I'm Giving Away My Jones SWB! Here's How To Get It!

I don't have the time, energy, or professionalism to link to the prior posts, but if you've been paying attention you know that Jeff Jones has generously authorized me to give away--yes, give away--the Jones Plus SWB Complete I've been riding (and adoring!) for the past year:

So if I love it so much why am I giving it away?  Well, Jones recently launched the LWB Complete (it comes in knobby and smooth tire version), and sent me one to try:

And after riding both back-to-back I've decided the LWB suits me ever so slightly more:

Therefore I told Jeff Jones I was ready to send the SWB back to him--or I could give it away to one (1) lucky reader, and being the magnanimous fellow he is he opted for the latter.

Okay, so how do you get the bike?  Well, it's simple.  All you have to do is apply, and here's the form:

Instructions

Download the form, print it out, fill it out by hand, and then email it to me.  If you can't find my email YOU DON'T DESERVE THE BIKE.  Supplementary materials (to wit: the essay) may be typed and included in the email as an attachment.  You have until Friday, September 13th to apply, and I can take as long as I want to decide the winner.

Legal, Disclaimers, Etc.

I've ridden this bike a lot so I make no warranties as to its condition, safety, etc.  You will receive it in "as-is" condition.  This bike has been ridden by the world's greatest living cycling writer, which means it is incredibly valuable.  Therefore, if you sell the bike within 90 days of receiving it ("flip") the bicycle I am entitled to 100% of the profit plus a 20% surcharge for attempting to monetize my greatness for your personal gain.  By submitting you allow me to reproduce the entirety of your entry materials on this blog with no compensation to you.  You also acknowledge I have no burden of fairness, and that while I do not discriminate on the basis of ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, etc. I will ultimately pick a winner based on all manner of completely subjective and meaningless criteria, including but not limited to your failure to address me with the appropriate level of respect, and/or your my own disgust at your transparent sycophancy.  Also, if I decide to award you the bike, we meet in person, and I decide I don't like you, I am well within my rights to take it back.  (If we meet in person, I decide I don't like you, and I take the bike back, you will be assessed a $50 convenience charge.)

The Bicycle

It's a size medium.  It is black.  I keep my pedals, bottle cage, saddle bag, saddle, and Jones handlebar purse.  (I will include the stock saddle.)  If I award the bicycle to someone who cannot pick it up I will ship the bike to you at your expense.  However, inasmuch as this is a completely unfair contest (see above), you're in a much better position to win the bike if you're able to come get it.  Plus, if the circumstances are right, and it's a nice day and all that, maybe you can bring your pedals and we can do some sort of inaugural ride.  (Though I also wouldn't rule out your throwing it in the bed of your pickup and fucking right off.)

So there it is! 

On an unrelated note, recently I shared my Outside column about department store bikes, and a commenter commented thuswise:

Well I looked up said bike, and on paper anyway I'm not sure how it's any better than this, which is available at a certain gigantic mom-and-pop-smothering retail behemoth:

It even lets you "concur the hills"!

Though admittedly it doesn't come with a titium stem:

Hey, no bike is perfect.