Ready, set...read!

Firstly, the New York Times ran a nice little story about the Tour's Lanterne Rouge:

I haven't been watching the TV coverage, so I have no idea if Phil Liggett has used any cringeworthy terms to describe his ethnicity yet.

Secondly, Alexander Vinokourov doesn't want to talk about the past:

“2007 is in the past and I don’t want to return to that topic,” Vinokourov said flatly, before pointing to Astana’s membership of the Movement for Credible Cycling (MPCC) as a sign of its good faith.

"Instead, I'd like to bypass 2007 altogether and go straight back to 1978, which is the last time my outfit was fashionable," Vino added:

(Vino played Whitey the Pimp in the 1976 cult blaxploitation film "Dolemite II: The Human Tornado.")

In other news, Woody Allen designed a bike, and he's already raised well over $300,000:

("May I interject one statement at this juncture? And I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any way.")

According to Woody, this perfectly ordinary bike embodies a "new concept in cycling."  Check it out:



Okay.  The bike looks fine.  But how is this in any way a "new concept in cycling?"  I mean sure, it is made of an exotic material called "aluminum," which has never been used for bikes before.  This "makes the frame lightweight:"

Which is essential when fleeing to the safety of your Brooklyn brownstone after you scuff somebody's Jordans:

By the way, I don't know about you, but after a hard ride I always chug a carton of orange juice:

Another way this bike is completely different (at least according to the director of classics such as "Manhattan" and "Annie Hall") is that it has a comfy seat, upright handlebars, and three speeds--a combination which no bicycle company in the history of bicycle companies has ever attempted:

And, in a bold example of innovation that could only come from a clarinetist of Mr. Allen's stature, the bike is equipped with a coaster brake only:

See, some companies selling comfortable upright bikes with three speeds give you both a coaster brake and a handbrake for the front wheel.  However, the Priority does away with the extra stopping power, which you'll appreciate when you're coming off one of the East River bridges and immediately merging with heavy automobile traffic.

And of course it's got a belt drive:

(That's a lotta chainring bolt spacers.)

"One of the most unique features of our bike is the belt drive.  Harley Davidson started using belts in their motorcycles in the '80s and has never looked back."

Harley Davidson should not be held up as a paradigm for anything except their uncanny ability to speak directly to the sad leather-clad yearnings of middle-aged lawyers whose idea of an "upgrade" is amplifying the sound of flatulence as they ride.

But Woody really crossed the line with this one:

Theft Deterrent - We know you’ll fall in love with Priority, and we want to do anything we can to keep our bikes with their proud owners. By using bolts instead of quick releases, Priority makes it more difficult for thieves to disassemble parts. You'll still have to lock up your bike, but bolts are a precaution Priority has taken to make theft more difficult.

Oh come on now.  What bike like this does feature quick releases?

Actually, I can think of one, and it's the Priority:

(Pretty sure that's a quick release.)

That's an ethical mobius strip akin to the plot of 1989's "Crimes and Misdemeanors."

Lastly, a reader tells me the Wall Street Journal has published an article about "Zoobomb," complete with short film:

In which you'll see that participants begin their ride with a cry of "Three...two...one...Zoobomb!!!"

I have a strict rule whereby I don't take part in any event in which people shout the name of the event in unison.  This is because I have an inherent fear of "groupthink," and know there's a very fine line between "Portlandia" and "Dystopia."

Here's the Zoobomb "monument:"

When I first saw this pile of crap in person during a visit to Portland some years ago, I thought it was an aesthetically objectionable Tower of Tetanus.  However, as a parent, I now understand the Portland city government's rationale here.  See, I know I shouldn't let my kid leave his toys in the living room, but the fact is that I'm kinda lazy and I don't want to deal with the whining, so I do anyway.  And that's exactly what's going on here.

Also, check this out:

Tattoos and tzitzit?  Only in Portland:

He's either the World's Hippest Orthodox Jew, or he saw those things on a visit to Brooklyn and thought they looked cool.

Lastly, carrying your helment on your head with the straps unfastened is the lowest form of helment portaging:

(Charity ride chic.)

Though they may just be trying to emulate the ever-so-trendy payos look.