Friday, December 20, 2019

Well, So Much For That Decade...

I don't want to make too big a deal over the fact that we're on the cusp of a new decade.  I don't even want to say that this will be my last post of 2019. I mean it might be, but I also may pop in if there's a new Outside column to flog or I get a really awesome Christmas gift and I can't wait to share it.  For example, I did put this in my letter to Santa, so we'll just have to see if he delivers:


Yeah, like a road racer is going to accept the weight penalty of a vibrating saddle.

Still, despite my not wanting to make a fuss, I can't help but reflect briefly on what a significant decade it's been--for me!  Here are just a few things I pulled off between 2010 and 2020:

  • Had two kids
  • Published four books
  • Relocated from Brooklyn to a different part of the country (the Bronx)
  • I don't know what else...got a cat, does that count?
So yeah, life-changing stuff.  And that's not even addressing my year-end accounting from Strava:


Instead of showing me stuff like how many miles I've ridden, how much time I've spent on the bike, and how many feet I've climbed, I really wish they'd give me meaningful information like how much income I've forfeited by wasting so much time Fredding about, and how much familial resentment I'm accumulating by never being around in the morning.  

Hopefully they take this into advisement for next year.

As for the next decade and what's in store for this blog, I won't make any promises--except one, and that's MORE SHILLING!



The above is a comment I deleted from someone who is pathologically obsessed with my integrity for some reason.  I can only assume that my influence over them is so profound and all-consuming that they can't help but buy every single thing I mention on this blog, even $4,000 titanium frames, and I imagine them screaming, "Oh god, please no, make it stop!" as they click on the "Confirm Purchase" button with trembling hands and sweat streaming down their brow.  As for the rest of you, I trust you understand that the mere existence of a $4,000 Jones titanium frame does not require you to purchase it, and that you can also buy a complete steel Jones for half that--or even no Jones at all!

Speaking of all-terrain bicycles, check this thing out:

Regardless, Evil’s own press release isn’t shy about these figures being totally removed from what people have to come expect of gravel bikes. “Most companies start with road and conservatively relax things for gravel—just enough to not stir any feathers,” it reads. “Not us. We went from full-blown mountain bike and sorta, but not really, roadied it out.

I'm not judging, but I will point out that for a long time I've been saying the gravel bike is basically the bike industry slowly reinventing the cross-country mountain bike, and I think with this bicycle that process is finally complete.  I'm also tempted to say it's kind of just a Jones made out of crabon with less tire clearance and less comfortable bars, but that's not a judgement either, and clearly the next decade is going to be one in which there will be a production bicycle for every single cycling niche you can possibly imagine.

Just make sure to wear your performance jorts:


If anyone has ever put a pair of pants between a set of scissor blades and thought, “these might look cool, but I’m wasting two lower pant legs, and they are gonna chafe like a mother…,” then Ripton & Co has some good news. 

 The new brand, debuting from the Western Slope of Colorado, brings performance-minded jorts to mountain biking. The shorts are stretchy and offer an ethical and sustainable approach to jorts.

I've never had a problem with jorts-chafing, and the most ethical and sustainable approach to the jort would seem to be making them out of the old pants you don't wear anymore.  Neither, presumably, does the person who keeps calling me a shill, and who just ordered 10 pairs of performance jorts because I mentioned them on this blog.

Sucker!

Anyway, that's enough out of me.  Have an exuberant holiday season, and I'll see you next decade, if not before.

Love,


Tan Tenovo





19 comments:

  1. Fristly: Happy New Merry!
    Scond: Two kids? Don't you mean two MORE kids, bringing the total to 17?
    Thre: I bought no Joneseses. Glad that's an acceptable option.
    Also: It's sunny and warm outside and I'm not riding a beikcycle. My life has gone badly wrong.

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  2. Tobias Funke will be thrilled!

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  3. Jorts! Keepimg it youthful. So practical and yet so juvenile. I've slipped passed the 'jorts-acceptability' age, if there is such a thing, wind up looking like Huck Finn with a Peter Pan syndrome.

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  4. Oh, and in the fall the jorts season transitions into the shants season, which look equally goofy once a rider gets past a certain age. Merry Christmakwanzhanukamadan and a Happy New Year!

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  5. What about rocking it on the radio and racing a wooden bike?

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  6. Hal is like the Sheldon Brown of jorts (and bikes) around these parts, and I'm pretty sure he would be disdainful of the 'performance' version.

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  7. I've yet to upgrade from my 1995 XC MTB.

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  8. Four books this year? Now he must order those, again, simply because you "shilled" your books (again) on your blog.

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  9. Shilly shallying into the New Year.

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  10. Had two kids
    Published four books
    Relocated from Brooklyn to a different part of the country (the Bronx)
    I don't know what else...got a cat, does that count?
    ...

    you forgot: Made JLRB laugh and think

    Happiest of Year End Rituals to you

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  11. Still in that Closet MyselfDecember 21, 2019 at 2:59 AM

    You did come out of the closet during this decade didn't you? Not the closet so many come out of, but speaking about the Nom De Plume closet you hid in the back of for so many years.

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  12. I come here for the wit, sarcasm, and yes, the shilling (which I find totally hilarious that anybody has a problem with). Somehow yet again I found myself able to successfully deny the hypnotism of your site the entire year and not buy anything you shilled (well, it's not like I don't WANT to buy, it's more of a bank account issue...for instance, I'd KILL to have that Ti Jones frame w/ fat tires on it, and uhm, that Evil gravel bike??? WOW! It's like the Tesla Model S...(at least in looks if not cost...surely the Model S is one of the best looking cars on the road IMO)...surely it's the raddest road'ish bike ever made!! I mean, I LOVE my gravel bike (w/ it's 3 sets of wheels/tires...one for road, one w/ the stock 35mm tires, and one w/ 45mm knobbies)...but that bike creates LUST! The kind that has me rethinking that D=N-1 formula. Alas, the bank account thing rears it's ugly head yet again, and bam...I resist the shill (but I could REALLY use some Jorts).

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  13. Use the jean legs to reinforce the crotch.

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  14. Accomplishments:

    Show Runner for 3 Fondonts (or 2 and a Pre)

    Took Roadies through the backyards of Irvington on Same

    Convinced roadies to portage up a muddy hill in Van Cortlandt Park, had them take pictures of it, sold the pictures to old man Brooks & fed us beer & burgers in exchange (great time, I don't even miss my derailleur)

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  15. Not to be pendantic, but technically it's not the next decade until 1/1/21. You know, the month when President Trump will be sworn in for his second term.

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  16. While getting the cat was the high point, your blathering at IMBA '14 was good too. .

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  17. Nothing meaningful to add (the brain this morning is a black hole from which no thought can escape), but happy holidays anyway.

    Keep on shillin'!

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  18. Evil is as evil does: stirring all the feathers & presumably ruffling all the pots.
    Also, jorts dude's cocked helmet visor is really something. Presuming that nothing is left to chance in Ripton & Co's marketing & photographic departments, then it + the jorts + pornstache + wolf t + whimsical tat (inside left knee) must mean they aim to corner the market on hipsters doofus apparel.

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  19. My dog asks me to assure you he doesn’t believe half the stuff your cat says about you.

    Oh, and Happy New Year!

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