Wednesday, June 25, 2008

From the Tour to the Torrid: It's Getting Ugly Out There


The Tour de France starts a week from Saturday and I just can’t seem to get excited about it. And it’s not because of the incessant doping scandals, or the mind-numbingly boring transitional stages, or the fact that three weeks is a really long time to pay attention to anything that’s not an HBO miniseries. No, it’s because Levi won’t be there. Sure, Levi may be boring, but boring ingredients are essential. Flour is boring, but can you make delicious cakes without it? No, you can’t. Levi may be the plain dry cracker of bike racing, but sometimes you need plain dry crackers. Think of Levi as a big piece of Matzoh, and then imagine the Tour as a Passover seder. If I understand Judaism correctly, you can’t have a seder without Matzoh. It just doesn’t work!

So in lieu of the actual Tour I’ve decided instead to focus entirely on Robert Mackey’s “The Climb” blog on the New York Times. Sure, I may have been hard on Mr. Mackey a few weeks back, but I have to admit his dogged determination, his indomitable spirit, and his seemingly bottomless pocketbook have finally won me over. (And by “won me over” I mean I no longer have any ambivalence in my disdain for him—it’s now complete.) You’ll be glad to know that Mr. Mackey has just returned from the four-day Tour du Mont Blanc in the Alps. That’s right—Mr. Mackey has taken a European bike tour in order to prepare for his upcoming European bike tour, thereby breaking through to a new level of excessive expenditure I had heretofore thought impossible even for him. This is akin to spending a week in St. Barths in order to acclimate yourself for your weeklong vacation to Turks and Caicos, or to the dentist who buys a Madone while he waits for his custom Serotta to come in. Then again, I suppose we can excuse Mr. Mackey. I mean, he is going to be riding the Tour, and every Tour contender needs his Dauphine, right?

If you’d rather not go through the trouble of reading Mr. Mackey’s blog yourself, I’ve gone though the trouble of skimming it, and here’s a summary of the last eight installments. It’s kind of cute to watch him discovering things most cyclists have long been aware of as a natural consequence of simply riding their bikes:

24 Days to Go:

Discovers numbness.

23 Days to Go:

Discovers that John Kerry is the World’s Most Famous Fred. (As opposed to his counterpart, George W. Bush, the World’s Most Famous Barney.)

20 Days to Go:

Discovers riding in a paceline and learns how to eat and drink on the bike. (Yes, it's possible!) He also discovers roadie anorexia.

19 Days to Go:

Mackey makes the leap to SRAM, ditching his 12/27 Ultegra cassette for a 12/28 SRAM cassette. The extra tooth may help him get over the cols, but will he ever get over himself?

18 Days to Go:

Mackey can’t be bothered to rent “Breaking Away,” so he watches highlights on the internet instead.

17 Days to Go:

Mackey arrives in Europe. Let the Euros fly!

16 Days to Go:

Thanks to his Thule case, Mackey’s bike arrives unscathed, and he enlists a bike fitter to help him put it back together. Yes, putting a seatpost back into a frame and tightening a bolt can be quite difficult.

12 Days to Go:

Mackey may stop in London on his way back to Europe for L’Etape to buy some custom insoles.


Whatever. In the course of writing his blog Mackey may cross the Atlantic four times and the rubicon of monied excess infinitely, but I’m totally over bike racing anyway. As usual, the Times is about eight years behind the curve. Everybody knows that bike commuting is the new bike racing. I see more exciting cycling in a single morning going over the bridge to Manhattan than I’ve seen in the last three Tours combined. If you haven’t experienced the thrill of hitting the base of the Manhattan Bridge bike lane at a blistering 15 MPH with an elite group consisting of a young guy on a Bianchi Pista with chopped flat bars, a middle-aged gentleman on an dayglo mountain bike with thumbshifters and a chipped and yellowed pie plate, and a woman on a Bianchi Volpe with fully-loaded panniers and a blinky light on the back of her helmet, then you don’t know what a real shot of adrenaline feels like. Who will take the KOM is anybody’s guess, and the drama on the descent is twice as gripping. (My money’s always on the woman with the Volpe due to her ability to coast coupled with the weight of the panniers.) I’m seriously considering building myself a little crow’s nest and broadcasting blow-by-blow commentary on weekday mornings. It would make Versus Tour de France coverage look like the "Antiques Roadshow."

Even alleycat racing is totally over. I mean, how many fliers spoofing album covers, movies, and pop culture references can you look at anyway? With commuting being the new racing, I’m also in the early planning stages of a PracticalityCat, where the essence of commuting is distilled into a single day of grassroots competition. Contests will include:

The DorkStand (who can stay on his saddle at a red light while keeping the bike upright with his tippy-toes the longest);

The Splashback (contestants ride through a puddle and see who gets the least amount of mud and water on their business casual outfits—it’s all about adequate fender coverage!);

and of course the gruelling Bike Path TT. Bar ends allowed, helmet mirrors encouraged!


Speaking of commuting, there’s a new menace out there. Scooters:




(Born to be Riled: I hate scooters.)


True to their mandate of telling readers things they already know, The New York Times recently reported that more people in New York are turning to scooters in the face of high gas prices. Tell me about it. Dealing with moronic drivers, moronic cyclists, and moronic pedestrians is bad enough, but now we’ve also got to deal with the newbie scooter owner. This is a distinct breed from the Mod or Ska scooter dork of old who rides his two-stroke Vespa to the bar in a cloud of smoke or tunes his Lambretta so it can reach blistering speeds of up to 48mph. I mean, I hate those people too, but I hate them in the normal, friendly way that I hate any subculture that’s not my own. Every subculture knows it is hated by every other subculture, and vice-versa. In fact, this truth is so universal I think it’s time people simply acknowledged it by greeting each-other with a friendly middle finger when they pass. The world would be a better place for the honesty. “Screw your two-tone side panels and your Davida helmet.” “Screw your Deep Vs and your Chrome bag.” “Uh, wanna grab a beer?” “Sure!”

No, the new scooter owner is a different breed entirely. This is the person who has just bought a brand-new twist-and-go Vespa complete with matching helmet and hard cases and has just gotten comfortable enough on it to start splitting lanes, cutting between cars, and darting into the bike path when the traffic gets heavy, but not comfortable enough to actually handle the thing well and ride it without it going all wobbly. Suddenly this flaccid, foppish metrosexual advertising copywriter is on your turf—and he’s dangerous. A truck unloading in the bike lane makes me angry, but a Vespa in the bike lane makes me furious. Even more infuriating is when they come bearing down behind you. At first it sounds like someone’s mixing a margarita or firing up a vibrator in a convertible or something—then you realize you're not in a Van Halen video and it’s actually the diminutive whirr of yet another dandy on a neutercycle. These people can barely handle machines that have been mastered long ago by 90 lb. European women, and I hate them. If you want to break traffic laws, ride a bicycle like the rest of us.

In closing, I’d like to share with you something that made me sicker than even scooters do:

As I bicycled by, she turned, and our eyes locked - m4w - 27 (Fifth Avenue, Park Slope) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/731814855.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-25, 2:44AM EDT

As I bicycled by, she turned, and our eyes locked, one, two, three...

At the end of the street, I wondered whether I should stop. Should I go back for her, tell her our eyes had locked, that we might be meant for each other?

Follow my gut at least one time this week, right?

At the next block, the light turned red against the night. I knew this corner. The park ahead to my right, the bar across the street on my left...I stopped. I turned onto the sidewalk, a slow semi-circle. Would she catch up? Yes. There she was, walking this way, her skirt catching the evening breeze, her brown hair like streamer ribbons.

Okay. I'll wait.

The light stayed red, thank God. And here she almost was.

I called out, "Our eyes locked. That was intense!"

And she was here before me.

She wanted something. We were dancing, somehow, with our eyes, my bike, her skirt and hair.

"Give me a ride?" she said. The words were new to me, I'd never heard them before, ever.

"What?" "Give me a ride? On your bike?" She was on my left side now, about to clutch and leap on.

"Sure." I moved forward somewhere. She positioned herself to sit in front of me, yet sensed something.

"You ever done this before?"

"Given a girl a ride on my bike? No. Never."

"You think you can?"

Of course I could give her a ride on my bike. If she could get on.

"Sure." How hard could it be?

"Okay."

I opened my left arm, she climbed over the bar in front of me. She squeezed her butt back, almost on to the seat.

"I'll sit on the bar."

"You sure? I can move back."

"Yeah."

"There's a hill," she asked me, looking several blocks ahead at the rising pavement.

"If we can get to the hill, we can get up the hill."

She smiled.

She sat on the bar, lifted her legs off the ground...

It was so easy! Is that all? A girl sits in front of you on the bike, and lifts up her legs off the ground, and you can give her a ride?

She was light, a steady weight. Not super-light, but a real presence, a real girl.

I pushed off the ground, my feet on the pedals. Quickly I realized her body was inside my thighs, so I opened my knees wider, and pedaling, we were off.

Her shoulders brushed inside my arms, her hair and head was in front of my mouth.

I will skip the dialogue, since the thrill was all body. Her name was Marta, she was coming from tango, she was going home to 17th Street. My name was Alex, I was coming from the Tea Lounge where I was writing a little book, I was going home to 45th Street. I'd never given a girl a ride on a bike before. She'd gotten many rides, of course, how else do you get home?

What, no mention of your erection poking her in the back? You, sir, are Park Slope. I hope you are attacked by a swarm of Vespas.

190 comments:

Dan Heisel said...

first?

Steve Hampsten said...

i'd like to thank my mother...

Anonymous said...

PIMPED!

Anonymous said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

damn!

Anonymous said...

Yay, I've been watiing for this all morning

Anonymous said...

woot

juarezj said...

You have insufficient disdain for Mr Mackey. Are you going soft???

Anonymous said...

top ten! is the east coast asleep? the line about breaking the law is priceless!

Anonymous said...

try to eat entire pizzas while riding your bike past vespas

Anonymous said...

"A truck unloading in the bike lane makes me angry, but a Vespa in the bike lane makes me furious."

Yes yes yes.

The new Moron Rodeo- "Scooterists"

Anonymous said...

I am Park Slope!!!

Anonymous said...

Good one Snobby. In my opinion, the vespa crowd is the extremely lazy subset of the fixter crowd. A vespter is a fixter who doesn't want to have to pedal.

Anonymous said...

Gawdamn! Ty Snob....nothing like a mid afternoon derision bath in pixil form. Ty Ty Ty ty

SMACK!

Anonymous said...

Why would you end with such a nauseating finish? Ugh!

Anonymous said...

I didn't know Ernest Hemingway lived in Park Slope.

Anonymous said...

Reading this post cost me a top ten place. dammit.

Anonymous said...

While it is fun watching a scooterista run into the curb and see shards of plastic fly around, I really wish I was in the Bart station when...

"BART has imposed a temporary ban, after a Segway rider lost control and ended up on the tracks at a San Francisco station last week."

thats a 3 foot drop onto the tracks :)

http://cbs5.com/local/segway.scooter.sales.2.755460.html

Anonymous said...

"motors are 4 pussies"

Anonymous said...

In fact, this truth is so universal I think it’s time peole simply acknowledged it by greeting each-other with a friendly middle finger when they pass.

people


little adjustment

Anonymous said...

Regarding the "ride" given, maybe that is the reason top tube pads are all the rage. It's all about the ladies.
And I would venture to guess that the chopped handlebars' goal is to get more of the "Her shoulders brushed inside my arms" action.
It would follow that the fixed gear set up is an excuse to keep your legs moving constantly to keep the inner thigh on hip rubbing action going.
Wow, I think I have finally seen the light. The fixter subculture is actually made up of the people who realize that their bike riding ways, instead of scaring women away (see pics of m. rasmussen), can be used as an excuse to pick up chicks.
Genius!
The pistadex is about to go through the roof. I'm calling my broker.

vacuumrunamok said...

RTMS,

Bravo, bravo.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

neutercycle. teehee. worth the agony of waiting for the horrible to end. thx snobby

Anonymous said...

"motors are 4 pussies"

So are Top Tube Pads

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! Full on rage. Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of commuting, it's Amateur Day (Bike to Work Day) in Denver. There are free food stations set up all over the city, two of which I passed on my morning commute. The lines were too long to get any orange jusice and granola bars, so the stations were actually just an obstacle that made me about 45 seconds later to work than I normally would be. These areas were full of Cat 4 types in their full race gear, bleating at one another about their new wheelset or pesonal trainer or whatever. There were two TV news vans, each of which was surrounded by a swarm of downtown fixsters hoping for a photo op. The news people were more intent on interviewing overweight middle-aged first-time commuters in their crooked helmets, fanny packs, and OC-approved neon vests. They seemed to have no interest in filming any sick spinzz or skidzz. Maybe tomorrow's public interest story will be on the douchery resulting from the rising popularity of riding 50cc scooters on public roads. At least they haven't taken over our bike lanes yet. Then again, they don't have bike lanes in the barrio I ride through every morning. It keeps my door-dodgng skills sharp. Have a great day and don't encourage the behavior we witnessed yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know of a cool little middle finger emoticon, or some other similar techno-graphic, that we could start using as a sign-off on our comments?

Erik W. Laursen said...

Reading that I somehow feel refreshed and clean, knowing that instead of cursing somebody on my ride, I can smile knowing the BSNYC has done the work for me. Ah, derision. It cleanses the soul.

Georges Rouan said...

too lsow

LP said...

Reading your mockery outweighs their annoyance...net positive!

tuppercole said...

I knew a bunch of people that insisted on wearing polo's buttoned all the way up, and thought tassel loafer Doc Martens were cool way back when. About ten of them rode from DC to Niagara Falls for a scooter rally. Imagine getting caught behind 10 Vesperettas on the NJT?

Anonymous said...

I read most of this through tears ... that's how hard I laughed.

"Would make Versus Tour coverage look like the antiques road show ..."

Absolutely brilliant Snob

Cameron said...

The Dorkstand was the name of my band in High School.

specialrider said...

until I found this blog I felt very lonely in my disdain for Bike To Work Day...I think I just find my own subculture....at least I think...beeeep.

Anonymous said...

I read most of this through tears ... that's how hard I laughed.

"Would make Versus Tour coverage look like the antiques road show ..."

Absolutely brilliant, Snob.

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc/rtms...your prolific indictment of 'the times' mackey is once again styled to perfection...

...& shades of barry manilow...
..."her name was marta,
she did the tango,
she was on her way
to 17th street...

..."his name was alex
he liked tea-bagging,
still he wrote a book
about her sweets...

..."they rode together,
in summer weather,
& while he loved her,
she considered him meat..."


...a perfect nyc cycling romance...he thought he was pedaling to heaven & she was just going home...why ride the subway in the hot summer heat or pay good money for a stinky nyc taxi when a 'blinded by possibilities' bike geek thinks his pushin' will get him some pushin'...

...just sayin'...

kurtdriver said...

G@#$%^d*&^n lawnmowers! They do, however, quit their evil ways as soon as your rear wheel makes contact with their font, accidentally, of course.

Brendan said...

So when is there going to be a Mod/SkaScooterSnob NYC.com? I'd probably read it seeing as how I'm a hopelessly dorky ska fan who won't ride a scooter.

Jim said...

Scooters? You mean Liquorcycles?

As for flipping people off as you pass - it's been done. Married people refer to that as "oral sex." You pass in the hallway, shout "f*** you!" at each other, and keep on walking.

Anonymous said...

"coming from a tea lounge where I was riding a book"

Jesus H. Christ

sine0wave said...

How much has he spent on this shinding? How many dollars per mile on the $5k bike? How many dollars per minute on the $5k bike?

Daniel said...

My name was Alex, I was coming from the Tea Lounge where I was writing a little book, I was going home to 45th street.
I'm going to start hanging out at this place and rob this wan little twat on his way home.

Anonymous said...

excellent post! but i really think you're too easy on mackey. i would never be able to show the verbal restraint that you exhibit.

Anonymous said...

If this Tea Room weenie really does think he's Hemmingway, can someone loan him a 12-gauge before he finishes his "little book"?

Anonymous said...

Since nobody seems to like my fixter = sexter theory, here's a new one that I'm sure we can all agree on:
Mackey = kevinftmyers
He's pissed we're making fun of his blog, so he's making fun of "ours".

Bring it on mackey, if that's even your real name.

Grump said...

Pretty good

Anonymous said...

"I’m also in the early planning stages of a PracticalityCat"

I almost shot coffee out of my nose. One of the most entertaining posts EVER.

kale said...

I need to get a picture of the guys that ride the leafblower-powered converted Iron-Horse bikes here in PDX. It's funny because they go slower than me on my '66 Huffy Silver Jet while I drink coffee - and make more noise than most Vespas. I can't wait to move to NYC in the fall just in time for them to arrive there too... Unless they're already there...

I've seen them eat shit by tacoing faster than a hipster can U-lock their 32-18 Pista to a fire-escape. It looks painful.

Anonymous said...

whomever made the observation yesterday that kevin f### the protocol meyers proves the existence that Andy Kaufman still lives was pure genius... if only one imagines KFTMeyers IS BSNYS/RTMS doing Andy Kaufman being TOny Clifton, the whole thing becomes hilarious...

fantastic post BTW, ditto to the pudding in nose.."who will take the KOM.."shit to bed!

Anonymous said...

"She'd gotten many rides, of course..." Nice homage to Austin Powers..."She's the community bicycle. Everybody gets a ride."

Josh said...

"neutercycles", that's some funny shit!

Anonymous said...

Vespas have infected Toronto in a big way, to the point that the local importer has completely sold out of all scooters. That's the bad news. They are even allowed to park anywhere for free, like the mentally handicapped.
The good news: scooter crashes are hilarious. These new generation Vespas can hit 80km/hr easy and when they hit a car door, the smug urban granola hipster can be launched 100 feet while her organic vegetables and patchouli candles are flung in all directions. It gets really fun on a rainy day when they can slip out a front wheel on the streetcar tracks, as if being given the finger flick of God.

The best part is November-December, when they Vespa riders suddenly face the fact that it's Canada, and fucking cold and icy and not Rome.

Anonymous said...

ant1. sssshhhhh. we must twead wery wery carefulwe. pesky wabbit must remain asweep

Anonymous said...

Also, nice Passover reference, which leads to a paraphrase of one of my all-time favorite comments: Passover is when your wife comes in from the garage and does not notice that your beat up Trek has been replaced by a new $5,000.00 Cervelo.

Anonymous said...

'...sounds like someone’s mixing a margarita or firing up a vibrator in a convertible...' Snobby, quit following me. Sheesh.

Bgw--

'Pedaling to heaven'

Sweetie, wow. Your pushin' is about to get real easy.

Anonymous said...

yes commie so sweet to see them skid. it entirely pisses me off that they're allowed to do the drive thru at tim's but i'm not on a bike. wankers can't even throw a rack anywhere near the place to lock to.

Matt said...

"You Sir are ParkSlope"

That is going in the armory.

The other week. I almost punched a guy on a Vespa who tried to pass me on the right while I was in the bike lane.

I too hate new Vespas. Now my GF keeps bugging me to buy one so I can "zip" her around. As if I should have to convince her it is way more fun to ride my top tube.

RTMS it is like you are in my friggin skull!

Anonymous said...

So I'm thinking that vespas may be the new rollerblades. But fixies and vespas both came before rollerblades. Confusing....

Anonymous said...

anon 2:40

Tim Horton's is doing you a big favor.

Anonymous said...

What's there to say, Snob-definitely one of your best ever

Anonymous said...

Hey, it sounds like Frilly is compliant, and BGW is stiff. Schwing!

Anonymous said...

Kale, we here in Tucson suffer the same blight with "powered cycles" having actually been legitimized by our moronic city council. There are dozens of these idiots here and they are allowed in the bike lane. I've yet to see one obey a stop sign or red light, so hopefully there will be significant herd thinning.
I say if you can't pedal full time, you don't belong in a bike lane.

bikesgonewild said...

...funny you should mention, cuz i was just sayin' "that is not a top tube pad, baby !!!"...

Anonymous said...

Want a ride beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I think a Vespa in the bike path should earn you three kicks in the crotch.

Writing about giving a girl a ride on your bike on Craigslist should be eight kicks in the crotch.

Mackey should just get one from every person who has ever tried to read one of his blog entries and not been able to finish.

Anonymous said...

"Suddenly this flaccid, foppish metrosexual advertising copywriter is on your turf—and he’s dangerous."

Jesus that funny

pete said...

fucking scooters. I saw more of them last night on the road than all of last year.

Anonymous said...

Also in Tucson...bike lanes equate to a motorist passing-on-the-right lane or a right turn lane.

Anonymous said...

I gave a girl a ride on my bike once....in, like, fourth grade! I didn't get any tail for it either.

JPB

Daddo said...

John Kerry is the uber-Fred. He shows up for our Saturday morning thing once in a while. It's sad.. he looks like a dork on his bike, no one wants to talk to him, his bike handling skills are non-existent and he always leaves with the fast group only to get dropped.

I actually love getting a draft off of a Vespa, and some of the riders are kinda cool. The other day though, an 18 wheeler is in the bike lane, a vespa in front of me, as we come up to the truck, the vespa goes RIGHT and rides through the empty paking spaces the truck driver was too much of an asshole to park in. I go left becuase, that's what you're supposed to do and nearly get hit as the vespa come out from the other side as we both pass the the fornt of the truck at the same time.

People suck

Anonymous said...

Apparently not all ladies in Williamsburg like the fixters...
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/726985555.html

FIXED GEAR BIKE RIDING DUDE - w4m - 23 (WILLIAMSBURG)
Reply to: pers-726985555@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-20, 7:15PM EDT


You looked like such a jackass when you did that track stand at the light, and then again when you pulled up and 'dismounted' by kicking your leg over the handlebars! I asked you if you'd ever seen a velodrome and you replied "no, but my friend has a Bianchi". What a bunch of cheeseballs HAHA




* Location: WILLIAMSBURG
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Anonymous said...

last part owned!

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob - Not to argue here, but you actually can make an incredibly tasty cake without flour. Check out http://www.cacaoweb.net/flourlesschocolatecake.html for a recipe.

Or just drop in to any "hip" bakery/coffee place and ask for a "flourless" cake. You'll find one. Or flourless chocolate tortes. They're awesome.

And no, I'm not some organic vegan hippie. I like beer & BBQ.

Daddo said...

snob is still right becuase how can you make a flour-less chocolate cake (which i do agree is delicious) without the existence of flour?
that snobby - he knows things

broomie said...

Ahh Pure Joy! A Snob Buffet with everything I like in one line.

Thanks

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:28pm,

Thanks--I guess the Tour will manage without Levi after all then!

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

must nominate this entry as one of the snob's "best of". well done.

...its not discrimination if you hate everyone equally :)

Anonymous said...

Too bad "Ernest Freaking Hemingway" didn't get a flat tire, he might have gotten laid by a dumpster.

But with his remarkable writing skills he should definitely hit the big time with his book and then he will get a ton of tail.

What a douche.

Anonymous said...

Well done post, as always. So many topics, so much scorn.


Commie & others, I know you're talking in jest, but hard to believe you'd root for crashes out on the road. Love em or hate em - Vespas, bents, tri - it's a jungle out there . Any time the cages take out something on 2 wheels, we all loose.

Anonymous said...

Oh God. He's reading Krabbe's book as well. I'm willing to bet he refers to it as 'Der Renner' in conversation.

Ok, all snarkiness aside, I think a trip to ride in Europe would be brilliant, but maybe not in that kind of Sandy Hill-Pitman way. She was the chick that paid her way up Everest, as documented in Krakauer's book.

I both situations I wouldn't call either a climber, rather tourists.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC/RTMS said:

Anonymous 3:28pm,

Thanks--I guess the Tour will manage without Levi after all then!

--RTMS

Well, yes it might. It it can carry on after Festina, after a steady stream of former "winners" admit to doping, after Vino and Rasmussen and everything else, alas it will manage without Levi. But it won't be the same. Who in the world is going to finish 7th?

More importantly, will you be watching?

Anonymous said...

anon 3:15--

fixie lust, fixster lust, hipster lust, fg lust...

Nope, just doesn't sound right.

Anonymous said...

My favorite Mackey post was the the one in which he announced that he was going to learn how to fix a flat because "The Ride" was fast approaching.

Why would he want to know how to fix a flat? Won't he have a crew?

(As for the Manhattan Bridge -- okay, I confess to catching someone a few weeks ago after he blew by me while I was waiting half asleep at the stop light to get on to the bridge path.

When I pulled around to pass (because, honestly, who wants to slow down going uphill if you can avoid it?), he sped up.

So what else could I do but ride alongside him while humming the theme from Chariots of Fire?

It's true: life is better with a sound track.

But I won't sprint into the blind curve at the Manhattan end of the Bridge. I may be dumb, but I'm not crazy.

There could be a Vespa there.)

geetus said...

Dang, 3 for 1 -- you got an overabundance of material there. Speaking of menaces on the road, I'm sure the Snob is relieved to know that the drive-by-bike stabber has been apprehended.

http://wcbstv.com/local/queens.bicycle.stabbing.2.755656.html

Anonymous said...

a young guy on a Bianchi Pista with chopped flat bars, a middle-aged gentleman on an dayglo mountain bike with thumbshifters and a chipped and yellowed pie plate, and a woman on a Bianchi Volpe with fully-loaded panniers and a blinky light on the back of her helmet

That's funny, I am several hundred kilometers away and we have the same people on our commute.

Strayhorn said...

One of the many evils of the SUV craze is that they hiked the price on those vehicles to the point where the people they were originally designed for - carpenters, masons, etc - could no longer afford them.

But with resale prices off by 30% or so (at least according to the WSJ) many working stiffs are finding good deals on a replacement truck, although I bet they wonder why the ashtray was never used.

And now the hipsters have discovered scooters. This means the old guys in my area, riding along with their beards blowing in the wind and their football helmets held high, will soon be priced out of the market for the only ride they can afford after paying off the DWI lawyer.

I suppose those guys will be riding bicycles next. Soon they will be prowling Craigslist, typing "Campagnolo" into the search box. Or pestering the guys at the LBS for any unused frames.

Meanwhile, the hipsters, having abandoned bikes because they involve work, and scooters because they are cold and wet, will transition to the hybrid SUVs and go back to clogging up the highways.

Behold the circle of life.

Anonymous said...

I definitely think the new racing is "commuter" racing for sures. Here in SF, the biggest baddest commuter race happens twice a day down market street, called ye ol' market street race, or MSR.

Makes me laugh every time watching the hybrid riders with full face helmets race the tiny girl with a 40lb schwinn to each light I know they'll get caught at.

Anonymous said...

Mackey is a great guy, I think it's wonderful what he's doing.

Hey if you have the means, why not!

Mackey, you stool at the spotted pig is waiting for you when you want to throw back a 40 yr old tawny

-upperclass out!

Anonymous said...

2 words:
Commute Keirin

Anonymous said...

Upperclass - I'm sure Mackey is a great guy, but that's not what we focus on here. We make fun of things, and all things are make-fun-of-able, regardless of whatever not-make-fun-of-able aspects they may possess. If mother teresa came back from the dead and got herself a pista, we'd make fun of her. We wouldn't be saying she's a bad person, just a horrible cyclist.

Daddo said...

"During my ride last Saturday with a group of more experienced riders, the discussion turned to whether anyone would use the sort of extra drink holders that triathletes often fit behind the saddle."

there is like two weeks of Snob fodder in thaone sentence - a douche such a douche

Anonymous said...

Yeah, let's start looking to triathletes for inspiration. That's like asking a prostitute to teach sex ed. Or asking KevinFtMyass what's hip in the world of cycling.

RiceDaddy said...

"My name WAS Alex..." ?

Anonymous said...

the last bit would have been less nauseating if one of them had diarrhea

Daddo said...

i love "a group of more expereinced riders" ...like guys who have been on their bikes for three whole months!

carbonman said...

3 Days to Go... Mackey buys himself a Vespa (a red one, with a Cervelo-like paintjob) and completes l'Etape in record time.

Commie you are correct, too many skootrs in this town now, the worst of which are the ones that have actual pedals on them. Top speed about 20kmh or something and i've lost count of how many of these wankers i've seen in the frigging bike lane, tootling along. You almost do pray for la prix port for the little shits, oui?

Anonymous said...

No worries bra, Mackey and I were at a gallery opening and were laughing about the previous post.

He loves the publicity!

LK said...

Wow! That's a whole lotta art you posted!

Anonymous said...

The other day I was riding in the lane due to streetcar tracks and an upcoming left turn and a car passed me on the right by driving in the bike lane. Talk about a role reversal. This was no vespa.

Anonymous said...

This is not the first time you've mentioned copywriters in a post. Since when do art directors get off so easy? Or are you just pissed cause you didn't make it out to Cannes this year?

Anonymous said...

The fool rode through the shitty construction on 5th to and from sunset park/park slope just to drink tea and write books?

Nice excuse. Just say it. You're trying to relieve yourself of the giant boner popping out of your corduroys.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC/RTMS:
An excellent truly well written post and yet with a subtle feminine flair ... hmmmm ??!
Could Snobby be a Snobette ?

AMR said...

BSNYC,
You're right, 3 weeks is a long time . I will try not to watch it live (10pm-2am here)and will be trying to get some sleep to keep training instead.
On Levi, no one will notice his abscence anyway. In the other hand, everyone will miss Alberto.

Mackay,
Have the time of your life!
Most here could sell their PC games on eBay and buy themselves a trip to Europe. But they won't.

nic said...

I was biking home on the Greenway, a sort of bike/pedestrian only highway we have here in Minneapolis, when I saw some asshole on a scooter comes cruising in the bike lane from the opposite direction complete with a big stupid grin on his face.

Fuck that.

Anonymous said...

BGW Just worked you out. You are plagiarizing Kevin Klein from A Fish called Frilly. When are you going to kiss her sidis all over. Just suggestin, paddles charged up and a waitin

And I would pay hard Cannuck dollars to see the Snob stomping around in his crows nest with euro pirate head gear on , waving a hooked arm around furiously yelling “Thar she blows, a white pista of the port bow”

Cristy said...

I haven't laughed so hard all week. Thanks for the great post!

Anonymous said...

I however will be super glued to my rocking chair, bolt upright awaiting Cadel's attack. I 'll take No Doze for several weeks and shove match sticks under my eyelids just in case I miss that rivetting moment and Fab Phil dropping his microphone out of shock

Kevin Neidorf said...

I'm sorry, but I need to say that I absofuckingloutely love you so much.

Buffalo T-shirts said...

Funniest shit I've read in a long-ass time.

veloben said...

BSNYC/RTMS

Very nice.

Still fishing the charosets out of the ol' nasal cavity at the end of the day.

BTW what's the proper pump for interfacing with Vespa spokes? In a fun, non-crash inducing sort of way.

morgan said...

It's a shame; his inability to set aside some of his precious ("training") time watch one of the greatest movies of all time, doughbag.


Refund. Refund? REFUND!?

Anonymous said...

Andy Pandy--

No sidis, stilettos or kitten heels.

You & AC for Cadel. Me? I wish Fabian was just a little better climber.

sprider said...

f-ing brilliant! great post, great comments, life is back to normal. I didn't cringe once, or throw-up even a little reading today.

weather must be as nice everywhere as it was here today; maybe everyone got in a ride.

Anonymous said...

Silly Frilly. Sidis come with a fully detachable heel piece so you can screw your kitten heels in. Perhaps you and BikesGoneKevin can have a workshop on that. Mind you you you have to order the parts direct from the factory as they are not for the general public. As for Fab C , that boy sure has a motor

Anonymous said...

For serious, there was some kind of tectonic shift and RTMS has been on fire for a few weeks, holy hell. Right. On. Thank you sir.

Anonymous said...

Oh the possibilities.

And, do they ship in a plain wrapper?!? Gotta keep it clean for the neighbors.

Mongo Pusher said...

Letle Viride is opening up for Phish on a couple of dates in July.

Anonymous said...

Merckx eat scooter!

Anonymous said...

Really? Can you really chop a vespa wheel from a road bike? I've got to try that... better yet - get a picture of it...

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 10:53pm, 10:53pm, 10:54pm...ok, it's obvious by the time sequence that this is a 'cut & paste' hack job that serves no purpose other than disruption...

...so...while you like to pretend you live in another world, you're nothing but a hack...

...we're supposed to be impressed ???...

Unknown said...

Wow, I hadn't thought of the fact that with the increase of Scooter riders that I'd have yet another batch of locus to deal with. The angry people driving like maniacs, because it's 115 degrees outside are bad enough.

Yesterday, I was almost hit twice my this lady pulling out of a Christian Bookstore. When it's 115 what would Jesus do?

Anonymous said...

"You, sir, are Park Slope."

I am slain. Utterly slain. It may actually be possible to die of laughter.

bikesgonewild said...

...& while i'm at it & in such a good mood...

...ap...thats 2X not worth commenting but again "duly noted"...

Anonymous said...

"Just teasin", after all the serious name calling and troll baiting of the last few days with Kevin from the retirement village

AMR said...

andy pandy,
Watch Ricco this time!

morgan,
It is choice, not trend. And time is precious, very. By the way, if you think of it as a movie, you missed the whole thing.
Get a bike!

Anonymous said...

Thank god I'm not the only one. My vendetta against these little, fuckers has been validated. Scooter riders are the lowest rung of the road food chain.

Anonymous said...

The craigslist post "lie" about giving the girl a ride makes me want to move from my 15th and 8th ave apartment...thanks snob, i've been here for 5.5 years and the rent has never gone up, now I have to move.

Anonymous said...

the Tour needs Levi? Come on...light bulb head? let him stick to the ToC and all will be well.
and if you can't get excited about the tour it's definitely time to buy a scooter.
(or, go actually ride some of the cols....)
htfu.
-surferbruce

KevinFtMyers said...

BSNYC in a nutshell:

Snobby says: So and so is a goof, whatshis face is a jerk, and this and that is stupid. (Doing so very cleverly I must say.)

Sheep1 said:
podium!

Sheep2 said:
2nd! You are so right snobby!

Sheep3 said:
Snobby you are so cool

Sheep1 said:
Hey I was first! Great stuff snobby.

sheep9 said:
that was really funny snob!

sheep2 said:
you are so right snobby!

sheep5 said:
(some mildly clever obscure reference) that ultimately says:
you are so right snobby!

And all is pretty much regurgitated for 120 posts or so.

So, obviously this blog has more in common with some teen idol fan club official site, than an actual blog. Where 9 year old girls with braces spend all day talking about how cool their idol is and how everything they say or do is a revelation. So..whatever.

You probably think Im disgruntled, or heartbroken because I didnt fit in, but dont be delusional , Im about as upset as you would be to not fit in at vesparidersofamerica.tool.

Ill continue to read Snob, but anything past that is complete sheepshit.

Now you can begin the onslaught of juvenile, obscure reference, name calling insults, that that have about as much teeth as one of Robert Mackeys lame peice of shit articles.

OR

Say something that could be loosley considered intelligent, and insightful, that displays some evidence for higher thought, and this blog will be (for a breif moment)something better than a teen idol fan club.

KevinFtMyers said...

Know why being clever and witty is the rule on this blog?


Because you all have to find your own unique way to say basically the same fn thing:

Snobby is good, Snobby is right, or Snobby is funny.

Anonymous said...

Scooters v. Roller Bladers? Roller bladers infinitely more odious. Not as odious as Mr. McKay, but definitely loathsome.

Anonymous said...

Kevy, were you a New Kids on the Block fan who got upset when they got run over by the reindeer. Not to worry, they are making a comeback. Maybe you can actually afford a concert ticket and get an autograph this time.

Anonymous said...

I thought you weren't gonna post today Kevin. I guess you really do like us. Even though you pretend to be above all this commenting, you can't stay away.

Anonymous said...

Kev - You forgot to include sheep 999, who's pissed at himself for being late to the party and, instead of trying to fit it, decides he's gonna get attention by being a cocksucker, since that tactic used to work with his alcoholic dad.
God you're an idiot.

KevinFtMyers said...

Johnb,

Thanks for proving my point.

Ant1, Ive decided to stop posting altogether, so this morning is kind of my "swan song".

And I do like you (posters), Im not angry, I just think you guys have this thing dumbed down to the lowest common denominator. Its your choise, which is why this is my last day.

I can respect that this is the way you want it, whether I agree with it or not.

KevinFtMyers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Wow Kev, you decide to leave us alone, north korea gives up its nukes, what's going on here? Next thing you know, it'll be hip to put brakes on fixies.

It's been a pleasure though.

Anonymous said...

We have no ideals, Kev, we ARE the ideals.

Anonymous said...

Kevin, why would you read a blog from someone you don't agree with?
That would be incredibly fucking stup..oh, sorry.

Anon 10:53 looks like genius by comparison.

KevinFtMyers said...

Heres a bike tool analogy, you guys are like the multi tool, you are all hex wrenches attached to the same housing. Sure theres a few different sizes, but very little diversity.

I was the spoke wrench. No room for me on the multi tool, you dont even need to take me to go for a ride. But the spoke wrench has a place in the full kit at home.

So in short, this blog is the multi tool, and unfortunately one that doesnt see value in the other types of gear.

Take me out of the picture, I even see it with guys like amrcyclist, you all keep him at arms length too. Funny thing is, he probably has more in common with snobby than 90% of you.

Now Im sure someone will say "youre the adjustable wrench" or "youre the ball peen hammer" and thats okay, this comment is aimed at those who use a greater percentage of their brain and can see past the sarcastic remark set ups it contains. (You guys are soooo predictable.)

Anonymous said...

Kevin, "...I've decided to stop posting altogether..." Pinkyswear?

KevinFtMyers said...

Commie,

Pay attention, blog moving faster than usual today, and a bit more complex, Im not reading or posting comments after today, I think snob is funny and insightful, the people posting here...not so much.

KevinFtMyers said...

Wish,

Cyclists honor

AGL said...

Best post in a long time. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I like that the times guy is doing both the Giro and the Tour, hardly any bloggers or fantasy-campers do that any more . . . often they just focus their entire season on a single event. Here's hoping he does the simulated World Championship in the fall.

With regard to the "real girl," are we sure the author didn't actually mean a "Real Girl" TM.

Could it be that spoke cards and top-tube pads are out and expensive blow up dolls are now in?

tuppercole said...

Kevinyoufuckingretard,
You really don't get it. We are not all the same at all. Look at the regular commenters and you will see a broad cross section of cycling. The only thing we have in common is an ability to laugh when we get skewered, which RTMS does so well. He is able to recognize and mock the insecurities, vanities, and stick up the buttedness that so many cyclists have in common. He has admitted, more than once, that he suffers from some of the traits that he mocks, as do all of us. If you can't laugh at yourself, you will never fit in.

And we are all really sorry about the bad stuff that happened to you, that haunts every quiet moment in your life. Please get help from a professional.

KevinFtMyers said...

Sd, good post, now you ARE getting it, up until the last part, you slipped right back into high school cut down humor.

Theyve got a strong hold on you, but you seem strong, capable of higher thought, keep trying.

KevinFtMyers said...

By the way, as I said, I think snob is funny and insightful, and its for the exact same reasons you do, I just dont think cannibalizing his wit and sense of humor until its not even funny anymore good commentary.

Its like when someone tells a joke thats funny, then another guy changes it a little or adds to it, and its funny, but by the 4th or 5th guy its just played out.

You all seem to do that with about 30 guys.

Its just menotenous.

Maybe I got a bad cross section over the past week, maybe you guys are in a rut. Ill give you the benefit of the doubt.

I shouldnt generalize, not everyone fits into that catagory, but enough do to set the tone for this blog.

Anonymous said...

Jesus fucking dicks Kev, you must be the dumbest retard this side of your institution. SD is not just now getting it, he's had it, we've all gotten it a while ago. You're the one who has no clue. We've tried to educate you, but you're so thick nothing got through.

Hope you get a flat.

Anonymous said...

kev - "You all seem to do that with about 30 guys. "

Just like your mom.

BURN!!!!

(to all the posters I don't dislike, I apologize for getting so childish, I couldn't help myself)

Matt said...

To be fair, Kevin didn't comment on June 25th, he waited until June 26th.

Anonymous said...

Now I'm so glad my 2-year-old flushed my spoke wrench down the toilet the other day...

Anonymous said...

My multi-tool has a spoke wrench on it. That makes me more inclusive than all you non-spoke-wrench-having-on-your-tool people. Awesome tool analogy!

Anonymous said...

Kevin, the only real lack of any insight here is from you. I'd have had some respect if you just stopped commenting as you said you would, but in the end, you just come across as 10x the attention-seeking loser.
Stop enforcing negative stereotypes about people from America's Wang.

Anonymous said...

an inspired piece of journalism. ty

Anonymous said...

Speaking of tools, Have you guys met Kevin yet?

Anonymous said...

fuck me, the horrible came back. anyways, the tour. who cares. dopers win. guys under suspicion get booted mid-tour. the only parts you can hope to be exciting are the climbing stages. and lets be honest, the best climbers are the biggest dopers. unless little levi is perched on a tall bike, camera on shoulder, i'm not gonna bother. it's not even the doping. it's the flip/flopping shit management of the whole scene. posturing holier than thou ass-pounders who could give a rat's ass about the health of the riders that actually DO the riding. IMAGE is everything. SUBSTANCE is unimportant. but it's everywhere. we'll watch a fella who looks honest. who has great plans, be turned into a warmongering prick within 8 months. he'll still be saying the same things. still seemingly honest and somewhat inspiring. but for all his WANTING to do the right thing, it's already been decided. very sad.

bk jimmy said...

Kevin,

I don't know how the melee with you & others here got started, but if you truly want to elevate the conversation then you have a responsibility to avoid being judgmental and condescending regardless of the tone set by anyone else. Maybe it's not intentional, but you come across like you have a superiority complex, especially when you belittle people, oversimplify, and start delineating higher & lower orders of intelligence. That's just icky.

Anonymous said...

"the tour. who cares." Your arguments are applicable to all racing, be it the tour, giro, or even non-cycling events. It's true that the situation is not ideal, but it's the situation we have. Just because the air is polluted doesn't mean I'll stop breathing it. If you think watching non-televised amateur races is a better alternative, be my guest, but if you want to see pros racing each other, with multiple camera feeds, time gaps, and commentating, your options are limited.

Anonymous said...

Hey everyone, I have to hand it to him, KFTM is in the right for once, he is a tool.

Anonymous said...

Kevin --

You are absolutely right of course.

I am sure your refund check will be in the mail shortly.

While waiting for it, consider that the tool you used to describe yourself is also known as a nipple wrench: Useful for bikes. Not so great for social occasions.

Now, one last question: How can we miss you if you don't go away?

No need to answer. It's rhetorical.

Go have a great ride.

Anonymous said...

i agree with you ant1. just not inspired, personaly, to watch this year. allowing a doper to win year after year then booting ras 'cause or rumors really ended it for me. and really it's not the doping. just tired of the way everything looks today. need a holiday i think. cheers, sorry for the downer. oh wait...the air is polluted and you will stop breathing it some day. see? its outta control. sorry again

Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB IS HOMO!

Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE GAY!

Anonymous said...

BLOW ME!

Anonymous said...

bikesnob

Anonymous said...

i've got a big dick, if you want to see, blow me!

Anonymous said...

bikesnob is racist!

Anonymous said...

discrimination may be the reason for miscommunication.

Anonymous said...

sidewalk says, "bikesnob rides his bike on me".

areUpake? said...

how come after 24 hrs the comments degrade into this spam. Spam is worse then kevin. At least he was doing what he thought is right.

Anonymous said...

fuck you!

Anonymous said...

anon 12:03--

Have to agree with you & ant1, I'm just not feeling inspired to watch this year. Even though there are tons of opportunities for 'silly frilly' to indulge in serious roadie lust, none of my favorites are going to be there cuz of doping rumours/confirmations. And, sure there are going to be two American teams & theoretically, we should all be stoked but face it, they're just not that charismatic. Unless Millar starts throwing bikes again.

Anonymous said...

If I see this hardcore filth left on my blog again I am shutting it down. I will then retire to drink a hot steamy glass of my own piss. Kevin is coming with me.

Anonymous said...

suck shorthairs dick!

Anonymous said...

Short hair --

What makes you think that isn't Kevin?

Anonymous said...

this blog stinks..it smells like bikesnob's mom's pussy.

Anonymous said...

ant1

are you deliberately quoting built to spill?

areUpake? said...

leroy - I respect kevin even though he was dumb, at least he stood up for himself and wasn't underhanded.

Anonymous said...

well i'm on the terrorist side of your border and we actually have 2 canucks riding this year frilly. maybe ryder can pull something outta the proverbial bag,but it's pretty unlikely. and it's not the riders. it's the general feel. just don't care.

Anonymous said...

http://www.topeak.com/products/Tools

There seem to be a lot of multi tools with spoke wrenches on them.
Maybe that means that Kevin really is a part of this but he just doesn't feel like he fits in because nobody thinks of a multi tool having a spoke wrench.
Maybe he is some sort of proprietary spoke wrench for Ksyriums or Spinergys or something like that and he'll never really fit in with anything because he'll be outdated when next year's model comes out. Who knows?

Anonymous said...

ant1, I agree that bike racing is just not good TV. But then again, what is good TV? TV? NASCAR? Watching a bunch of mouth-breathers go in circles for two hours? Golf? they are still traumatized by the fact that the best golfer has slightly darker skin, same deal with F1.

My solution: bike racing on TV should be track racing, but on a figure eight track with a jumping ramp. Let Levi fly.

Anonymous said...

By the way, I'm starting anew campaign now that the BBB (Bring back bitter) campaign was such a success.
It's PAPOFHN: Post a Pic of Frilly, hopefully naked.

Mamsterla said...

If ya go back to the Mellow Johnny's pics, you can pretty much tell that Snobby's fingers look masculine - bike grease and all.

Anonymous said...

"Its just menotenous."

WTF... no spell checker?!

Anonymous said...

You're right, the new scooterists suck. BUT- I am a seasoned scootersist with two-tone side panels on my 1964 Lambretta (which goes 70mph) and a Davida helmet. (Obviously BSNYC knows a thing or two about scooters...) I've got 2 fixies and a road bike too (all of them steel).... "Scootersists" are not the problem. STUPID PEOPLE are the problem. I'm a cautious driver (when I drive) and obey the rules, respecting my fellow cyclists/motorcyclists.
The elitist attitude gets us nowhere. It makes everyone hate everyone (and think we have nothing in common). Hating all scooterists is stupid. I've been riding a scooter since most of you were in gradeschool. Cope, fuckers.

KevinFtMyers said...

Just for the record...Mr potty mouth guy, is NOT me.

AMR said...

BikeSnobNYC said...
... I will then retire to drink a hot steamy glass of my own piss. Kevin is coming with me.
June 26, 2008 12:21 PM

Some will be devasted for not getting an invite... but there is always TV.

Aso, I hope you are referring to: http://www.pi55.com/ or you will be starting another trend with some of the followers who can hardly consider the use of such act as a romantic technique and usually undertaken by more than one player.

Keep riding & keep writing, the whole lot of you!

Anonymous said...

Awwww turn your frown upside down! Nothing is more fun than motorpacing an underpowered scooter or moped, especialy when they realize what you are up to and try to speed away.

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