Sorry I'm Late, I Forgot To Set My Watch For Daylight Savings.

So apparently the Britons are all "cross" because the TV show "Top Gear" is baiting cyclists:



I've actually enjoyed watching "Top Gear" from time to time, and until relatively recently I had no idea Jeremy Clarkson was this reviled anti-bike figure over there.  This is because it takes a lot more to shake us up here in America, so his antics don't really register here in Canada's Waistband.  Jeremy Clarkson may like to engage in quasi-macho hi-jinx like driving a Land Rover up a mountain, but on this side of the Atlantic we call that mountain a "hill" and we call the Land Rover a "compact."  Seriously, three out of five Americans think a Land Rover is a Mini Cooper, and they think a Mini Cooper is something disabled people use to get around shopping malls.  We sell assault weapons in Walmart here, for fuck's sake!  So it's hard for us to take any of this seriously, since in this country we find people like Jeremy Clarkson about as threatening as the uptight professor from "Back To School:"

(Foppish professor mistakenly thinks he can get one up on Rodney Dangerfield.)

Even those adorable Canadian cyclists aren't frightened by Jeremy Clarkson--it takes fourteen tons of crack addict to do that:

And as far as learning the difference between red and green, as a cyclists I'm perfectly aware, which is exactly why I run red lights.  See, at least if I have the red I know oncoming traffic isn't going to stop, so I can ride accordingly.  Otherwise, I have no idea what these assholes are liable to do, and I'm not waiting there like a sitting duck when a runaway taxi is liable to flatten me at any moment:

As the above blog post points out, the taxi had a whopping eighteen violations:

Of course, since taxis are driven by multiple people we don't know exactly who's responsible for all of these, which is exactly how the taxi lobby wants it.  All we know is that the taxi lobby is a major contributor to Bill "Vision Zero" de Blasio, so I wouldn't expect any of this to change anytime soon.

Speaking of things not changing, check out the winner of Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne:

I thought we were supposed to be in a new era of clean cycling.  Isn't this the guy who shot to prominence after getting a better "lunch bag" than George Hincapie:

And was then anointed the new Belgian hard man by Johan "80-100 wasps in the inner tube" Museeuw himself?

This sport needs to drop the pretense and just go full-drug already.  It seems pretty clear to me the only limitations they can (sort of) enforce are the ones on the bikes themselves, so they should just admit that as long as they can keep these guys off of recumbents then they've basically won.

Lastly, someone has launched a Kickstarter for a portable Citi Bike motor:

Okay, so the average Citi Bike trip hovers somewhere around 20 minutes.  Furthermore, Citi Bikes can only be found in hyper-gentrified neighborhoods with lots of bike lanes and absolutely no hills.  "So for this, you need a motor?" asks a grossly stereotypical Jewish grandparent.

Also, I'm not sure people should be going 18 mph on a Citi Bike:

Though maybe I can launch a Kickstarter for a portable Citi Bike disc brake upgrade.