BSNYC Friday Juice Cleanse!

I admit I enjoy giving Specialized a hard time, but I also have to give credit where credit is due, because the Scarlet "S" has now invented a mesh mountain biking midriff bra that reaches near-triathlete levels of sheer dorkiness:

The SWAT line from Specialized was launched last summer. SWAT stands for storage, water, air, tools, and is Specialized’s buzzword for ditching your hydration pack, bento box, and other unsightly accessories. The SWAT clothing system centers around these bib short liners, regular (non-bib) short liners, and a baselayer — all with pockets, so you don’t have to wear a road jersey over it.

So hydration packs and the like are unsightly, but somehow a form-fitting fanny pack is not?

Of course, law enforcement agencies have been using "SWAT" for years, and it stands for "Special Weapons And Tactics."  However, Specialized's lawyers were able to successfully argue that the police can no longer do so, since the acronym contains the word "Special."  Therefore, "SWAT" now applies entirely to Specialized's new off-road Barney corset, and law enforcement will have to make do with a revised acronym:

It stands for "Tactical Weapons And Tactics."

Hey, what do you want?

Specialized didn't give them very much time to rebrand themselves.

Speaking of living in a police state, here in America the surest sign your city is in decline is the presence of both homelessness and bicycles--at least according to this photograph:

Admittedly, bikes are mentioned nowhere in the article, though I did puzzle over this:

“Year by year, our city — which once was a beacon of innovation and opportunity to the world — is becoming less livable,” the report said.

Los Angeles a "beacon of innovation and opportunity?"  When was that exactly?

Meanwhile, while LA crumbles, Manhattan is becoming so prosperous that people are having "status children:"

Yes, the third child is now the "status child," where have you been?  Furthermore:

“Now children don’t have a lot of utilitarian value anymore,” he said. “Kids are like status symbols, or a very expensive pet or hobby.”

By the way, if you're wondering why so few Americans continue using bicycles as transportation into adulthood, it's because even parents with extra kids won't let their offspring ride a three-wheeled plastic scooter on the sidewalk at walking speed without strapping a foam dunce cap to their heads first.

I guarantee you that in ten years full-grown human adults will be wearing helments just to pull their wheeled suitcases through the airport terminal.

Speaking of the future, National Geographic says that Americans will all be beautiful interracial Benetton models by 2050:

Which is a complete load of crap, because everybody knows this is what Americans will look like in 2050:

By the way, that's the "status child."  They already ate the first two.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right wet your pants slightly with excitement, and if you're wrong you'll see grace.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may all your status children be delicious.



--Wildcat Rock Machine

("Ow, I fell right on my drugs!!!")

1) Which "Cobbled Classic" will take place this Sunday?

--Paris-Roubaix
--Paris-Specialized™
--L'Enfant du Nord
--The 98th Annual Great American Peach Cobbler Bake-Off!

2) What are these?

--"Pedal Pockets"
--Rotor carriers
--Insulated top tube musettes
--SPD-compatible doggie socks

3) What is this?

--The "Helmet Jacket"
--The "Wheel Satchel"
--The "Bike Poncho"
--The "Velo-Leche" Cycling-Specific Sports Nursing Bra

4) What is this?

--An on-the-bike sunglasses holder
--An awesome robotic space insect from the planet Crabon
--A Tridorkian brainfart
--All of the above

5) What does this button do?

--Shifts your rear derailleur
--Emits a 175 decibel blast of deafening sound to alert motorists to your Fredness
--Broadcasts your location via GPS so your spouse can pick you up when you get a flat
--Makes your helment go pee-pee on your head

This change comes at the behest of a well known bike company. According to their lawyers the ALIZE name was too close to one of their trademarked bike names and, as such, we need to stop using it.

6) What was this trademarked brand name?

--Allez
--Aliza
--Azalia
--No particular brand name, it's just a form letter Specialized sends out to all the other bike companies every six months

7) A moronic Brooklyn community board member actually believes there's a "War on Cars" because he's a moron.

--Ture
--Flase

***Special This-Would-Really-Be-Much-More-Useful-On-Adult-Bikes-Themed Bonus Video***

Just imagine having a master switch that could stop all the Freds...