Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The BSNYC Holiday Gift Guide

I generally treat the holiday season like a cyclocross race--I keep my head down, try not to crash, and pretend it isn't happening. Unfortunately, though, no matter how determined you are to ignore it it's inevitable that you're going to have to participate in it at some point by buying someone a gift. If you find it absolutely necessary to buy a cyclist a gift this holiday season, here's a list that will hopefully help you get the whole ordeal overwith and get back to riding:



Roadies


This is the time of year when amateur road racers across the country work on designing their team kits for next season. And as all roadies know, the more brightly colored the kit the more pro you look. Unfortunately, though, some of these colors can also be translucent, and even the most dedicated roadies stop shaving at the upper thigh. If your team happens to wear light colors you can easily fall victim to VBS, or "Visible Bush Syndrome." That's right, I'm talking about that embarassing dark shadow in the crotchal region that can ruin your next podium appearance. Fortunately, pubic hair dye is easily available. It's inexpensive and it comes in a variety of colors, including Passion Plum, Intense Red, Amber Flame, and Carmine Pink (formerly T-Mobile). It's the perfect gift for the special roadie in your life.



Fixed-Gear Freestylers
Wanna make a fixed-gear freestyler happy? Well, nothing makes them happier than skidding. Unfortunately though, while epic-length stem-humping skids are fun, they're also tough on tires, and a dedicated FGF can go through more Armadillos in a month than a tractor-trailer on a Texas highway. That's why airless tires make a perfect gift. Sure, the ride quality is terrible, but it's about skidding, not riding. Best of all, you don't have to change a tire until you hit rim! (Or until your rear wheel looks like a decagon.) He or she will be skidding like a drunken teenager from Greenwich in Daddy's BMW on prom night!


Commuters
Commuting by bicycle is all about two things: smugness and safety. And while your favorite bicycle commuter probably already has all the "One Less Car" stickers and t-shirts he needs, he can always be safer. Now he can burn with the brightness of a thousand suns--or at least three million candlepower units--with a hand-held spotlight! There won't just be One Less Car--there'll be like fifty less cars when he blinds oncoming drivers with an output equivalent to roughly thirty automotive headlights and runs them clear off the road. Why not help him take back the streets by taking away someone's retinas this holiday season?


BMXers



The year was 1987. In movie theaters, we were thrilled by "Robocop," swept away by "Dirty Dancing," and laughing at "Full Metal Jacket." On TV, we were delighted by the antics of "Alf," "Night Court," and "60 Minutes." And on our Walkmans, Michael Jackson was still "Bad," Bon Jovi was "Slippery When Wet," and we were swept away by the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack. We were also in the grip of Scooter Mania. That's right, freestyle BMX-inspired scooters were all the rage. For a brief and exceedingly dorky moment America's top riders tore up the half-pipes on the Mongoose Miniscoot, the Dyno Zoot Scoot, and the General Sidekick. Sadly, those days are gone. But what BMX enthusiast wouldn't want to own a piece of the most embarassing chapter in BMX history? If you'd like to help him--or if you're looking to stay on the cutting edge of retro-chic--head on over to http://www.bmxmuseum.com/ and check out the classifieds.




Freeriders, Gravity Riders and Other Wearers of Full-Face Helmets



If you've got a friend or loved one who rides a bike that looks like it should have a motor and weighs over 40 pounds, chances are he'll love the THE Torch sweatshirt, forwarded to me by a reader. This is the ideal garment for riders who also enjoy things like paintball, DJing, bands like Korn, and first person shooter games with racist overtones. It's also a great gift for messengers--not the fixed-gear messengers everyone likes to copy, but those other messengers who ride mountain bikes , wear goggles and full body armor, and don't get invited to parties in Williamsburg.

Cyclocrossers

Sure, every cyclocrosser worth his cantis has a pair of Crocs and a pair of knee-high rubber boots in the rear of his Subaru. But only the most dedicated have a pair of full-on waders. These are absolutely essential when you're on pit duty for a friend or teammate in the Florida everglades, the La Brea Tar Pits, or parts of Oregon. (Includes a handy pocket for storing GU packets, cowbells, and the shards of your dignity.)



Tourers

While roadies tend to be clean-shaven, touring cyclists generally occupy the other end of the grooming spectrum. Here, hairy legs that evoke Spanish moss and beards that creep unnervingly eyeballward are the norm. For these riders, normal grooming tools can be inadequate. That's why canine-inspired stripping knives make for a perfect addition to any tourist's panniers. And don't forget to include this handy guide--all your favorite SPD sandal enthusiast needs to do is find the dog he'd most like to look like and cut away.




Randonneurs


What Francophilic cyclist wouldn't love the gift of cheese? It's perfect for nibbling by the fire after that Brevet as you peruse the "Rivendell Reader," pet your loyal Alsatian, and inch your spouse ever closer to divorce by holding forth on your feelings regarding fenders, lugs, and braze-ons.

Recumbent Riders

Finally, for that rider in your life who hasn't given up lying on his back with his feet flailing in the air, give the gift of on-the-bike entertainment with a mobile. It's easy to install, it will amuse and delight him as he rides, and it will even make him more visible to motorists. He'll slobber in his beard with delight!

77 comments:

Karl Rover said...

Sweet!

Anonymous said...

Man...hook me up w/ someone who'll shop off my bike shit list.

Anonymous said...

balls

Anonymous said...

Podium!!!!!

Anonymous said...

D'oh!!!

Anonymous said...

You there on the podium. You are disqualified for not reading the post first. The top tier goes to: me.

Daniel said...

sarcasm on the internet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Evershed said...

tt

Anonymous said...

I hope you bought stock in Airless tires like it just did, the hipsters are going to make me rich

Strayhorn said...

Bikini color?

I have now officially Seen Everything.

Anonymous said...

"I generally treat the holiday season like a cyclocross race--I keep my head down, try not to crash, and pretend it isn't happening."

perfect.
don't forget to drink a lot at the end of either events.

Anonymous said...

baby mobiles for recumbent riders = genius!

Anonymous said...

holy shit. i used to have a 3 million lumen spotlight. that thing was fun.

also, are there really messengers who wear full body armor? i've seen the mountain bikes, but not the body armor.

and finally, last week in greenpoint i saw a guy wearing a shirt that said simply "bike messenger." he was with a friend wearing a shirt from some sort of messenger oriented film festival. they both had pristine expensive looking messenger bags. their "i just received my liberal arts degree" aura coupled with their ridiculously caluclated look made me instantly think of this blog.

Jim said...

Randonneurs... the only cyclists as dedicated, skillful, and completely batshit insane about bikes as roadracers. I highly commend randonees to my roadie friends. Need a little Zone 2 rebuilding in mid-season? Take a 400 mile ride averaging 17 MPH. For a day! I love those crazy bastards. In a wholesome way of course.

Speaking of the Rivendell Reader - Grant writes that the new Ribbit cantilever brakes from Tektro, patterned after the old Mafacs, have a straddle cable carrier that is adjustable so that you can snug up the carrier/cable adjustment, and ensure that the cantis are perfectly equidistant from the rim. Then he says it doesn't make any sense and can't figure out why anybody would want something modern and trick like that on a set of brakes like this. Um, maybe because it stops that condition so common to cantilevers, where one pad emits smoke during the last 98% of every ride, while the other brake pad is in danger of stopping the bike next to you, like it used to be in the good old days? Then it hit me... I just wasn't getting Grant's ethos. The ethos is, "Boy, did it ever suck back then... but we had fun suffering through it so that's the way it oughtta be, now and forever, amen."

It hit me that maybe there's a market for that kind of thing. So I've decided to call him this afternoon and pitch my idea for a bunch of burlap sack and hair shirt-based cycling jerseys, some chain lube made from sperm whale oil and seal blubber (the animal, not the former pop star), and a Velocipedist Training Bible with routines centered around cold baths, the ingestion of saltpeter and patent medicines, and various foods, garments and exercises to assist with Mortification of the Flesh.

It can't miss.

Anonymous said...

At first I was kind of interested in the pubic hair coloring ad.

Then I found fascinating.

Then I was incredibly interested.

Then I wasn't interested at all.

erik k said...

what about portable folding step stools for the tall bike crowd?

Anonymous said...

BSNYC --

Great gifts, but I think the Visible Bush Syndrome phenomena will be over in about a year.

We should also see the demise of the unfortunate body piercing practice known as the Dick Cheney.

As for the commuter spot light ....

I wouldn't mind getting one of those in my stocking if it comes in carbon, can be set to blink and has an attachment for a helmet mount.

Sure helmet mounted lights look dorky, but "safety first" I always say.

And besides, I'll need a free hand to work the boom box wired to play a loop of an electronic voice intoning "We come in peace"
after I point the commuter light at motorists.

Anonymous said...

C'mon, bro! It's the crotchless waders you want.

Frederick's of Sheboygan has 'em.

Yer welcome,

E

Anonymous said...

"and finally, last week in greenpoint i saw a guy wearing a shirt that said simply "bike messenger." he was with a friend wearing a shirt from some sort of messenger oriented film festival. they both had pristine expensive looking messenger bags. their "i just received my liberal arts degree" aura coupled with their ridiculously caluclated look made me instantly think of this blog."

Clayton--

As a former mess and a liberal arts college grad, my experience has been that it's the art school kids who have bikes for fashion--there's always been some political intent from the liberal artsy kids, I've found.

But maybe you were making fun of those who go to BU and get a degree in "Liberal Arts," meaning that their parents paid too much money for the school not to give them something for it.

In that case, carry on.

Anonymous said...

mario: i'm a recent liberal arts grad.

anyway, it seems to me the population of fakengers or whatever they're called is made up equally by art school and liberal arts grads. at least that's what i gathered after a year in williamsburg. the people who use bikes as fashion, however, seem to come from many walks of life.

Anonymous said...

Bikini color? Unfortunately no self respecting roadie would use this product. Fortunately my race team has a waxing spa as a sponsor and the Manzillian takes care of all those potentially embarrasing poduim shots. If your team doesn't have a waxing sponsor then think about the good old fashioned merkin, all of the pube coloration and none of the peroxide in your junk.

Cheers!

LK said...

Fellow Americans and other excessive shoppers:

Ready Set Go!!!!!!!

This website site would go great with that Torch-ure sweatshirt. I hope it comes in carbon fiber.....

http://www.inovalight.com/

Jim: That Velocipedist Training Bible is a Creationist text, Yes?

Klaatu barada nikto.

Anonymous said...

The recumbent piece made me LOL. Also, this was suggested by a bikeforum.net member Yoshi: " I want to start a brand of cigarettes called "Roadies." They would be marketed toward the fixed-gear hipster crowd and bent riders."

Anonymous said...

Why nothing for MTBers? Where's the love? Maybe one of these for the stocking: http://tinyurl.com/2o48at

Ski Bike Junkie said...

My wife and I were talking about friends of ours who hide their gray and wondered whether they color their pubes as well. I insisted there must be some who do. Turns out I was right.

Jim said...

That Velocipedist Training Bible is a Creationist text, Yes?

Yes, yes, of course it's a creationist text. In fact, it starts with the following verse:

"In the beginning was the darkness. And out of the darkness upon great Hanjin cargo arks came the light, known to its followers as the Bridgestone RB-2. Yea verily, did Grant Peterson gaze upon it, and say, 'it is good. Or at least good enough'."

BikeSnobNYC said...

Santa's Little Helper,

Here's one that will let them piss all over the roadies.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

The word recumbent + a baby playing with a mobile = priceless, I'm wiping tears from my eyes

Anonymous said...

WTF?! they don't make "ethnic cleansing" for mac OS X?

brother yam said...

jim,

you wanna sell grant? come up with a front rack for a pennyfarthing and watch his eyes light up...

Anonymous said...

http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2007/dec/2/GGehrke.htm

Wooden bars? Fish in a barrel.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC-You are the funniest f-cker on the web. I am awed

Anonymous said...

jim at 1:52 -

There is already a randonneur crowd for the products and ethos you described:

http://www.rapha.cc/continental/

They even talk about the "suffering" you so eloquently referenced. If they didn't seem so earnest I would say it is an exercise in self-parody.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather plaster my friends bikes with BSNYC stickers. Have you actually sold out of stickers? Or is "I've sold out, apparently" ironic and I'm just gullible?

Just want to know before I plunk down my hard earned cash.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:13pm,

It's irony, so if you decide to plunk, do so with confidence.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

I like the THE hoodie. Now I don't have to worry about forgeting my gimp mask at home when I roll out.

Anonymous said...

rivendell with cheese

Anonymous said...

Oh crap! Now any time someone at church abbreviates "Vacation Bible School" I'm going to blush and giggle.

Anonymous said...

I don't know why you guys can't appreciate the bikini color.

You must not have sponsors with enough money to fully kit you out. I know my girlfriend thinks it's odd that I've painted and shaved a logo in my pubes but that's the price you have to pay when Bob at Bob's Cement and Steak House tosses money around.

Anonymous said...

I ride for Bob's --

Ehh, it ain't hard core unless you can shave the logo on your back.

Anonymous said...

So bsnyc --

When is Primal going to come out with a Bike Snob jersey?

I was gonna ask Santa for one, but the security guards at the mall wouldn't let me stand in line unless I had kids with me. And of course my kids just flat out refused to come along.

Honestly, it's enough to make me want to go tease Bill "There's-A-War-on-Christmas" O'Reilly by sending him a "Happy Holidays" card.

Anonymous said...

HAVE YOU EVER READ VICE MAGAZINE DOS AND DON"TS. HAHAHA. IT IS LIKE THIS BLOG.

Bluenoser said...

The Snob said...

"Finally, for that rider in your life who hasn't given up lying on his back with his feet flailing in the air"

Ah Snob, that was too good. The part about the beard headed for the eyes was pretty fine also.

Jim,
Maybe you could name that jersey after Saint John the Baptist. He was into that kind of clothing wasn't he?

-B

Anonymous said...

Hmm... I've recently noticed that:

a) I've taken to enjoying longer, less intense rides,

b) my facial hairline does seem to be creeping upwards,

c) I'm determined to learn to braze, even if welding bored me into a coma.

Oh Lord, have I become... a randonneur?

RMM said...

Ruthless

Anonymous said...

You see, I've been thinking of this blog now during my "normal" waking hours. All of a sudden, I was remembering the Pletcher rack. And now I have an excuse to say, "Pletcher." "Pletcher!" You know those things that used vice grip action to attach to your seat stays, were flimsey as hell, always tilted at an angle and looked awesome holding a basketball? The gift of love, "Pletcher."

Anonymous said...

You were looking for the next trend?

Look no further: Scrapers.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=geIsWq5xOSE

Don't believe me? Then go here:

http://bikeportland.org/2007/12/12/scene-on-the-street-a-colorful-scraper-bike/

Yep, Portland:East Bay::Rolling Stones:Chuck Berry

The style biting continues.

Anonymous said...

Scraper bikes! WOW! At least these guys aren't riding recumbents..

"cruzin on my scraper bike...'

SeattleM&M said...

Uhhh...racist "overtones"?

Anonymous said...

i learned to ride 2 wheels on my bmxish scooter. don't need no training wheels sucka.

clayton:
no messengers i know actually wear body armor. the x-men, however:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSgKEpcwliQ&feature=related
straight '94 stylee.
"these guys are mental nuts"

Scottie said...

I saw that "scraper bike" youtube video a while ago and couldn't figure out what the devil a "scraper bike" is. Then anon 7:39pm posted that article, which made it even less clear.

I think it's due for a BSNYC parody so we can all learn what this fad actually is before it consumes us.

Ringo Chen said...

"He'll slobber in his beard with delight!"

Anonymous said...

WOW! the x-men! amazing.

Anonymous said...

Gadzooks. Words fail me.

Anonymous said...

could...i...be...

lantern rouge?

Anonymous said...

...notta chance, anon 11:20pm...i just got through doing a 'nativity scene' w/ my new "smart bikini color"...

...lookin' sharp for the holidays...glued a polished ti brake bolt in my navel for the star of bethlehem...

Brad G said...

Back to tires, here's an offical skid test. http://bp1.blogger.com/_hTyj3OL-9CE/RzNV7aSbYoI/AAAAAAAAABA/YqKUmPsjnIw/s1600-h/DSCN8606.JPG For the person who doesn't know how to slow down.

Brad

Anonymous said...

Leroy @ 5:25 -

I can't shave my backhair... I catch so many bugs in my backhair when I ride shirtless that the government has declared my back a federally protected wetland.

Yeah, it sucks but I get grant money to ride and ensure that my back never dries - I have to protect the North American Green Tailed Jigger or something.

How's that for hardcore?

Anonymous said...

leroy,

he would laugh at you not with you.

Anonymous said...

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for life...... The 3,000,000 candle power light is such a gift. You could strap it on your head as pointed out and negotiate your way through the troubled mean streets of your town with out spending a life savings on fuel, to your new business..... A suntan saloon( where else could you use such a powerful light source) and merkin dying centre. Later on that day a little leg hair styling with a wind swept look for those outdoor-sie folk. Sweep the hair up and sell it to Calfee to be braided as brake cables. Imagine the wealth

Anonymous said...

I ride for Bob's -- It's cold up there in Idaho huh Justin?

Anonymous said...

Not sure about Idaho... but it's wicked cold in Ohio.

db said...

Trust me, it's cold in Idaho, too.

Anonymous said...

I ride for Bob's --

Okay, that's hardcore!

Anon 12:18 AM --

Did you mean Santa or O'Reilly would laugh?

If you're talking bout Bill O'Reilly, anything that makes him chuckle has to be a good thing.

Honestly, that poor man is always crabby about something silly.

It's almost like he reached for his loofa and picked up a falafel by mistake.

Anonymous said...

Pinchfinger,

You in Philly?

Jeffro

Anonymous said...

oops...you got me several times with this one. nice work. that said...jim is a hater and should stop being so hatefully hateful. as for suffering? c'mon any "real" rider knows the beauty and necessity of suffering, which gives some perspective to the day to day. sometimes ride to get someplace, sometimes ride for fun, sometimes to hurt, and (hopefully) sometimes combine all three. not every day is a bikepath commute from your fridge to your computer. go spew bile somewhere else, and leave the delicious irony to those that know.

Nick said...

You're pubic dye for the roadies only has one flaw. It doesn't address this problem:

http://www.32sixteen.com/wp-content/uploads/polish.jpg

Anonymous said...

I'll take one of those spotlights. Ever since I was almost run over by a guy who also had to blow right through a stop sign to do it I've migrated to shades of bright red and yellow, but it just isn't enough.

Anonymous said...

ha ha VERY funny motherfucker!!

Anonymous said...

BS,
Thanks for the visual on the decagon
BC

Anonymous said...

Hey ,

Sounds great that you know all about your stuff! Its intriguing when you speak to someone who knows what they speak about, as oppose to reciting it from someone else they learned from. I can see you are very experienced and with your credentials it is quite obvious that you will make it far in life, or have already made it far in life :)

Alexander Over Street said...

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart. .. hope a good week end and good blogging!!!

Unknown said...

Hello, I just stumbled across your blog and I'm really enjoying it!

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