It's Only Wednesday If You Let It.

I've been living in a fantasy world.  I'm a dupe, a mark, a sucker, a rube.  Yesterday I mentioned that I chained my saddle to my bike to keep people from stealing it, but a savvy commenter informs me that I've fallen victim to the most insidious form of "hipster bullshit:"

Anonymous said...

Only hipsters believe in those bike chain seat leashes. A 2$ flathead screwdriver and one good torque = bye bye saddle&post and silly illusions. Ppl and their bullshit they believe

March 26, 2014 at 2:13 AM

I think my favorite thing about the Internet is that something as simple as putting a chain on your saddle can work people up into Ignatius P. Reilly levels of indignation and disgust.  Hey, we all know there's no defense against an expertly-wielded screwdriver.  In the right hands, a screwdriver is all it takes to steal a luxury automobile, hijack a commercial airliner, or become a prison kingpin.  Still, which is the sillier illusion?  That the chain is going to keep someone from stealing my saddle, or that someone would even want the filthy thing enough to bother?  Here it is in all its worn, ass sweat-stained glory:

(This is what backpacks do to saddle noses, and what a hot crotch does to leather and foam.)

Perhaps I take too favorable a view of humanity, but I'm fairly confident that, between the sorry condition of this lump and the added inconvenience of having to pry open a chain to get it, 99.9% of the population is going to pass this by--though I admit that, together with the brand-name seatpost, it could present a temptation too difficult to resist:

("Wait, is that a Nashbar seatpost?  Fetch me the angle grinder!")

Actually, you don't even need to undo the chain to get the seatpost.  Technically.  But yeah, I think it's enough to keep people honest, and if someone really wants this crappy frumunda perch that badly they can go ahead and take it.  I've got boxes of this shit at home.  (Though I'd be annoyed if they took the seatpost clamp too.  That's crossing the line.)

As for the bit about "hipsters," if this is some sort of new hipster affectation that's news to me.  I've never seen a "hipster" use the chain trick, and in fact I don't think there are even any hipsters left in New York.  They all seem to have either graduated to full-fledged yuppies, or else they've been priced out by their peers and forced to move to other, less competitive cities.  Meanwhile, I don't even know if they've come up with a name for the latest wave of young white transplant aspirants yet.  They're definitely not the hipsters of ten years ago.  I think they're "normcore" or something.  Who even knows at this point?  At any rate, I can assure you none of them are chaining their saddles to their bikes.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the normcore set is into Halfbikes now:

(Idiot.)

Speaking of the Halfbike, a commenter on the post in which I mentioned it shared the following:

I actually forwarded that to the "inventors" of the Halfbike, and I have yet to receive a reply.

Speaking of emails, here's one I got just a few minutes ago:

Hello,

We are interested in advertising on your websites. We just launched a 
new product called
No Bush Lotion. You can see it at 
http://www.kingsupplements.com/nobush.html.
The product helps reduce the appearance of body hair and is marketed
towards athletes of all kind. If you would like to make more money with 
your blog please contact me and we can work out a deal.

Intrigued, I followed the link, and thus entered the strange world of pubic hair minimizer cream for men:

I'll have you know that I have received no remuneration from No Bush.  In fact, I haven't even replied to the email.  Hey, I'm the kind of sucker who chains his saddle to his bike, right?  Similarly, if it involves both cycling and pubes, you can be fairly sure I'm going to mention it for free.

By the way, No Bush Lotion was not tested on bunny rabbits, nor did any of the bunny rabbits it wasn't tested on develop any malignant tumors.  (At least, I'm assuming that's the case, since it doesn't say otherwise on the No Bush website.)  So you can stop with your spurious accusations.

(What a bunny rabbit would look like if it was treated with No Bush, which it wasn't, at least as far as I know.)

As for what's actually in No Bush, I have no idea, but it would be pretty hilarious if it triggered positive results in doping tests:

("It was either tainted meat or my bush-zorching cream, take your pick.")

Speaking of hairless pubic mounds, meet the Aeroclam!


 My favorite is the part where the disembodied hands are gently working the clam:

Though I also liked the part where the same disembodied hands fumble with the droopy, frayed saddlebag:

Wow.  That's a lot of crotch-fondling innuendo, even for a video made by New Zealanders.

Anyway, as a wise man once said, you can have a droopy, frayed bag, or you can have a smooth clam, but you can't have both.

And either way, be careful running your chain through it.