Wednesday, October 31, 2007

BSNYC TV: Putting Bikes on the Air

I find it both surprising and disappointing that in these days of specialized programming and infinite cable channels there isn't more bicycle-related television. Sure, there's Versus and their potent cocktail of professional road racing, rodeo, and hockey, but after that it's a precipitous drop into the world of public access cycling shows. And while I applaud their DIY efforts, watching grainy helmet-cam images of neon windbreaker-clad men with helmet cams on hybrids is more like watching moon rover footage than cycling programming. After that, the only thing left is Youtube. So I say that, like the trackstand-impaired, we put our collective foot down and demand some shows. Here is some of what what you'll be able to see on my fantasy network:

The Fixies

These four Brooklyn-based, mop-topped, fixed-gearin’ bandmates pick up where “The Monkees” left off. They’ll skip-stop and trackstand their way into your heart as they make their way from gig to gig, girl to girl, and comic predicament to comic predicament. You’ll love how the denouement of every episode involves them scrambling frantically to make it to a gig to the strains of their own ersatz indie-pop. Season one highlights include:

--The gang gets lost on the way to the Bohemian Hall in Astoria, winds up in East New York, and tries not to get jumped for their bikes;

--Blaine “borrows” Fab’s custom-painted Aerospoke to impress a hot date, robbing him of precious street cred on the day of the big alleycat. Recriminations and hijinx ensue;

--The special “Christmas in Hawaii” episode has the airline losing the gang’s baggage and they’re forced to travel around the Big Island on wicker tricycles;

--When Sherrod gets a geared bike and falls in with the roadie crowd, the band must show him the error of his lycra-clad ways. The hilarious ruse the guys use to trick Sherrod into showing up for the intervention puts the “sham” back in “chamois cream;”

--Christophe attempts to wrench his own bike rather than take it to the shop and loses his fretting digits to his NJS drivetrain. Fortunately the hospital is able to reattach them, but he won’t be able to play that night. Will special guest Thurston Moore save the day?

The Jobst Brandt Show

The irrascible author of “The Bicycle Wheel” begrudgingly allows guests into his home and systematically berates them while extolling the virtues of non-anodized rims. His imperious browbeatings are interspersed with impossibly tall tales of his Alpine cycling exploits such as: the time he descended so quickly his brake pads burst into flames; the time he found himself without a spare tube, killed a bear, and fashioned one from its intestines; and the time he accidentally created the Loire river by dragging his frame pump behind him.

America’s Next Top Bicycle Mail-Order Catalog Model

This behind-the-scenes look at what it takes to make it in the cutthroat world of windbreaker, helmet and half-short modeling is sure to be nothing short of incendiary. Experience first-hand the sex, drugs, and excessive energy-drink consumption that takes place behind the cameras as a group of decent-looking ,corn-fed, and ethnically homogenous Midwesterners vie for the coveted fall Performance catalog cover. You’ll gain newfound respect for the production assistants who must teach these non-cycling J. Crew catalog rejects how to operate velcro, get into and out of clipless pedals, and in some cases how to ride bicycles.

The “Long Travel” Show

What do you get when you mix travel to exotic locales, freeriding, and extreme environtmental and cultural insensitivity? Awesomeness, that’s what! Watch as this fun-loving crew travels to some of the most amazing places on earth and completely shreds them. These guys are about platform pedals, not platitudes. In the debut episode they hit China, dam a Yangtzee river tributary so they can ride what their sonar indicates should be a “gnarly” riverbed, and consequently kill off the last of the baiji dolphins, also known as “pandas in water.” Then it’s off to Easter Island, where the famous ruins make for great riding and the traditional culture offers plenty of opportunities to offend. Comic misunderstandings will abound when the freeriders disgust the locals with their brusque manners, insatiable thirst for alcohol, and repeated offers of money for sex. And sparks will really fly when east meets west and the crew hits Mecca for some urban assault riding just in time for Ramadaan...

Paris-Breast-Paris

“Baywatch” meets “The Bachelorette” by way of “The Amazing Race” in this shameless ratings-boosting ploy in which a group of voluptuous women compete in a series of brevets to determine which one will win the hand of newly-single French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Bike Law and Order: Fashion Victims Unit

In the first episode, “Something Rotten in the State of Denmark,” a controversial and misanthropic New York cycling blogger makes an innocent and lame joke about a fixed-gear-related t-shirt produced by a Danish company. The next day, he is flamed like a Norwegian church by an anonymous commenter whose first language does not appear to be English. Shortly thereafter the blogger disappears. The FVU team then uncovers angry chatter on a Danish internet forum. Is the t-shirt model responsible? Will the blogger be found? Will his Chicago counterpart be able to stand in for him successfully? Or is the fact that the FVU team doesn’t speak a word of Danish leading them down the wrong path altogether? Tune in to find out!

96 comments:

Anonymous said...

in your face work 1 comment didnt even read it!

Anonymous said...

I read it

thefutureofamerica said...

Me, too. First non-anon!

Anonymous said...

ok now i read it and i stil sucx at typgin in your face world!

Mamsterla said...

This was awesome - worth the extra wait today. Fixies could really get made. Scary but true. If you get Thurston, could you make sure Kim and Lee appear too. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you're catching that much flak for the paria comment. I've dated a few different fixie hipsters and their intense love of skinny jeans and the eating disorders required to get their pabst addled butts into them tends to leave them in a grammar/spelling crippling fog.

And don't get me started on the brain damage that seems to come from the incessant love of 'rattle canning' deep V's and frames to match their outfits (or to match the graffiti on the wall so their pic in FGG is colour coordinated).

The dutch fixters must be a tad sharper than their American counterparts. (Or a little more sensitive. AW POOR BABIES!!)

LK said...

The Fashion Victim sequence really started with the outfit your stand-in wore in Bicycling Magazine.

What's this?

"...and consequently kill of the last of the baiji dolphins,..."

Anonymous said...

eh, so so.

Prolly said...

"The next day, he is flamed like a Norwegian church"

Gorgoroth?

Strayhorn said...

Having been in high school (and impressionable) when The Monkees were extant, I'm appalled that their exploits translate so easily into the Indie world.

Has the world not come any further? I fear that evolution has stopped if not reversed.

Anonymous said...

"the time he descended so quickly his brake pads burst into flames; the time he found himself without a spare tube, killed a bear, and fashioned one from its intestines"

This sounds like something the BikeSnob at the LBS would say to maintain his 'cred in the store whenever someone starts talking about a ride they completed. Seems sitting on his butt in the store has left him so angry he has to prove his worth by telling the world about his imaginary ride last week.

Brialliant post as always BSNYC!

Anonymous said...

"the time he descended so quickly his brake pads burst into flames; the time he found himself without a spare tube, killed a bear, and fashioned one from its intestines"

This sounds like something the BikeSnob at the LBS would say to maintain his 'cred in the store whenever someone starts talking about a ride they completed. Seems sitting on his butt in the store has left him so angry he has to prove his worth by telling the world about his imaginary ride last week.

Brialliant post as always BSNYC!

Anonymous said...

You forgot a perennial favorite: Bob Ross, "The Joy of (Bike) Painting"

Features the following American awesomeness: landscape & patriotic motifs (including red white & blue bikes), cool animals and their totemic meanings, neon fades, and BBQ black and black.

Includes fun techniques you can do yourself including appliqué, decals, seventies pinstriping, the full electric tape method, and the ultimate "one color including tires with a spray can" method. Also special episodes include reasons why not to use latex or water-based paints, "why my bike needed repainting does not mean it is stolen", and "how to squeeze your 70s perm-fro into a helmet without damage".

sh said...

Bike Law and Order: Fashion Victims Unit

I can't wait for the syndicated reruns - the residuals alone will keep our coffee houses flush with dollar Roast-of-The-Day orders...

Anonymous said...

I read today's installment with a touch of sadness because there's probably no way you can keep this up indefinitely.

In the meantime, ow about adding a cartoon crime-fighter show to the lineup-maybe the SnotRocketz?

Anonymous said...

Aww BSNYC, take heart, don't you know Slipstream just premiered their new Reality TV show pilot?

Anonymous said...

"I fear that evolution has stopped if not reversed."

On a serious note... you're on to something there. Life expectancies in Western cultures are expected to decline in the coming decades (if you don't count propping people up with machines and drugs in hospitals, I'm talking about natural life expectancies).

On a related note; obesity and related diseases are literally starting to spread (ahem) in China as their middle class grows (cough).

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

BS I would gather from the tone of the majority of the posters are way to young to refernce the Monkees or even Sonic Youth, cmon you've got fifth graders racing to post first.
I'm thinking White Shadow meets Goodtimes sprinkled with some key themes from Kevin bacons Quicksilver(the best movie ever):
Eastern European former olympic coach introduces a diverse group of wayward youths from the rough side of Park Slope to the world of cycling.
First episode, the coach new to Brooklyn gets robbed by some bloods and his soon to be star rider(guided by the gentle hand of this Phillip Drummondesque liberal guilt-free ex doper) is the leader of the pack, endless possibilities.

Woogie said...

You forgot BiPs.

A fast paced police drama featuring the exploits of two Bike Patrol officers.

Bike Patrolers,Lance and Floyd, both former professional cyclists, prowl the streets of Portland, Oregon.

Watch them as the track down two wheeled scoff laws in the Rose City.

Feel their internal conflict as they have to arrest Critical Mass, and Zoo Bomb participants as part of their job while secretly supporting their cause.

Anonymous said...

...most excellent idea and w/ such creativity , forethought & sophistication, your tv show concepts should reach a wide broadcast audience...
...however, being more basic & prurient, my own show would be more along the line of the 'UFC', so i'll be producing 'naked chicks velodrome racing'...
...meet cha at the neilson ratings...

Anonymous said...

woogie said:

Watch them as the track down two wheeled scoff laws in the Rose City. Feel their internal conflict as they have to arrest Critical Mass, and Zoo Bomb participants as part of their job while secretly supporting their cause.

You forgot the night rider poaching sting in Forest Park.

M. Weed said...

Prolly:

Have you seen the "Metal: A Headbanger's Journey" and the incredible interview where the dude from Gorgoroth is asked, "what does black metal mean to you?"

David Blaine said...

Hunt for the UniBiker. Authorities close in on an anti-car activist that sends Hummer owners mail bombs filled with fixie cogs and used shimano chain pins. Victor Vincente of America stars as the reclusive terrorist and Al Trautwig stars as the FBI agent obsessed with finding him.

BikeSnobNYC said...

m.weed & Prolly,

[long pause]

"Satan."

--BSNYC

M. Weed said...

Yes! BSNYC has seen it too!

This blog was already incredible but now it's even better.

Anonymous said...

Or Innocent Man (cue Billy Joel theme song)

This legal thriller of noble deception features a crack legal team (still in Harv. LS) defending an accused former pro rider.

Watch DA J-Vot throw down blood samples. Watch defense atty. TH Fowndashun dramatically yell, "Injection..errr..Objection your honor" in the courtroom.

Jim said...

Dirt/Road Rules. A reality TV show that follows the exploits of a half dozen attractive young men and women picked for their marvelous diversity, riding skills and totally hottt looks, to live out of a '78 Buick Electra while traveling to cyclocross races around the country and competing for relatively meaningless prizes.

On this week's episode, open-minded gay and dreadlocked Miami hip-hopper Tyree teaches uptight and straight-laced Mormon-from-Wyoming LeShawn a life lesson he'll never forget: Paul cantilever brakes rule! Meanwhile, the girls drink a little too much Belgian beer then make out in the hot tub at the Super 8 after the first round at Gloucester.

LK said...

Will we get to vote people off the island?

Adam said...

How about a High Fidelity style mini-series about an bitter aging bike shop wrench tired of changing flats and adjusting brakes? He would talk to the camera a lot and muse about how he can't get laid. Comedy will provided by his employees berating the customers about Huffys and the differences between steel and aluminum. You could call it, Torqued.

Timothy J said...

"Crank"

The best bike mechanic in the world, who can no longer ride due to a leg injury, solves the unsolvable riddles of where creaks come from in aluminum frames while insulting everybody and taking huge amounts of drugs. The bike shop owners put up with it because they are Cannondale dealers and they have to have somebody who can find the various creaks. Three high school dropouts wrench in the shop as well, hoping to learn from the master.

BikeSnobNYC said...

gttim,

I'm greenlighting "Crank" and ordering 12 episodes. My people have been telling me we need a "Monk."

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

wasnt it Varg Vikernes from Burzum (and i think he was in Mayhem at one time) that burned churches?

and back to bikes,

Bike COPS, like regular COPS but with bikes.

Minneapolis episode: Five overweight officers in short shorts stand on a corner with mountain bikes, one gets on his bike, thinks about, thinks about it, but no he gets back off.
end. Intense.

Anonymous said...

Polygraf:
Breaking Away is the worst movie ever.

There are about 4 movies about bicycling and three of them suck. The fourth, De Sica's classic, is not really about bicycling.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Bike Snob --

I took the liberty of informing my cousin Swifty of your ideas. He's some sort of agent in something called "the business." Anyway, herewith his reply:

Leroy, boychick, long time, no see! This BS guy is on to something. I cancelled lunch with Stevie (Stevie Spielberg, nice guy, I'll have to introduce you) to see what I could do for this BS guy and let me tell you, I can do plenty!

I pitched his treatments to some of the suits at the stores around town and they were qvelling, tatelah, qvelling!

FOX wants 12 episodes of The Fixies stat! They're so head over heels meshugenah for this thing, they don't even want to see a pilot!

NBC and CBS are in a bidding fight for that bicycle catalog model mishegos! I haven't seen such determination since our Aunt Hildie got into a tug of war over a blouse at the irregulars sale at Loehmann's!

My hand on my heart, we've got to struck now while the iron's hot, hot, hot, baby!!!

Give that Bike Snob guy my number and tell him to call me. We'll do lunch.

Just one thing. Do you think he could update the bike angle to something more modern? You know, something like Segways?

Swifty

Anonymous said...

I peed in my shants

BikeSnobNYC said...

Swifty,

Just show me the gelt.

--BSNYC

Sean Lynch said...

Bike Swap!

A reality TV show where the hosts switch the riders of two different style bikes.

For the first week, the rider must live the original owner's lifestyle.

During the second week the rider is free to assert their own values on the bike.

First episode:
A middle class suburban stockbroker commuter is switched with an urban FG hipster wannabee.

For the first week the stockbroker must wear skinny girl jeans, drink PBR and attend random protests against something. While the hipster wannabee must commute daily with fenders and a three speed, attending meetings and packing the kids lunches before school.

The second week they get to be themselves, leaving permanent damage to the other's career and relationships.

Lots of mix ups possible.

roadies with messengers !
cyclocross with beautiful godzillas!
BMXers with recumbents!

The possibilities for breakdowns and fights are huge!

Anonymous said...

Remember Knight Rider? How about a show about a modern-day hero who rides an advanced bike with artificial intelligence?

I wonder what style bike it would be...?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:57pm,

You better believe I remember "Knight Rider."

I'd like to see an updated version called "Bent Rider" in which the Hof reprises his role alongside a futuristic talking recumbent, complete with sweeping red light on the front fairing.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

How about Twin Peaks Oil? Same show, but now gas is $17 a gallon and everyone's on bicycles?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Bike Snob:

My cousin Swifty asked me to tell you that he'll have to get back to you about the gelt.

He says "some pisher at NBC legal is giving him tsoris about copyright infringement on the Fashion Vicitims Unit."

Anonymous said...

"suburban stockbroker [bike] commuter"

I don't believe such a thing exists.

Yokota Fritz said...

Your description of Jobst RULES. I love it.

Speaking of ridiculous bike shows, I'm surprised nobody has mentioned Pacific Blue yet. Your BiKe network must have re-runs of "Baywatch on Bikes."

You should also consider a badly dubbed rebroadcast of Pimp My Fahrrad show from MTV Germany.

Philip Barrett said...

How about "World's Biggest Loser?"

Every week we watch as our protagonist gets spit out of the pack on the 2nd lap, dropped on the first hill or crashes out at the 1st corner.

...brought to you by Band-Aid...

Anonymous said...

You better get these sold to the networks before the WGA strike!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:38pm,

Au contraire. I'm not a member of the WGA. That strike can only help me.

--BSNYC

(aka "Big Scab NYC")

Jim said...

Dude, I've played "World's Biggest Loser." It was originally a European series called "Roadracing." Even the greatest guy who ever starred on the show typically lost for 20 days in a row every July before winning the series finale. Yep, that show sucks, but not as bad as the French musical focused on male & female mountain bikers faces, legs and backs. That's called "Hair."

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Hi I'm rags- respectively disagree, my pick for worst bike flick is Bmx Bandits (83ish australian w/ I think nicole kidman) very bad, very very bad.

The Great White Hype said...

Ah man, you KNOW Thurston would ride a fixie, cause its pure...its about the soul...

Surely Paris-Breast-paris would involve voluptuous topless women? Cobblestones, perspiration, cold air, warm breezes, jiggling...man...I havent even been for a ride and I need a cold shower.

The Great White Hype said...

Polygraf:
BMX Bandits is what caused my somewhat irksome fixation with redheads. I say irksome, as my wife is not a redhead. Though it is a pretty crap movie. Plot-wise, story-wise, acting-wise. But for a (then) 10-year old boy, it was "radical, dude" (yes, even I cant beleive I said those words together in my lifetime).

Jim/GWH

Anonymous said...

If any of these make it to pilot stage, I'll seriously reconsider my monastic avoidance of television ownership.

For the more worldly set, how about Anthony Bourdain captaining and Sheldon Brown stoking a tandem all over France for culinary and cultural enlightenment? Could be a great PBS series.

Yes, you admittedly did the Sheldon-as-stoker idea first (http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2007/07/put-up-or-be-quiet-would-you-still-ride.html). Still priceless.

Anonymous said...

Hey-o! Nice one snobbo.

Anonymous said...

There has to be a feel-good family show for Sunday nights, so I was thinking of something like Extreme makeover, Co-op edition. Staffed by overly sensitive hipsters, this show turns grungy non-profit bike Co-ops into new, hip places where the community can gather. Just think about the product placement that could be done. And at the end, the CEO of Elite could present the guys who run the place with a novelty check for a year's supply of carbon fiber cages.

Anonymous said...

Awesome. When you convince a network to pick up the pilot of any of these, I want to be on your screenwriting team.

iamameatpopsicle said...

lucas brunelle is reading this and praying to his deity tonight that one of them actually flies

Anonymous said...

I'd watch the Jobst Brandt show in a second.

Bike Snob -- was that indeed a stand-in for you in Bicycling?

kevin said...

If you have the Encore WAM channel they're now showing seasons 2 & 3 of DropIn TV. Better 'n' nuthin!

Anonymous said...

Best post yet.Jobst Brandt,killing a bear,and making a tube from it's
intestines...HAHA! Hell he is better than Mcguyver.

Anonymous said...

Brandt may have created the Loire, but whence cometh Vouvray?

Anonymous said...

BS,

My guilty pleasure is the Military Channel which would of course host "Bikepower", where one-off bike technology that will never see the light of full production is featured in thinly disguised manufacturer-made videos featuring:

forward tilting seats
chopped and flopped bars
welded cogs
preshrunk, tight-ass designer jeans already smeared with sweat, yellow ass pudding, and vaginal crust
sleep on that mr. director

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm Rags, I'm not sure what you look for in a bike movie, but "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" is definitely in the top 4! As is "Rad". I actually tried to watch "BMX Bandits" but couldn't make it through...it's that bad.

Anonymous said...

AWESOME!http://bicycleuniverse.info/stuff/
movies.html

Anonymous said...

woogie: the reality of Portland is so much funnier. The two cops hassling the bike messengers are named Barnum and Balzer. They are frequently refered to as the Barnum and Balzer Circus.

Anonymous said...

BMX bandits did for BMX what
Gleaming the Cube did for skating....

Which is to say, embarrass everyone everyone involved in the sport over the age of 13. It also destroys the fantasy of how hot Nicole Kidman must have been at 16.

Anonymous said...

Adam: The idea for "Torqued" is brilliant. I'd watch it weekly -then complain about how unoriginal it was and point out that John Cussack and Jack Black were much better - but secretly I'd be watching it, buying the t-shirts, the riding jersey, the special Limited Edition bartape. Think of the money from merchandising!

Moichandisin' - dat's where the real money's made!

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Wasting My Life,

"Messengers" (1999, Japan) actually looks kind of good. So does the one about a messenger service in the midwest.

I don't know if "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" is a bike film, but I used to own a red 1950s bike and had to stop riding it after that movie came out.

joshua* said...

thurston moore!! ha!!

Anonymous said...

Thurston Moore and Jobst Brandt in the same post? I am awestruck.

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