There's more than one way to slice an avocado.

(Back when pro cycling was still classy.)

Well, one by one the race favorites are being plucked from the Tour de France like rat turds from a bowl of Raisin Bran, and the latest to go is Andrew Talansky, who wasn't really going to win anyway but he's American so we all had to pretend:

“I'm absolutely heartbroken to leave the Tour de France. I built my season around the Tour, and the team has supported me every step of the way. I had hoped the rest day would allow some time to recover from my crashes,” Talansky said in a team press release issued this morning. “But it proved to be too much.”

And if that wasn't bad enough, his hometown of Key Biscayne, FL is rapidly going the way of Atlantis:

At Florida International University, geologist Peter Harlem has created a series of maps that chart what will happen as the sea continues to rise. These show that by the time oceans have risen by four feet – a fairly conservative forecast – most of Miami Beach, Key Biscayne, Virginia Key and all the area's other pieces of prime real estate, will be bathtubs. At six feet, Miami city's waterfront and the Florida Keys will have disappeared. The world's busiest cruise ship port, which handles four million passengers, will disappear beneath the waves. "This is the fact of life about the ocean: it is very, very powerful," says Harlem.

Sucks.

By the way, Key Biscayne has a thriving Fred scene, and rumor has it that Australia just repealed its "crabon tax" because the country's HMFIC (that's "Head Massive Fred In Charge") Tony Abbott was once dropped on the Rickenbacker Causeway and has hated Key Biscayne ever since:

("Come to me, oh mighty sea, and smite the Floridians!")

But don't worry, because as usual Portland is coming to the rescue, and their plan is to save us by holding a contest to develop the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike:

For nine months, collaborative design teams in each of our five cycling-centric cities have been working from Oregon Manifest design criteria to develop the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike, the next bike for the everyday rider.

On July 25 you can see the incredible result of their efforts.

Here's the New York City team, which is identical to all the other teams in every way, thanks to the insipid 21st century global monoculture that the flood waters will hopefully one day reclaim:

Apparently, the team is a "collabo" x ("x" is Newspeak for "between") Horse Cycles and something called "Pensa," which is described as follows:

Pensa was founded in 2005, born out of love and determination to improve quality of life through better products and better business choices. We believe great design can deliver experiences that don’t force a compromise on value, the environment or social impact.

To this end, they've brought you the three-in-one avocado slicer:

Okay.  If you want to "curate" yourself a great big bowl of guacamole but you don't want to have an impact on the environment, what's a better choice:

a) Manufacturing an elaborate plastic contraption that serves only one highly specific purpose;

or

b) Just using the knife you already have?

(Is this so goddamn hard???)

Given this, I can't wait to see this bike, and if it doesn't have an integrated avocado slicer I'll be tremendously disappointed.

Speaking of the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike, one could argue this already exists in the form of bike share.  This is because if you ride your own bike you have to maintain it, but if you use bike share you can instead use all your free time to "curate" great big bowls of guacamole.  However, it seems as though some unscrupulous Citi Bike users are skipping the whole "paying" part and just taking the things:

(Via Streetsblog)

Naturally, the police think this is hilarious:

“The first time we saw it, I thought it was kinda funny,” one police source said. “We can only assume they’re taking them for joyrides or that the crook would rather take a bike than a train ride home.”

Yes, if there's one thing the police take seriously it's bike theft--though if your Hyundai gets scratched you can be sure they'll come out in force.

Unfortunately, they may ultimately be forced to do something about the problem, since the stolen bikes are taking up precious cell space:

The problem has gotten so bad in Crown Heights that cops are out of garage space to store them, another police source said.

To solve the problem, they’ve started stashing the bikes in a jail cell — while they wait for Citi Bike officials to pick them up, the source said.

“We were putting them in the garage, but there wasn’t enough room — so we moved them to the back cell,” the source said.

To the NYPD, if you can't put a cyclist in jail, then putting a bike in there is the next best thing.

As for the thieves, not all of them have the sense to ditch the bikes after using them:

At least two Citi Bike crooks have been arrested in recent weeks — including one cyclist who painted a bike orange to disguise it, a Bronx police source said.

But cops spotted the Citi Bike “sticker” on the orange ride and charged him with grand larceny, the Bronx source said.

The master criminal was caught while repeatedly ramming the bike into a fire hydrant.  When questioned, he explained that he was trying to dock it.

Lastly, a reader tells me the owner of this bicycle is willing to trade it for a handgun:

Felt TK2 Track Bike 56Cm - $1200 (carrboro)

I have a Felt tk2 for sale its has a custom set of carbon 90mm rims and it is mostly stock bike besides that, Its running a TruVativ Omnium GXP with a 48 front and 15,16 rear. 3T SPHINX LTD carbon bars. I have a Shimano NX01 chain on it, its a real track chain. The size is a 56cm TT and a 56cm ST. If you have any questions just text me. Could be used in a trade for motorcycle, or a handgun

Hmmm, meeting the stranger you met on Craigslist to trade your expensive bicycle for a handgun...I don't see how that could possibly go wrong.