It's Friday! New Outside Column! Bike Rides! Exclamation Points! Hooray!!!

Way back in 1986 when I started this blog, I never would have imagined virtual bike racers would be getting busted for virtual doping.  But here we are, as I explore in my latest virtual column for Outside's virtual magazine presence:

Cycling really needs its own "Black Mirror"-esque near-future dystopia show.  It could be called "Black Chamois."  The Tyler Hamilton's Chimera episode practically writes itself.

As for me, I took an old-fashioned outside ride today, though it wasn't totally analog because I uploaded it to the Internet:

Believe me when I tell you I don't even remotely enjoy taking leisurely rambling mixed-terrain rides on cool, clear autumn Fridays.  I'd much rather be in a cubicle working on spreadsheets.  However, I've recently taken delivery of some exciting new products, and as a semi-professional (and, at this point, semi-retired) bike blogger and social media influencer it is recumbent upon me to try these products out and report on them.  One of these products is Trial Butter, which is basically delicious adult baby food for outdoorsy types:

When I get hungry on my be-jorted rambles I generally stop at a very expensive gluten-free bakery, or else treat myself to an even more expensive artisanally locally sustainable etc. lunch at Stone Barns, because that's the kind of person I am.  However, this time I simply stuck a packet of Trail Butter (the dark chocolate and coffee flavor) along with some rice cakes in my Jones handlebar purse.  (I had to break up the rice cakes in order to make them fit.)  Not only was it quite tasty, but it also sustained me for the entirety of my ride, and best of all I didn't have to wait on line behind the sorts of horrible people who shop at gluten-free bakeries and artisanal nature centers.  (Yes, I realize I'm one of those horrible people, and the last thing I want is to be surrounded by people like me.)

Of course the big question is: "In a pinch can you use Trail Butter as a tire sealant?," and while I didn't have occasion to try I'll certainly keep you posted.

As for the ride itself, I explored a new trail.  It wasn't until after I rode the trail that I saw a sign indicating bikes were not allowed on said trail, so for that I apologize.  Then when I left the park I found myself trapped in some creepy suburban subdivision, and while I didn't see a single human I did find some zombie deer:

Seriously, they just stood there, it was totally creepy.

Finally, I've also noticed that at least two of the new repair stands in Yonkers I recently discovered have disappeared, and I can only assume someone's stolen them.  This one, however, remains:

Though the fact it's secured to the sidewalk by these ordinary bolts as opposed to some sort of theft-proof fasteners does offer some clues as to why the others vanished so quickly:

You could practically remove the thing with that multitool.