have you noticed this phenom in StL? Even more alarming is that empty lung sensation that comes with mass intake of water-enriched air. Gotta love the 38th Lat.


ant1st said...

Should we start a portapodex?

ant1st said...

Interestingly, I see no cones around it.

g said...

Sure everyone has seen this, but I see these making a real comeback
The Onion Cheat-to-Win Bracelet

frilly said...

LOL. Now that you mention it, I did notice this morning that my legs are already a little stubbly & I just shaved yesterday. Not to be too ewwww, but also noticing the non-stop runny nose...its like riding & running in a humidifier. Good times.

Anonymous said...


In regard to the humidity-induced leg hair growth rate, would the endorphin release that comes from leg waxing mess up my hemocrit level? Wouldn't want an unfair advantage over the cars and buses or anything. Their drivers do have the advantage of AC, smoking, and gratuitous cell phone use after all.


ant1st said...

The onion also had a hilarious article a couple years back published in late august about how the non dopers had just finished the tour. Pretty funny also.

Anonymous said...

Someone give us the lyrics or translate the "EPO" song!

leroy said...

That video is disturbing.

I couldn't make out more than EPO -- te quiero. (EPO - I love you.)

Oh sure he loves it now, but would he enter a Seattle port-a-potty unfit for crack inhalation to inject it?

That's love.

bikesgonewild said...

...well, bsnyc/rtms...if you & yer pal sgt slaughter can get to the bottom of this lovely charade being perpetrated by procyclists, you'll be like 'even more' of a god to us...

...& that was a catchy little tune...the only words of which i caught were poulidor et bernard hinault...

...w/ spanish costumes & lyrics 'a la francais', i'm assuming it's a little singing diatribe on operation puerto & the obvious wonders of "eh pa oh"...

...i'll be singing that all day, in my 'DOPERS SUCK sox...

Anonymous said...

Why is Charles Rangel in that EPO video?

bikesgonewild said...

...ah, monsieur/senor leroy...i thought i also caught some francais in there, but what you've noted makes more sense...

..."te queiro, taco bell" & all that...see, isn't learning fun ???...we should thank procycling for steepening the curve, so to speak...

Andrew said...

Hi, dom Pedro
Si ?
What is your secret to be so fast ?
You would like to know, don't you ?
It is an "especial" potion.
I'm going to tell you.

EPO te quiero (EPO I love you)
Thanks to you , I'll be "numero uno" (number 1)
EPO te quiero
Thanks to you, I'll have the nicest of the jerseys.

On the roads of France,
I enjoy the sunny days.
I musn't make too much effort
If I want to win the Tour.
I wander on my bicycle
Without effort or complex.
Far ahead of the peloton,
I'm humming a song.

EPO te quiero
Thanks to you , I'll be "numero uno"
EPO te quiero
Thanks to you, I'm going faster than Tornado.

When I have a little pump strike (I feel drained)
Bicycle (pump)
I stop beside a field
Opium poppy (field)
So I extract from my bottleneck
of EPO
An good old medicine
And when comes the end of the stage,
I'm hailed as a hero.
Bravo, Bravo
The champaign, I don't give a damn about it.
I prefer my EPO.

EPO te quiero
Thanks to you , I'll be "numero uno"
EPO te quiero
Thanks to you, I'll have the nicest of the jerseys.

Your attention ! Everyone saddles on !
Each morning, with EPO, get a leg up.
A product of ours the whole world envy.
For you and your bicycle, EPO is what you need.
Thanks to you my EPO.

EPO te quiero
Thanks to you , I'll be "numero uno"
EPO te quiero
Thanks to you, I'll have the nicest of the jerseys.

Cuter than Laurent Fignon, EPO
Stronger than Poulidor, EPO
And far crazier than Virenque, EPO
And more handsome than Bernard Hinault.

Thanks to you, my EPO.

My PP, my PO, my PP, my EPO,
My PP, my PO, my PP, my EPO,

bikesgonewild said...

...thank you, andrew...all that & a catchy tune, to

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ant1, a portapodex? Wouldn't that make those bike cops the portapo po-po?

Anonymous said...

epo po-po...

Judi said...

a -

you in l'ville? you are 2 hours from me. I am coming down to volunteer for ironman, you plan on watching any of that?

bsny - welcome back, hope you had a good vacation.

the tour sucks - doping continues.

Fritz said...

Wow, a twofer from BSNYC!

Mrs. Malaprop said...

I assume you meant Paragon of Virtue.

Pedal Strike Force Agent Down said...

The video was hilarious, but it just went on and on and on.

I had to cut it short.

Anonymous said...

best snop post to date

Andy Pandy said...

Solution. Give the silly little glass ornament to Cadel now and we all can go back to normal.More like a carpet snake that just looks menacing

frilly said...

Hi Andy Pandy!

Anonymous said...

Uh, gentlemen, according to this link below, you don't drink or inject CERA. Makes you wonder what Le Tour riders really enjoy.

frilly said...

Now that's ewwww.

T-Bone said...

When can we have the "all doping" Tour de France? I really don't care whether these elite athletes risk their health to reach their chemically-altered peak. This is entertainment. They assume the risks involved, and should be allowed to use whatever is going to make them better. I mean, where do you draw the line? The olympic swimmer Dara Torres gets hours of massage (from a special team) everyday because she can AFFORD it. How much better could the other swimmers be if they had the same treatment? C'mon, if multi-billion dollar corporations are sponsoring sport, the sky's the limit. After all, nobody says "car racing is dangerous" and thereby illegal. Walking across the street is dangerous, (but it isn't a multi-billion dollar industry with corporate sponsors...) I believe Rico would rather win the tour and die at 30 than finish 132, and die at 70. Make him watch a film detailing the risks, and sign a waiver... VOILA!!

BunE said...

This is just horrible, I can't sleep, eat and I can't stop crying. The Video is lovely as well. Here is another one that I play every July as the Velonews and Vs hypes us to a fever pitch.

I love Sr. Coconut.

BunE said...

Sorry, that was the Kraftwerk. Sr. Coconut is more along the theme of that posted video

Its like maracas are the EPO delivery systems of tomorrow

AMRcyclist said...

I am afraid to say (lots of kids here) you have a very good point there.

And they will never catch everyone. How long has Manuel Beltran been in the juice?


Andy Pandy said...

Hi Frills. Have you had your full quotient of shaved legged, lycra clad lust as yet.

Ricardo Ricco said...

"I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me."

Millard Baker said...

Those nasty unfair advantages!

My hematocrit is naturally over 50% (seriously). I can only imagine how dangerously high it would be if I ever took Epogen or Mircera.

But at least "my unfair advantage" was gained by no action of my own, by complete luck of the genetic draw, by random chance.

Then it's ok. There's nothing wrong with that.

But those cyclists who have to actually expend considerable effort and expense to achieve a similar hematocrit level (whether it's EPO, CERA, altitude training, hypobaric chamber should be punished!!


Anonymous said...

my hematocrit must be over 50 by now considering how much wine i dilute my blood with and still i live...

Anonymous said...

by that i mean hematocrit on a sober day....

really... what i wonder about is what are we to make of heroes gone by like Jacques Anquetil... who not only openly admitted to doping but dare I say drank more wine than me even... and even Coppi... still immortalized ... who had his own opinions about the possibility of riding clean and had a penchant for amphetamines... these are cyclings greatest, most worshipped men ... and open dopers... so now that we still adore these cyclists, do we really want a clean sport and vice versa?
Will anyone not on two wheels outside of France ever recognize Jeannie Longo's name? Or any other woman in cycling ...

thank goodness for the great car bicycle public transportation race won by Jamie this year as a giant leap forward in publicity for womens cycling.....

Anonymous said...

maybe if women's prize money ever gets to be enough to pay for my drinking habit i too will actually enter a race instead of scoffing from the sidelines....

fro said...

let levi ride the cobra!

AH said...

I'd pay to see that!

Er, I mean, that's just nasty...

frilly said...


By the end of the tour, I think I'll be comatose. Perhaps a convent will be in order.

Midi said...

I too was angry at the way "my" tour was destroyed by negative reporting of doping in the tour.
I mean doping is the professional way right?

but that was 1998! I got over it.

we have slowly very slowly moved on to point of no return..

all this mockery combined with "this is how the world of cycling is, trust me I know because I ride cat 1 races at the weekend" is getting sadly pathetic.

all you guys with the "inside track" of the pro world need to stick at taking the piss out of single speed urban cyclists. your quite good at that.

Anonymous said...

Andrew 5:32 PM

Thanks for the translation -- it's very illuminating.

Anonymous said...

wheeeee! got my first 'call'. aunt eva wondering if i've ever tried epo. sweet! flash back. i'm sneaking in the door. quiet. ssshhh. boots are in garage. ninja quiet down the stairs. can't believe how high i am. this is going soooo well. ok turn the corner. 20 more feet..... ohoh..... brain in overdrive... think think. stupid, so recently freed, and powerful brain, think! nope dumb ass diluted pupil'd idjut. sucks to be ricco right now. fuck em.

Albany said...

Well written article.

Anonymous said...

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ashhar said...

Thank you for the wonderful effort

إني تذكـرت والذكرى مؤرقـة * مجـداً تلـيدا بأيـدينا أضعـناه
أنَّى اتجهتَ للإسـلام في بـلـدٍ * تجْده كالطيرِ مقصـوصًا جناحـاه
كـم صرفتنا يـدٌ كنـا نـصرفها * وبات يـملكنا شعب مـلكناه
بالله سل خلف
بحر الروم عن عرب *

بالأمس كانوا هنا واليوم قد تاهوا
وانزل دمشق وسائل صخر مسجدها * عمن بناه لعل الـصخر ينعـاه
هذى معـالم خرس كـل واحـدة * منهن قامت خطيبـا فاغرا فـاه
الله يعلم ما قلبت سـيرتهم يومـا * وأخطـأ دمـع الـعين مـجراه
يا من يرى عمـراتكسوه بردته * الزيت أدمٌ لـه والكـوخ مـأواه
يهتز كسـرى على كرسيه فرقـا * من خوفه ، وملوك الروم تخشـاه
يا رب فابعث لنا من مثلهم نفـرا * يشـيدون لـنا مـجدا أضعنـاه

ashhar said...

Thank you for the wonderful effort

إني تذكـرت والذكرى مؤرقـة * مجـداً تلـيدا بأيـدينا أضعـناه
أنَّى اتجهتَ للإسـلام في بـلـدٍ * تجْده كالطيرِ مقصـوصًا جناحـاه
كـم صرفتنا يـدٌ كنـا نـصرفها * وبات يـملكنا شعب مـلكناه
بالله سل خلف بحر الروم عن عرب * بالأمس كانوا هنا واليوم قد تاهوا
وانزل دمشق وسائل صخر مسجدها * عمن بناه لعل الـصخر ينعـاه
هذى معـالم خرس كـل واحـدة * منهن قامت خطيبـا فاغرا فـاه
الله يعلم ما قلبت سـيرتهم يومـا
* وأخطـأ دمـع الـعين


يا من يرى عمـراتكسوه بردته *

الزيت أدمٌ لـه والكـوخ مـأواه

يهتز كسـرى على كرسيه فرقـا * من خوفه ،

وملوك الروم تخشـاه

يا رب فابعث لنا من مثلهم نفـرا * يشـيدون لـنا مـجدا أضعنـاه

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