Tuesday, September 30, 2014

They put their pants on one leg at a time just like you, only they pay $80 a leg for the privilege.

You probably think that running a bike blog is a dream job, like being a tenured English professor or the captain of the "Love Boat."  And yeah, sure, this gig has its perks: the lax dress code, the constant retina-ravaging computer use, the cold calls from the New York Post...  But believe me, when I get an important email, glamor takes a back seat while I knuckle down and work dammit--and emails don't get any important than this one, which you can tell because WHOEVER WROTE IT IS SHOUTING!!!

I hope you are  having a lovely day. I wanted to touch with you regarding the pitch below from DU/ER mens jeans who have just launched the MOST TECHNICALLY ADVANCED PEFORMANCE JEANS on the  market. These jeans were actually made specifically for cyclists that live an active lifestyle cycling from home/work and everywhere in between.

(Yes, they said they wanted to "touch with" me.  They also left out that first "r" in "Performance," unless they meant to write "Peeformance" and simply left out an "e.")

And if the shouting didn't make it obvious enough that this email is urgent, it also contained a photo of Karate Douche, who drives the point home with his sockless and suede-shod Foot of Justice:


(He looks like he's using an invisible pool cue to hit a ball off his toe.)

Then they go on to tell me why I need these jeans:

Why you need these jeans:  During any given day you are always moving.  You could be cycling to work, running to your next meeting, or going out for a refreshing walk or hike. Sometimes you sweat. Sometimes you are in hot or cold weather. Traditional jeans just aren't built to deal with your modern lifestyle.  We’ve created performance denim that adjusts your body temperature to its changes in movement or the environment. No matter what activity you're doing, your jeans will adapt, wick sweat away, and keep you comfortable, dry, and feeling good.

Wow.  Nobody has ever made something like this before, except for like 10 companies.  By the way, there's already a garment specifically designed for the lifestyle described above, and it ain't jeans.  This is a job for...VELOUR SWEATSUIT!


("It's a bird...it's a plane...it's someone wearing the curtain from an old Soviet jetliner!")

See, the velour sweatsuit checks pretty much all the aforementioned boxes, with only one relatively minor exception:
  • Allows full range of motion (especially for the "coglioni"): 
  • Appropriate for business meetings (provided it is paired with a gold chain):  
  • Works in hot or cold weather: (Nothing says "summer elegance" like a tank top and a velour jacket casually hanging over the shoulder by a single finger, and nothing says "winter class" like a tracksuit under a down jacket.)
  • Great for walks or hikes:  on the walks,  on the hikes (they tend to collect burrs)
  • Keeps you comfortable, dry, and feeling good: ✓✓ and!!!
Yet even in the face of incontrovertible evidence that the velour sweatsuit is very nearly the perfect garment for the active urban sophisticate and/or inhabitant of a dystopian near-future, coupled with the reality that everyone from Levi's to Rapha has already been making hip, bikey "performance casual" clothes for years, these Canadians have gone ahead and launched a Kickstarter for their fancy jean-pants anyway:




The video comes out swinging by showing someone riding a bicycle while the narrator attempts to thoroughly debunk what is probably your most frequently worn article of clothing:


"Traditional denim is restrictive, uncomfortable, and it doesn't allow you to move when you need it most."

Though I'm sure many would disagree with this claim:


("Did somebody say 'Comes out swinging?'"--Robert Plant's penis)

Nevertheless, these plucky Canadians have gone ahead and designed the "DU/ER" jean, which is 30% lighter and 30% stronger than other pants they never really identify:


DU/ER jeans also allow you to engage in preternaturally simian acts of balance as you hop from railing to railing like some kind of metrosexual Sasquatch:


While simultaneously incorporating a kevlar "Boner Guard" which saves you the embarrassment of inadvertently communicating to others your apelike state of constant hyper-arousal:


("She has no idea I'm humping her!")

The fabric is also specially designed to release your "hanglow stank" harmlessly into the atmosphere, instead of trapping it in the crotchal zone where it's liable to asphyxiate you the first time you step up to a urinal and unzip:


This, coupled with an incredibly strong "scranus joist," gives you all the confidence you need to practice squatting and defecating on the heads of other men in order to assert your dominance:


Most important of all (and this is for real), the pocket is equipped with a "radiation shield:"


Though if you want full protection from your iPhone's deadly rays you'll also need to grow sculpted  radiation-shielding stubble for those times when your phone is against your face:


All this for $160--though you do get a slogan with that:


"Because every day is a performance."

Right.  This is absolutely true when you're totally full of shit.

One thing's for sure though, which is that they'll look great on this pantsless mannequin Klaus of CyclingInquisition recently spotted on eBay:


And if you think it's strange that Klaus of CyclingInquisition was browsing pantsless mannequins on eBay then you don't know the first goddamn thing about bike blogging:


Or New Zealand for that matter.

I suspect Klaus and I are now about to compete in a very spirited eBay auction.

Moving on, it should be noted that Bicycling's "Number One Bike City" ranking is the kiss of death.  It's been, what, a month since that honor (or, more accurately, curse) fell on New York City, and in that time some guy on a bike managed to kill a pedestrian in Central Park and I'll be amazed if they haven't banned bikes from the park altogether by next spring.  Furthermore, you only have to look to erstwhile number one (and now number four) city Portland to see just what an albatross this title is:


Remember when Portland was the most exuberant cycling city in all of Canada's spittoon?  Well now look at 'em:

The event came on the heels of a one-two punch to the gut of PBOT: the #4 ranking from Bicycling Magazine and new U.S. Census numbers (revealed the morning of the panel) that showed a continued flatlining of Portland’s bike-to-work rate.

They used to ride around dressed like Michael Jackson, now they're just a bunch of sad sacks, like Terry Malloy from that movie about the waterfront:



Palookaville = Portland.

So what happened?

Given the lack of bold steps to improve bicycling in Portland in the past few years, it’s not hard to understand why we fell to #4. When Andersen asked the panel why Portland is no longer considered the cycling superpower it once was, the responses varied.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that constantly holding panels might also have had something to do with it.

So what do they think of us?

That being said, Geller pointed out that it’s much easier for New York City and Chicago to create protected bikeways because they have very wide streets. “We have harder decisions to make,” he said, referring to our narrow streets, “But we also have experienced the benefits of bicycling for a longer time, so we know better.”

Firstly, how has Portland experienced the benefits of cycling longer than New York?  People were riding bikes all over New York City when the entire city of Portland consisted of two guys and one of those old-timey logging saws.  Secondly, narrow streets are no excuse.  We have something much worse, and they're called "community boards."  In fact, the only reason we have so much bike infrastructure now is that our last mayor loved real estate developers, and it turns out bike lanes look really good in front of shiny glass condos.  After all, we have to make sure Brooklyn remains attractive to the bearded class:


Bearded man on a brooklyn bike ride? - w4m (Flushing Ave)

On Sunday afternoon around 1:30PM we rode bikes down Flushing Ave together for a few blocks. I was wearing an Anthrax t-shirt and a black back pack and you had a beard and a cute smile. We joked about the Hacky Sack competition. I can't get you out of my head.

Given that on a Sunday afternoon there are approximately a thousand bearded men and roughly a thousand women wearing vintage metal shirts riding on Flushing Avenue in Brooklyn at any given moment, I'd be shocked if whoever placed this ad does not connect with a mate--and while it may not be the same one she spotted, it will be fully intechangeable.

They'll be working that old-timey logging saw in no time.

124 comments:

  1. "You probably think that running a bike blog is a dream job"
    Hardly a job is it?!

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  2. wow not awake!

    cycle

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  3. Okay. digesting all that, in reverse decending commentary -

    Portland's lament about their bike heritage? Revisionist history. New Yorkers were scorching, harassing pedestrians, ripping it up on the pavement since the 1880's.

    expensive fashion? yawn. people will pay 160 bucks for underwear these days, technical jeanswear? Like you sez, everyone's doing it. Outdoor Research did stretch high tech denim back in 1995, and there's stretch this and crotchal zone that all over the place. A bill and a half seems standard....

    Startups are an amazing phenomenon, throw a crap product out to the cycling masses and see what takes. A blogger could clean up arranging imports from the Shenznen export discrict. "look, a LED bike light that yells at cars" Shoot for the quintuple key markup.

    as to lycra and techie clothes for cycling - i've been trying to spiff up my sartorial look for riding, and have found some blazers made our of Schoeller softshell- like a James Bond blazer for cycling. A miracle jacket that makes me look like, oh, a proletariat guy on a bike in a blazer.

    Tried on a grey flannel suit with 10 percent lycra the other day and it was going to be the miracle suit for cycling. it was like wearing a skinsuit, I could have put the hammer down in the pants like a pair of Pearl Izumi winter tights. STRETCHY.

    Shoulders didn't fit though, curses. the bane of a guy in a suit on a bike is looking like a schlub when he dismounts (except, maybe, if he throws a flying fred dismount with his Brompton)

    Lycra sartorialism is a deep pockets enterprise, just like Crabon fibre. People would be well advised to follow in the pantaloons of the jeans speculators. 'Mericans are so vain. and i include myself in that assessment.

    thank you for reading.



    ......................

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  4. Those fancy jeans mean nothing without the extra fancy underwear to keep your pants yabbies cool.

    I might have something more to say after the caffeine hits. Will we see a Fly6 day tomorrow with such an early posting today?

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  5. "There really hasn't been any true innovation in jeans in over 150 years..."

    Yup, that's because they just work.

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  6. Coffee and a new post, a good start to the morning.

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  7. Due to the posted photos, my mother won't let me read this blog post. See you tomorrow.

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  8. I smell an epic ride report tomorrow.

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. Nice sneak attack with the early post, but if you EVER shove Robert Plant's junk in my face first thing in the morning again I will boycott you. I mean it.

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  11. First time here and almost podied

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  12. No Pierre, I mean Non.
    You don't push the saw, you only pull. When I finish pulling it over to my side, then you pull it back. Is that so hard?

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  13. "During any given day you are always moving."

    Um .... no. I'm mostly sitting on my butt, trying to do serious intellectual work, but for some reason I keep reading these damn blogs.

    There are some "fucking good writers" out there, and some of them even hold degrees from the SUNY Albany English department.

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  14. Haven't read the blog yet, but was there an obligatory sex-with-sheep joke, cos, you know, Nu Zeelun

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  15. Wake and bakers rejoice, Snobby is up with the sun today.

    I'll stick with Wrangler jeans, they're the push-up bra of jeans, but for men and for butts. So really nothing like a push-up bra...

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  16. Metrosexual Sasquatch crotchal scranus.

    That is all.

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  17. Got prodded awake this morning by my dog who just had to tell me that Bike Snob described my wardrobe and tonsorial predilections as vintage.

    Well, I knew if I just waited long enough, I 'd become vintage.



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  18. DO/ER Denim! Brilliant. What if I want to DU/HIM

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  19. Is there a fresh pot of coffee?

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  20. If those jeans could lube chains as u rode, I buy some for people around here. You'd think I lived near the sea with all the squeaky chains. It's really easy to keep a chain from making whale noise. Down the middle.

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  21. One week later...

    One Sunday afternoon around 1:30PM we rode bikes down Flushing Ave together for a few blocks. I was wearing an Anthrax t-shirt and a black back pack and you had a beard and a cute smile. We joked about the Hacky Sack competition. I posted a Craigslist Missed Connection, you answered, and now I can't get you out of my bed.

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  22. So the clothing that people wore while working in Coal Mines and the like, Are to outdated to commute 6 miles to work?

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  23. There really hasn't been any true innovation in jeans in over 150 years

    You'd think a guy who claims to have worked for old man Levi would know more about them.

    Given the generally accepted introduction less than 150 years ago, I'd argue that going from nothing to something was really pretty innovative.

    I guess innovation is in the mind of the beholder but I also think moving to zippers in the mid-20s or so was pretty innovative. Trust me. I had some of those hippy button types in the 60s and they were a real pain in the ass. Particularly if you had had too much beer and need a quick exit.

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  24. was going to ask peaches why i didn't see her on the panel or at least supporting her fellow biekers in the audience. But then I saw the date and time of the photo and recollected that she hasn't been totally acclimated to Portland yet as she still has a job out there.

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  25. Quick work today, Mr. Rock Machine.

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  26. 2 much cock photos
    MORE BOOB

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  27. I think karate-chop jeans guy is not really airborne. I think he's stationary on a big white piece of paper, with his knee pointing toward the ceiling.

    The gray Russian velour sweat suite is out of stock. ??

    Robert Plant looks like he's smuggling a Minion in his pants. Seriously, what's going on? I see a couple of plums, but no carrot; unless there's only 1 plum and a coiled up carrot. Babble? Frilly?

    A panel to discuss a city's rating drop by an advertising driven bike magazine? This is as nerdy as the first Comic-Con (before they were "cool" and actual females attended).

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  28. Plant planted a potato in his pants yabbies. The velour track suit may very well be the perfect on bike:off bike attire out there.

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  29. i like old snob that slept till 11:30 and then posted at 1pm.

    this new grown up snob that makes cheerios and bagles for the kids and posts by 9am is super hard to keep up with.

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  30. Squeeze my lemon...til the juice runs down my.....errrr....your leg. Baby.

    I want to see a steel cage death-match with Vladimir of velour tracksuit fame squaring off against Bib-Shorts Guy.

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  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  32. that naked mannequin is quite hilarious by the way.

    next time i sell something on ebay, i'm gonna find one of those.

    would be great for selling sunglasses, a watch, a hat, or even better...a car. just sit him right there in the back passenger seat to demonstrate leg room.

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  33. US Navy wool-poly blend khakis have blast-resistent creases, just enough stretch, and are, in sum, perfect for bicycle cycleen around town. Just don't wear them on a freshly Proofided B17N if you want to look squared away (from behind) after your ride.

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  34. I gave up on jeans a few years ago. Too much chafing.
    Now I wear bib overalls instead Full scranal comfort. No plumbers crack. I blend, I blend. (A little My Cousin Vinny ref.) bonus I can get 6 of these for 1 pair of karate douche jeans. Not that I would get 6 pair, but I totally could.

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  35. ... it will be fully intechangeable.

    He that is without typos among you, let him first cast a stone at marketing email copy.

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  36. Hey Bama, what's your recommended bib overall model?

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  37. JB I like Liberty Stonewashed. They are soft and quiet. If you need something sturdy Carhartt is hard to beat. That just about sums up my not so vast experience with the subject.

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  38. That mannequin looks sooo gay.

    Are you required to "go commando" in your performance denim?

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  39. Why does everyone know "a guy with X medical problem who could benefit from" electric bikes and then think that it justifies the existence of these mopeds on greenways, paths and trails?

    We all know that's not who these bikes are being marketed to.

    I mean you can find a ton of outliers to justify a position, but they're still outliers.

    Do e-assist or e-drive bikes need to be treated like seeing eye dogs? You need a doctors' note to take one on a trail... I mean where does it stop? I mean I'm sure pot is great to treat certain maladies like loss of appetite and chronic pain from cancer treatments, but that's not what most of the prescribed use it for.

    I hate this fight because i want as many people on bikes as possible, I think they would enjoy it. It's just that I want them on bikes not mopeds....

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  40. Yeah, I understand about the hard decisions with narrow roads. Here in Europe there exists not a single road a'la Provo and we are FUCKED!! A few guys tried that whole bike to work-to shop-to bar-to girlfriend-and back home again in the early 80's but they eventually gave up. Man, if they would only spread more asphadult around these cities we could start to partake in this whole hipster thing I have been hearing so much about from over there in Cleveland and Milwaukee.

    Snob, you'll see soon enough. Shit, you have to ride on ground down limestone laid down by the Romans...

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  41. $160 for a pair of jeans!

    I've had three cars that I paid less than that for. Come to think of it, I paid less than that for those cars combined. I did pay a couple bucks more than that for my first motorcycle. I think the first 10-speed was less than 1/2 of that.

    And just checked. The last pair of jeans was less than 1/4 of that.



    robot says it would demand rouporat before it would pay $160 for jeans (or an oil change)

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  42. FreDouche on MUP giving instructions to other ridersSeptember 30, 2014 at 12:15 PM

    bark woof bark

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  43. Armadillos in our TrousersSeptember 30, 2014 at 12:19 PM

    After clicking on the ebay link, I have been getting little targeted ebay ads with the pantsless manikin popping up on random pages all day. Thanks Wildcat (Sarcasm?)

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  44. Thanks for the morning cuppa Brando, but I am less grateful for the truncated mannequin unit.

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  45. Nice to see Jens Voigt enjoying his retirement. Kicking back in his velour track suit.

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  46. DU/ER guy on the bike had the Green Light! WTF was he waiting for? He must have such an active life-style that he waits for the light to turn red before blowing through it! HOLESHOT!!!

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  47. Two New Zealand farmers looked at the back end of a ewe, caught on a fence. They are transfixed by her pudenda.

    Sheep Farmer #1 "I wish that was a beautiful woman"

    Sheep Farmer #2 "I only wish it was dark"

    Thanks very much. Try the veal.

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  48. If animals don't feel shame, they don't have pudenda, do they? Just asking.

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  49. Thanks Bama. I think a pair of overalls would be nice for those weekend project days

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  50. [Sheep Farmer #1 jumps off his horse and bangs the ewe until the swelling goes down]

    Sheep Farmer #2 "I would not mind a little of that action myself..."

    Sheep Farmer #1 "Well get down here and stick your damn head in the fence."

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  51. Thank you Fred. The ord I was looking for was twat.

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  52. I have one pair of jeans I hardly ever wear. I thought about wearing them to work this morning because I was taking the bus, but I decided not to.

    People with real "active" lifestyles don't wear jeans when they ride.

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  53. dop, I frequently misplace that word, too, and find it when I'm not looking for it.

    I don't think I've worn jeans since about 1994. I might take it up again to mortify my family, if I can fit into the skinny, androgynous ones.

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  54. Isn't that well-regarded coke connoisseur Shaun Ryder of the popular beat combo Happy Mondays in the velour onesie?!
    Meanwhile,Old Man Budnitz is creating the "Anti-Facebook"?
    WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT,MAN?!

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  55. JLRB

    I'm suspicious about that. My understanding is they don't use power tools for themselves at all. For one thing, they don't have electricity. Now they do (at least some) will use power tools in work for hire. My dad had some amish build him a shed and they used power hand tools.

    If they built that thing for themselves with no power and later sold it to this guy, more power (sic) to them.

    Perhaps mennonites, not amish.

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  56. When bewildered, which happens with regularity as I totter off in to my dotage, I often proclaim that I am "more confused than an Amish man at Best Buy."

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  57. What is it today? I opened my email first thing in the morning to discover a full frontal view of a young fish I met online a couple of years ago. And he was clearly very happy. Now pantsless mannequins?

    Oh well. It's all good. Cause you know
    Oils well that ends well...

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  58. I'm of two minds here. On one hand, I'm all for retrogrouching and hating on Kickstarters. On the other hand, there are many pictures on this blog of sad crotch hole situations and sadder "I swear I haven't peed myself" situations. Maybe this is a problem that could use a solution. Or you just set those khakis on fire.

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  59. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  60. Seriously, you post all those sweaty pictures of yourself and now you're surprised that people, obviously jealous of your glandular capabilities, are trying to keep you down?

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  61. Okay idiot, you have one more chance to get this right.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEdH5dU7ZKk

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  62. Minkey Chief,

    Get it right:

    Albert King Crosscut Saw

    Albert King, Crosscut saw funky version

    There are some good live Albert King shows on youtube too.

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  63. Gold, Snob. Gold.

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  64. I'm digging, because I know, somewhere, deep in that pile of shit there's a logarithm pun waiting to be found. Ant of our cunning linguists to the rescue?

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  65. I love the Zep, but Moby Dick indeed.

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  66. Damn it! Why did that guy stop and leave his t-shirt on?! Take it off! Couldn't you have done all that man-style pole dancing without your shirt on! I got your Kick Starter donation, but I only have dollar bills!

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  67. Hey! Didn't they offer you a free pair of their denim jeans so that you could do a proper review?

    At the very least, they ought to pay you for the great product placement they received on today's post.

    Damned Canadians.

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  68. quick jlrb

    got me. i was waiting a couple more minutes


    as robot sez: tallow kessxi

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  69. you take one down and pass it around -

    99 pair of pants on the wall

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  70. FINA A PAIR OF PANTS AND GET THE FUCK IN THEM!

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  71. I can think of several pairs I wouldn't mind getting into.

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  72. I agree that you don't need a special pair of pants to ride your bike to work. My bespoke custom tailored pants seem to work just fine. And at $500 a pair they are not a bad deal. Let me know if anyone wants the name of my tailor.

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  73. What a coincidence! I have a bespoke wrench for my bicycle. It was made to my measurements by Mr. Srikant in Singapore.

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  74. The best column in a long time, Snob. Chortle!

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  75. hilarious review of the bike jeans snobby, thanks for the cleansing laugh.

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  76. Minkey Chief,

    Get it right:

    Albert King Crosscut Saw

    Albert King, Crosscut saw funky version.


    True enough, but I was going for cheesy!

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  77. The sprint turned into a pants drag.

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  78. I'm sorry, but that pantsless Mannequin just needs a pair of bright red thigh high kinky boots to complete his look. He needs to go in the stock list of images along with Bib Shorts Guy, Just Kidding, Recumbabe, bald Long Island gerbil-up-ass guy.

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  79. I don't understand. Why are all you guys put off by the sight of a penis when you are all so proud of your own. Is that not some kind of disconnect? Think about it. Hard.

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  80. It is very unfortunate and very WRONG that you made fun of Robert Plant today.

    In point of fact, he just had an armadillo in his pants on that day, and that's that!

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  81. BamaPhred- I like your fashion sense. And Bigus Dickus - you DO have a point.

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  82. I did think about itOctober 1, 2014 at 10:11 AM

    I'd rather look at a canoe than my junk anyday

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  83. I have been so conditioned by social media that I had an impulse to hit a "like" button upon reading this. fml

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  84. As the "guy" on the bike I am just happy to be featured in your blog...and I can spell pebromance.

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  85. It's not about what you like to look at. It's about the appreciation of fine specimens of human physique. I think Michelangelo's David is so beautiful but that doesn't affect my hetrosexual preferences in any way. Try to get over your knee-jerk reaction to the male body and the world will be a better place.

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  86. would be great for selling sunglasses, a watch, a hat, or even better...a car. just sit him right there in the back passenger seat to demonstrate leg room.

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  87. Elegant, modern, very different..Excellent post. Thanks for sharing……….

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  88. good
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    ReplyDelete