Monday, July 9, 2007

Worst of NYC Craigslist SPECIAL EDITION: Bike Love

It is readily apparent that, now more than ever, people are accessorizing with their bicycles. You can only put so many tattoos and trendy articles of clothing on yourself, so naturally you've got to turn to your bike when you run out of room. Colored Deep-Vs, top-tube pads, stickers, and shiny new paint jobs are just some of the ways that people use their bicycles to play dress-up. The transportation part, while convenient, seems be pretty far down the list of reasons for owning a bicycle.

But what's the point of all this then if it isn't cycling? Well, it's to meet boys and girls of course! In our nation's trendier neighborhoods, bicycles are like dogs: their owners dress them up, they parade them up and down the street, and they use them as an excuse to talk to people. Oh, and like dog owners, they don't ride them. There's no better place online to see this in action than the Craigslist "Missed Connections" section. Here are a few recent examples:

Williamsburg Bridge Riding! - m4w - 30
Reply to: [deleted]Date: 2007-07-03, 9:33PM EDT

Saw you riding this morning. You smiled at me. Riding a black Fixed. A VERY Long shot.

This sounds like the beginning of something truly meaningful. If she's half as lazy as you are I think you guys may have something. Who was riding the black "Fixed?" You? Her? Or maybe you're more crafty than I give you credit for. With 2,000-3,000 black fixed gear bicycles crossing the Williamsburg Bridge every day, chances are either some woman riding one saw a guy she liked, or saw a guy she liked riding one, or was riding one and saw a guy she liked who was also riding one. Perhaps she'll also be charmed by the fact that you are not preoccupied with superficial things like looks, since you didn't bother to mention a single distinguishing feature on yourself or on her. Are you a genius or an idiot? It's so hard to tell these days.

hunky bike rider in greenpoint - w4m - 27
Reply to: [deleted] Date: 2007-07-03, 4:01PM EDT

you rode by me with your hat on and on a pretty orange bike with white wheels. your arm muscles were so nice. i want you to hold me. i see you all the time. next time i will yell, but what name should i yell?

This bike is clearly a fixedgeargallery post come to life. If this poor, smitten girl wants to get this guy's attention, she shouldn't worry about his name. She should just yell, "NJS track cranks for sale, $30!" He'll jump on her faster than Ryan Trebon jumps back on his bike after clearing a set of barriers. I don't think this relationship will work, though. If she can't even name any of his components in her post he's going to quickly lose interest in her when she doesn't get excited about his latest NJS eBay purchase or want to hang around at King Kog not riding all weekend.

brooklyn bridge for boredoms sat.. - m4w - 28
Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-07-09, 1:38AM EDT

You had a purple road bike i think, and wore boots with a purple houndstooth type dress and blonde hair. I was the uk boy with the black shirt/purple hat, that told you your bike light was on. U smiled. You looked over before u got on ur bike at the end, but I was too shy to do anything, without seeming cheesy. Wish I had though, it would be nice to meet again.

Apart from the poster's obvious ineptitude as a potential suitor, as a cyclist my biggest questions is: who rides a road bike in boots and a dress?

You ran over my cat with your fixed gear track bike - m4w - 24
Reply to: [deleted] Date: 2007-07-09, 10:30AM EDT

You were the tall, skinny girl in the skinny jeans and winter cap who ran over my cat because you could not stop your fixed gear track bike in time. Don't you think you should pay my vet bills? Also, I thought you were cute, even if in a stinky and reckless sort of way. Maybe if we get over this hump we can go hang out together and stuff.

Everything about this post screams that it's a fake, but I prefer to pretend that it isn't. I also hope Judd Apatow reads Craigslist. This should be his next movie.

Prospect Park bike repairer missed chatting to Asian beauty in bikini - m4w - 31
Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-07-09, 11:21AM EDT

I was at the North end of Prospect Park on Sat July 7th adjusting the brakes on my mountain bike, when you strolled up like a vision and set your blanket down a few feet away. Laying there in your bikini, white earbuds glistening in the sun, I was struck dumb. By the time I worked up the courage to offer you a Pringle, you had vanished like a dream. Make 7/7/07 my lucky day, and drop me a note if you read this. -Repair Guy

No doubt she was laying there fantasizing about you coming over to her house and adjusting the brakes on her bike as well. Nothing turns a woman on like a guy who can handle a set of linear-pulls. Was the can of Pringles in one of your water bottle cages?

Stocky dude with reddish hair - w4m - 30
Reply to: [deleted]: 2007-07-03, 1:33PM EDT

I've seen you on 7th ave twice now. Will you help me buy a bike? I am not crazy.

If anybody knows this guy, please warn him.


Josh said...

Fixed gear bikes dressed-up and coordinated like peacocks in heat are the in-motion version of Craigslist.

Please keep writing. It makes the pain funnier.

Anonymous said...

"Was the can of Pringles in one of your water bottle cages?"...You're killing me...too funny!!

Unknown said...

Missed Connection: Girl who always walks the fixie:

I see you walking that fixie around campus - do you even know how to ride it? Maybe if you put a brake on it you could handle it. I think I kicked you and your hipster friends out of my house once for smoking - don't remember, I was really drunk, But the next morning I realized it was probably you, the decently hot fixie walker.

Prolly said...

Hunky bike rider in greenpoint:

Yeah, that was me. The guy on the beaten to death, Orange Iro Angus with not a bit of NJS on it.

My girlfriend found the Missed Connection quite funny as well.

I don't want to hear ANY roadie talk shit about track heads in NYC matching their clothing to their bikes. You guys have been matching your spandex and helmets to your aero carbon frames for years.

To quote a friend of mine:

"I'm not interested in buying parts off the dog when the dog goes out of fashion, but the bike..."

See you guys on the streets.

Niki said...

But John, you do hang out at King Kog a lot...

Actually I made that up.

Prolly said...

Niki, you hipster. Go back to drinking your 40s and doing coke off your Sugino 75s.

Oh wait...

Yokota Fritz said...

I hit an unleashed dog last night on my bike. There was a woman in proximity apparently calling the dog's name. I wonder if I should look on CL .

Anonymous said...

My wife is into the cantis on my cross bike; AND she digs the dual pivots on my road bike. God, how I love that woman.

(but she isn't into linear pulls)

Drew said...

"By the time I worked up the courage to offer you a Pringle..."

What a classic ice-breaker! Could offering "a Pringle" to a girl be code for something else? If it isn't, it should be!

gwadzilla said...

spokey dokes are cool!